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BPD? Emotional immaturity? What?


Fernando2826

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My now ex and I had a very intense relationship lasting only 6 months, due to departing for college.

 

During this time, we spent a lot of our time together. She seemed to trust me more than she had any romantic partner previously, telling me such. As a result, we discussed a lot of her issues etc.

 

She was highly promiscuous, sleeping with around 15 guys by the age of 21, most of whom were in a 2 year period. She had cheated on the guy before me, saying she felt little to no guilt, despite him being her first love and a boyfriend of 2 years. Somehow, despite her apparent need for attention, she made it last with him at distance for 2 years.

 

She seemed insecure, calling herself fat, ugly, less than her sisters, and referred to me as being better looking than her. She claimed to have been messed around by guys, in addition to messing them around, and was concerned, particularly during the first months of our relaitonship that I was seeing someone else. She had also had bulimia, and issues with over exercising. Her father (divorced when she was 6ish) had cheated repeatedly on partners and, despite her desire to be nothing like him, she claimed to "always self-sabotage the good things".

 

Despite asking for us to become exclusive after a few months, she went on to kiss another guy at a party and consider ending our relationship soon afterwards. We continued in our relationship, however, and things became incredibly intense. By the 6 month mark, she had told me "you're my soulmate, I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "you're my world", "if you move to Australia after uni, I'll come with you", "if I was to get pregnant, an abortion would be really difficult" and to talk of our future children and lives etc. Bearing in mind that this wasn't the phrasing of a 13 year old, but a 21 year old!

 

Then, just 3 weeks after parting for uni, promising to make it work, and just 4 weeks after a ridiculously romantic holiday in Barcelona, she ended up in bed with another guy at college, on the very night I was driving 4 hours to London no less. She may have slept with him, although passionately swore that this was not the case, but it was still cheating imo, and cold nonetheless. She was flirting with him incessantly by message on her phone right in front of me when I did make the trip. In spite of this, she flooded with tears, claimed to love me more than she had anyone in the past and then ended it.

 

She has since started to see a counsellor and was told that she had an innate desire for attention for men to derive self-confidence (due to her issues with her father). I feel like I could have helped her with all this, since we seemed to have such a level of trust (in terms of our discussions of her issues) and bemoan what happened, and have done every day since.

 

I would love to know what you guys think.

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She has to work out her issues before she can be in a healthy relationship. If she has daddy issues she will test you because she probably has a hard time thinking you'll stay.

 

Unfortunately deadbeat dads have no idea that it's really very harmful to their children when they decide to divorce them too.

 

It makes me sad.

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She has to work out her issues before she can be in a healthy relationship. If she has daddy issues she will test you because she probably has a hard time thinking you'll stay.

 

Unfortunately deadbeat dads have no idea that it's really very harmful to their children when they decide to divorce them too.

 

It makes me sad.

 

I would have stayed. I would never have done anything to hurt her, alas, she went ahead and hurt me.

 

Is this something that resolves with time/therapy or will she likely have issues for the forseeable future?

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How am I suppose to know if she'll get better or not? I hope she does but I can't say that she will for sure.

 

Right now I'd be concerned for yourself if I were you. You can't control her actions. You can only control your own.

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Scarlett.O'hara

It would be too easy to blame immaturity or mental illness for her serial cheating in order to take away some of her accountability, but I think it comes down to her character and values.

 

She had cheated on the guy before me, saying she felt little to no guilt

 

The second you heard this you should have walked out the door. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She is completely untrustworthy and deceitful. People with morals like that only act remorseful when they get caught.

 

Support her if you must, but don't kid yourself that she is going to change because she won't.

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I'd second the opinion about daddy issues. Dad is the first and most important male figure in a girl's life, he's the one to lay the base to his daughter self-esteem. Sounds like your ex had a problematic relationship with her dad and that hurt her fragile self-esteem so deeply that seeking reasurance through multiple sexual intercourses is the only way she can get some validation.

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Daddy issues is extremely complex to those who have no similar experience and to the one who suffers as well. I know because I'm male and I'm sure what I had can be defined as mommy issues. Although I was never that far out I certainly know the feelings and the complexity of it from first person point of view, it feels like being torn apart inside at all times. The one who has it might not even be aware of the cause for their self-sabotage, they're unaware of what drives them and how it came to be. This because their fathers neglect "programmed" them from an early age. Incidentally my mother and one of her sisters (my aunt) has daddy issues, the neglect passes down. Dysfunction happens when just one parent neglects their child, when it's the opposite sex parent I see a pattern where this affects how the child relates to the opposite sex later in love life. She might subconsciously make a generalization about men based on her father, this leads her to take out frustrations regarding her father on other men in many different forms. I stopped my issue dead in it's tracks when I became aware, I will accept no such thing to be passed on, I will not further the pain I was given. That's how I became free of that "darkness".

 

You can "diagnose" her BPD or emotionally immature, but that's superficial and no more mature thing to do. Maturity is understanding, seeing why things are so. What she has done to cause you pain is no less a pain to her, in a greater perspective she's running around in the dark and ruining her own life. Being destructive. You can call it whatever, I just call it suffering. Just like happiness as an emotion spreads, so does suffering. People who does harm has been done harm towards, don't fall victim to it as it only furthers the suffering. Said clearly, don't let what she has done to you get to you.

 

I'm NOT saying this type of behavior should be accepted, it's after all destructive. However it will be easier on you if you can understand why people do bad things. Awareness of what makes us feel suffering is our greatest weapon to prevent suffering, this will apply to you just as much as to her. She's in counselling, what happens there is a process of becoming aware as knowing the full extent of a problem is the first step to solving it. Don't blame yourself for not being able to help, these types of issues is no simple thing to work through and it's understandable and ok you didn't manage to save her.

 

Trust is a great thing, but that alone wouldn't have fixed this if you don't know how to handle this type of problem and its complexities. A trained counselor do have the skill, hopefully she will trust him/her.

 

I have empathy for your ex. This differs from sympathy in that I don't feel like she feels, but I understand how she feels while I feel something else. You can have empathy, but I would advise against sympathy. I hope she learns and finds her way, but real counselling doesn't offer guarantees. She may get better and she may have no effect, in the end it depends on how willing she herself is to know the truth and solve her own problem. The counselor is only there to assist, but if she refuses there's nothing they or anyone else can do.

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Daddy issues is extremely complex to those who have no similar experience and to the one who suffers as well. I know because I'm male and I'm sure what I had can be defined as mommy issues. Although I was never that far out I certainly know the feelings and the complexity of it from first person point of view, it feels like being torn apart inside at all times. The one who has it might not even be aware of the cause for their self-sabotage, they're unaware of what drives them and how it came to be. This because their fathers neglect "programmed" them from an early age. Incidentally my mother and one of her sisters (my aunt) has daddy issues, the neglect passes down. Dysfunction happens when just one parent neglects their child, when it's the opposite sex parent I see a pattern where this affects how the child relates to the opposite sex later in love life. She might subconsciously make a generalization about men based on her father, this leads her to take out frustrations regarding her father on other men in many different forms. I stopped my issue dead in it's tracks when I became aware, I will accept no such thing to be passed on, I will not further the pain I was given. That's how I became free of that "darkness".

 

You can "diagnose" her BPD or emotionally immature, but that's superficial and no more mature thing to do. Maturity is understanding, seeing why things are so. What she has done to cause you pain is no less a pain to her, in a greater perspective she's running around in the dark and ruining her own life. Being destructive. You can call it whatever, I just call it suffering. Just like happiness as an emotion spreads, so does suffering. People who does harm has been done harm towards, don't fall victim to it as it only furthers the suffering. Said clearly, don't let what she has done to you get to you.

 

I'm NOT saying this type of behavior should be accepted, it's after all destructive. However it will be easier on you if you can understand why people do bad things. Awareness of what makes us feel suffering is our greatest weapon to prevent suffering, this will apply to you just as much as to her. She's in counselling, what happens there is a process of becoming aware as knowing the full extent of a problem is the first step to solving it. Don't blame yourself for not being able to help, these types of issues is no simple thing to work through and it's understandable and ok you didn't manage to save her.

 

Trust is a great thing, but that alone wouldn't have fixed this if you don't know how to handle this type of problem and its complexities. A trained counselor do have the skill, hopefully she will trust him/her.

 

I have empathy for your ex. This differs from sympathy in that I don't feel like she feels, but I understand how she feels while I feel something else. You can have empathy, but I would advise against sympathy. I hope she learns and finds her way, but real counselling doesn't offer guarantees. She may get better and she may have no effect, in the end it depends on how willing she herself is to know the truth and solve her own problem. The counselor is only there to assist, but if she refuses there's nothing they or anyone else can do.

 

 

She has chosen to go to therapy, which to me suggests that she is eager to change. She also admitted her cheating on her ex to me, I believe as a means of disrupting the cycle and addressing the issue. She also admitted what had happened with this guy whilst we were together, on both occasions, which to me suggests at least a will to change, and perhaps some maturing.

 

Last time I saw her, at her request, she also apologised profusely for what had happened, and said that she understood why I suspected a personality disorder. She now has a boyfriend who she says she hasn't found the same level of trust with, but perhaps that will come in time, who knows.

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... said that she understood why I suspected a personality disorder.

 

 

I think you're correct to suspect it. The behavioral patterns plus bulimia are strong indicators. It's good that she's going to therapy. Whether she is actually diagnosable or not is not important to you... you only need to recognize that the patterns are not conducive to a healthy relationship and move on. If you're having trouble doing that, then you need to examine your own patterns.

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I think you're correct to suspect it. The behavioral patterns plus bulimia are strong indicators. It's good that she's going to therapy. Whether she is actually diagnosable or not is not important to you... you only need to recognize that the patterns are not conducive to a healthy relationship and move on. If you're having trouble doing that, then you need to examine your own patterns.

 

Thanks for your reply. I just can't help but take it as a reflection upon me, I suppose. She seemed SO into it at the time - my friends used to joke about her moving to university with me because we spent so much time together and she was so into it - but then she moved away and instantly seemed not to care.

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It would be too easy to blame immaturity or mental illness for her serial cheating in order to take away some of her accountability, but I think it comes down to her character and values.

 

 

 

The second you heard this you should have walked out the door. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She is completely untrustworthy and deceitful. People with morals like that only act remorseful when they get caught.

 

Support her if you must, but don't kid yourself that she is going to change because she won't.

 

 

I agree with this, some people are just jerks and should be accounted as such.

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Why are you concerned about this?

 

She is an ex and has a new partner.

 

It's not your problem.

 

That doesn't mean that I stopped caring about her. Nor does it remove my need for understanding - I'm not looking to 'heal' or some such, nor do I consider myself involved in her life anymore. I need to understand what happened though. I need to know that she genuinely cared.

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She has since started to see a counsellor and was told that she had an innate desire for attention for men to derive self-confidence (due to her issues with her father). I feel like I could have helped her with all this, since we seemed to have such a level of trust (in terms of our discussions of her issues) and bemoan what happened, and have done every day since.

 

I would love to know what you guys think.

 

Stop kidding yourself. Unless you have a degree in psychotherapy and years of practice, there is no way you could have helped her with this universe of dysfunction. If you could have, all of this would be resolved by now.

 

You need to let her go work out her demons. This isn't a "3 visits and I'm cured" kind of thing. She's going to need yearS of therapy to get a grip on herself.

 

You might want to consider the same to get at why you would stay with someone who debased you like that and even did it in front of you.

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She has chosen to go to therapy, which to me suggests that she is eager to change. She also admitted her cheating on her ex to me, I believe as a means of disrupting the cycle and addressing the issue. She also admitted what had happened with this guy whilst we were together, on both occasions, which to me suggests at least a will to change, and perhaps some maturing.

 

Last time I saw her, at her request, she also apologised profusely for what had happened, and said that she understood why I suspected a personality disorder. She now has a boyfriend who she says she hasn't found the same level of trust with, but perhaps that will come in time, who knows.

Yeah, all of that are good signs, she trusts you and all that. The main concern here would be if SHE can be trusted, if what she says and does now is going to stick over time.

 

I've also been the subject of extreme affection (which is unrealistic and ridicoulous), strong apologies and promises of improvement. What matters though is that it will last, that it isn't just some temporary phase.

 

In any case you couldn't have saved her, but her time with you may have inspired her to save herself. So good job :-)

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