friend admits spark, "isnt ready for a relationship with anyone". Genuine? Rejection?

[Coach-Marv]

Thanks for reading

3-4 months ago I met this girl, & since then we've become really close friends. Your common, "chat all day every day", "hang out together tons" story. I found her attractive & funny as hell but we never gave "us" much thought as I wasn't emotionally ready or thinking about it before we met, but we've become close & I've developed real feelings for her. We are both stubborn, introverted, tough nuts to crack when it comes to being open about our feelings in general (lol), but with each other stuff just rolls nicely & we can be open and free with one another. I essentially told her that I love what we have, I would never want to jeopardise that, but can't deny that I have developed real feelings for her, that there was no pressure on her at that stage but that I thought she needed & deserved to know. She said she'd felt a spark there, but needed time to process it. Saying that if "things progress they progress", but we should "take things slow while she figures things out".

 

We continued as normal, talking every day, hanging out as often, initiated by both of us equally, no awkwardness. Then after speaking with a friend I decided after a couple of weeks I should look to raise the topic, to gauge where she ways. She said she liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship right now with anyone because of things she's dealing with; work, her living arrangements etc. I said I understood. I said that I understood it was tough for her because we are so close, that I felt that she was in a place where she wasn't even considering a relationship with anyone, & then I came along & she had to think twice, & now is apprehensive due to what she's said & due to our friendship, she agreed.

 

She's had few real relationships, but her last one ended horribly, so it'd be natural for her to be cautious anyway. Thoughts? Is she scared of hurting me but letting me down easy? Interested & testing me to see if I'm willing to wait.. to prove how much I care for her?

Thanks

[Coach-Marv]

I should probably add that this was around NYE and we shared a customary NYE kiss

 

And again, thanks to anyone with any ideas or input

[road]

Tell her that you can not be her friend any more for you want to be her boyfriend. Follow with that you are not mad at her but you can no longer handle the pain of hanging in friend zone land.

 

 

You have already given her 4 months of your life.

[Coach-Marv]

Tell her that you can not be her friend any more for you want to be her boyfriend. Follow with that you are not mad at her but you can no longer handle the pain of hanging in friend zone land.

 

 

You have already given her 4 months of your life.

 

So does this mean that you see it as a test (poor word really).. i.e she's looking to see if I'll step up and put the effort in? A friend of mine who knows us both is adamant it's this.

 

Or do you see it more as a soft rejection?

[PegNosePete]

You need to stop over-analyzing it. It is what it is. You can't climb inside her head to figure out what she's thinking. You can only tell her how you feel and tell her that the friend-zone is no good for you.

 

Simply say as road said above, and see what her response is, take it from there.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry but when the right person comes along, she'll be ready for a relationship. That person just isn't you.

 

You tried your best. I thought your approach was perfect. The only mistake was waiting around for four months.

 

When you approach someone about dating, and she needs to be cautious, isn't ready, etc., just move on. Don't see it as a test to prove your devotion. It isn't. The person responding this way doesn't share your feelings, but she values you as a platonic friend. Generally, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, have you feel bad, awkward, etc. But recognize it for what it really is, i.e. not interested in you as a romantic option.

[Coach-Marv]

Sorry but when the right person comes along, she'll be ready for a relationship. That person just isn't you.

 

You tried your best. I thought your approach was perfect. The only mistake was waiting around for four months.

 

When you approach someone about dating, and she needs to be cautious, isn't ready, etc., just move on. Don't see it as a test to prove your devotion. It isn't. The person responding this way doesn't share your feelings, but she values you as a platonic friend. Generally, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, have you feel bad, awkward, etc. But recognize it for what it really is, i.e. not interested in you as a romantic option.

 

theres a good chance this is correct. Because we are so close I tried to approach her in a way that put no pressure on her and so she didn't feel crowded or pushed, since theres obviously a lot riding on it.

 

 

I guess I just think/thought there was a chance that since I broke the subject and she didn't back off at all and we are still so close, and given how badly her last relationship ended, that she wasn't pushing me away and that theres a genuine chance she just isn't ready?

[Erik30]

When someone gives you that line they either don't think you're relationship matterial (but are willing to just casually date you in some cases), or they're letting you down easy.

 

Don't think you can just take it slow and see what happens, some other guy will show up and guess what, she's suddenly ready.

[smudge21]

Sounds like we met the same person - very close, bad past relationships, not looking for anything right now, lots of contact etc etc. I too thought that if I stayed in contact, met up occasionally, then when she finally decided to start dating, it would be me. However, despite how well we got on over NYE, she's gone quiet on me and I've decided to do the same. It's hurt to go from so much contact (usually initiated from her) to nothing, and my mind goes to another guy on the scene. But the important thing is that we weren't an item, she made it quite clear from the get go. All these feelings I have are down to me and me alone. You clearly want this girl in your life but could you handle her turning round and telling you, her friend, that she's fallen in love with someone else? It is hard to walk away from something that in your heart you know feels so good, so perfect, but it's a lot less painful now then it will be the longer you hang around.

[Coach-Marv]

Sounds like we met the same person - very close, bad past relationships, not looking for anything right now, lots of contact etc etc. I too thought that if I stayed in contact, met up occasionally, then when she finally decided to start dating, it would be me. However, despite how well we got on over NYE, she's gone quiet on me and I've decided to do the same. It's hurt to go from so much contact (usually initiated from her) to nothing, and my mind goes to another guy on the scene. But the important thing is that we weren't an item, she made it quite clear from the get go. All these feelings I have are down to me and me alone. You clearly want this girl in your life but could you handle her turning round and telling you, her friend, that she's fallen in love with someone else? It is hard to walk away from something that in your heart you know feels so good, so perfect, but it's a lot less painful now then it will be the longer you hang around.

 

Wow that's uncanny. Sorry to hear that as well.

 

See that's the thing, she's still initiating, still wanting to meet and chat. And we talk as much now as we did before I told her how I felt. It's constant and 100% mutual. I think that's why I'm confused and/or overthinking everything.

Her brother mentioned to me in the recent past that she is into me, so I don't really know how to think. Surely if there was nothing there she would have been taken aback and would have stopped being so connected still?..

 

Sigh, love is hard work lol

[smudge21]

Do you love her, or is it more that you want her so much and know that you can't have her, which in turn makes you want her more? Take some time to think about that one. Also, I bet you overthink everything and even picture you two having the perfect life, so are you in love with her, or the fantasy of her that you've created for yourself?

 

 

Well I can tell you that for the past 3 months we would chat and text all day every day, often with her initiating. If I went quiet for a few hours, she would get in touch to make sure I was okay. She'd even get in touch whilst out with her friends. Over Xmas she spent most of it contacting me and then come new year I went to see her (she lives other end of the country) and we had a perfect NYE and she made the effort to see me each day afterwards until I went back home. But now, all that has changed and the contact has gone to virtually nothing. I went quiet for 4 days and she has texted to say hi, but it's only breadcrumbs, just to see if I'm still around. To go from all that contact and the obvious attention to this is really hard to take and it's taking every bit of willpower not to contact her... From her past I'm part thinking that she just wants to back off and not get involved (maybe she realised she was) or it is another guy on the scene, or maybe she's playing a game to see if I'll come running to her - either way, none of them are good for me and are reasons to back away. I know I'll still respond to her if she gets in touch (yep, too weak at the moment), but I'm not doing the whole chase thing anymore. I guess after many months I feel that I need to see something more from her now, something that says she does want or see me as something more than just a friend, sadly it's all gone so quiet I think I have my answer.

 

 

How does this help you, well I see that you two are still in touch as ever like we were and I know how nice it is to have the one you love making that effort, but it is only small effort. Can you honestly say she's doing anything that would suggest she sees you or wants you as anything other than a friend? You know how you are with her, is she the same with you? There's something someone on here told me and it rings true in that by always being there for someone, doing everything, taking the lead, initiating all the connections, then you never give them the chance to do anything and in turn, feel anything. You're just always there. It's not healthy to be so addicted to someone who doesn't feel the same way - sometimes you have to let go... unless you truly are happy to be just her friend, and nothing more.

[smackie9]

Totally friend zoned.

[carhill]

Yep, and by an experienced hoover. OP, date other women and interact with this one with the acceptance that she isn't currently girlfriend/lover/partner material. If the behaviors are ingrained, she'll probably never be. That doesn't mean you have to abandon her or be mean to her rather simply accept the real. She likes that you like her, not to be confused with liking you.

[Maggie4]

There is only one thing that matters here: physical attraction.

All that stuff about common interests, not ready for relationships, hurt before, none of that matters.

[angel.eyes]

See that's the thing, she's still initiating, still wanting to meet and chat. And we talk as much now as we did before I told her how I felt.

Isn't that what most people do with their friends? You contact them. You meet up and hang out together. You talk with them about things that matter to either of you. Weren't you doing this before you developed a crush on her? You are friends in her mind...just not a romantic option for her. If being nothing more than platonic friends doesn't work for you, it's up to you to distance yourself. She has no problem remaining platonic friends.

 

It's constant and 100% mutual.

To be blunt, if it were mutual, you would be dating. Instead you've gotten four months of excuses about all the reasons why she can't date you.

 

I think that's why I'm confused and/or overthinking everything.

You choose to be confused because you don't want to accept that she doesn't see you as a potential romantic option. No doubt you're a wonderful guy, but our interest in someone isn't always reciprocated. Accept when it isn't and move on to more promising prospects. The alternative is to sit in the friend zone indefinitely, then feel butt hurt and bitter when she meets someone she actually wants to date and goes for it.

Her brother mentioned to me in the recent past that she is into me, so I don't really know how to think.

From her actions and statements, she's into you as a friend. Decide how long you're going to hang around hoping she might change her mind about you as a dating prospect.

 

if there was nothing there she would have been taken aback and would have stopped being so connected still?..

People develop crushes all the time. No surprises there. Also most women are pretty intuitive. You can tell when a guy starts to have a crush on you.

 

Sigh, love is hard work lol

You're making it difficult by refusing to believe what she tells you...she's not going to date you. You are (platonic) friends.

Edited January 19, 2016 by angel.eyes

[hasaquestion]

Hate to break it to you OP but its been 3-4 months. Obviously she's not interested.

 

When was the last time a girl said "Oh man, he's so cute and funny and handsome, I can't wait to kiss him six months from now"? The answer is never.

 

Either accept her friendship with grace and really stop trying to get with her, or stop talking to her period.

[phineas]

OP, i'll break it down for you.

If you do not have other women interested in you right now, then how do you expect this woman to be interested in you?

 

Also as you have learned, being friends with a woman first is the wrong way to date them.

[Mjm1014]

I'm going to try saving this in the nicest way possible but it's the honest truth-although it's technically just my opinion. I've tried dating two girls exactly like this-and failed miserably, so here it goes:

 

She's not into you more than friends. She loves the attention and just wants to see how far you'll go for her, but that's it. It will wear off soon and she will say "I think we should stop seeing eachother." Basically you're just filling a void until she finds someone else. I feel bad for you though, I've dealt with girls like this before and it hurts a lot especially when you're waiting around hoping she will finally want something romantic. You deserve better. I'd let her go.

 

I may be totally wrong, but when I read your thread, the first thing I thought was....is he trying to date the same girl I did? It's literally the exact same thing.

[smudge21]

Exactly what Mjm1014 said. The difficulty is always to walk away and be able to see reality when you have those rose-tinted love specs on.

 

 

I've backed off my little addiction and in turn she's started communicating again, but I can see it's all just breadcrumbs; little ways to make sure I'm still around. I'm not biting, okay to reply and be polite, but none of this chasing that I've done before.

 

 

The fact remains, if they want you, they'll come get you. If they walk, then they were never going to be serious with you so why waste your time.

[Zippy2000]

She said she liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship right now with anyone because of things she's dealing with; work, her living arrangements etc.

 

OMG!!! This is EXACTLY what a girl told me back in 2014. I met a girl I liked and had a date with. We still talked and messaged each other daily just like you,

 

In August 2014 I got tired of it and decided to call her out on it and she said the same. She replied "Im not ready for a relationship right now. I ve got a lot of personal problems right now I need to deal with"

 

Fast foward to present day. Guess what? She went on a dating site and found someone else behind my back. lol!

 

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. If I knew now what I didnt know back then. I would have moved on.

 

I ve touched upon this many times before. If a girl was interested. She would have been with you by now. The fact she is she is giving you these excuses is just a REASON for a way out.

 

You see what I ve learnt from women. A lot of women cannot say NO. They dont want to loose your attention or your friendship so they give reasons why they cant be with you.

 

I d tell you now and if you can fast foward 18 months and she still isnt with you. Then its never meant to be. You will have to admit defeat and let her go and dont believe anything who tells you the "things she's dealing with; work, her living arrangements etc"

 

Work, her living arrangements! Bahahahaaaaa!! I m dealing with these right now and Im looking for a relationship. Dont beleive this drivel.

 

The girl back in 2014? Well, I m STILL friends with her. Im not complicated but if she had told me in 2014 she wasnt interested. I wouldnt have wasted 12 months of my life trying to pursue her.

 

Dont waste your time on her like I did with girl 2014. She will find someone else you and you will be left behind as January man 2016. Think about that for a sec. Think real hard.

[thecrucible]

I don't think this girl is intending to be cruel by any means. I think when you mentioned how you felt, she wanted to take time out to articulate a response and her response says she's not interested in a relationship with anyone, which may or may not be true but at least she has tried to be diplomatic about it. I think if you were in her shoes, it would be crass to go into detail about why unless she specifically asked.

 

I have said that to a few guys before and I genuinely did mean it as I really was in angsty stage of my life and so getting into relationship was less of a priority. I was in a situation with a guy that might have had potential but it didn't quite click and I didn't feel ready to put in the mental energy to make something more of it. I felt it was better to bail before it took off as I just didn't want to hurt him by getting in too deep and then withdrawing due to uncertainty. In the back of my mind, I had the idea that I would get to know him in a more relaxed way "it might happen, it might not" was what I was thinking. Not all men will want to be friends and that's okay but I was genuinely honest in my response. Some might have thought I was bs-ing (you're damned if you; damned if you don't).

 

There will be a few who won't be as honest and will find a bf the next week of course. But hey it's better it ended early as not too much time has been wasted and you can think about meeting someone else.

 

Seriously life is short. There is always going to be something else around the corner.

[Robratory]

I have said that to a few guys before and I genuinely did mean it as I really was in angsty stage of my life and so getting into relationship was less of a priority. . . . Not all men will want to be friends and that's okay but I was genuinely honest in my response. Some might have thought I was bs-ing (you're damned if you; damned if you don't).

 

The thing is, if we're not interested in romance, we shouldn't be going out on dates with new people. If we just want social company, that's what our established friends are for. No matter how it's said, "I'm not ready" does come across as inconsiderate. If you're not ready, why did you go on a date with me? Had I known you were not interested in romance at all, I wouldn't have gone on the date with you.

 

From a male perspective, this "let's just be friends" thing is silly. Why do women do that? They don't really mean "friends," you know, like the two people in the whole wide world you can call at 3 am to come bail you out. No, what they really mean is, "I'm not attracted to you, but let's keep it civil and friendly. If we run into each other, it's hi, hello, and bye, ok?"

 

If a woman is not attracted to a guy, she should say so diplomatically and should not encourage any further contact. There's no point.

[truth_seeker]

Someone needs to relieve Coach Marv of his coaching duties.

[thecrucible]

Had I known you were not interested in romance at all, I wouldn't have gone on the date with you.

 

The situation I described wasn't "not interested in romance" as an absolute. I was describing being on the fence about someone when seeking a relationship didn't take a priority for me but I was open-minded about it happening. It's these kind of dubious situations which confuse people and it's why I don't get involved when there is any sense of uncertainty whatsoever. If either of us stops contact at that point of confusion, I don't re-initiate it. It's just too awkward. I would always rather things end sooner than get drawn out and just hurt people.

 

From a male perspective, this "let's just be friends" thing is silly. Why do women do that?

 

I have never used that line. And it's not a gender thing. Men have used that line on me including men on dating sites - men I have only exchanged five messages with say "Oh I've met someone. I'm sorry but maybe we should just be friends". Hmm I haven't met you yet?!? I agree. It's a really canned thing to say.

 

No, what they really mean is, "I'm not attracted to you, but let's keep it civil and friendly. If we run into each other, it's hi, hello, and bye, ok?"

 

With the situation I described, I completely took a step back. I was open to being friends (to me defined as the odd friendly drink down the local and bumping into them in our small town). I never chase conversation with a guy once it becomes clear that it isn't going anywhere. It's fully up to him what he wants to do. I also don't lead anyone on by being false. I try to only say what I mean and actually that works against me on occasion as I don't tend to lay it on thick if I like someone, and some people enjoy that.

 

If a woman is not attracted to a guy, she should say so diplomatically and should not encourage any further contact. There's no point.

 

I wouldn't actually say "I'm not attracted to you". I'd more likely say that I feel that we don't have enough common or we're not really gelling because that is saying pretty much the same thing. I mean I know myself if a man said to me "I'm not really feeling a spark" then that means "I'm not attracted to you" and most people can read between the lines. But anyway, I think we agree on that - make things clear, but do so diplomatically.

[Bobbi7]

I've had that line used on me before-with a guy I met on a dating site, well long and behold-he would often update his profile and pictures..what did that tell me? That he didn't want me and was still searching for that woman that rocks his socks off, and it wasn't me obviously.