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Is he just not as invested?


Lorenza

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Hey everybody!

 

I've been with this guy for about 4 months and it started out as a big flare - lots of feelings, both-sided passion, frequent meetings etc. We told each other "i love you" quite early in the relationship too and there were lots of affection from his side both physically and verbally (which hasn't faded out totally, but is significantly less now, which I think is normal anyway after the relationship settles).

 

Now the thing is that this a very busy guy who had a rough start at life and is getting back at it by studying and learning to do things he is really passionate about (which is actually what got me interested in the first place), doing projects that make him happy and increases his skills which he couldn't do before because of really tough circumstances in his past. Even when he comes over to my place, he spends a lot of time at his laptop either doing homework or learning something important. He is really focused on his goals and I'm trying to be supportive of that, but sometimes it makes me feel like a secondary thing in his life. Being so focused on his things, he often forgets his promises, forgets to pay me back or buy something he promised to buy. He never calls and doesn't answer my calls, so I just stopped. Most of the time it takes hours for him to answer to texts, but I got an impression he is really one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, so maybe it's that.

During those 4 months he barely ever got me anything (though I justify that, as he says, he having a tough time economically cause he studies and doesn't work like before) and he never initialized a plan, though was happy those times I did. I took him out on a concert, bought small gifts, made expensive dinners and generally was more keen on having plans together, while he is just utterly busy most of the time and we're meeting when it fits his schedule, though most of the time it's just us being at my place while he still has stuff to do on his laptop and can't be there for me 100%.

 

I wonder if I'm just overreacting and should be patient? Or do you think he is not really invested in the relationship?

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If I understand well when you met him he had already started studying but he found the time to call and meet often?

 

Sounds to me he got quickly into taking you for granted. Even though you admire him for turning his life around he may not be the wonderful man you think he is. If he is too busy and preoccupied with his studies to date than you need to recognize this is not working for you.

 

How long is he back at school for?

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Most of the time it takes hours for him to answer to texts, but I got an impression he is really one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, so maybe it's that.

During those 4 months he barely ever got me anything (though I justify that, as he says, he having a tough time economically cause he studies and doesn't work like before) and he never initialized a plan, though was happy those times I did. I took him out on a concert, bought small gifts, made expensive dinners and generally was more keen on having plans together, while he is just utterly busy most of the time and we're meeting when it fits his schedule, though most of the time it's just us being at my place while he still has stuff to do on his laptop and can't be there for me 100%.

 

I wonder if I'm just overreacting and should be patient? Or do you think he is not really invested in the relationship?

 

Good day, Lorenza

 

I hope you are well. To answer your question. Yes, he isnt as invested in you then you are to him.

 

Have you discussed your relationship status with him? There isnt enough detail in your email. He could just see you just as a friend. I mean are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

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Sweetie, he doesn't sound invested at all.

 

Stop buying him gifts, stop cooking him dinner, stop planning everything, and step back and let him pursue you again. Let him put in the effort. If he doesn't, move on. At only 4 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon stage. It was too much too soon which almost always leads to the man pulling waaaay back and reevaluating everything. You need to now reevaluate why you're with someone who treats you rather poorly at this point.

 

Dating should be FUN. If you're not having fun this early on, date other people.

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Good day, Lorenza

 

I hope you are well. To answer your question. Yes, he isnt as invested in you then you are to him.

 

Have you discussed your relationship status with him? There isnt enough detail in your email. He could just see you just as a friend. I mean are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

Thank you for the answer! Yes, we are boyfriend and girlfriend and that was "announced" quite early into the relationship - I met his family after only 1,5 months of dating and was introduced as his girlfriend, besides other things as facebook status etc. We even started talking about moving in together.

The thing that bothers me is that he had several ****ty relationships with girls who didn't appreciate his effort - one of them was even abusive towards him and that makes me think that he has decided to not invest too much to not get burned again so it gives me hope thinking that he will change when he sees I'm not the kind of girl his exes were. To be honest he still questions me sometimes saying things like he's afraid I will turn out to be an ******* to break his heart.

Am I being naive thinking he will change?

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If I understand well when you met him he had already started studying but he found the time to call and meet often?

 

Sounds to me he got quickly into taking you for granted. Even though you admire him for turning his life around he may not be the wonderful man you think he is. If he is too busy and preoccupied with his studies to date than you need to recognize this is not working for you.

 

How long is he back at school for?

 

Thanks for the answer!

Yes, he was already studying when we met and he was rather busy back then already. We do meet quite often as my place is conveniently close to his school, but the problem for me is that he just comes over and spends quite a lot of time doing his own things and doesn't plan anything for us. When I tried to talk to him (he has it easy to get annoyed btw), he said he is doing all he can at the moment. I just don't know...

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Sweetie, he doesn't sound invested at all.

 

Stop buying him gifts, stop cooking him dinner, stop planning everything, and step back and let him pursue you again. Let him put in the effort. If he doesn't, move on. At only 4 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon stage. It was too much too soon which almost always leads to the man pulling waaaay back and reevaluating everything. You need to now reevaluate why you're with someone who treats you rather poorly at this point.

 

Dating should be FUN. If you're not having fun this early on, date other people.

 

Maybe it could also depend on the fact that he is broke and overwhelmed with studies? He did mention a couple of times that he used to buy expensive gifts to his girlfriends, take them out etc. But never with me. We went out only when I initiated something. I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together and what if that makes all the plans slow down? I really would like to have a home together.

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Maybe it could also depend on the fact that he is broke and overwhelmed with studies? He did mention a couple of times that he used to buy expensive gifts to his girlfriends, take them out etc. But never with me. We went out only when I initiated something. I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together and what if that makes all the plans slow down? I really would like to have a home together.

 

I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together -- You are afraid to withdraw because deep down you know and/or are afraid that he will not pursue you. You've been doing most, if not all, of the work in this relationship and you have not given yourself the opportunity to fully observe what if anything he can and wants to bring to the relationship. This is what women often do -- a man doesn't call or see her as often as he did early on and she senses he's drifting, so she will start trying to pull him in by doing all the initiating. Sure, the guy may accommodate her, but he wouldn't have done it himself. She says, well, he accepts, he must be still all in.

 

Sit back and observe. Resist the urge to reach out to him when insecurity sets in. Let him show you whether he is going to or able to be the type of man you want and need for a lasting relationship.

 

Move in together after only 4 months???? and when he hasn't made an effort to make you a priority at all????

 

I suspect that his guy will fade away on you. Sit back and let that happen if that is going to be the case. By fade, I mean, he may notice that you're not initiating with him and start calling you, maybe set up a date or two, then the calls will get fewer and farther between again until it just stops all together. If you follow this advice, it will be difficult for you. But, be strong and just observe.

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I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together -- You are afraid to withdraw because deep down you know and/or are afraid that he will not pursue you. You've been doing most, if not all, of the work in this relationship and you have not given yourself the opportunity to fully observe what if anything he can and wants to bring to the relationship. This is what women often do -- a man doesn't call or see her as often as he did early on and she senses he's drifting, so she will start trying to pull him in by doing all the initiating. Sure, the guy may accommodate her, but he wouldn't have done it himself. She says, well, he accepts, he must be still all in.

 

Sit back and observe. Resist the urge to reach out to him when insecurity sets in. Let him show you whether he is going to or able to be the type of man you want and need for a lasting relationship.

 

Move in together after only 4 months???? and when he hasn't made an effort to make you a priority at all????

 

I suspect that his guy will fade away on you. Sit back and let that happen if that is going to be the case. By fade, I mean, he may notice that you're not initiating with him and start calling you, maybe set up a date or two, then the calls will get fewer and farther between again until it just stops all together. If you follow this advice, it will be difficult for you. But, be strong and just observe.

 

We would move in after 2 more months, so it would be 6 months totally. Both need a place to live so we figured that it makes sense to move in together...Or maybe not...

 

The thing is he says that he does everything he can and that he is very happy to date a girl like me, but I need to realize that he has a huge load. He does say a lot of nice things about me and is affectionate when we meet etc.

 

Oooh, sitting back and observing is super difficult for me (I could try but boy will i suffer). I'm a lonely person with a job that doesn't provide opportunities to meet people and a city that is officialy one of the most difficult ones to makes friends in. So I think I might be a bit needy with him and we did have a couple of issues about it. I got myself together and stopped any kind of behaviour that could be seen as needy, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm like that cause he doesn't do enough input...

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I started my relationship in the other end. Slow start as we learn each other growing into love for each other. It escalated and keeps escalating after 6 months, but we made the foundation before flying high in emotions. The foundation supports the relationship. If feelings hits hard, fast and early on we often forget to think about the important factors we need in place for it to last.

 

I don't view relationships as a quick burst of strong affection and then letting it settle, I want to keep the love flowing.

 

But what can you do now? What has happened has happened. Now you two have to do what you should have done earlier, together figure out how it's going to be. Things may break along that way though, which is why I always do it as early as possible to not feel like I wasted my time.

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We would move in after 2 more months, so it would be 6 months totally. Both need a place to live so we figured that it makes sense to move in together...Or maybe not...

 

The thing is he says that he does everything he can and that he is very happy to date a girl like me, but I need to realize that he has a huge load. He does say a lot of nice things about me and is affectionate when we meet etc.

 

Oooh, sitting back and observing is super difficult for me (I could try but boy will i suffer). I'm a lonely person with a job that doesn't provide opportunities to meet people and a city that is officialy one of the most difficult ones to makes friends in. So I think I might be a bit needy with him and we did have a couple of issues about it. I got myself together and stopped any kind of behaviour that could be seen as needy, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm like that cause he doesn't do enough input...

 

You have been the polar opposite of being needy with him. You have observed that he isn't meeting your needs and allowing yourself to be "ok" with it while making excuses for him on top of it -- but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm like that cause he doesn't do enough input... EXACTLY. So you are picking up HIS slack. You are going to wear yourself out. If you want a real gauge of what he can and wants to bring to a relationship -- let him show you.

 

And, you don't nag him. You tell him clearly and succinctly what it is you need and want from a relationship and for yourself and your future. You do it once and observe. PERIOD.

 

In a relationship, a partner may at times become overwhelmed and busy, etc., but if they are invested in you, they will make room for you. When their plates are full, they don't push you off the plate. And, if they do, it doesn't last very long or happen often.

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I started my relationship in the other end. Slow start as we learn each other growing into love for each other. It escalated and keeps escalating after 6 months, but we made the foundation before flying high in emotions. The foundation supports the relationship. If feelings hits hard, fast and early on we often forget to think about the important factors we need in place for it to last.

 

I don't view relationships as a quick burst of strong affection and then letting it settle, I want to keep the love flowing.

 

But what can you do now? What has happened has happened. Now you two have to do what you should have done earlier, together figure out how it's going to be. Things may break along that way though, which is why I always do it as early as possible to not feel like I wasted my time.

 

Yes, I think your relationship has more solid base, but my guy is a latino and they are quick to burst into a flame. I was also a bit tired of indifferent, careful men, so I jumped right into that flame as well.

How do you suggest that talk should go? I think he is quite content with how it is and will get annoyed by me making a fuzz. I did try to mention that I'm not quite happy with how it is right now, but he just started getting defensive, that he's broke, has a huge work load at school and at own projects, goes out of his way to come and stay with me and that I'm just making demands and it's not ok. Don't know how to talk to him...

I do love him otherwise and there is a lot in him that I like and would not want to let go. Besides, I feel his previous experiences don't let him trust me fully and he's being very careful...

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I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together and what if that makes all the plans slow down? I really would like to have a home together.

 

Moving in together is a really bad idea. Hon, you don't move in with someone when you are afraid he'll run away with a little bit of pressure. Also, never move in with someone because it's convenient!! these arrangements never last! If you want this to work then you will keep dating till he is done with his study and he holds a real job and he can financially provide his share to your union.

 

Relationships are suppose to start slow and then build up to a stronger bond. When you start a relationship, like yours, and it starts in fire and then from there it goes downhill, it's not good news.

 

Again, how long are his studies?

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Yes, I think your relationship has more solid base, but my guy is a latino and they are quick to burst into a flame. I was also a bit tired of indifferent, careful men, so I jumped right into that flame as well.

How do you suggest that talk should go? I think he is quite content with how it is and will get annoyed by me making a fuzz. I did try to mention that I'm not quite happy with how it is right now, but he just started getting defensive, that he's broke, has a huge work load at school and at own projects, goes out of his way to come and stay with me and that I'm just making demands and it's not ok. Don't know how to talk to him...

I do love him otherwise and there is a lot in him that I like and would not want to let go. Besides, I feel his previous experiences don't let him trust me fully and he's being very careful...

 

I contradicted myself here, without even realizing :/

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Yes, I think your relationship has more solid base, but my guy is a latino and they are quick to burst into a flame. I was also a bit tired of indifferent, careful men, so I jumped right into that flame as well.

How do you suggest that talk should go? I think he is quite content with how it is and will get annoyed by me making a fuzz. I did try to mention that I'm not quite happy with how it is right now, but he just started getting defensive, that he's broke, has a huge work load at school and at own projects, goes out of his way to come and stay with me and that I'm just making demands and it's not ok. Don't know how to talk to him...

I do love him otherwise and there is a lot in him that I like and would not want to let go. Besides, I feel his previous experiences don't let him trust me fully and he's being very careful...

 

Don't know how to talk to him...

I do love him otherwise

they are quick to burst into a flame

he is quite content with how it is and will get annoyed by me making a fuzz -- how does one grow to love someone that they can't communicate with or are afraid of communicating with? If there is love, it's very superficial . . .

 

If you are simply explaining what it is you want for yourself and your future, what it is that you need from him in a direct, confident, non-confrontational manner and he views it as making a fuss, then he simply doesn't want to hear from you and likely won't want input from you on many, if anything in the future.

 

he is quite content with how it is -- and you aren't. So that means you should just keep your mouth shut until he gets tired of how it is and moves no to someone else instead of making an effort for you?

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Moving in together is a really bad idea. Hon, you don't move in with someone when you are afraid he'll run away with a little bit of pressure. Also, never move in with someone because it's convenient!! these arrangements never last! If you want this to work then you will keep dating till he is done with his study and he holds a real job and he can financially provide his share to your union.

 

Relationships are suppose to start slow and then build up to a stronger bond. When you start a relationship, like yours, and it starts in fire and then from there it goes downhill, it's not good news.

 

Again, how long are his studies?

 

I'm sorry, missed your question the first time - he is half way through his first year, but he mentioned that he might not finish it since he is already attractive in his job market and could find a job. So it's quite unclear how long it's gonna be.

 

You're right, moving in just for the convenience is wrong, but he did express it a few times that he really wants to move in with me. He even said he'd marry me if he had the money. And it was him expressing a worry that I will run away after I realize he's not my ideal man, so I don't really understand...

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We would move in after 2 more months, so it would be 6 months totally. Both need a place to live so we figured that it makes sense to move in together...Or maybe not...

 

The thing is he says that he does everything he can and that he is very happy to date a girl like me, but I need to realize that he has a huge load. He does say a lot of nice things about me and is affectionate when we meet etc.

 

Oooh, sitting back and observing is super difficult for me (I could try but boy will i suffer). I'm a lonely person with a job that doesn't provide opportunities to meet people and a city that is officialy one of the most difficult ones to makes friends in. So I think I might be a bit needy with him and we did have a couple of issues about it. I got myself together and stopped any kind of behaviour that could be seen as needy, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm like that cause he doesn't do enough input...

 

We would move in after 2 more months, so it would be 6 months -- that is still too soon and especially since the relationship is already unsatisfactory to you. It's not going to get much better in two months either, frankly. If you have a frank conversation with him, you're going to have to go into observation mode for a few more months than that in order for him to fully demonstrate his "investment" and for you to feel secure in that. You don't move in with someone until you are at least feeling secure in the partnership. You don't move in with someone who isn't meeting your needs hoping they will change.

 

IN addition, when you finally do move in with someone, you should be expecting them to "change". And, it's not that they've changed, they've just gone back to being the real them that you may not have had the opportunity to observe in the past because you've basically only been seeing their best sides for the most part. This guy is showing you some not so good sides in terms of how he deals with things already.

Edited by Redhead14
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Don't know how to talk to him...

I do love him otherwise

they are quick to burst into a flame

he is quite content with how it is and will get annoyed by me making a fuzz -- how does one grow to love someone that they can't communicate with or are afraid of communicating with? If there is love, it's very superficial . . .

 

If you are simply explaining what it is you want for yourself and your future, what it is that you need from him in a direct, confident, non-confrontational manner and he views it as making a fuss, then he simply doesn't want to hear from you and likely won't want input from you on many, if anything in the future.

 

he is quite content with how it is -- and you aren't. So that means you should just keep your mouth shut until he gets tired of how it is and moves no to someone else instead of making an effort for you?

 

Maybe I just can't express myself in a non-naggy way... My previous partners would get quite annoy at me expressing my expectations as well, even though I tried my best to not sound confrontational. Might be that I just don't have the skills to talk.

 

I realize that you're right. Can't keep my mouth shut just to keep him content...

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I contradicted myself here, without even realizing :/

Yeah, he's being careful in a different way than me. He doesn't want a broken heart and is careful because of that. I was careful to get it right the first time to avoid the problem you're now having.

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I'm sorry, missed your question the first time - he is half way through his first year, but he mentioned that he might not finish it since he is already attractive in his job market and could find a job. So it's quite unclear how long it's gonna be.

 

You're right, moving in just for the convenience is wrong, but he did express it a few times that he really wants to move in with me. He even said he'd marry me if he had the money. And it was him expressing a worry that I will run away after I realize he's not my ideal man, so I don't really understand...

 

Red Flag #1: Him quitting his school before acquiring a diploma just cause someone offers him a job is bad, very bad, judgement. If he wants a future in the work place he needs a paper. A company may higher him but he won't be there for life. Jobs for life don't exist anymore. Then in a couple of years he'll be back on unemployment again with no diploma! That tells me he doesn't finish what he starts and he's unable to think long term and plan.

 

Red Flag #2: Of course he wants to move in with you!! he's broke !!! him wanting to move in with you had nothing to do with him loving you! It's just a way for him to have it easy! Then he said he'd marry you if he had the money?? Guess what! If he really wanted to marry you he would get a license, get a priest, and marry you in the middle of your livingroom! He's throwing sand in your eyes, he's just telling you what you want to hear so you let him move in!

 

Think about it! He's broke, he moves in with you and he drops school. He gets some job that last 6 months and he's back to being unemployed living under your roof. Where does it say <bright future together> here?

Edited by Gaeta
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Red Flag #1: Him quitting his school before acquiring a diploma just cause someone offers him a job is bad, very bad, judgement. If he wants a future in the work place he needs a paper. A company may higher him but he won't be there for life. Jobs for life don't exist anymore. Then in a couple of years he'll be back on unemployment again with no diploma! That tells me he doesn't finish what he starts and he's unable to think long term and plan.

 

Red Flag #2: Of course he wants to move in with you!! he's broke !!! him wanting to move in with you had nothing to do with him loving you! It's just a way for him to have it easy! Then he said he'd marry you if he had the money?? Guess what! If he really wanted to marry you he would get a license, get a priest, and marry you in the middle of your livingroom! He's throwing sand in your eyes, he's just telling you what you want to hear so you let him move in!

 

Think about it! He's broke, he moves in with you and he drops school. He gets some job that last 6 months and he's back to being unemployed living under your rood. Where does it say <bright future together> here?

 

Not in my country though. It's very common to get a job before finishing the studies since most of the employers only care about your skills rather than the having the diploma. I know people who work for major companies without having their studies completed, so it's more of a formality really. So that is not really a red flag at all, since he has years of experience and skills beyond anyone in his class.

Other things you've mentioned - yeah, might be... I remembered that he agreed on me paying the higher part of the rent until he gets on his feet. That was quite weird for me.

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Red Flag #1: Him quitting his school before acquiring a diploma just cause someone offers him a job is bad, very bad, judgement. If he wants a future in the work place he needs a paper. A company may higher him but he won't be there for life. Jobs for life don't exist anymore. Then in a couple of years he'll be back on unemployment again with no diploma! That tells me he doesn't finish what he starts and he's unable to think long term and plan.

 

Red Flag #2: Of course he wants to move in with you!! he's broke !!! him wanting to move in with you had nothing to do with him loving you! It's just a way for him to have it easy! Then he said he'd marry you if he had the money?? Guess what! If he really wanted to marry you he would get a license, get a priest, and marry you in the middle of your livingroom! He's throwing sand in your eyes, he's just telling you what you want to hear so you let him move in!

 

Think about it! He's broke, he moves in with you and he drops school. He gets some job that last 6 months and he's back to being unemployed living under your roof. Where does it say <bright future together> here?

 

RED FLAG #1 - the most important one - She is afraid to talk to him . . .

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Maybe it could also depend on the fact that he is broke and overwhelmed with studies?

 

He did mention a couple of times that he used to buy expensive gifts to his girlfriends, take them out etc. But never with me.

 

We went out only when I initiated something. I'm afraid to withdraw and make him pursue me cause we kinda plan to move in together and what if that makes all the plans slow down? I really would like to have a home together.

 

So in his previous relationships, which he told you were shytty, with girls who never appreciated him, he DID buy them gifts, took them out, gave them lots of attention.

 

But with you, a woman who dotes on him, cooks dinner, buys him gifts, treats him well ...he does NOT buy gifts, initiate dates, OR give you any attention. At least not anymore.

 

Sweetie, what does this tell you?

 

No he is not invested or interested. In fact, IMO he is taking total of advantage of you.

 

It appears he was more interested in those women who insisted HE make the effort. Which he did! They did NOT appreciate it, but he still made the effort regardless.

 

Stop doing everything! It won't make him like you more, it won't increase his attraction, it won't make him appreciate you more or make him more interested.... in fact just the opposite.

 

It has caused him to feel *meh* about you. Clearly!

 

So either pull back and let him pursue you again or end it.

 

Don't be afraid to do this cuz you are afraid you will lose him.

 

You are already losing him .... NOW.

 

Sorry. :(

Edited by katiegrl
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So in his previous relationships, which he told you were shytty, with girls who never appreciated him, he DID buy them gifts, took them out, gave them lots of attention.

 

But with you, a woman who dotes on him, cooks dinner, buys him gifts, treats him well ...he does NOT buy gifts, initiate dates, OR give you any attention. At least not anymore.

 

Sweetie, what does this tell you?

 

No he is not invested or interested. In fact, IMO he is taking total of advantage of you.

 

It appears he was more interested in those women who insisted HE make the effort. Which he did! They did NOT appreciate it, but he still made the effort regardless.

 

Stop doing everything! It won't make him like you more, it won't increase his attraction, it won't make him appreciate you more or make him more interested.... in fact just the opposite.

 

It has caused him to feel *meh* about you. Clearly!

 

So either pull back and let him pursue you again or end it.

 

Don't be afraid to do this cuz you are afraid you will lose him.

 

You are already losing him .... NOW.

 

Sorry. :(

 

Thanks for your answer! But you know what - no, I am pretty sure I'm not losing him. He's definitely been lazy and too focused on himself, but I've heard way too much of his talks about how he dislikes girls of the nationality of the country we live in, how their mentalities clash, how he's tired of dating girls who are too manipulative and cold and how he generally feels super lucky to have met me. I'm pretty sure he won't let me go that easily, besides he claims to have difficulties breaking up, he had them even with girls who treated him like ****. I'm the first girl his big family liked (and their approval means a lot to him) and he claims that I'm the first girl he feels so loved by.

But.

I do after all agree with the rest of the posts, that I should back off with giving and just wait for him to pursue me more and that moving in is too early if it's uncertain from my side. Might be we got off on a wrong foot - too early too much, like some poster said, would have been better to take it slow.

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