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If I have no reasons to check should I still check?


Gaeta

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Another intimate evening/night with my new man.

 

I have no reasons what-so-ever to think he's dating around. It feels like I have all of his attention.

 

Days ago I took my profile pictures down and never logged back in. His profile was still up at that time with mention 'online 21 hours ago'.

 

I am having such a good time getting to know him I honestly don't want to go look and then be filled with doubts but at the same time I strongly believe in watching my own back.

 

What is keeping me from logging in is that I have no reasons to do it.

thoughts?

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My thoughts are that if you want to be exclusive with this guy, you should be having a mature, adult conversation with him, rather than telling us about how you're not stalking his online activities.

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My thoughts are that if you want to be exclusive with this guy, you should be having a mature, adult conversation with him, rather than telling us about how you're not stalking his online activities.

 

I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

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I would want to know if his profile was still up or not. I might say to him "Btw, I took my profile down the other day. It feels good not having to respond to messages anymore on [the site]."

 

Then, say nothing.

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I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

Then until he raises the subject, you're not exclusive, and both free to date other people. Checking his profile is not necessary.

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I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

Gaeta you want something to happen be vocal your never gonna get a successful relationship if you want everything to be planned or fall into place as you imagine. Men they are creatures of words not guesses they dont ponder what you might be feeling or thinking all day most men will go about things as normal till its brought to their attention even woman ppl in general.

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I agree with Pete, talk to him. And I agree that you’re not exclusive until it’s stated.

 

I don’t see it as a necessity but more like getting the information you might want before letting yourself shift into thinking exclusivity if he hasn’t. You don’t need to feel guilty about checking. Profiles are public so you have as much right as anyone to look. Personally, I wouldn’t want to become very emotionally attached to someone who was still keeping his options open.

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Personally, I wouldn’t want to become very emotionally attached to someone who was still keeping his options open.

Exactly. And wouldn't it be a travesty if he were thinking the same thing? "She hasn't raised exclusivity, she must be seeing others, so I'm keeping my options open too"...

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I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

 

I forget how long you've been seeing this guy, but, there is nothing wrong with the woman bringing up the exclusivity talk if she's been intimate with him and he hasn't brought it up. You should take some "control" too now that you've been intimate. How long will you be intimate with him and wait for that discussion? You could string yourself along for quite a while.

 

And, the chaser sometimes needs to be relieved of being the chaser. If you're being intimate and you know you want exclusivity, talk to him. Simply say, "I've been enjoying the time we're spending together and I don't want to see anyone else". If he says he's not ready to stop dating others, you hit the reset button. If you like him enough, you can accept that he will date others while being intimate with you or continue to date him and take sex off the table. Don't tell him that, just keep the dates public again for a while until there is clarity. Asking for exclusivity by itself isn't going to change his answer, the answer will be what the answer will be. Exclusivity isn't about being boyfriend and girlfriend, it's just that you are taking it to a level where you can focus on each other for a while to determine whether or not you will go to boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Are you two on the same page in terms of dating goals in general?

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Are you two on the same page in terms of dating goals in general?

 

Yes we are but I stopped counting how many times I was just told what I wanted to hear so they could kill time with me till next best thing.

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Exactly. And wouldn't it be a travesty if he were thinking the same thing? "She hasn't raised exclusivity, she must be seeing others, so I'm keeping my options open too"...

 

Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

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I guess you are rushing in to the entire thing. It's just a few days ago you posted that you are seeing this guy. Slow down !

 

 

Yes I posted a few days ago I was seeing him but I started seeing him a month ago. I waited a month and several dates before talking about him.

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Yes we are but I stopped counting how many times I was just told what I wanted to hear so they could kill time with me till next best thing.

 

That is the reason that it is ok for you to clarify things with guys along the way of your own volition when it becomes an issue for you. You could kinda stew about this question for a while and it will build to a crescendo causing you to be stressed and unhappy. You've been intimate with him, and that's OK, but you don't have to accept or continue that if he isn't on the same page. If he likes you enough, he will stop dating others. And, even then, you need to observe how he dates you and how he makes you feel going forward for quite some time. You should keep in the back of your mind, that the period of exclusivity may not lead to boyfriend and girlfriend and be prepared to accept or initiate moving on if things aren't developing after a period of being intimate and exclusive.

 

You don't make it an ultimatum, because it's not about using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. You are just stating what it is you want for yourself now that you've been intimate and letting him tell you what he wants.

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Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

 

You're assuming he's watching. (But you're not watching... disadvantaging yourself, proceeding on a hope rather than facts)

 

Talk to him. You know what lines and explanations users and equivocators use.

Frankly, I'd just watch and keep my heart in check if he didn't take it down in a week or so after my profile went blank.

 

You shouldn't have to log in to check his status. Which site is this?

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Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

Only if he is stalking your online profile. And if he assumes you're only on that one site. And if he assumes that OLD is your only route for meeting guys. And if he assumes the others you're dating are all new guys.

 

That's a lot of assumptions that could be sorted out with one brief, light, adult conversation.

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Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

 

No, not necessarily. How does he know you aren't seeing other guys from real life and vice versa?

 

All the spying and assuming done through social media is a waste of time and an unnecessary source of exhausting mental gymnastics.

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No opinion type thoughts but I do have a question. Is keeping your dating profile up automatically a bad thing? I don't mean in the sense that they're out there actively dating, but just in the sense of it functioning in a sort of social media way. (Not unlike LS really.)

 

Forex ppl don't close out there FB accounts when they start dating. I know OLD is primarily for just that, but my guess is some ppl like the 'feel' of it too - the daily ritual of logging in and seeing what's up, etc.

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You're assuming he's watching. (But you're not watching... disadvantaging yourself, proceeding on a hope rather than facts)

 

Talk to him. You know what lines and explanations users and equivocators use.

Frankly, I'd just watch and keep my heart in check if he didn't take it down in a week or so after my profile went blank.

 

You shouldn't have to log in to check his status. Which site is this?

 

You're right, I am functioning on hope here. I just don't want this to be another disappointment.

 

We met on badoo, not sure this one can be checked off line.

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Well, since you've been on 4-5 dates and over a month's period, IMO, presuming you feel like concentrating on getting to know this one person, no harm in telling him how you feel about that. Sharing those feelings and asking him how he feels about that, what you shared, will tell you a lot about his perception and communication style, along with the more obvious stuff like how he views your interactions.

 

Many years ago when I was dating I had a real problem with exclusivity because, well, women of my demographic had a lot of choices and enjoyed reviewing all of them. Hence, I had to directly share that I was interested in getting to know them, and only them, and ask direct questions about their intentions. Usually, how it went was I would share that I decided to quit whatever advertising I had been doing and wanted to focus on dating only them and asked them how they felt about that. Responses varied. It was a check to see if we were on the same page, not a commitment to anything. The relationship/intimacy/sex stuff came further down the road. Later, after a lot of social interaction and bit of 'stock' elevation, it became, sometimes, the women who would broach that subject because, well, they wanted to and, as my exW later put it, didn't want me to get away. To me, it was an equality of sorts, modified by the milieu of the particular interaction.

 

If you bring this up, it's not like it's a contract of adhesion that binds you for your entire life, rather a simple conversation between two people dating.

 

Good luck!

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I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. Do not bring it up.

 

Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

 

This was a mistake. You already signaled to him that YOU are exclusive, that you are not dating others, that you are focused on him... You essentially put down your bow and arrow in front of him, you just didn't actually use words. He has not signaled the same.

 

I guess you are rushing in to the entire thing. It's just a few days ago you posted that you are seeing this guy. Slow down !

 

I agree with this as well.

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I know OLD is primarily for just that, but my guess is some ppl like the 'feel' of it too - the daily ritual of logging in and seeing what's up, etc.

 

If I am ever told this excuse from a man I am dating he will be given his severance paper.

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Forex ppl don't close out there FB accounts when they start dating. I know OLD is primarily for just that, but my guess is some ppl like the 'feel' of it too - the daily ritual of logging in and seeing what's up, etc.

I still have my POF account because I post to the forums there.

It still has my main pic because that's displayed as the forums avatar.

The rest of it is changed to be as unappealing as possible.

But it still exists and I log in to post to the forums.

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