I'm a monster.

[Spira]

Thanks a lot, LS... Reading all the posts today have been making me realize what a fu*ked up person I really am, and all I've done to sabatoge my relationship. Of course, it's too late, now.

 

I don't know what happened. I used to be such a quiet, shy girl. Laid back. Wanted to be one of the guys, never got jealous or uptight about dumb things. And I'm so sure that he liked all of that about me, that's who he thought I was. Now I've changed. What happened to me? I'm not that shy little girl anymore, I drink too much, became a stripper. Tried to kill myself a few weeks ago. I'm obsessive, jealous, suspicious. Moody. I don't trust anyone, I hate "the guys" because "the guys" are all liars, cheaters, and they use the ones that love them. And even before I became this person, I was really, really closed off about my emotions - never talked.

 

Who have I become? I want my life back, and I want my love back.

 

Of course, I still believe that I am only 50% responsible for the end of this relationship, and that the relationship is 50% responsible for me becoming this monster.

[emopunk]

You're no monster Spira. If you had no consideration for the feelings of others, if you were egotistical, or if you were or if you were selfish... then maybe you'd qualify. From what I've read, you're not like that. Hurt, yes. Maybe confused, yes. But a monster? No.

 

More importantly than any of the above, you want to change. For the better. And one thing is true in life; people can change if they want to. I did. I knew who I was all along, but I didn't like who I was brecoming. You just have to want it bad enough.

 

I know how it is to be jaded. I am too. It comes from experience. But even now, I see things from time to time that help to change my perception of humanity. Just don't lose faith in yourself.

[Merin]

Life is what happens when you're making other plans.

 

Spira, you're being to hard on yourself.. while you may have made some not so great choices along the way, it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

When relationships that were/are important to you end it's hard and for a lot of people it's devastating.. it puts you into a place of trying to find your footing and redirect yourself..

 

However.. of all the sh*tty things that have ever happend to me in my life or in my relationships the one thing I've learned is, no one can do anything to you that you WON'T ALLOW them to.

 

Emotional baggage is okay to carry with you for a time, because IMO it helps you learn and grow.. but eventually you've got to put it away because it will become to heavy for you to carry, and it isn't fair to make others you encounter carry it for you.. it doesn't belong to them.

 

You've reached that first "Hurrdle" in recogonizing you've got some things to deal with.. the next step is finding a way to redirect yourself to make yourself okay and happy again.

 

Good Luck

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I wish I was a different person. I hate the way I feel about myself. I try to change something everyday to make me happier, or better, but I just can't get a hold of any ground it seems. I don't know if somewhere in my head there is something not working right, or I don't know if I just can't handle things in life that other people seem to breeze through. I'm a chameleon, someone who changes their skin to fit in with everything else. I'm almost 23 and still haven't found a solid anything. I've had a few girls come and go in my life. Most of them ending up being scars over top the other scars. I truly believe I am one big mess on the inside. My only hope is that time will help me understand why I can't achieve a lasting anything, whether it be happiness, relationships, or even my mood. To me it all paints a picture of loneliness and despair, and while I hate dwelling in it, I don't see an escape. I have good things in my life, but those pale when the emotions are balanced between the bad things about myself. I'm not even sure why I posted here now, but maybe being here now helps me in some way. I wish there wasn't a thing called pain and hurt in this world, but thats an obscure way of looking at things.

[zilverenvlinder]

Spira! You sound just like me

 

So therefore any advice I give would not be helpful.

 

By the way, what's your sun sign?

 

<3 adria

[Stylin22]

Look, I've read a lot of your posts there Spira and you are a great Loveshacker...Let me tell you that you aren't a monster. Life is all about learning and growing. I would be more frightened of you if you didn't post that. And honestly, that post was so more than some people are willing to do, face the music, and deal. You have my respect and anything that I can do to help...Let me know...But, promise us at the 'Shack that you will lay off the booze a bit...except for the Superbowl when my Patriots romp butt....

[blind_otter]

That's what made me want to end my relationship. I hated what I had become, the things I had done, the things I sometimes still choose to do. It's called clinical depression. It's a natural reaction to an unnatural situation.

 

Life is a bitch. It sucks. It's hard. It's not all fun and beauty and love. I guess for some people it is. Life is just hard, and the choices we make, well whatever, they are the choices we make out of necessity sometimes.

 

I understand how you feel. I'm right here with you, I know. I wish I had more answers. You know, some days are easier than others. The longer time passes, the more you have easier days.

[Spira]

Originally posted by zilverenvlinder

 

By the way, what's your sun sign?

 

 

Weird. Your name is Adria? Mine is Adira... I'm a Libra.

 

Thanks, everyone. I'll lay off the booze a bit, Stylin'. LOL.

 

It's hard for me to not feel like this sometimes, because as much as I push it away & pretend that it doesn't exist, the feeling is still there. Sorry if I came off as over-dramatic. Honestly, thank you everyone.

 

I got some good news last night that really made me feel like I could be a better person. And I'll probably post about it later when I have more time...