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Dating a man-boy


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I sometimes wonder if my BF will ever grow up. He lives day by day, no plans, note except for "fun": vacation days, sports etc. I've never seen him struggling in thoughts how he wants to grow up professionally, but regarding his work outs, friends or gadgets - he's all up and present. We've been together for approaching 9 months, and I want to stay with him, but at the present just don't see him as a responsible adult, let alone father when time comes. Do guys change when faced with more responsibility, or his childish irresponsibility at age close to 40 is something that is not salvageable? I'm very worried I'll have an extra son (i.e. himself), not an equal partner, if we stay together long term... For the record, I'm very ambitious and driven, maybe that's why his lack of goals bug me so much... I'm old enough to make compromises but not experiments with dead-end relationships... which is what I feel like our relationship/his existence will turn into if he refuses to grow up...

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I have limited sympathy here. After all, YOU were the one who picked him. Why is that?

 

That was blunt on my part. I think is the more relevant question though.

Edited by Imajerk17
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I have limited sympathy here. After all, YOU were the one who picked him. Why is that?

 

That was blunt on my part. I think is the more relevant question though.

 

I agree with this.

 

Do you know if he wants kids even?

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I agree with the above. Why have you stayed with a guy like this for 9 months? Did it take you this long to realize how he truly is, or did you realize it before and were okay with it until now?

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I don't get it, I really don't. Why would you even chose him in the first place? Only to try and change him later?

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I have limited sympathy here. After all, YOU were the one who picked him. Why is that?

 

Why have you stayed with a guy like this for 9 months? Did it take you this long to realize how he truly is, or did you realize it before and were okay with it until now?

 

I don't get it, I really don't. Why would you even chose him in the first place? Only to try and change him later?

 

Oh please. OP has come for some helpful advice and not to get judged.

 

I think it's quite normal to realize someone's flaws over time. That's what dating IS—the process of learning about another person and whether or not you WANT to spend the rest of your life with them. It's entirely possible that OP didn't fully realize his propensity for immaturity, or didn't think about it all the way through before and now has.

 

OP, I've know several guys who have been sort of "forced" to grow up through circumstance (most often by unintended pregnancies), but having seen them go through those upheavals to the other side, I see that they're still quite immature/non-committal. I don't think you can change a person, they need to want to change. Yes it's been nine months and you love him, but maybe it's time to really decide if he's someone you want to be with. Yes, love is powerful, but I'm not sure it's enough.

 

You've been unsure of him for a long time. You don't seem to be getting any more sure.

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No, I wouldn't continue dating/relating with someone that I deemed worthy of a label like "man-boy", even if it was an accurate label to pin on him.

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Op if you have all these doubts why did you just move in with this man ( as per your previous thread)? Smh. I think that is why previous posters have no sympathy.

 

However, I think you need to have a serious talk on your relationship goals and where you both see this heading.

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Let me tell you something my mother told me (she was only half-joking):

 

It doesn't matter -

  • What car they drive;
  • What job they have;
  • How much money they earn;
  • What house they live in;
  • Whose clothes (label) they wear;

 

They're only 9 years old.

My husband on hearing this, indignantly declared he was all of nine-and-a-half.

 

He was only half-joking too....

 

If your guy seems even younger than that - drop the babysitting duties, and run.

 

At 40?

Don't expect any change, at all.

None.

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I'll withhold the judging and simply say:

 

End it. You're not a good match and you shouldn't expect major changes at his age.

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.....

End it. You're not a good match and you shouldn't expect major changes at his age.

Correct, because there never will be.

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I understand you OP.

 

I have a partner like that. He is about to be 40 and has no career, goals, just expects everything to somehow work out in the end.

He has ADHD, which largely contributed to his lack of organisation and the eternal search for fun stuff to do, living day by day without long term plans, let alone any real dedication to implement such plans.

 

As far as why did OP stay with him... It is a process of getting to know someone. In the beginning you think it is natural for you two to have fun and that later he will show you his serious side. People usually keep it fun and light in the first few month, and maybe get comfortable to open up a bit later with more serious stuff... but then you realize it never comes and then you realize what ADHD really means, and how it affects his and yours lives. You read about it and you watch youtube videos about it and you realize you love a person with this issue. And you cannot just throw them out like they have plague but are trying to cope. This can be draining especially since you are the person more likely than a partner to be in search of solutions. These relationships cannot last unless he starts doing all the heavy lifting, since it is his issue, not yours. Or, you can change the way you feel about it (hard to do).

Unfortunately, the most likely scenario is that you end up being codependent, trying hard to "fix" someone, much like a wife of an alcoholic spends all her efforts going to the meetings that are meant for family of alcoholics, thinking what other thing hasn't SHE tried yet and what else can SHE do, how better to help him... In the meanwhile, the person with the issue (be it alcoholic or mental problem) has no issue at all with it. Very few of them have empathy (they don't have that mechanism developed in their brain) and determination that it takes to protect their partners from themselves.

 

I told you about my life now.

 

I am not saying it is the case with you, but it sounded like it from a few things you mentioned.

 

Take care of yourself first no matter what.

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It's a compatibility issue.......you are driven, he is not. You need to move on and find someone more suitable. Tip: first few dates is like a job interview....you find out if they have goals and expectations that matches yours and proof to back it up. if you are serious about your future you need to get serious about the type of person you choose to date. Never gamble on, "they will change" as things go along.

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It's a compatibility issue.......you are driven, he is not. You need to move on and find someone more suitable. Tip: first few dates is like a job interview....you find out if they have goals and expectations that matches yours and proof to back it up. if you are serious about your future you need to get serious about the type of person you choose to date. Never gamble on, "they will change" as things go along.

 

I think it's called WYSIWYG, isn't it..?

:)

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I think it is a fair question @losangelina. When guys come on here complaining about their "luck" with women, we tell them to take responsibility and rightfully so. Same principle applies here.

 

I'm just not seeing how the OP possibly couldn't have an idea of her boyfriend's sense of responsibility and ambition by the 3rd date. Isn't that something important to be screening a potential partner on too. Even when you keep things light don't you at least ask each other "how's work"?

 

Anyway OP, he isn't changing. Some guys do indeed step up their lives when they meet a woman who truly inspires them, but that he hasn't done it for you after 9 months means that ship has already sailed. I can't say for sure either way whether you can put up w a lifetime of this.

 

Harsh but true.

 

Oh please. OP has come for some helpful advice and not to get judged.

 

I think it's quite normal to realize someone's flaws over time. That's what dating IS—the process of learning about another person and whether or not you WANT to spend the rest of your life with them. It's entirely possible that OP didn't fully realize his propensity for immaturity, or didn't think about it all the way through before and now has.

 

OP, I've know several guys who have been sort of "forced" to grow up through circumstance (most often by unintended pregnancies), but having seen them go through those upheavals to the other side, I see that they're still quite immature/non-committal. I don't think you can change a person, they need to want to change. Yes it's been nine months and you love him, but maybe it's time to really decide if he's someone you want to be with. Yes, love is powerful, but I'm not sure it's enough.

 

You've been unsure of him for a long time. You don't seem to be getting any more sure.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Obviously liked something in him to start with, there's been chemistry and he's been very attentive

 

Let alone my previous relationship was dreadful, and ended <2 months before meeting him... So in that time anything "normal" appeared extraordinary

 

I have limited sympathy here. After all, YOU were the one who picked him. Why is that?

 

That was blunt on my part. I think is the more relevant question though.

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He does, HE asked me are we on the same page for it very early on.

 

I agree with this.

 

Do you know if he wants kids even?

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He does, HE asked me are we on the same page for it very early on.

 

Well that's a very important thing to be on the same page then. Glad you knew that. I'd say if you love him, accept him and never expect him to change. If he's loving to you, I'm sure he'd be a very loving and fun dad. You might have to make all the appointments and remember to take them to the doctor. But I think you can work together and play to your strengths. Just do NOT stick with him if you think you'll end up resenting him.

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These types of threads say more about the OP. The first couple of responses are right. Look in the Mirror. This is about YOU and not him.

 

9 months? Why more than 9 days?

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I sometimes wonder if my BF will ever grow up. He lives day by day, no plans, note except for "fun": vacation days, sports etc. I've never seen him struggling in thoughts how he wants to grow up professionally, but regarding his work outs, friends or gadgets - he's all up and present. We've been together for approaching 9 months, and I want to stay with him, but at the present just don't see him as a responsible adult, let alone father when time comes. Do guys change when faced with more responsibility, or his childish irresponsibility at age close to 40 is something that is not salvageable? I'm very worried I'll have an extra son (i.e. himself), not an equal partner, if we stay together long term... For the record, I'm very ambitious and driven, maybe that's why his lack of goals bug me so much... I'm old enough to make compromises but not experiments with dead-end relationships... which is what I feel like our relationship/his existence will turn into if he refuses to grow up...

 

 

So far you've made some commentary on his temperament but you haven't said anything specifically that would suggest that he hasn't "grown up". A lot of times women will sling the immature card at a man simply because he has a hobby she doesn't like or doesn't parallel her emotions.

 

Is there anything specific that he does that causes you to feel this way? You mention that he's almost 40, I assume that he's holding down a job and living on his own? Does he handle life in a childish way?

 

Otherwise, this may not be a case of him needing to grow up and instead the fact that you simply aren't ever going to like that his approach to life is different from yours.

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Thanks LA!

 

I'm still not ready to give up on him...there was some positive change, eg with financial issues that I discussed here. Cohabitation brought up a lot of stress (nothing specific, just the lack of time apart), so I feel like giving it 3 more months to make a full year before making a decision. I also made a huge job transition, so I'm crankier than usual, and don't want to make terminal decisions before coming back on track myself..

 

He's really contradictory in his thoughts/actions. HE is talking how he wants to be a father (not immediately obviously, but in his future), then he joins a sports team with college kids (he's 38 to be precise, i.e. Double their age). He saves on lunches one second, next one splurges on expensive electronics. I don't know if it makes sense, but he just seem not to be "calibrated" as an adult.

 

He's super keen on spending time with his church friends, I think I mentioned this issue before, I sometimes wonder do I misread this and it is just part of the religious people behavior..

 

It suck, because he has a potential. He has degrees, good family, just somehow can't put the things together into a driven fulfilling productive life...

 

Oh please. OP has come for some helpful advice and not to get judged.

 

I think it's quite normal to realize someone's flaws over time. That's what dating IS—the process of learning about another person and whether or not you WANT to spend the rest of your life with them. It's entirely possible that OP didn't fully realize his propensity for immaturity, or didn't think about it all the way through before and now has.

 

OP, I've know several guys who have been sort of "forced" to grow up through circumstance (most often by unintended pregnancies), but having seen them go through those upheavals to the other side, I see that they're still quite immature/non-committal. I don't think you can change a person, they need to want to change. Yes it's been nine months and you love him, but maybe it's time to really decide if he's someone you want to be with. Yes, love is powerful, but I'm not sure it's enough.

 

You've been unsure of him for a long time. You don't seem to be getting any more sure.

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Ha he's shockingly a great roommate.

 

Also I think this is the fastest way to evaluate compatibility... for better or worse

 

Op if you have all these doubts why did you just move in with this man ( as per your previous thread)? Smh. I think that is why previous posters have no sympathy.

 

However, I think you need to have a serious talk on your relationship goals and where you both see this heading.

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Thanks Winterina.

 

My BF definitely had mental issues (he treated them, talking very openly about it), including depression, social anxiety, and I think Asperger. I don't know about ADHD but if you look at Aspergers symptoms, it is still very difficult for the partner.

 

Codependency is horrible thing, I lived with an alcoholic and it was a nightmare. In the current situation I don't think we're codependent but it may happen...

 

Hope the things with your man get better

 

 

I understand you OP.

 

I have a partner like that. He is about to be 40 and has no career, goals, just expects everything to somehow work out in the end.

He has ADHD, which largely contributed to his lack of organisation and the eternal search for fun stuff to do, living day by day without long term plans, let alone any real dedication to implement such plans.

 

As far as why did OP stay with him... It is a process of getting to know someone. In the beginning you think it is natural for you two to have fun and that later he will show you his serious side. People usually keep it fun and light in the first few month, and maybe get comfortable to open up a bit later with more serious stuff... but then you realize it never comes and then you realize what ADHD really means, and how it affects his and yours lives. You read about it and you watch youtube videos about it and you realize you love a person with this issue. And you cannot just throw them out like they have plague but are trying to cope. This can be draining especially since you are the person more likely than a partner to be in search of solutions. These relationships cannot last unless he starts doing all the heavy lifting, since it is his issue, not yours. Or, you can change the way you feel about it (hard to do).

Unfortunately, the most likely scenario is that you end up being codependent, trying hard to "fix" someone, much like a wife of an alcoholic spends all her efforts going to the meetings that are meant for family of alcoholics, thinking what other thing hasn't SHE tried yet and what else can SHE do, how better to help him... In the meanwhile, the person with the issue (be it alcoholic or mental problem) has no issue at all with it. Very few of them have empathy (they don't have that mechanism developed in their brain) and determination that it takes to protect their partners from themselves.

 

I told you about my life now.

 

I am not saying it is the case with you, but it sounded like it from a few things you mentioned.

 

Take care of yourself first no matter what.

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Curious what criteria meets the terms of " grown up"?

 

Back in the day it was called The Peter Pan syndrome. is that perhaps a fair statement of this gent you are dating?

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Ha he's shockingly a great roommate.

 

Also I think this is the fastest way to evaluate compatibility... for better or worse

 

Since you're under the stress of a new job could this be a case of resenting that he's not acting as stressed out as you versus him needing to grow up?

 

My ex used to get mad if something was bothering her but she felt that I wasn't stressing out the same as her.

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