The Waiting Game is Easier Said than Done

[Erdbeere]

I have spent the recent weeks getting to know a new man. We live near to each other, and both see quite a lot of our friends and family on any given week. At first, we'd be chatting throughout every day, when we had a chance, but the communication is much more sporadic now (days pass with none). When we're in touch, we chat easily, and about a variety of things. We're flirty. We laugh.

 

He isn't preoccupied with his phone when we're together. In fact, neither of us have a phone in sight, nor check a phone, when we're together.

 

 

I am mulling it all over (and am a thinker by nature), but don't want to jump to conclusions that that are out of proportion. We discuss going on dates often, but they don't mostly come to fruition (eg he mentioned meeting for breakfast on Sat morning, but we both slept until the afternoon, and then mentioned meeting for a drink later, but didn't plan anything).

 

 

I wonder if he's simply more inclined to take it slowly getting to know someone (it's not just that we are newly trying to explore our chemistry, but we are also new to each other's lives), or whether it's simply a case of it not mattering whether things fizzle out or not. When we were chatting at the weekend, he gave me a load of compliments on me as a human being, and how interested he is in me, which made me think otherwise. The list of things were personal and genuine, I feel. He said he has a good feeling about me. However, I wonder why we're not meeting more, or why I don't feel more of a sense of urgency from him to correspond. We used to send messages throughout the day, and it has now been 4 days with no contact. It's early days. I don't want to get ahead of myself in judging him unfairly. It can take time to find a place for someone in your life, and it isn't always realistic to sustain a high amount of contact.

 

 

I think I've asked as much as I can right now. It's early days. I don't want to indulge my fears too much. I don't want to get so caught up in thinking he's not doing the things I want and jumping to the conclusion that things are, therefore, bad. I just don't want to be patient and wait, if he's not really concerned 1 way or the other.

 

 

I'm not expecting people to know exactly what's going on, but would love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, or has ideas that may help.

 

 

tl;dr: We don't chat as much as I'd like, but that doesn't mean anything's wrong. We don't meet as much as I'd like, but that also doesn't mean anything's wrong.

[BluEyeL]

Because he's just not that into you. A man who is interested in you will make sure he meets you on a regular basis. If he said he'll meet you for breakfast or for drinks, he will make sure he does. A man who is interested will.make.it.happen!!

No ifs or buts!!

 

Date other people and forget this guy.

[smudge21]

As much as it pains me to say it, I have to agree that he's not that into you. Yes, he clearly likes you a lot, but there's a point where he's not prepared to go and you clearly want it to go there. Okay, there may be a chance he's willing to take it slow and if that's the case, you need to find out by talking to him.. but of course with that comes the fear of finding out that he doesn't feel that way and then you feel bad and so on and so on.

 

 

I said it pains me because I'm going through (or nearing the end) of something similar with a girl who has pretty much acted identical to your guy. Over the last few weeks, her contact has dropped so much that I'm left with the only option being to let this one go... and it does hurt, but you can't make someone feel the same way for you as you do for them.

 

 

There is always that belief that if someone likes you enough they will come to you if you walk away, but you should never live in that hope. Do what you feel is right for you, whether that's addressing the issue, walking away, or just letting the whole thing play out and see what happens whilst keeping your options open.

[hippychick3]

Sorry, OP. The early days are when the guy is super eager to see you, calls or texts a lot, and wants to see you as much as possible IF he is really into you.

 

It would be in your best interest to actively date others right now and not invest any more of your heart into this guy. When a guy is interested, he acts interested.

[Gaeta]

He isn't preoccupied with his phone when we're together. In fact, neither of us have a phone in sight, nor check a phone, when we're together.

 

How many times have you gone on dates?

 

We discuss going on dates often, but they don't mostly come to fruition (eg he mentioned meeting for breakfast on Sat morning, but we both slept until the afternoon, and then mentioned meeting for a drink later, but didn't plan anything).

You start your thread by mentioning you are living near each other. So there is no real reason for not getting together even when the weekend is filled with family and friends events but when 2 people really want to spend time together they make plans even if it's just grabbing breakfast together for an hour.

 

I wonder if he's simply more inclined to take it slowly getting to know someone (it's not just that we are newly trying to explore our chemistry, but we are also new to each other's lives), or whether it's simply a case of it not mattering whether things fizzle out or not. When we were chatting at the weekend, he gave me a load of compliments on me as a human being, and how interested he is in me, which made me think otherwise. The list of things were personal and genuine, I feel. He said he has a good feeling about me. However, I wonder why we're not meeting more.

Maybe he has made all the invitation so far and he's waiting for you to initiate?

 

 

or why I don't feel more of a sense of urgency from him to correspond. We used to send messages throughout the day, and it has now been 4 days with no contact. It's early days. I don't want to get ahead of myself in judging him unfairly. It can take time to find a place for someone in your life, and it isn't always realistic to sustain a high amount of contact..

To judge this I really need to know what you define as early state? How long? how many dates?

[Erdbeere]

How many times have you gone on dates?

 

You start your thread by mentioning you are living near each other. So there is no real reason for not getting together even when the weekend is filled with family and friends events but when 2 people really want to spend time together they make plans even if it's just grabbing breakfast together for an hour.

 

Maybe he has made all the invitation so far and he's waiting for you to initiate?

 

 

To judge this I really need to know what you define as early state? How long? how many dates?

 

 

We've been out on 1 actual date, and also ended up in the same cafe 1 time, and sat together chatting, whilst our friends chatted with themselves. We've known each other just short of 3 weeks.

[smackie9]

Not that into you.......

[Gaeta]

We've been out on 1 actual date, and also ended up in the same cafe 1 time, and sat together chatting, whilst our friends chatted with themselves. We've known each other just short of 3 weeks.

 

1 date and 3 weeks chatting when you both live close by = not that into you.

[Erdbeere]

1 date and 3 weeks chatting when you both live close by = not that into you.

 

Half the responses to the situation are he's clearly not interested, or he'd be doing more.

Half are he's clearly interested, and this is totally normal at this stage.

 

It's really so hard to make sense of. Why keep suggesting dates? Why send me personal compliments? Why make an effort when we do chatter? Why suddenly drop contact?

 

Everything I read about how frequently people should be in contact makes this seem normal. Everything I read about when men invest in a potential partner makes it seem like that grows over time, and isn't immediate.

[Methodical]

I posted in another thread about fading that you have participated in. The following is a copy and paste of that post where I addressed your post within that thread.

 

This is a perfect example of why I believe that it's better to be upfront and honest if sincere interest is not there. You are kind of hanging in the balance wondering whether or not his compliments and suggestions to meet again are genuine.

 

I understand that ppl are busy, but making time for coffee or breakfast isn't that hard to work into a person's schedule, typically. He's still communicating, but at stretched out intervals, much the way Redhead described the fade in post #41. (In the fading thread.)

 

Sorry you're in limbo .

 

I agree that he is stringing you along with breadcrumbs so as not to look like a bad guy, when in reality, the truth would be so much easier and you could move on without all this doubt/hope tug of war.

[katiegrl]

Half the responses to the situation are he's clearly not interested, or he'd be doing more.

Half are he's clearly interested, and this is totally normal at this stage.

It's really so hard to make sense of. Why keep suggesting dates? Why send me personal compliments? Why make an effort when we do chatter? Why suddenly drop contact?

 

Everything I read about how frequently people should be in contact makes this seem normal. Everything I read about when men invest in a potential partner makes it seem like that grows over time, and isn't immediate.

 

I didn't read any responses saying he is clearly interested.

 

Literally all the responses (on this thread anyway) say he's NOT interested. Which I agree with.

 

What am I missing?

 

If you think this is a guy interested.... I shudder to think of what a guy who wasn't interested looks like to you.

 

This is NOT a guy interested. Not romantically anyway. I'm sorry.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

It's really so hard to make sense of. Why keep suggesting dates? Why send me personal compliments? Why make an effort when we do chatter? Why suddenly drop contact?

 

Suggesting dates and not making them is not an effort.

Sending compliments over the Internet is not making an effort

 

What is an effort?

It's putting time aside for you

It's setting up a date with a time and place

It's showering, shaving, putting his best shirt on and driving to meet you.

 

That's making an effort.

 

He stopped contacting you because = He is not that into you.

[Erdbeere]

I didn't read any responses saying he is clearly interested.

 

Literally all the responses (on this thread anyway) say he's NOT interested. Which I agree with.

 

What am I missing?

 

If you think this is a guy interested.... I shudder to think of what a guy who wasn't interested looks like to you.

 

This is NOT a guy interested. Not romantically anyway. I'm sorry.

 

 

Sorry, I wasn't just mentioning responses here. I've asked a variety of people for opinions. Also, some people have sent me direct messages, rather than post on the thread here.

 

I'm not saying he's interested. I'm saying I don't know what to think. Isn't my confusion evident?

[katiegrl]

 

When we were chatting at the weekend, he gave me a load of compliments on me as a human being, and how interested he is in me, which made me think otherwise. The list of things were personal and genuine, I feel. He said he has a good feeling about me.

 

However, I wonder why we're not meeting more, or why I don't feel more of a sense of urgency from him to correspond. We used to send messages throughout the day, and it has now been 4 days with no contact. It's early days. I don't want to get ahead of myself in judging him unfairly. It can take time to find a place for someone in your life, and it isn't always realistic to sustain a high amount of contact.

 

 

Translation: You're beautiful and awesome and I really wish I were into you... but unfortunately I am not really feeling it ....but I'm okay chatting occasionally (and maybe even hooking up once in awhile) when I'm bored and lonely.

 

When a guy IS into you... trust me you will KNOW it.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Erdbeere]

Translation: You're beautiful and awesome and I really wish I were into you... but unfortunately I am not really feeling it ....but I'm okay chatting occasionally when I'm bored and lonely.

 

When a guy IS into you... trust me you will KNOW it, and won't need to be starting a thread asking others about it.

 

Thanks for this. I think it's probably the right interpretation. It was as I expected it to be, and then it changed - I wasn't inclined to post threads, when it was lovely. You make a good point.

[Zahara]

It's really so hard to make sense of. Why keep suggesting dates? Why send me personal compliments? Why make an effort when we do chatter? Why suddenly drop contact?

 

It's easy to suggest dates. It's the follow through that matters. That's the part that takes effort. Actually planning and moving it forward. He's not doing that. Sounds to me like a case of out of sight, out of mind. He's really not that interested.

[katiegrl]

It's easy to suggest dates. It's the follow through that matters. That's the part that takes effort. Actually planning and moving it forward. He's not doing that. Sounds to me like a case of out of sight, out of mind. He's really not that interested.

 

Exactly. Interested people ACT interested. Their words line up with their actions.

 

OP, what do his actions tell you?

 

Sporadic contact and now no contact and no dates = no interest.

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[Lovelorn00]

I’ve had this happen a lot. Like… A LOT, and I date A LOT. Every time, it’s because the guy lost interest. I once would dwell on the reasons why, but I really try not to anymore. It might’ve been something I said or did. It might have to do with things going on his life. Like you said, it’s the early stages, and it’s difficult for some people to find a place for dating and relationships in their lives. In my opinion, these people shouldn’t be out there dating if they don’t have the time to actually date someone, but some folks are just more aware of this in themselves than others. I sincerely hope that this isn’t the case for you, but in my own personal experience, it’s because the interest level dropped.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, I wasn't just mentioning responses here. I've asked a variety of people for opinions. Also, some people have sent me direct messages, rather than post on the thread here.

 

I'm not saying he's interested. I'm saying I don't know what to think. Isn't my confusion evident?

 

What direct messages??? You have 22 posts on LS; no one can message you directly. The feedback has been unanimous. The guy is not interested--not interested in dating you or a relationship with you.

 

There is nothing to be confused about. He won't go on a second date with you. No dates= not interested in dating you.

 

My sense is you're unwilling to give up hope yet, so you're sticking around on his back burner. Sure, he might get horny one night and sleep with you because you're there. But understand that this isn't going anywhere. Please recognize that and move on to someone else who will reciprocate your interest.

[katiegrl]

Sorry, I wasn't just mentioning responses here. I've asked a variety of people for opinions. Also, some people have sent me direct messages, rather than post on the thread here.

I'm not saying he's interested. I'm saying I don't know what to think. Isn't my confusion evident?

 

Huh? Since you're a new member, you're not authorized to send or receive personal messages yet.

 

You need to be a member at least 30 days.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[Erdbeere]

Can you please stay focused on the situation, rather than picking apart incidental things in my posts? I really appreciate the opinions on my situation, but please remember I am explaining something that's hard for me right now. Seeing my posts picked apart for incidental reasons isn't pruductive, either for those playing detective or me. I've no reason to mislead people about the variance in responses and reactions. I'm clearly here wanting help, otherwise I'd stay in my cocoon only hearing the sound of my own thoughts.

[katiegrl]

Can you please stay focused on the situation, rather than picking apart incidental things in my posts? I really appreciate the opinions on my situation, but please remember I am explaining something that's hard for me right now. Seeing my posts picked apart for incidental reasons isn't pruductive, either for those playing detective or me. I've no reason to mislead people about the variance in responses and reactions. I'm clearly here wanting help, otherwise I'd stay in my cocoon only hearing the sound of my own thoughts.

 

I am not picking apart your posts. *You* made a statement suggesting others had been messaging you with a different opinion, which confused me (and another poster) since you are not authorized to receive personal messages yet.

 

I would love to help you, but frankly it's hard to take you seriously when you are not truthful about something so trivial.

 

Good job trying to flip your little faux pas back on us though.

 

Bottom line, you have received many many responses in response to your *confusion*. Our opinions have been unanimous. He is not interested.

 

Not sure what more you need to hear.....perhaps try a different message board? Maybe their responses will be more in line with what you want to hear.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[Erdbeere]

I am not picking apart your posts. *You* made a statement suggesting others had been messaging you with a different opinion, which confused me (and another poster) since you are not authorized to receive personal messages yet.

 

I would love to help you, but frankly it's hard to take you seriously when you are not truthful about something so trivial.

 

Good job trying to flip it back on us though.

 

Bottom line, you have received many many responses in response to your *confusion*. Our opinions have been unanimous. He is not interested.

 

Not sure what more you need to hear.....perhaps try a different message board? Maybe their responses will be more in line with what you want to hear.

 

I haven't been untruthful, and that's a bold, cruel assertion on your part. I'm struggling to understand your hostility.

 

I don't really follow your attitude in the last post. Let me try to explain why. This is a discussion board, therefore, rather than just posting a boolean question, I'm explaining my puzzles and thoughts as I go, and in response to some people's thoughts. Why is that interpreted as me waiting or wanting to hear something different? Am I not supposed to discuss matters here?

 

Are people here always so clear in thought, when they experience things, that they simply never think about things that have happened again/try to see if they've missed something? If so, they're superhuman in comparison to me. I enjoy chatting about situations, and am always wondering if I've made a mistake or could learn something new.

[hippychick3]

I haven't been untruthful, and that's a bold, cruel assertion on your part. I'm struggling to understand your hostility.

 

I don't really follow your attitude in the last post. Let me try to explain why. This is a discussion board, therefore, rather than just posting a boolean question, I'm explaining my puzzles and thoughts as I go, and in response to some people's thoughts. Why is that interpreted as me waiting or wanting to hear something different? Am I not supposed to discuss matters here?

 

Are people here always so clear in thought, when they experience things, that they simply never think about things that have happened again/try to see if they've missed something? If so, they're superhuman in comparison to me. I enjoy chatting about situations, and am always wondering if I've made a mistake or could learn something new.

 

But, why lie about being messaged by people?

 

I also don't understand what is confusing about your situation. If he was interested, he would plan dates with you and follow through. We know when a guy is into us. He shows interest by his actions. It's very simple.

 

You're wasting your energy on this guy.

[katiegrl]

I haven't been untruthful, and that's a bold, cruel assertion on your part. I'm struggling to understand your hostility.

 

Oh sweetie, if you thought my post was (or that I am) hostile, you're in for a very bumpy ride on this message board. Lol

 

LS'ers have a tendency to be very direct and to call it like we see it.

 

Since you say you were not untruthful..... instead of being so defensive, and calling me hostile for simply asking you about it, why don't you clarify what you meant?

 

I expressed confusion about it...as reflected by my "huh"? So please, enlighten me! What did you mean when you said you have been receiving personal messages?

 

On second thought, nevermind, I don't care and you are right it doesn't matter.

 

In any event, I have said my peace, best of luck moving forward.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl