Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Gaeta]

My new boyfriend of a little over 1 month lost his job and went into his cave :-( Which was predictable and understandable.

 

I've been around long enough to know our short relationship won't survive this. Losing a job is too much stress and insecurity for him to concentrate on me and I can only go so far without his attention.

 

I'm very disappointed. Nothing ever stick. For once I met a man that seemed genuine he had to be hit by one of the most stressful event men will go through.

 

For the first time in 3,5 years I have been actively dating I woke up feeling defeated.

[frank1]

My new boyfriend of a little over 1 month lost his job and went into his cave :-( Which was predictable and understandable.

 

I've been around long enough to know our short relationship won't survive this. Losing a job is too much stress and insecurity for him to concentrate on me and I can only go so far without his attention.

 

I'm very disappointed. Nothing ever stick. For once I met a man that seemed genuine he had to be hit by one of the most stressful event men will go through.

 

For the first time in 3,5 years I have been actively dating I woke up feeling defeated.

 

Anyway you could maybe help him out? Not financially or anything. Maybe just be a friend or help him find another job

[Gaeta]

Anyway you could maybe help him out? Not financially or anything. Maybe just be a friend or help him find another job

 

You cannot help a man that does not return your call.

[lgspot]

Sorry Gaeta.

Perhaps when the shock wears off for him, he will re-focus and things can be

better.

I was hoping all would be smooth for you with your new guy.

Hope this will be temporary, but I understand what you are saying.

Best wishes.....

[Els]

You cannot help a man that does not return your call.

 

How long has this been? Are we talking 2 hours or more like 2 days?

 

I dunno, assuming everything else with this guy is going well, I wouldn't preemptively break up with someone just because they've lost their job. If he's in an in-demand field it isn't unlikely that he'll find another one after looking for a couple of weeks, and it's not unheard of for a R, even a one-month R, to survive this.

[soph-walker]

Gosh I'm sorry to hear this, I remember your thread not too long ago about meeting him.

 

He is probably introverting himself as a defense mechanism - do you have the impression he would pop his head out of his shell after the dust is settled?

[TaraMaiden2]

How long has this been? Are we talking 2 hours or more like 2 days?

 

I dunno, assuming everything else with this guy is going well, I wouldn't preemptively break up with someone just because they've lost their job. If he's in an in-demand field it isn't unlikely that he'll find another one after looking for a couple of weeks, and it's not unheard of for a R, even a one-month R, to survive this.

 

^^ this ^^

 

My H was out of work for 4 years, and his cave was subterranean... but he's working now, and happy.

 

Try sending him a text.

"Call me when you want to talk. I know you must be feeling low right now.

I'm here.

Unless of course, you'd prefer otherwise."

[hippychick3]

He just may need some time to process and work through this...it has nothing to do with you. I agree with just sending him a quick text telling him you're there if he needs you and then just wait.

 

Him losing his job is not necessarily a death sentence for the relationship.

[Emilia]

Anything can survive, when there is a will there is a way. For men their self esteem is often tied to their job, you just need patience. Since you aren't that invested yet, I don't see why you can't wait for a while and just do your own thing.

[MovingOnIsHard]

My current bf couldnt find a new job two months after we started dating... It was stressful for him but he never left me out in the dark and I helped him out by editing his cover letters, resume, and sending him links to job postings. He eventually found one and was happy with the support I was giving him.

 

I guess it depends on the man and how they cope with stressful events like losing a job.. Communication is key to keeping a relationship afloat.

[Gaeta]

How long has this been? Are we talking 2 hours or more like 2 days.

 

I saw him last Thursday and we had a great time.

 

Friday in a conversation he started showimg worries that he had not been contacted by his employer for Monday big contract.

 

Saturday and Sunday he avoided seeig me.

 

Monday l text him and nothing back.

 

Tuesday morning he gave me a callled saying he was now very worried because when he showed up at work Monday his name was not on the team for new contract. He then said he'd call the big boss and clear things.

 

In the afternoon l called, left a message and nothing from him since.

[Redhead14]

My new boyfriend of a little over 1 month lost his job and went into his cave :-( Which was predictable and understandable.

 

I've been around long enough to know our short relationship won't survive this. Losing a job is too much stress and insecurity for him to concentrate on me and I can only go so far without his attention.

 

I'm very disappointed. Nothing ever stick. For once I met a man that seemed genuine he had to be hit by one of the most stressful event men will go through.

 

For the first time in 3,5 years I have been actively dating I woke up feeling defeated.

 

Gaeta, it's always a disappointment when this happens. I'm sorry. How long has he been "caving" and has there been any communication at all from him during this period? Obviously, there has been some communication because he told you what's going on, but how long since that?

 

Yes, one month isn't enough time for the bond to be significant enough for him to want to "lean" on or share his stress and anxiety with you. However, it would be OK for you to reach out once in a supportive way if he hasn't actually come out and told you to move on or hasn't contacted you for a week or more. But, you're likely correct, he's not going to be able to focus on you. Sit back and see what happens. Maybe after he gets his mind around the situation and develops a plan for himself, he'll come around again. Give him space, keep moving yourself and, if he reaches out again, be supportive and receptive. That's all you can do.

[Redhead14]

I didn't see the post above mine. Sorry about that. But, he's still in the "shock" of it. Give him space. He needs time to think and get his mind around it all. Don't reach out to him for a while. Give it a little time. They do this because they don't want to be flooded with sympathy, advice, etc. It's overwhelming to them. They know that women, especially, want to help and nurture usually, so they do pull away.

[Gaeta]

How long has he been "caving" and has there been any communication at all from him during this period?

 

My post #11 sums it up.

[Toodaloo]

You cannot help a man that does not return your call.

 

Agh Gaeta this absolutely sucks.

 

However.

 

Give him time.

 

Leave it a week or so.

 

Give it a bit more time. Perhaps just send a note saying something along the lines of you are there, its early days but you want to support him and that you assume that he is having problems at work but that you know he is more than capable of sorting it out and that you really admire that about him. Just say that you are looking forward to seeing him again sometime soon and perhaps he could think of some way for you to treat him?

[Redhead14]

Agh Gaeta this absolutely sucks.

 

However.

 

Give him time.

 

Leave it a week or so.

 

Give it a bit more time. Perhaps just send a note saying something along the lines of you are there, its early days but you want to support him and that you assume that he is having problems at work but that you know he is more than capable of sorting it out and that you really admire that about him. Just say that you are looking forward to seeing him again sometime soon and perhaps he could think of some way for you to treat him?

 

I would agree with you Toodaloo if the relationship was more "developed". But, this early on, it's really not her place to be "so" supportive. Wait through the weekend, send him a light supportive text and don't mention seeing him again soon. That will put pressure on him knowing that she is kinda waiting in the wings. Space is space. Space is created to relieve pressure.

[Gaeta]

I would agree with you Toodaloo if the relationship was more "developed". But, this early on, it's really not her place to be "so" supportive. Wait through the weekend, send him a light supportive text and don't mention seeing him again soon. That will put pressure on him knowing that she is kinda waiting in the wings. Space is space. Space is created to relieve pressure.

 

I agree with this. I should not mention seeing him. I think letting him know that I'm thinking of him is ok but no more than that.

 

I don't know how long to wait. I think waiting 2 weeks for a man I have seen 5-6 weeks is generous enough.

[Toodaloo]

Right now Gaeta.

 

Guys when they are feeling down like to retreat to their cave. They need hugs too and they need a bit of tenderness too sometimes.

 

This guy is probably feeling as though his whole world has just bottomed out. He has just met this wonderful woman and now lost his job? How the heck can he now keep the wonderful woman happy? He has been emasculated enough by the loss of his job.

 

By sending a message along those line you are saying to him

 

1. You are capable

2. You can get through this

3. I am not running away

4. You are attractive and worth while

 

Think of the things you would want said to you if this happened to you. Are those not the same things?

 

Life doesn't go on hold while we date. We all have horrid things happen its how people deal with that that matters.

 

That is the difference between you being remarkable or just like all the others.

 

1 message then let him come back to you. That is it and what will you lose if you send it? Nothing.

[No_Go]

Sorry Gaeta... I have a bad gut feeling he's not man caving but pulling away. He avoided you the weekend before he was supposedly laid off (removed from a project is not equivalent to fired...). I had a guy pulling even more dramatic excuses when the naked truth was... he was not that into me.

[Gaeta]

 

Think of the things you would want said to you if this happened to you. Are those not the same things?

 

But I am not a man, my emotional needs in times of trials are different. I cannot apply to him what I would want as a woman.

[Gaeta]

Sorry Gaeta... I have a bad gut feeling he's not man caving but pulling away. He avoided you the weekend before he was supposedly laid off (removed from a project is not equivalent to fired...). I had a guy pulling even more dramatic excuses when the naked truth was... he was not that into me.

 

He started worrying on Friday. That night he kept me 3 hours on the phone and he spoke in length about it.

 

This contract was going to give him months of work. In his case it does mean he's out of job.

 

But maybe he is pulling away. Anything is possible. It's not like I have not gone through this 100 times already.

[katiegrl]

I understand losing a job is devastating, but the least he could do is return your calls...not just ignore you. That is inconsiderate IMO and frankly rude.

 

If he needs a break and/or doesn't wish to move forward with the relationship at this time ...then he needs to communicate that to you.

 

Not just not return calls or texts, tell you he's having job troubles and then ignore your further attempts to talk to him.

 

This is more than caving Gaeta.....

 

Leave him be. If and when he wants to get in touch with you, he knows where to find you.

 

I am so sorry....

hugs

Edited January 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I agree with this. I should not mention seeing him. I think letting him know that I'm thinking of him is ok but no more than that.

 

I don't know how long to wait. I think waiting 2 weeks for a man I have seen 5-6 weeks is generous enough.

 

2 weeks is plenty. Remember, it's not that you are "waiting" for him really. You're going to keep moving. If you find someone else to date, do that. When/if he "comes back", you will be hitting the reset button because, you don't really know if this is going to be a pattern with him yet. If he does this again over say, less significant things, in the future, you may be going down a difficult path. My point is, you don't want to send the message that you will be OK with him disappearing for a couple of weeks in the future.

 

I mean let him come back if you still want that after two weeks and he does too but, let him know how you felt during this time -- you missed him but don't gush over it and just observe carefully how he deals with other stressful times going forward. Hopefully, this is just a blip but it may be an indicator to the future as well. It sounds like you really like him and this is a big deal, so give him a pass just this once. If the relationship develops and you two seem to grow closer, and something like this happens again in less than say 5 or 6 months, it's perfectly ok for him to pull away for a day or two, but he should be able to share the event with you rather than shut you out of it.

[Gaeta]

I understand losing a job is devastating, but the least he could do is return your calls...not just ignore you. That is inconsiderate IMO and frankly rude.

 

If he needs a break and/or doesn't wish to move forward with the relationship at this time ...then he needs to communicate that to you.

 

Not just not return calls or texts, tell you he's having job troubles and then ignore your further attempts to talk to him.

 

My mind goes there too...

[Emilia]

I would probably wait a week, not more. If someone didn't get in touch for a week without giving a prior reason I'd assume it had run its course or that he needed so much space - without discussing it with me - that I'd assume we weren't compatible.