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Really struggling with this one.


Thorgs

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Hi everyone. I need some help.

 

Matched with this girl on Tinder back in September, met in November. We went on 3 dates from mid December to mid January. I'm 33 and she's 26 with a 9 month old baby. She just moved to the area in November and doesn’t know anyone that I’m aware of. I would be the one to always text her first. She never initiated.

 

On our 3rd date all I had planned was going to a pottery place. That was only going to last an hour or so. That ended and I asked her out to dinner on the spot because I enjoyed her company. When we were about to leave dinner I told her my friend/old co-worker was having some people over for wine and asked if she wanted to go. She said yes. She hit it off great with my friends (both female) and some other people that were there. So the one-hour date turned into almost 8 hours.

 

That was 4 weekends ago. I asked her out the following weekend and she said ‘absolutely!”. I text her that day confirming a time but I didn’t hear from her for 4 hours so I text her again saying ‘guess not’. She text me right after and said, No no, my flight is delayed! I didn’t even know she left the state. She is having a visitation battle with her ex. The following weekend she had to go back to the state to drop her son off for a week. Last weekend she was supposed to pick him up but now her ex is trying to get full custody.

 

She barely text me the whole time he’s been gone. She text me last Friday after work and I was asking questions about what was happening and she was replying and all of a sudden just stopped texting me in the middle of the conversation. Didn’t hear from her all weekend. Monday night she snapchatted me so I wrote to her saying the court still haven’t decided? And gave her some advice based on the information I did know. She wrote back and politely of belittled my advice and said she’s already tried all that. I wrote, okay sorry for bothering you. She wrote back, you’re supposed to be supportive. I’m too broken right now to try and defend myself. So I wrote back, sorry I don’t know what you have and haven’t done. Whenever we text you stop talking mid conversation and you don’t pick up when I call. How is giving you advice and literally offering to come over and be there for you not supportive? I’m on your side with this and want your son back in your arms; I wish you’d see that. She hasn’t replied since Monday night but she’s made a couple snapchat stories when she almost never does.

 

She made me feel guilty when I’ve been nothing but supportive of her. She would take a long time to reply, hours or days sometimes when her son was in her custody but he hasn’t been in the last 3 weeks. It’s been a month since I’ve seen her in person. Is she just ignoring me now, playing games? What should I do? I really like her.

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Have you dated single mothers before? It sounds like this is uncharted territory for you. My best friend was a single mom, so here's some insight.

 

Trying to date new people while you have a 9 month old baby, is just a bad, terrible idea. Most mothers I know would want nothing to do with dating while taking care of a little baby. Just the thought of putting on makeup and a nice outfit is beyond exhausting for most mothers of a nine month old baby. This is even more challenging if she's also working a full time job, and dealing with sleepless nights. Then there's the problem that her relationship with her ex is still very much not over yet. A breakup with a baby involved is so much more difficult than a regular breakup. They may even get back together again at some point. She may still have feelings for him. It's really too soon for her to be dating other people.

 

You haven't done anything wrong here, but she is going to need some space to sort her life out before she's ready to have a relationship with anyone. She apparently doesn't realize that she needs to take time to get her life back together, which is likely because she's a little immature and overwhelmed with her situation.

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babycrapgreen

I remember when my parents were divorcing, I was pretty selfish in the relationship. Not intentionally, but, I was just plane stressed and didn't know how to deal with the situation.

 

People handle stress differently, priorities take precedent over things, like your relationship. You have to see it that way and not take it personally. She may lose her kid. That's really stressful. You don't know why she left the state without telling you and you should leave it at that. Don't infer to much.

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I've dated single moms before, but the kids were usually older.

 

I didn't mean to find out the information. I literally thought she was just ignoring me. I've told her I understand she wants her privacy with that and that I understand she's going through a very difficult time. I just can't believe she told me I'm supposed to be supportive (as if I wasn't) when all I've been is supportive, even before all this.

 

Everytime I've asked her out on a date she always says "Absolutely!" and we have a great time so she's given me super mixed messages.

 

Do I text her or just ignore her back?

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babycrapgreen

Give her space. Text her for like a casual invite... "hey how are you? Worried about you, let's grab something to eat."

 

If she's mean or ignores you after that, than, that's just plane rude. Ghost her.

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Is she just ignoring me now, playing games? What should I do? I really like her.

 

 

Hmmm...a 9 month old baby, having to frequently fly to do visitation and an ex who is trying to get custody of the baby... I'd say she has a whole lot on her plate that is driving her nuts and may have felt that on that particular day, you were sounding like someone who was not being supportive, even though that may not have been your aim. If you're not on the receiving end, you don't know how you came across.

 

I wouldn't get my feelings so invested this early on. Her life is quite unsettled and this out of state move may be something the court might make her correct, depending upon how hard in the paint her ex chooses to to go.

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Hmmm...a 9 month old baby, having to frequently fly to do visitation and an ex who is trying to get custody of the baby... I'd say she has a whole lot on her plate that is driving her nuts and may have felt that on that particular day, you were sounding like someone who was not being supportive, even though that may not have been your aim. If you're not on the receiving end, you don't know how you came across.

 

I understand she has a lot on her plate. It wasn't fair to me to even want to meet in the first place since we met over a dating app.

 

As for her Saying I'm supposed to be supportive, she jokingly asked if any Thai or wine places deliver and I said no but offered to pick it up and asked what was going on with her child because I really do care. I've met him, he's an awesome little guy. Then she came out with that and it threw me off guard. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve with her. Not overly, but enough to show her I'm there for her.

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I understand she has a lot on her plate. It wasn't fair to me to even want to meet in the first place since we met over a dating app.

 

As for her Saying I'm supposed to be supportive, she jokingly asked if any Thai or wine places deliver and I said no but offered to pick it up and asked what was going on with her child because I really do care. I've met him, he's an awesome little guy. Then she came out with that and it threw me off guard. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve with her. Not overly, but enough to show her I'm there for her.

 

 

I think that you most certainly should tell her that you were taken aback with her comment about you not being supportive when if she looked at it, she would see that you've been nothing but supportive. I'd also back off from her and give her some space--sometimes, supporting a person means giving them the space they need to miss your support.

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I have no idea why women with infants date. It's dumb and she has herself and her baby to think about. Not some boyfriend who will never care about the baby like she or Dad does-no offense to you.

 

Step back here. This is potentially drama you do not need here. If you want to date a woman with older kids than that is fine. There is a lot entailed in dating a woman with a baby.

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I have no idea why women with infants date. It's dumb and she has herself and her baby to think about. Not some boyfriend who will never care about the baby like she or Dad does-no offense to you.

 

No offense, yet offensive. I work with 3-10 (mainly 5) year olds every day. Kids are awesome. I know most guys would fall under your comment though.

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