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Lacking confidence a sign to work on self first before dating?


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Old 22nd January 2016, 10:52 AM   #1
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Lacking confidence a sign to work on self first before dating?

So, met a girl the other night and for the first time in a while had a strong attraction and was really intrigued by her. Instead of asking for her number like I would usually do I chickened out. I had this feeling like maybe she wasn't into me although she seemed nice/friendly and I felt like I would be "imposing" on her by asking her out. I felt like I didn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to reject me.

In retrospect, I should have asked her out/gotten her number because actually asking a girl out on a date (and having her accept and show up) is probably the only way to know if a girl would be interested. I guess it was also partly the fear of rejection. I feel like maybe I need to work on myself to get back to the point where I am a good "catch" again. I have gotten so busy with work that my life balance is a bit off including working out, etc.

Anyway, more of a "putting my thoughts" out there than anything else but curious to hear about other peoples experiences where you missed out on asking out someone only to find out they would have gone out with you or wish a guy asked you out and when he didn't you thought he wasn't interested (but, he was).
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Old 22nd January 2016, 11:08 AM   #2
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So, met a girl the other night and for the first time in a while had a strong attraction and was really intrigued by her. Instead of asking for her number like I would usually do I chickened out. I had this feeling like maybe she wasn't into me although she seemed nice/friendly and I felt like I would be "imposing" on her by asking her out. I felt like I didn't want to put her in an awkward position of having to reject me.
I think it has nothing to do with confidence and all to do with instinct.

Sure you felt a strong attraction and were intrigued by her but I think you did not get a vibe from her that it was ok to approach her. Women (and men) send those vibes all the time with our body language and eye contact. Your brain read this and your intuition kicks in. If her body had been turned toward you, if her back was straight and her chest pushing outward, if her hands were on her hips, all of these body languages indicates she is opened to be approached. If none of that body language was present then your instinct to not approach her was right.
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Old 22nd January 2016, 11:11 AM   #3
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I personally don't think confidence is built in a vacuum. It comes from trying a few times, seeing that either women do accept your invitation, or they don't, and it's not a big deal. Do that enough, and you'll feel more confident.
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Old 22nd January 2016, 11:14 AM   #4
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If her body had been turned toward you, if her back was straight and her chest pushing outward, if her hands were on her hips, all of these body languages indicates she is opened to be approached.
Well, I need to learn to read body language better then You make a good point as I have had that happen in other situations where the girl wasn't giving me the "vibe" so I didn't want to take the risk.

So, she was a friend of a friend and I was talking to her in a group setting. I guess in my head I am thinking that a girl who is friendly/nice might always have guys assuming that she is "interested" in them and that I didn't want to be one of those guys.
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Old 22nd January 2016, 2:57 PM   #5
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I think you felt she was out of your league, by your comments. It's fine to try to date "up," but to do that, yes, you need to at least be able to fake confidence and then try not to get starry eyed before you've taken her out a few times to see if she even truly lives up to your expectations. The problem I've seen with people dating people who they think look good on paper or are a step up for them is they get a bit blinded. A good friend of mine jumped on one of these, someone he felt was "upper class," which really wasn't true (she had a French last name) and had been to culinary school. She ended up cheating on him with a friend, marrying the friend, having a kid and then committing check kiting and credit card fraud on her own husband, son and others and ended up in prison. So don't let yourself make any assumptions that someone is maybe loftier than you. Keep your composure and stay restrained until you have gone out long enough to get to know who they really are. Good luck.
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Old 22nd January 2016, 4:06 PM   #6
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It's good that you see insecurity as a sign to improve yourself. I agree 100%.
No, I never had the experience you mentioned. How would you find out if a guy is interested if he doesn't say it? With the standard of guys asking girls out, I never considered the fact that guys might be interested if they didnt ask me out. And I never heard it from others, so I don't think so.
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Old 22nd January 2016, 5:31 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I think it has nothing to do with confidence and all to do with instinct.

Sure you felt a strong attraction and were intrigued by her but I think you did not get a vibe from her that it was ok to approach her. Women (and men) send those vibes all the time with our body language and eye contact. Your brain read this and your intuition kicks in. If her body had been turned toward you, if her back was straight and her chest pushing outward, if her hands were on her hips, all of these body languages indicates she is opened to be approached. If none of that body language was present then your instinct to not approach her was right.

What if you never or rarely get the, okay to approach signal? Try anyways? Find someone else?
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