Quiet dating

[No_Go]

My BF and I live together, and it drives me nuts how detached he gets some evenings. He cooks, we eat in front of the TV and then he glues to his phone or we do something together that does NOT involve any meaningful conversation - like watch something or play something. I feel like selling his TV and phone some nights Is his behavior a sign for a deeper communication/relationship problem, or this is a guy thing (I never had this sort of detached take while living with female roommates, I know it is not comparable relationship but still..)?

[FadedSign52]

Maybe he is just more introverted than you which means that he recharges his batteries by doing something on his own.

 

You could try eating dinner at the table instead of in front of the TV occasionally to try to fulfill you need for conversation and come to some sort of compromise.

[No_Go]

He has used exactly this excuse (recharging, introvert), I have my concerns it is more than that (more in lines he is hiding something and is uncomfortable having a meaningful conversation; I'm saying it based on his "quietness" + other observations in conjunction).

 

 

In the current apartment there is no separation living room/dining space... But I guess I'll plead for TV/phone free meals because especially TV gets uber annoying... I'm not dating a TV program but a human.

 

 

 

 

Maybe he is just more introverted than you which means that he recharges his batteries by doing something on his own.

 

You could try eating dinner at the table instead of in front of the TV occasionally to try to fulfill you need for conversation and come to some sort of compromise.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

There are a few things to think about here:

 

1. As the previous poster said, perhaps he's introverted and needs time alone

2. Perhaps he didn't have a lot of friends growing up so he's used to doing his own thing.

3. Maybe he just needs to wind down - does he work a stressful job.

4. Maybe he's not that experienced in relationships? How old are you guys?

5. Maybe he's just got a different expectation of a relationship than you?

 

There's a lot of things that could be going on. What you need to make clear is 1. With his full attention, tell him what you feel. 2. Tell him why you wish he did x,y,z, and how it would make you feel better, 3. Give him opportunities and invitations...as well as a realistic timetable.

 

You won't know anything till you ask. However, you do need to realize that if you don't make it clear he's not at fault - people have different views/expectations of things, including dating, so you need to be on the same page

[FadedSign52]

I've had a conversation with an introverted friend whose very extroverted wife for years thought that being introverted was some kind of disease and refused to understand the differences.

 

That does not mean that you can't both try to come to some sort of compromise that can work though. He may need to come out of his comfort zone some and you may also need to work to understand where he is coming from.

 

As scooby said, having an open honest conversation about it with him would be best so you can both try to get it to work.

[Gaeta]

How old are you two?

 

Why did you move in together?

 

Sounds to me you moved in together because it was convenient, not because it was well thought out and a common life project.

Edited December 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for clarity ~ V

[losangelena]

NG, for what it's worth, my ex and I fell into this pattern, too.

 

I went along with it, because it was comfortable, but at the same time, I wish we'd spent more time chatting or interacting in the evenings. In his case, as we all know, it was a communication issue. He was not someone capable of opening up and being deep (with me, anyway). My roommates and I, too, gab regularly in the evenings.

 

I don't know if it can so simply be boiled down to an introvert/extrovert dynamic. I'm an introvert, in that I need my alone time, but I still like to conversate, especially with my loved-ones. I'm an "outgoing introvert," I suppose. I bet what you're feeling is more a suspicion that he's closed off to you. Again, with my ex, I felt that way, too, because when we were around his friends or coworkers, he was a lot more outgoing, and when he was with me, he was suddenly quiet/tired/distracted/playing video games. I HATED it, because after a while it felt like crumbs. I felt like, "You NEVER feel energetic with me, you don't want to chat and talk with me but you'll do it with almost everyone else? I'm your girlfriend, why don't you want to get to know me?"

 

I am totally for having quiet downtime, but looking back at our relationship, most of it involved sleeping, having sex, watching TV, driving in the car, or being with other people. It was unsatisfying. If we ever went out to eat, he'd find anything else to distract him—a TV, other people, etc., as if actually having a conversation was the absolute LAST thing he'd ever want to do. Never mind unsatisfying, it was downright hurtful.

 

Haha, I feel like I have a lot of residual feelings about my relationship, so maybe I'm coming on a little strong here, but in short, I feel you and I would not like it at all, either. I'm sorry. Hopefully it doesn't mean the same thing it meant in my case.

[The Way I Am]

My BF and I live together, and it drives me nuts how detached he gets some evenings. He cooks, we eat in front of the TV and then he glues to his phone or we do something together that does NOT involve any meaningful conversation - like watch something or play something. I feel like selling his TV and phone some nights Is his behavior a sign for a deeper communication/relationship problem, or this is a guy thing (I never had this sort of detached take while living with female roommates, I know it is not comparable relationship but still..)?

 

That's basically how I've been with every male or female roommate I've ever had and my exbf I lived with. Doesn't seem like any cause for alarm.

 

He has used exactly this excuse (recharging, introvert), I have my concerns it is more than that (more in lines he is hiding something and is uncomfortable having a meaningful conversation; I'm saying it based on his "quietness" + other observations in conjunction).

 

Has he not always been like this? If he used to be talkative and want to share everything with you every day, but now he's barely talking to you, then maybe he is hiding something.

 

If he is introverted, he has a need for alone time. You have a need for conversation. You'll need to find a way to compromise. If you're not already, maybe arrange to go out for dates at least once a week. Whether that's to dinner, just out for a walk, or whatever else you can do where you two can talk.

[S2B]

I'll take a different angle than the rest...

 

This is who he is!

 

If that isn't a good match FOR YOU/your style - then end it and move so you can find a guy more suitable for your needs.

 

Expecting him to change who he is isn't reasonable or fair to him.

[AndOrchid]

He has used exactly this excuse (recharging, introvert), I have my concerns it is more than that (more in lines he is hiding something and is uncomfortable having a meaningful conversation; I'm saying it based on his "quietness" + other observations in conjunction).

 

What are your other observations and why do you think he's hiding something? This is relevant information if you are seeking useful advice, not based on guesswork about whether he is an introvert. Sounds like there is more to the story.

[The Way I Am]

Expecting him to change who he is isn't reasonable or fair to him.

 

It's not reasonable or fair to him to break up with him without first explaining her needs and giving him the chance to fulfill them.

[losangelena]

It's also not reasonable or fair to him to break up with him without first explaining her needs and giving him the chance to fulfill them.

 

I doubt she's thinking of breaking up with him because of this.

 

Having lived through this very thing though, I know it can be disturbing, the feeling of "you're my boyfriend, why don't you ever seem like you want to have an actual conversation with me, your girlfriend?"

 

I get the sense that this is more than a case of him needing "down time" in the evenings. Most people would not get upset about that. I think OP is feeling there is something more there. She is not a petty person.

[The Way I Am]

I doubt she's thinking of breaking up with him because of this.

 

I don't think she is either. That was in response to S2B's advice to just end it.

[losangelena]

I don't think she is either. That was in response to S2B's advice to just end it.

 

My bad. Sorry, I've had a bit of wine this evening. My filter is gone.

[dobielover]

I was in a LTR like this, the most boring and most unfulfilling relationship of my life. It was like that pretty much from the very beginning. He just wasn't one who cared for any sort of meaningful conversation. Then again, nothing meaningful really ever happened in his life.

[kassy]

This, if combined with a lack of frequent sex, would be my relationship from hell. Talk to him about it. Do you guys have hobbies and other things to do than watch TV? Sounds so boring and unfulfilling. I've had my fair share of relationships and they haven't been like this

[veggirl]

How long have you guys been together? Living together?

 

I don't know, I don't see the huge problem...after work during the week, after dealing with people all day, when I get home I want to eat my dinner and relax, not have big deep conversations all night long. What do you guys do on the weekends? Is it more exciting then? During the week my bf and I do just that...chill/relax after work. We go out on the weekends.

[No_Go]

Hm, 4) is true for sure - he is 38, but with minimum relationship experience...

5) is possible... I'm still trying to figure this out, but it is very hard because I'm not given the conversation time that I need to make a good evaluation.

 

I'll need to talk indeed, and will need to do it soon since I've been getting worked up with the radio silence...

 

Hey OP,

 

There are a few things to think about here:

 

1. As the previous poster said, perhaps he's introverted and needs time alone

2. Perhaps he didn't have a lot of friends growing up so he's used to doing his own thing.

3. Maybe he just needs to wind down - does he work a stressful job.

4. Maybe he's not that experienced in relationships? How old are you guys?

5. Maybe he's just got a different expectation of a relationship than you?

 

There's a lot of things that could be going on. What you need to make clear is 1. With his full attention, tell him what you feel. 2. Tell him why you wish he did x,y,z, and how it would make you feel better, 3. Give him opportunities and invitations...as well as a realistic timetable.

 

You won't know anything till you ask. However, you do need to realize that if you don't make it clear he's not at fault - people have different views/expectations of things, including dating, so you need to be on the same page

[No_Go]

38 and 31.

You guessed right: it was more of a convenience than of anything else... I basically saved him from a situation with his former roommate and it was good for me too because I'd get a rent bump in my former place.

I would love to say there was more than the convenience but apparently ths was about it from his side (he actually is very uncomfortable for us living together because his church 'friends' are judging )

 

How old are you 2?

 

Why did you move in together?

 

Sounds to me you moved in together because it was convenient, not because it was well thought out and a common life project.

[No_Go]

Eh sounds so familiar :

- not being able to open up

- comfortable eat-tv-sex-sleep cycles, that's every Mon-Thu, no exception; add drive and watch a show/movie on the weekends. That's all.

- fake(?) openness from his side in front of other people (note - in front of specific groups of people only - e.g. with his family he's terribly closed)

 

Introversion: I'm a 100% an introvert, by any test. I think it is wrongly assumed introverts do not need meaningful communication, it is other way round...

 

Anyway, he admitted yesterday he's closing up because of something - he didn't name it, but I assume he's butthurt over the fact that I defended someone that he calls an enemy a few days ago... Although all the described dynamics (or lack of it) started pretty much on the move-in day,not the aforementioned few days ago..

 

 

NG, for what it's worth, my ex and I fell into this pattern, too.

 

I went along with it, because it was comfortable, but at the same time, I wish we'd spent more time chatting or interacting in the evenings. In his case, as we all know, it was a communication issue. He was not someone capable of opening up and being deep (with me, anyway). My roommates and I, too, gab regularly in the evenings.

 

I don't know if it can so simply be boiled down to an introvert/extrovert dynamic. I'm an introvert, in that I need my alone time, but I still like to conversate, especially with my loved-ones. I'm an "outgoing introvert," I suppose. I bet what you're feeling is more a suspicion that he's closed off to you. Again, with my ex, I felt that way, too, because when we were around his friends or coworkers, he was a lot more outgoing, and when he was with me, he was suddenly quiet/tired/distracted/playing video games. I HATED it, because after a while it felt like crumbs. I felt like, "You NEVER feel energetic with me, you don't want to chat and talk with me but you'll do it with almost everyone else? I'm your girlfriend, why don't you want to get to know me?"

 

I am totally for having quiet downtime, but looking back at our relationship, most of it involved sleeping, having sex, watching TV, driving in the car, or being with other people. It was unsatisfying. If we ever went out to eat, he'd find anything else to distract him—a TV, other people, etc., as if actually having a conversation was the absolute LAST thing he'd ever want to do. Never mind unsatisfying, it was downright hurtful.

 

Haha, I feel like I have a lot of residual feelings about my relationship, so maybe I'm coming on a little strong here, but in short, I feel you and I would not like it at all, either. I'm sorry. Hopefully it doesn't mean the same thing it meant in my case.

[No_Go]

Oh we're going on dates, weekly. However they're always ones that involve watching movie/show/theater etc. So no talking Or, if it is something else, there are other people around and he's socializing with them

What's for sure I need to say how I feel about it and go from there..

 

That's basically how I've been with every male or female roommate I've ever had and my exbf I lived with. Doesn't seem like any cause for alarm.

 

 

 

Has he not always been like this? If he used to be talkative and want to share everything with you every day, but now he's barely talking to you, then maybe he is hiding something.

 

If he is introverted, he has a need for alone time. You have a need for conversation. You'll need to find a way to compromise. If you're not already, maybe arrange to go out for dates at least once a week. Whether that's to dinner, just out for a walk, or whatever else you can do where you two can talk.

[No_Go]

I was just asking could it be a communication problem. It could be that that's who he is but his communication attempts with other people make me think it is not the case.

 

I'll take a different angle than the rest...

 

This is who he is!

 

If that isn't a good match FOR YOU/your style - then end it and move so you can find a guy more suitable for your needs.

 

Expecting him to change who he is isn't reasonable or fair to him.

[No_Go]

Well, not that you asked, I have the gut feeling from MONTHS that he's hiding something from his past. I don't know why, but my intuition is very strong in that sense. It is almost like he doesn't like talking to me because he's afraid he'll spill the beans. See few observations below:

1) the few times we were going on walks and long drives (undisturbed communication setting) he seemed to be very uncomfortable with me asking questions to get to know him

2) he referred a few times he needs the TV distraction to 'suppress his thoughts'(?)

3) he has moved numerous times, severing connections with people after he leave... He referred to 'protecting from gossips (?)'

4) he hasn't had relationships till his mid 30s (although he referred he wanted to)... Like 7 years something was stopping him from dating, not clear what

5) he has weird reactions when I brought up "crime and punishment" topic... He always thought about the innocent being assigned guilty. This one is huge for me - my intuition is he's bringing this up to tell me something from his past, but he can't gather the guts to say it out

6) he's jumping loops to interact with people in churches. I know many people are religious, but in his case his desire to be in such groups revolves to this 'people are able to forgive / not judge'... making me think he needs to be forgiven for something

 

What are your other observations and why do you think he's hiding something? This is relevant information if you are seeking useful advice, not based on guesswork about whether he is an introvert. Sounds like there is more to the story.

[No_Go]

So true that if nothing meaningful happens in someones life, the topics are also not meaningful...

 

I was in a LTR like this, the most boring and most unfulfilling relationship of my life. It was like that pretty much from the very beginning. He just wasn't one who cared for any sort of meaningful conversation. Then again, nothing meaningful really ever happened in his life.

[No_Go]

We go out together weekly watching shows etc, or gathering with other people. But both situations do not allow 1-to-1 communication.

 

This, if combined with a lack of frequent sex, would be my relationship from hell. Talk to him about it. Do you guys have hobbies and other things to do than watch TV? Sounds so boring and unfulfilling. I've had my fair share of relationships and they haven't been like this