He doesn't put much effort into conversation between dates

[Eternal Sunshine]

I recently had 2 dates with an OLD guy. We chatted online for a few weeks before that. On the second date he tells me this: "I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". He also asked me about my schedule and since he works weird shifts and picked days that would work the best in seeing each other.

 

The problem is that between the dates, he texts barely couple of words and often just replies with "yes" or "no" if asked something without expanding or sending anything else. Just comes across as not being excited about me and general "meh" vibe.

 

I am not sure if I am over-analyzing.

[Popsicle]

When is the next date?

[Eternal Sunshine]

6 days from now due to mis-matching schedules

[soph-walker]

I would say it's important to keep open communication between dates, but maybe he's not a 'texter' and doesn't see importance in it.

 

I'd say that if you were to see each other more often and develop a relationship, I would mention that text contact is important to you.

 

Otherwise, it's only been 2 dates.

[Popsicle]

Hmm, maybe the mismatched schedules will be a bigger problem than you both are anticipating...

[RedRobin]

I dunno. If he was into hookups before, then he doesn't know how to establish a relationship.

 

And lots of guys will claim they are looking for a relationship... Not because they actually are, but because they want a woman who is.

 

Solution? Don't text him. If he wants to talk to you, then he should call and he only gets to see you if its for a date. If he isn't scheduling dates in advance and regularly, then next.

[Redhead14]

I recently had 2 dates with an OLD guy. We chatted online for a few weeks before that. On the second date he tells me this: "I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". He also asked me about my schedule and since he works weird shifts and picked days that would work the best in seeing each other.

 

The problem is that between the dates, he texts barely couple of words and often just replies with "yes" or "no" if asked something without expanding or sending anything else. Just comes across as not being excited about me and general "meh" vibe.

 

I am not sure if I am over-analyzing.

 

First of all, when are you texting him? If it is in the times when he is working, perhaps he doesn't really have time to get into longer conversations via text then. Secondly, I wouldn't be doing much initiating of texting/phone calls at this point anyway. I'd be letting him do most if not all of the initiating. Right now, you should just be receptive and responsive to him. Does he call you at all? That would be more important to me. But, really at this point, you've had two dates, sit back and let him call you for another date. Then have a general conversation about texting likes/dislikes. Don't put him on the spot, just a statement about what you like. 'I like _________. How about you?" You may find that he just doesn't like texting very much or like I said, he's working or busy and can't do much of that.

 

I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". -- And, how did you respond to this statement?

[RedRobin]

.... Was going to say... I know you aren't me. You have different things you are looking for... Butttt....

 

I wouldn't date this guy. I wouldn't date a guy with a recent history of hooking up. Relationship minded men have relationships. They show with their actions that they are commitment minded. This guy has done none of that... And isn't acting like a guy who is either.

 

It's easy to just say the things he said... It is still early, but me? I dunno... I wouldn't go there with this guy. He'd have to work really hard to prove that's not all he was about, and that's not fair to anyone. So nah. I am with you. Not feeling it. Just my .02.

[Eternal Sunshine]

First of all, when are you texting him? If it is in the times when he is working, perhaps he doesn't really have time to get into longer conversations via text then. Secondly, I wouldn't be doing much initiating of texting/phone calls at this point anyway. I'd be letting him do most if not all of the initiating. Right now, you should just be receptive and responsive to him. Does he call you at all? That would be more important to me. But, really at this point, you've had two dates, sit back and let him call you for another date. Then have a general conversation about texting likes/dislikes. Don't put him on the spot, just a statement about what you like. 'I like _________. How about you?" You may find that he just doesn't like texting very much or like I said, he's working or busy and can't do much of that.

 

I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". -- And, how did you respond to this statement?

 

I responded that I am looking for the same thing and I am glad he said it.

 

As for texting, he initiates 90% of the time, the problem is that after initiating he takes hours to reply to my text-reply (even when I ask a question) and when he does it's one of two words.

[carhill]

So, was he a wordsmith when you were chatting online for a few weeks before the first date?

[Eternal Sunshine]

So, was he a wordsmith when you were chatting online for a few weeks before the first date?

 

Hmm not really even though he was asking me more questions. But all his texts were always very brief...

[smudge21]

So 90% of the time he's initiating, and yet you say it's he who is quiet between dates? I'm confused. If you can see that it's him that's making the effort then so can he. Put it simply, he hears nothing from you, so always has to make the first effort. You reply which tells him that yes you are around, you aren't busy, you just haven't bothered making first contact, which in turn makes him feel a bit put out and then loses interest in responding. obviously that's just my take on it, but that's how I read this here. Try initiating and if his responses don't change then at least you can say you tried.

[carhill]

Hmm not really even though he was asking me more questions. But all his texts were always very brief...

So, would you say he's been consistent from the beginning in his style of text interaction, allowing for the reality that you're now having personal interaction?

 

Perhaps he's a man of few words. Does the style translate at all into the personal realm, meaning in person?

 

Do you feel this is feeding into your mixer of determining high interest from him from the beginning as being a prerequisite for relations? Does his lack of text volume and speedy replies between dates cause you to infer less than high interest? Why or why not?

[BluEyeL]

Texting does not matter. I would ignore that. My concern would also be, like RedRobin, relationship history.

 

In my experience, and by using my methods I hit the jackpot, so they work, what you need to look for in early dating is:

- is he asking you out every week, at least once a week?

- What is his relationship history?

- Is he kind to you and others?

- Does he go out of his way to meet you/make you happy/court you?

- How does he talk about his exes?

- How does he talk about marriage/commitment?

-After some time, is he stepping up to meeting you more than once a week?

-Does he become exclusive with you within 4-6 weeks?

- Does he schedule his weekends to include you?

-Later, does he introduce you to his friends?

-Is he stable, both emotionally and career-wise?

-Does he make you his girlfriend within 3 months?

 

These are things that matter. Texting, no. There are guys who will blow up your phone with no intention to have a relationship with you, just to keep you on the hook and f*** you at their convenience. Texting is no indication of anything and the less you text actually the better.

[GorillaTheater]

How old is the guy? I have this impression that younger guys are more given to text than older men, although I can't back it up. I do know that I hate texting as a form of communication; there's a reason why we have umpteen threads here asking about what this or that text really means. I wouldn't be much of a texter regardless of how interested I was in a woman.

[BluEyeL]

Again, my personal experience, I've made the mistake of dating a guy who slept around and told me that "he wants to settle down". his relationships weren't longer than 3 months. Guess what, he dumped me after 3 months.

 

Then I met a guy who wasn't very good with texting. He wasn't contacting me between dates. Once he replied to a text I sent on Friday at 5pm, on Monday at 10am. We've been together for more than 1.5 years now and we are discussing engagement and marriage. I hit the jackpot, I've never been happier in my life. Now he's texting, and he's facetiming and all that, but in the beginning....no. If I let him go because of that, wouldn't have that been a shame?

 

Now, on the other hand, the other characteristics that matter were there and you should look for those only. A man-whore isn't going to settle down with you because you're special. He's going to just feed you lines. Good luck.

[Ariadne]

"I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page".

 

This is so ridiculous.

 

My take: This guy wants nothing to do with you, not sure why he is OLD. He writes to you to pretend, and when you respond he cuts you off.

 

Seems like the pickings are getting worse..

 

I think you should marry your roomate, seems like the best choice so far if he is interested even though he is younger. At least you seem to like him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He is 33, so a bit younger than me.

 

I think it doesn't hurt giving it a chance. Just as I was writing this thread, I got a text from him that was actually couple of sentences long!

 

At least he is making plans to take me out to dinner at a very nice place a week in advance.

[soph-walker]

This is so ridiculous.

 

My take: This guy wants nothing to do with you, not sure why he is OLD. He writes to you to pretend, and when you respond he cuts you off.

 

Seems like the pickings are getting worse..

 

I think you should marry your roomate, seems like the best choice so far if he is interested even though he is younger. At least you seem to like him.

 

So do you think this guy said that for the hell of it? Why would you not take what he said at face value?

 

If someone said that to me, I'd think they were pretty honest.

 

I think texting is overrated and shouldn't be looked into too much. It's not a substitute for real face to face communication.

 

I still wouldn't know whether or not this guy is interested however from the way he's acted with you.

 

It seems we have to wade through a lot of crap and apathy to get any sniff of a relationship..

[sin miedo]

A lot of men, myself included, text/talk to get our point across and nothing else. If we could somehow grunt as a means of communication, I'd be all for it - the less energy output the better.

 

That said, when it comes to my SO, I make a concerted effort to actually make conversation over text because I know she likes it.

[Gaeta]

"I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page".

 

In my experience men saying these types of things on first dates are full of it. In my case it was just a thing they said to throw sand in my eyes and play me easily.

[BluEyeL]

In my experience men saying these types of things on first dates are full of it. In my case it was just a thing they said to throw sand in my eyes and play me easily.

Got those lines too and agree.

[MissBee]

I recently had 2 dates with an OLD guy. We chatted online for a few weeks before that. On the second date he tells me this: "I am going to be completely honest. I am done with messing around, hook-ups and all of that. I want to settle down and am looking for a relationship. I need to know if you are on the same page". He also asked me about my schedule and since he works weird shifts and picked days that would work the best in seeing each other.

 

The problem is that between the dates, he texts barely couple of words and often just replies with "yes" or "no" if asked something without expanding or sending anything else. Just comes across as not being excited about me and general "meh" vibe.

 

I am not sure if I am over-analyzing.

 

How are the dates? How is he?

 

In any case, it's not about over-analyzing, it's a matter of, does his style work for you or not? That's what all dating comes down to. Sure, we can give chances or see about some things, but some things might not work for us. For me, communication being easy and comfortable is a priority in dating. I don't like to date men who make me feel anxious, confused, who are boring conversationalists etc. That's simply something that causes me to lose interest quickly. Early on he need not text everyday necessarily, but the men I've really liked or who I became serious with, we bantered back and forth between dates, they'd text and ask how my day was, or share things with me, or would call just to chat for a minute, or say they were excited to see me again....that's my personal speed and style that I like. Therefore your guy would probably not work for me.

 

So it's up to you to decide how big a deal it is, if he's otherwise worth it or if you just don't like his style. You don't have to. Nothing is wrong with you or him. But you're also right, he may not be that interested. He's either just not very lively and his style of communicating is rather dry or he's not that into you. But it's how YOU feel....for me, if I feel good, comfortable, like you're into me, it's a yes. If I am already confused, anxious, feel you have one word answers, it's like everything starts drying up for me, unless you truly make up for it in other ways.

Edited January 26, 2016 by MissBee

[Rejected Rosebud]

You really haven't said anything about how you guys got along in person, the conversation, chemistry and all that. It's pretty important!

[Miss Peach]

My current BF isn't much of a communicator between dates but he always asked me out ahead of time, was consistent, courted me, etc. The lack of communication made me take longer to take him seriously against my other prospects but the rest of the message was he was into me so I accepted it in the end.

 

If your guy's behavior doesn't show he's all in, I don't care what his words are and what he's looking for. I would run. How long have you been dating? I would give it max 3 months for things to stabilize. If he's not acting like a BF (regardless of his words about wanting a relationship) then he needs to go.