Mariner Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 My girlfriend owns her own house and so do I. We have been together for 4 months. Things have been going well overall. About 2 months ago she asked me how I would feel if her friends male cousin, who she doesn't know, were to move in to help with expenses. She gets by just fine but wants the extra money. We had a good conversation about it and I told her that it would make me uncomfortable. A month ago the topic came back up. We had another good conversation and I told her my feelings had not changed. It seemed that she was seeking my approval. Last night she told me the guy is moving in within the week. I told her that I was glad that she made her own choice but that it hurt me because I had explained on two occasions how uncomfortable I was with it and in the end it was evidently irrelevant how I felt. I'm not mad, and we have had really good discussions about the whole thing, but it does upset me. I'm wondering how this will impact our relationship moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Stereotypical11 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 It will only affect your relationship if you let it, you need to trust her don't get jealous and insecure because that will be the thing that ends your relationship not the other guy. Maybe see this as a test if she really loves you she won't go near this guy if not you've lived, learned and experienced and you can find someone who isn't a cheat. I doubt this will be the case so forget the guy exists she chose you remember women don't just date anyone for the sake of it. Link to post Share on other sites
acapelo_dp Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I had to edit as I read it wrong. I don't think you are wrong for being uncomfortable and she knows how you feel. Why couldn't she get a female to move in? Did she need someone right away? Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Why are you uncomfortable? She explained you the reason is costs split. I've personally lived with numerous male and female roommates over the years and sexual advances has never been an issue when one is in a relationship. The issues were 1) paying on time, 2) being clean and quiet. I even haven't spoke at all to some of my housemates. If you want, just meet the guy, state that you're the BF of his landlady, and I'm sure he won't risk losing his housing. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I think you should be asking yourself why that guy, of all people, is the person she decided to take in as a roommate, despite the fact that you told her more than once how uncomfortable it would make you feel. Because he's a cousin of her friend so she knows she's verified (won't steal/destroy her property)? Getting a roommate is not an act of cheating, she just wants to reduce her cost of living, which is a sensible decision. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 There is nothing for you to be uncomfortable about. Plenty of people have opposite gender room mates. If he is not respectful of her she will get rid of him that's all. It's also better for her to have a refered person as room mate than a stranger, even if she is female. At 4 months dating l would not even asked you your opinion about it. It's too early for you to hutt in her business. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Ways to look at this... A) She wants someone she can trust living with her, which makes sense. B) Her friend's male cousin? Hmmm... this guy attractive? Two people of the opposite sex under the same roof, there's always a chance they end up in the same bed. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 You're joking right? People have restraints. On the same logic people of different genders shouldn't work together. Plus the guy will be respectful because she's the landlady - the roof over his head depends on her will, and if he's not - she can kick him out. Ways to look at this... A) She wants someone she can trust living with her, which makes sense. B) Her friend's male cousin? Hmmm... this guy attractive? Two people of the opposite sex under the same roof, there's always a chance they end up in the same bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Ways to look at this... A) She wants someone she can trust living with her, which makes sense. B) Her friend's male cousin? Hmmm... this guy attractive? Two people of the opposite sex under the same roof, there's always a chance they end up in the same bed. Unless he's gay ... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Ways to look at this... B) Her friend's male cousin? Hmmm... this guy attractive? Two people of the opposite sex under the same roof, there's always a chance they end up in the same bed. Rolling my eyes all the way to the back of my head ! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 She may not be attracted to him at all. And maybe he has a gf too. She probably could use the money and is someone who she knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moebius Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 If your girlfriend ends up cheating on you with him, that means she would have cheated even when not living with a guy. I mean, she doesn't need a guy in her house to cheat on you. Preventing her from doing this is not going to make her more faithful. I would even say it's better knowing sooner than later. Also, living together usually make people wish to be apart. Many couples end up after they start living in the same house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 OP--are you financially able to give her the amount of rent she's getting from this guy? I think you made a big mistake prejudging her with precious little information on which to make that judgment. You don't even know the guy, and truth be told you don't really know her well enough either--and automatically, she's a morally loose woman who will end up sleeping with him? That's probably why she went ahead and rented to him. It's rather insulting to think the guy you're just getting to know esteems you as a loose woman who'll end up in her tenant's bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mariner Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 When did I ever say I was concerned she would cheat on me with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Forget the cheating aspect for a moment. The fact that she asked you twice, then went ahead with it anyway despite your reservations, shows you how much she really values your opinion - as long as it agrees with her. I dunno, but if it were me, I would tell her that she is a big girl and can make her own decisions about such things. You are not her master, or daddy. She owes you nothing...not even respect. That being said, you can only be responsible for how YOU feel. And to you, the sneaky way she made her decision makes you feel unvalued, and minimized. Wish her all the luck in the world with her new roomy, and her next boyfriend, and say goodbye. Ultimately, you need to feel good and valued in a relationship, and this one isn't cutting it for you. Walk away without the obligatory argument, and with your head held high. Just remember if you do decide to stay with her, she will be making all the decisions that affect you from here on... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mariner Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 That's what bothers me. She asked twice and went ahead with it anyway telling me my opinion doesn't matter. She's very upset and told me that she's afraid I will leave her. My response was that she knew how I felt and chose to do what's best for her, which is a healthy decision I may add, but let the chips fall where they may. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I own my house, and when I am shopping for a roommate, I don't sort by gender or sexual orientation. It's hard enough finding someone responsible who pays their bills. Nearly all if them have been male. No preference at all... Those are the people answering the ads. Never have had a problem. Their presence doesn't affect my relationships anymore than having any kind of roommate. I do tell them that they need to be clothed when they leave their room. Period. I am not ashamed of my body and nakedness doesn't affect me in the slightest... But it is part of setting boundaries. I had one idiot who liked to cook breakfast in his boxers. I had to remind him of the rules, since I have people who come over for this or that and this is not what they should be seeing. What I suggest is a short term leaseto start, maybe 3 months, then go month to month after that. If they get fresh or there are problems, just give them the month notice and out they go. I have never had to do that though. Honestly never had a problem. Edited: no man I have ever dated ever raised objections. I work around all men and have my entire life. If someone wants to cheat on you, they will. No point worrying about it. It's her house, and unless you plan on paying the rent, then I don't think you get a veto. You are overreacting. Edited January 30, 2016 by RedRobin 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Makes you wonder why she bothered to have the two talks with you if she was going to do what she wants anyway. At 4 months, maybe she doesn't consider you an important part of her life going forward. If I was with a guy I want to keep for life, I'd compromise, because ltr is a series of compromises from both sides. She sees herself as single, not having a partner. That's kind of ok at 4 months, though, depending on how fast you two have been moving. Doesn't have to be a male roommate. Could be a cat. Let's say you're uncomfortable around cats. Or you're afraid of dogs. Same problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Would it have been better if she never said anything to you and you went over there and the guy was there? This might have been her plan long before she met you. She did you the courtesy of hearing you out twice and then informed you of her decision instead of letting you walk up on it unawares. You told her how you felt and unfortunately for you, she decided that the income was worth you being hurt over it. That there is something to think about. This relationship might be at its expiration date. 3 - 6 months is usually make or break time for new relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 When did I ever say I was concerned she would cheat on me with him? What other reason could there be for you being concerned about it a guy moving in? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Sorry but IMO you have no say in this. It's not your house, you are not living together, you are not engaged or married. I don't really see what the big deal is....just because they have parts that fit doesn't mean they can't be trusted to share a living space together. This is a business transaction, between a landlord and a tenant. If he does push his boundaries, obviously she is adult enough to deal with it and boot him out. I don't think she disrespected you, she is being a free thinking independent individual that wanted to improve her quality of life by making some extra cash. Now it doesn't mean you have to agree with it...you can breakup with her at anytime. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I'm wondering how this will impact our relationship moving forward. IMO, mainly logistics and privacy. A paid boarder/roomer has a right to use so they can't be shunted around as your/her schedule dictates. An example would be having to schedule nights in at her house around the roommates schedule if you are to have any expectation of privacy. Much would depend on voluntary cooperation and that is in no way guaranteed. Have you met the friend? Not the male cousin but the female friend? If so, impressions? If not, why not? Sounds like a perfect time for a dinner at her house so everyone gets acquainted. After all, you've known her four months longer than the guy renting a room from her. Priorities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Re the impact on the relationship: I've lived in mixed households before. There is no impact on the relationship other than having to close the door when you have sex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOne1 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I had this happen to me... safe to say my g/f cheated and with the guy that moved in with her. Apparently he was a "brotherly" figure until she was officially sleeping with the dude. I should have bailed on her as soon as she said she was going to do this even if I was uncomfortable with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hughes101 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You can't do anything about it now, she's made her decision. You have to wonder why she wants a male housemate though? Rather than a female one. I wouldn't want a gf living with one other guy and just those 2. Yeah she might be trustworthy but still you wouldn't leave your sheep alone with a wolf would you? It might be hard for you to recover from this one. She didn't respect your thoughts on this. . She could have easily got a female flatmate. Always be prepared to walk away from a situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
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