Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I've been very discontent with my girlfriend as we're coming up on one year (official). No real reasons, though I have been looking for some. But she is smart nice gorgeous and loving. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until now. Over a year ago, I met my now girlfriend. I was with someone else at the time though. Then I met my current. I ended up leaving my ex for this one (with only minimal pressure from my current). I realized this discontent is my guilt and it has only gotten worse. Should I stick it out and try to get over it or should I call it off? I don't want to be feeling like I'm in a tainted relationship years down the line or anything. I just want both of us to be happy and don't want to drag things out and hurt her more than necessary if I do break up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Do you regret breaking up with your ex? It sounds as though you're already finished with your (current) girlfriend, the way you've worded this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Keira1231 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I've been very discontent with my girlfriend as we're coming up on one year (official). No real reasons, though I have been looking for some. But she is smart nice gorgeous and loving. I couldn't figure out what was wrong until now. Over a year ago, I met my now girlfriend. I was with someone else at the time though. Then I met my current. I ended up leaving my ex for this one (with only minimal pressure from my current). I realized this discontent is my guilt and it has only gotten worse. Should I stick it out and try to get over it or should I call it off? I don't want to be feeling like I'm in a tainted relationship years down the line or anything. I just want both of us to be happy and don't want to drag things out and hurt her more than necessary if I do break up with her. Maybe take a break from relationships altogether until you figure out what it is that makes you cheat on your smart, nice, gorgeous girlfriends? Link to post Share on other sites
babycrapgreen Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 You are in a predicament. Your guilt is eating you. I think you should talk it out with your current girlfriend. You left someone for her, so, she must've been amazing to put aside morals. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 How would breaking up with her help anything? Your relationship isn't tainted. It is what you make it, together. It's a little late for guilt. Maybe you're just looking for justification to break up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 I never cheated. I met her with some friends and we became good friends. Never flirted or anything. But I felt like I was developing feelings for my current. I was already losing feelings for my ex, but I didn't want to cross any lines so I broke things off with her before I proceeded with my current. I would've stuck it out longer with my ex had I not met my current though. I don't regret breaking up with my ex, and am glad that I did. But I didn't leave her with influences simply from me, her, and the relationship. The outside influence is what gives me guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Well I know it's late for guilt. And I was looking for reasons to end things. I didn't know why deep down I wanted to though. There was just a nasty feeling. I didn't analize it properly though and notice it really until the limmerance started wearing off and I was able to objectively observe the relationship from my views without passion and excitement clouding it all. Link to post Share on other sites
babycrapgreen Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I don't regret breaking up with my ex, and am glad that I did. But I didn't leave her with influences simply from me, her, and the relationship. The outside influence is what gives me guilt. Outside influence being..... your current girlfriend?.. Space? I don't know how to respond because you're being so vague.... "the outside influence?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Outside influence was my current girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Honestly? I wouldn't give it a second thought if I was in your situation. This sounds like more than a little self sabotage on your part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 @basil67 What do you mean by more than a self-sabatoge? And what would you not give a second thought to? Breaking up or staying together? Link to post Share on other sites
babycrapgreen Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Outside influence was my current girlfriend. First, it's *limerence and *analyze. If you're going to use fancy words make sure you properly spell it. Second, maybe should just date around and not exclusively because describing your current relationship as discontented is neither fair to you or your current girlfriend. But, first, you should definitely talk about it with your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
b-Shock Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I think we all look for reasons to justify breaking up. The truth is, sometimes, you're just not that into somebody anymore and you need to move on. But, if you're truly struggling with guilt, it would be good to open up to her about that and try to deal with it before you simply end the relationship. Are you still contact with your ex at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 @b-shock No contact since the split. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Outside influence was my current girlfriend. So are you feeling resentment toward her.... because of this? Do you feel that somehow she influenced your breaking up with your ex? And now resent her a bit because of it? Even though breaking up with your ex was ultimately the right decision? Do you feel emotionally controlled by your current girlfriend? Subconsciously or even consciously? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't say resentment, but I'm not happy that I've failed to exercise my morals after she came into my life (I never wanted to leave someone for someone else)(And I am happy that I'm not with my ex anymore). I also feel like my personality has changed (for the worse) since I've been hanging around her and her family. They are very mean and dysfunctional. I'm not holding her responsible though. It's weakness on my end. It's just the atmosphere you surround yourself with that can rub off on you. Emotionally controlled? Not that I know of. But I have been feeling depression slowly creep back into my life since I've been with her. Not sure if it's because of what I've stated in this thread or what though. But again, I don't hold her responsible for anything. Edited February 5, 2016 by Farman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 The fact that you are changing for the worse is huge. I wrote guys off in the past because of the awful families they came from. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I have been feeling depression slowly creep back into my life since I've been with her. But yet, I don't hold her responsible for anything. These two statements sound contradictory. You feel depression creeping back since you've been dating her....but it's not because of her or your RL with her? Who (or what) is it because of then? Is it just coincidental? Of course it's because of her... not sure why you don't wish to acknowledge that. It won't make you a bad person for realizing that she and your RL with her are negatively influencing you to the point of depression. Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 These two statements sound contradictory. You feel depression creeping back since you've been dating her....but it's not because of her or your RL with her? Who (or what) is it because of then? Is it just coincidental? Of course it's because of her... not sure why you don't wish to acknowledge that. It won't make you a bad person for realizing that she and your RL with her are negatively influencing you to the point of depression. This is a very good point, OP. Depression or feelings of depression are generally a reaction to a stressful/traumatic/horrible experience in your life. I would focus on why you feel depressed though and not attribute it directly to your relationship until you know more about how and why you feel the way you do. There's nothing wrong with trying to better yourself and good on you for acknowledging you're in a tricky spot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 @Emilia Are you glad you did that? And were they fine other than their family background? I've felt pretty concerned about her families possible impact on me but never really knew anyone in a similar situation. @katiegrl Is that what it is? I hate to put blame on someone else for something happening to me. I mean I feel like I should have control over myself and all. @soph-walker I genuinely don't have anything traumatic in my life. Seeing her family has definitely thrown me off though. Her abusive dads drug and alcohol use. How he treats his family, their problems, how they treat eachother. I've just never seen something so bad up close and I'm afraid to become a prt of it. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 (edited) @katiegrl Is that what it is? I hate to put blame on someone else for something happening to me. I mean I feel like I should have control over myself and all. --- You wouldn't be blaming her per se...she is who she is and her family are who they are. Either they fit in with what you want in your life and envision it to be.... or they don't. The first step is acknowledging that this is NOT a good fit....it's bringing you down...very down -- you are depressed. The second step is doing something about it... like getting into couples counseling in an effort to work on the issues that aren't working for ya and causing depression OR ending the RL. If you choose to do neither of things and instead place blame on the fact you feel guilty (about what I still can't figure out)...then the blame is misplaced....and won't do you any good at all. You can blame yourself for that....and if you choose to remain in this situation without taking steps to resolve (again either through couples counseling or ending the RL)... then you can blame yourself for that too. It's really your choice...but some deep introspection might do you some good, cause IMO you seem to be in a bit of denial about your current RL. Perhaps you're not quite ready to leave just yet... so you catapult yourself into denial... it's pretty common actually. I dunno.... I could be totally off... JMO from what I've read. Edited February 6, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farman Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 @katiegrl I definitely don't want to do nothing. But how could counseling help the issues about the family? They are who they are to her and themselves. I try to really look within myself, but I'm not very good at it. And it might be just that, a denial thing that clouds my mind the deeper I go. It just really sucks. Cause I love her and I hate giving up on things, but my life seems a bit darker every day. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 It sounds to me like you are just to the point where you know this current woman isn't the one. It's not growing, it's fading. I think what you are experiencing and why you are experiencing it (guilt) is because you went straight from one to the other without processing the last breakup. So now you are faced with another breakup and in order to process it, you must process the last one as well, which you are now doing. Why not get through that process, then take your own temperature again about the current one and do whatever needs to be done. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 It sounds like this is the second time you've had a difficult time breaking off a relationship when you felt like it was over. You don't regret breaking up with your ex, but didn't actually manage to do it until you met your current. So maybe you justified breaking up with ex because this current was 'the one'...and now you see she's not, so there is delayed guilt about breaking up with the ex. And you feel guilt about breaking up with this one, too. Basically, you may just feel guilty about leaving women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 It sounds like this is the second time you've had a difficult time breaking off a relationship when you felt like it was over. You don't regret breaking up with your ex, but didn't actually manage to do it until you met your current. So maybe you justified breaking up with ex because this current was 'the one'...and now you see she's not, so there is delayed guilt about breaking up with the ex. And you feel guilt about breaking up with this one, too. Basically, you may just feel guilty about leaving women. Wow, yeah this^^ was super insightful and I completely agree.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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