Prize for anyone who can tell me where I'm going wrong!

[Keira1231]

Ok no prize, but I will be very grateful!

 

I'm in my mid twenties, I have a good job, take care of myself physically, i'm friendly and happy etc etc. and yet I struggle to find a guy who wants to date me seriously.

 

I don't have a specific type - I've dated tall guys, short guys, guys with well-paid jobs, guys who don't have well paid jobs, guys with six-packs, guys without... basically, I have a rule that if a guy works up the nerve to ask me out, I will be open minded and go on at least one date with him.

I really want to find a guy I get on with and who I feel attracted to, to spend some time with (1-3 times a week). If it develops into something serious, even better.

All my friends are very serious with their boyfriends and managed to get them without all the dating hassle, yet I struggle to find a guy who wants to spend the entire day with me.

 

I have my own life and interests, as well as a good social life. I don't come on too strong - I let guys take the leads with dates and when we meet up in the initial stages. I don't text constantly, or hang around waiting for a text back. I don't sleep with guys on the first date and I don't have one night stands. While I don't take "The Rules" book as a mantra to live by, I can see some similarities in the way I date, that are recommended in the book, basically I work on creating a fulfilling and happy life for myself and don't expect a guy to "fix" or "complete" it for me.

 

Essentially it feels like I am doing everything right, yet struggle to find a guy who wants to spend the day with me.

 

Most recently a guy i've been dating for two months has text me to say that, he's sorry but he's just too busy to see me right now unless it's very irregular.

 

The guys I date go on to have girlfriends and I'm at a point where I don't understand where I am going wrong.

 

Most recently, I wasn't particularly excited about meeting him as he wasn't very attractive in his picture, but had an amazing time, we got on really well and we had tons in common. He was also really keen, by the end of the first couple of dates he would start to plan the next one, he insisted on paying for everything, was a perfect gent... we had sex and afterwards he started to become really busy - he had plans for the following three weekends. I mentioned I had reservations about how it would work out if he was so busy, but he insisted he would have more free time in future.

The future arrives and we make weekend plans. I make a joke in a text while out with friends one weekend that he's too young for me (he's a couple of years younger). He freaks out and accuses me of wanting to sleep with other people (I don't). I told him if that was the case I wouldn't play mind games with him over it. He tells me he likes me and hopes that I want to see him again. I tell him I like him and that I do, but I don't want to be someone he sees when he has nothing else to do, he reassures me this isn't the case.

 

Then I get a text from him to say that, after all of the above, he is just too busy with work and can't see me regularly.

 

I'm upset because I am fed up with things starting off so well, really hitting it off with a guy and then the rug is pulled beneath my feet. I have a pretty thick skin but i'm starting to think there is something lacking with me.

 

Am I doing something obviously wrong to push guys away that I can't see?!

Edited February 5, 2016 by Keira1231

[Redhead14]

It doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong. And, frankly, there isn't anything you can do "wrong" necessarily. You simply haven't met your THE ONE. Plain and simple. No matter what you do or don't do, it just a matter of meeting the one who likes what you do or don't do . . .

 

You can't try to do things or change yourself to accommodate an unknown. In other words, if you're sticking to the basics of not being clingy, needy, rushing or sleeping with people too soon, etc., it's just about dating to find the one that likes you just as you are. It's a process, not an event.

 

I gave this analogy in another thread: Dating is like buying a pair of shoes (for both men and women). You go to the store, see a pair you like, try them on and walk around a little. They feel fine at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and after some time, you realize that they hurt in the toes or the heels. Some people will wear the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out . . . but they still have to deal with the blisters for a while.

[SwordofFlame]

OP, how are you meeting these men? If it's through online dating, I'm not surprised you're having this problem.

[Keira1231]

It doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong. And, frankly, there isn't anything you can do "wrong" necessarily. You simply haven't met your THE ONE. Plain and simple. No matter what you do or don't do, it just a matter of meeting the one who likes what you do or don't do . . .

 

You can't try to do things or change yourself to accommodate an unknown. In other words, if you're sticking to the basics of not being clingy, needy, rushing or sleeping with people too soon, etc., it's just about dating to find the one that likes you just as you are. It's a process, not an event.

 

I gave this analogy in another thread: Dating is like buying a pair of shoes (for both men and women). You go to the store, see a pair you like, try them on and walk around a little. They feel fine at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and after some time, you realize that they hurt in the toes or the heels. Some people will wear the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out . . . but they still have to deal with the blisters for a while.

 

I'm beginning to think there might not be a "The One" for me

[Keira1231]

OP, how are you meeting these men? If it's through online dating, I'm not surprised you're having this problem.

 

I've only recently ventured into online dating (the guy I described above, I met online). Others have been a variety of ways;

 

1st guy - Met through a friend. he came onto me, came on really keen and we dated for about 3 months long distance. Told me he didn't want anything serious, but then met a girl a month later who he has now been with two years.

 

2nd guy - Met through a friend, he went out of his way to come round to my friends house when I was there. Came on very strong (he had asked me to be official after 2 weeks). After our first fight he broke up with me after 4 months of us being a couple, without any real explanation.

 

3rd guy - Met at a club, he walked me home and got my number. I made it clear I didn't want to have a one night stand. He badgered me for weeks about meeting up, but then went hot and cold when we started seeing each other (and shortly after we had sex for the first time). I ended things with him because I was fed up with his inconsistency.

[Keira1231]

It doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong. And, frankly, there isn't anything you can do "wrong" necessarily. You simply haven't met your THE ONE. Plain and simple. No matter what you do or don't do, it just a matter of meeting the one who likes what you do or don't do . . .

 

You can't try to do things or change yourself to accommodate an unknown. In other words, if you're sticking to the basics of not being clingy, needy, rushing or sleeping with people too soon, etc., it's just about dating to find the one that likes you just as you are. It's a process, not an event.

 

I gave this analogy in another thread: Dating is like buying a pair of shoes (for both men and women). You go to the store, see a pair you like, try them on and walk around a little. They feel fine at the time. You buy them, wear them for a while and after some time, you realize that they hurt in the toes or the heels. Some people will wear the shoes even though they hurt and some people will throw them out . . . but they still have to deal with the blisters for a while.

 

... the guys I've dated, are all in happy relationships from what I can tell, the common denominator in all these dead end dating experiences, is me

[Keira1231]

OP, how are you meeting these men? If it's through online dating, I'm not surprised you're having this problem.

 

I've seen a lot of bad experiences mentioned on this site, but two of my friends with their current SO from online dating and are very happy/serious with them.

 

Another friend met her current boyfriend on tinder after dating a couple of guys.

 

Is it really that bad, have my friends been flukes?!

[SugarLips72]

I've been in the same huge slump as you except I am 43 and its hard to get guys at my age and most guys my age are not attractive. for the past 2 years I have not been out more than 4 or 5 times with the same guy. So sick of it. I have 2 kids so I am not available every night but even my flings with single fathers dont last. All my friends have boyfriends even the ones divorced go right off and find another relationship. I don't get it.

 

We're in the same boat sista

[brokengirl85]

Looks like everything slows down once you have sex. Can you find any correlation?

[Keira1231]

Looks like everything slows down once you have sex. Can you find any correlation?

 

If only it was that simple!

 

so, first guy I described, I had sex with him after the first date (only time I've ever done this). We continued to date for three months and he mentioned a month or two in he wasn't looking for anything serious. It was LD and at the time soI took it that, that was that and it fizzles out. But lo and behold he gets a serious girlfriend right after. We overlapped, actually.

 

Second guy, we hung out for say, 3-4 days over a 2-3 week period before we had sex. But before we dated and during, he was very attentive and showed a lot of interest in me - he made the effort to see me, text me regularly etc.

 

Third guy, to be honest I think was a bit of a douche but I was too niave to notice. He obviously brought me home hoping for something more. I made it clear I didn't do that, but he continued to pursue me until he got what he wanted. In this scenario, I waited three weeks before we had sex, but if i'd waited 3 months the result would probably have been the same.

 

Most recent guy, again, we had numerous dates between 2-3 weeks during which time he was very attentive, text and called often. I actually mentioned to him that it looked like he had lost interest after sex. He insisted this wasn't the case, and that he had more time on his hands in the earlier weeks of us dating. But I generally think of the "busy" excuse as being BS anyway.

 

I would have though 2-3 weeks is fairly standard? Majority of my friends did not wait at all - two boyfriends were a drunk one night stand initially.

 

Plus I waited 4 months with one guy who I ended up ending things with, because having sex with him made me realise a spark just wasn't there.

 

Maybe they do cool off after sex, but I

[Keira1231]

I should also mention, usually I let guys know my thoughts on sex. I don't judge ONS, but they just aren't for me. I tell them I prefer to have sex only with people who like me and vice versa, as part of the dating process as opposed to sex being the end goal.

 

I like to think most guys wouldn't want to completely disregard my feelings if they knew they were only interested in a hook up. I think that's why this most recent guy got offended when I asked him if he lost interest after sex. Did he know he didn't want anything serious but pursued me anyway because he wanted to have sex with me? and now the "I'm busy" excuse is an easy way out for him without feeling like the bad guy?

[MidwestUSA]

I'm beginning to think there might not be a "The One" for me

 

I have a surprise for you.

 

 

There's not 'the one', there are more than one. You just haven't come across any of them yet.

 

I don't see that you're doing anything wrong, it's just a matter of time. Keep plugging along.

[basil67]

I've only recently ventured into online dating (the guy I described above, I met online). Others have been a variety of ways;

 

1st guy - Met through a friend. he came onto me, came on really keen and we dated for about 3 months long distance. Told me he didn't want anything serious, but then met a girl a month later who he has now been with two years.

 

2nd guy - Met through a friend, he went out of his way to come round to my friends house when I was there. Came on very strong (he had asked me to be official after 2 weeks). After our first fight he broke up with me after 4 months of us being a couple, without any real explanation.

 

3rd guy - Met at a club, he walked me home and got my number. I made it clear I didn't want to have a one night stand. He badgered me for weeks about meeting up, but then went hot and cold when we started seeing each other (and shortly after we had sex for the first time). I ended things with him because I was fed up with his inconsistency.

 

Guy 1: Long distance = failure to be expected. Was the new girl local to him?

 

Guy 2: Some fights (either the cause or the way the fighting happens) indicate that the relationship should end. What was the fight about, and was anything unpleasant said?

 

Guy 3: Your choice. And the right choice.

[Keira1231]

Guy 1: Long distance = failure to be expected. Was the new girl local to him?

 

Guy 2: Some fights (either the cause or the way the fighting happens) indicate that the relationship should end. What was the fight about, and was anything unpleasant said?

 

Guy 3: Your choice. And the right choice.

 

Guy 1 - she wasn't, actually. If only! She lived closer to him than I did at the time, but still a good two hour drive distance.

 

Guy 2 - To be honest, it wasn't that big a fight. There wasn't any yelling or name calling. He had broken his leg a few weeks earlier and wasn't in a great mood (I was very supportive of him btw - picked him up at hospital, listened to him vent etc). Prior to the fight, I was switching pills and was particularly emotional. He snapped at me, I took it badly and cried a lot before we both eventually went to sleep. I went to work the next day without speaking much and didn't contact him for a day afterwards (I realise now what a mistake this was, and that it was essentially emotional blackmail). He called and ended it.

 

Guy 3 - I know, I'm glad I did, but I felt I didn't have much of a choice. It still hurt at the time and I'd have rather he actually liked me, instead of pretending to.

[Keira1231]

I have a surprise for you.

 

 

There's not 'the one', there are more than one. You just haven't come across any of them yet.

 

I don't see that you're doing anything wrong, it's just a matter of time. Keep plugging along.

 

 

But... I've been looking for "One" for ten years now. I want to have children! I don't have another 10 years!

[MidwestUSA]

But... I've been looking for "One" for ten years now. I want to have children! I don't have another 10 years!

 

You're mid twenties? Yes, you have time. I was married at 26, and it was the worst decision of my life.

 

You might meet 'one' tomorrow. (I hope so). When you do, there won't be any doubt.

 

Just sayin' hang in there, your head is screwed on straight.

[elaine567]

I have my own life and interests, as well as a good social life. I don't come on too strong - I let guys take the leads with dates and when we meet up in the initial stages. I don't text constantly, or hang around waiting for a text back. I don't sleep with guys on the first date and I don't have one night stands. While I don't take "The Rules" book as a mantra to live by, I can see some similarities in the way I date, that are recommended in the book, basically I work on creating a fulfilling and happy life for myself and don't expect a guy to "fix" or "complete" it for me.

 

YOU seem to have no problem attracting men, they are very keen at the start, but keeping them is the issue and is that all on them, or on you?

You seem to be very well sorted and perhaps that may be the problem, in that where is there room for a man here?

I do not think men necessarily like clingy, weak women, but not all like strong self-sufficient women who never need them either.

Are you "wife" material? Are you a team player, or are you more a one man band?

Also being so organised, is there a chance you may be a bit boring, not spontaneous enough, not enough to keep them interested in dating you long term? You say you play by the book but that in itself may be a turn off are you indeed playing too hard to get?

Seems to me the men you quoted were looking for an out and either ended it over trivia (the fight) or acted in a way to make you end it. Blowing hot and cold is a sign he was just not happy, and saying "I don't want anything serious" is another "out".

I do not want to say this is all on you, because the men may be commitment-phobes or have other issues nothing to do with you, but you need to take a long hard look at your input here.

What do your friends have to say about it? What do they think?

[Httm]

I've seen a lot of bad experiences mentioned on this site, but two of my friends with their current SO from online dating and are very happy/serious with them.

 

Another friend met her current boyfriend on tinder after dating a couple of guys.

 

Is it really that bad, have my friends been flukes?!

 

Nope. Not bad at all. I've made some of my best friends from online dating and my current partner, along with other past serious relationships. People are people, whether they are from online or elsewhere. People just want things instantaneously, without putting in effort. Online requires effort. People would rather label something so they don't have to work for what they want. Their loss.

 

To op, don't give up. Sometimes these things take time. Try to learn from the characteristics of these guys that might be in common and be more sensitive to them in the future. Also, grt online and out there meeting people on a regular basis. You'll find someone!

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, I rarely give advice on dating threads because I am a horrible example.

 

But I married my husband a year after he asked me for change because he was living on the street. Together 11 years. (He lives indoors now and has since shortly after that. He's also a great Dad).

 

But maybe trying to get the dating numbers up a bit more.

 

I also read a book called something like "Why Men Marry Some Women But Not Others."

 

It crunched the numbers down and I bought it when my ex seemed to be stalled.

 

Ironically, when I met my husband, aside from his *ahem* circumstances it actually helped me identify that he had the marriage-minded indicators. Which is pretty funny to look back on and think about.

 

I am honestly not suggesting you troll under the local bridges to find a husband though. But the book might be helpful. Maybe just one thing missing on a small list of ingredients.

[Keira1231]

YOU seem to have no problem attracting men, they are very keen at the start, but keeping them is the issue and is that all on them, or on you?

You seem to be very well sorted and perhaps that may be the problem, in that where is there room for a man here?

I do not think men necessarily like clingy, weak women, but not all like strong self-sufficient women who never need them either.

Are you "wife" material? Are you a team player, or are you more a one man band?

Also being so organised, is there a chance you may be a bit boring, not spontaneous enough, not enough to keep them interested in dating you long term? You say you play by the book but that in itself may be a turn off are you indeed playing too hard to get?

Seems to me the men you quoted were looking for an out and either ended it over trivia (the fight) or acted in a way to make you end it. Blowing hot and cold is a sign he was just not happy, and saying "I don't want anything serious" is another "out".

I do not want to say this is all on you, because the men may be commitment-phobes or have other issues nothing to do with you, but you need to take a long hard look at your input here.

What do your friends have to say about it? What do they think?

 

"that where is there room for a man here? Are you "wife" material? Are you a team player, or are you more a one man band?"

 

Well, that's the thing - I left home pretty young (18) and moved to a new city. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet pretty quickly (particularly since old friends in the past let me down) and as a result I've become very independent and used to doing things along. I don't know if I convey this to the guys I date, since I never reach a level of intimacy with them really. I do want to make room for a boyfriend in my life. Very much so, because I feel it's something I'm ready to experience etc.

 

Am I Boring? Truly, I don't think so. For example, with the last guy I dated, we had loads of interests in common - from food, to sport, to TV shows. There are very few activities I won't be up for trying at least once. I am quite quiet though - I do love a good museum.

 

Too Hard to get? Maybe. I prefer to have dates planned in advance. Because I want guys to respect my time from the start - if we plan a set date or time, then I have something to look forward to and can make time to fit other things in my week. But I would say I am quite happy to tell someone I like them and to show interest.

 

Is it possible that some people just have some sort of subconscious "vibe" they give that makes them undesirable to date long term?!

 

I'm pretty introspective - I can look on at past mistakes and own up to them and learn from them, but I really can't put my finger on a specific behavior that's sending these guys running!

 

As for my friends - I moved again recently, I only have one friend here, so I can't get a variety of feedback from them. I guess she would say I get really into a guy when I like him. For example, with the previous guy, our first date went really well so I was on cloud nine the next day and really excited about it.

[Keira1231]

Well, I rarely give advice on dating threads because I am a horrible example.

 

But I married my husband a year after he asked me for change because he was living on the street. Together 11 years. (He lives indoors now and has since shortly after that. He's also a great Dad).

 

But maybe trying to get the dating numbers up a bit more.

 

I also read a book called something like "Why Men Marry Some Women But Not Others."

 

It crunched the numbers down and I bought it when my ex seemed to be stalled.

 

Ironically, when I met my husband, aside from his *ahem* circumstances it actually helped me identify that he had the marriage-minded indicators. Which is pretty funny to look back on and think about.

 

I am honestly not suggesting you troll under the local bridges to find a husband though. But the book might be helpful. Maybe just one thing missing on a small list of ingredients.

 

I'll definitely try a read - can you give me an example of "Marriage Minded Indicators?!"

 

(a little off topic, but so glad to hear your husband got off the street and is now a happy dad! I used to volunteer for a homeless charity and there was nothing better than seeing a former resident go off and achieve great things for themselves)

[Saracena]

 

 

I am honestly not suggesting you troll under the local bridges to find a husband though. .

 

 

LOL! No, more robust characters all round are generally found on park benches!! Seriously, glad to hear your husband sorted things out.

 

 

OP Apart from saying you just haven't met the right one, other things that spring to mind are a) the age of the guys you're dating b) getting a bit too 'comfortable' or 'complacent' in the later months. Sometimes we forget this phase requires the same level of 'work' in order to keep that spark going! I've no idea if these apply in your case....just throwing them out there.

[xxoo]

You say you go out with everyone who gets up the nerve to ask you out. That may be your first mistake. Are you choosing? I don't mean based on income or body shape, but rather based on what kind of person this is and what they are looking for. Of course, you need to know him a little bit in order to know what kind of person he is. If you're dating strangers, you should be excluding many of them in the first few dates based on suitability. You are wasting time, and possibly walking right past potential "the ones," when you are dating men who aren't interested in a relationship with you.

[Keira1231]

I have a few different ideas.

 

Generally speaking, when women say they have the problem you have, it's because the guys they are shooting for are out of their league. When guys want to get laid, we date down a bit. Just look at Bill Clinton. He was getting bj's from Monica, who was just an average looking, chubby Jewish girl. He was the President! When women say they have a hard time finding guys they are attracted to, that actually want to be with them...this is most often the problem.

 

I think you have a hard time judging men. You say all of these guys seem keen on you, but they all seem to bail in short order. Obviously, they weren't into you that much. Maybe you need to learn how to better pick up on subtle clues that show when a guy is really interested in you vs just trying to get laid.

 

Aha oh my goodness no, honestly I have dated some unattractive guys looks-wise!

[Keira1231]

You say you go out with everyone who gets up the nerve to ask you out. That may be your first mistake. Are you choosing? I don't mean based on income or body shape, but rather based on what kind of person this is and what they are looking for. Of course, you need to know him a little bit in order to know what kind of person he is. If you're dating strangers, you should be excluding many of them in the first few dates based on suitability. You are wasting time, and possibly walking right past potential "the ones," when you are dating men who aren't interested in a relationship with you.

 

That's the issue - I don't know if they are interested in a relationship. And the fact they are keen to begin with, makes me think they could be.

 

and I am more choosy than my op perhaps suggests.

 

For example, I agreed to go out with a guy (friend of a friend). I wasn't interested in him, and because he knew a friend, I knew he dated a ton of women ad didn't treat them particularly well. So I was fairly certain he wasn't looking for relationship.

 

So I went on the date with him, which went OK but we didn't exactly hit it off spectacularly, then declined to go on a second date.

 

I figured that based on the fact I wasn't attracted to him, I had prior knowledge which indicated he wasn't looking for anything, plus we didn't get along, that there was no point pursuing it.