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Why do I tend to act insecure around men while I'm actually not an insecure person?


adilaurentis

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I've seen a lot of discussion online about how in relationships (or when dating) some women tend to be afraid of speaking up their minds, or putting up with unfair treatment, or not valuing themselves enough to expect commitment within a reasonable time frame. I find myself guilty of this not to the point that I become a pushover, but I do act super nice (probably too nice) a lot of times, and I've been considered very easygoing, which can be a curse when you're taken for granted. The thing is, I'm a wildly independent person and I'm fairly good at almost everything I do in life, and none of my friends and colleagues would describe me as insecure, so I'm confused why I can come off as "too easy" when it comes to men.

 

I feel like there's a fine line between not caring enough to give a crap about something and being too easy/accommodating, though. Sometimes I get all tough about something and act like I'm not offended or hurt while deep down inside I'm totally not okay with it. In some ways I think that's a self-defense mechanism since I don't want to wear the weak side of me on my sleeves. I guess I'm usually concerned about being too needy or demanding too soon that I'd push the other person away, so I'll act all "cool" like nothing is bothering me.

 

Some people say that men like women who challenge them, so being too nice, easy, and accommodating is doing exactly the opposite of that. I find it interesting because I only get "challenging" to friends I know very well or people I meet outside of the dating scene. Guess it's because I'm more relaxed then so my true self gets to come out. When I'm dating someone who I happen to like a lot, it's like I'm treading ice and watching my every step so closely.

 

Any insights on this topic would be much appreciated.

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I'm a man but I can relate. I'm also very non-confrontational and can be seen as a push over sometimes. But I'd argue that I'm fairly confident in myself.

 

My story is that I put up with a lot of what my ex did for reasons no other than "it probably wont affect me in a week", or "I can just forget about it". Mostly because I'm kind of lazy.

 

But the idea is if you're complacent about all the bad things that they do, people will naturally feel like they can push you more, more, and more. This is true not only in relationships but also in the workplace, friendship, etc.

 

I'd always tell my ex "If you cheat on me, of course I will leave". But because I was such an easy going, non-confrontational guy, I think she didn't take it to heart.

 

So of course one day my ex drunkenly kisses another guy. That made me absolutely furious. That was the one thing I couldn't "just forget". When she came home I confronted her about it straight on. Asked her repeatedly why she did it, even though I knew for a fact there wasn't really any reason other than just being drunk. I asked until she felt like ****. Made absolutely sure that she knew I was angry, and that I wasn't going to put up with it. She was terrified because I've never displayed my anger before.

 

She never did it again. She respected me far more after that too. I felt more at ease speaking my mind now(but of course still sparingly).

Up until that point I think she took a lot of what I did for granted.

 

People don't really take you seriously when you tell them "I have a line". At times you have to be confrontational about it if the other person is taking advantage of your nature.

 

I started feeling comfortable speaking my mind after being angry as f*ck once. At school and at work, I've began to speak out my mind at times. Ie if my coworker doesn't wanna do their work, I'll straight up tell them "I'm doing what you're not doing". But I'm still not the "complainer" type. I just say what needs to be said at times - without hurting that relationship.

Edited by radwimps
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Sometimes I get all tough about something and act like I'm not offended or hurt while deep down inside I'm totally not okay with it. In some ways I think that's a self-defense mechanism since I don't want to wear the weak side of me on my sleeves. I guess I'm usually concerned about being too needy or demanding too soon that I'd push the other person away, so I'll act all "cool" like nothing is bothering me.

 

Yes, your intuition about why you do it is correct.

 

- Sharing your true feelings makes you vulnerable. It puts your true self in a position to be judged, denied, degraded.

- Sharing your true feelings gives the other person a reason to walk away, reject you, or refuse to give you what you need/want.

 

But!

 

I can promise you that if you can work on this and get over it, you will be so much happier. Yes, some relationships may end when you say you aren't ok with what is going on. But the relationships you have will be so much happier and more honest.

 

This "being nice at the expense of myself" thing has been a life-long battle for me. Don't let it be one for you.

 

I know for me, it comes from growing up in a household where my opinions were fully discounted. Sharing my feelings meant risking a blow up or punishment.

 

Some people say that men like women who challenge them, so being too nice, easy, and accommodating is doing exactly the opposite of that. I find it interesting because I only get "challenging" to friends I know very well or people I meet outside of the dating scene. Guess it's because I'm more relaxed then so my true self gets to come out.

 

You don't have to be challenging. You don't have to stop being nice and easy and accommodating. You can speak up and be honest, and still be KIND about it. You can still allow the other person to hold on to his dignity and values. You can speak up without arguing or turning it into something big.

 

When I'm dating someone who I happen to like a lot, it's like I'm treading ice and watching my every step so closely.

 

The only thing worse that treading ice and walking on eggshells during early dating would be doing the same when married for 25 years because you helped create a dynamic where he gets and does whatever he wants since you never taught him that you have wants and needs and feelings too.

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Yes, your intuition about why you do it is correct.

 

- Sharing your true feelings makes you vulnerable. It puts your true self in a position to be judged, denied, degraded.

- Sharing your true feelings gives the other person a reason to walk away, reject you, or refuse to give you what you need/want.

 

Oh my goodness, your assessment here is incredibly accurate. I've had this discussion with a friend of mine on other people's behaviors, and now I just realized I'm exactly like that as well. Ha.

 

I can also relate to how the way we were raised can affect our personality so much. Actually I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and it reminds me that when I was young, my parents rarely complimented, spoiled, encouraged, validated, or doted on me, which made me feel quite inadequate as a child. They are not mean people but just incapable of "public display of affection" and they were afraid that if they gave me too much credit that I'd get all cocky and lazy. Of course the good thing that came out of all that is that I'm hugely independent and strong now as an adult; I guess the cost/consequence is now obvious, too.

 

It seems like when I really like somebody and want something to work, I'm so afraid of losing them. But I agree that the wrong people will flee anyway, and the right ones will not be put off by true feelings.

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I think it's a combination of not owning your voice and wanting to be liked more than wanting to be respected. More so, the desire to be chosen by that person is more important than how that person treats you; so you won't speak up when they stand you up or don't call for days on end then pop up at the last minute wanting to come by after 10p. When they throw out that crumb, it's mistaken as them choosing you when it's not.

 

A lot of times, the need to be liked will cause one to abandon their best interests so that they are accepted by someone whose behavior is telling them that they don't really care how their treatment towards them is being perceived. If it's more important that guy or girl to be with you, you're not going to proceed in a manner that will cause them to not like you.

Edited by kendahke
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I've seen a lot of discussion online about how in relationships (or when dating) some women tend to be afraid of speaking up their minds, or putting up with unfair treatment, or not valuing themselves enough to expect commitment within a reasonable time frame. I find myself guilty of this not to the point that I become a pushover, but I do act super nice (probably too nice) a lot of times, and I've been considered very easygoing, which can be a curse when you're taken for granted. The thing is, I'm a wildly independent person and I'm fairly good at almost everything I do in life, and none of my friends and colleagues would describe me as insecure, so I'm confused why I can come off as "too easy" when it comes to men.

 

I feel like there's a fine line between not caring enough to give a crap about something and being too easy/accommodating, though. Sometimes I get all tough about something and act like I'm not offended or hurt while deep down inside I'm totally not okay with it. In some ways I think that's a self-defense mechanism since I don't want to wear the weak side of me on my sleeves. I guess I'm usually concerned about being too needy or demanding too soon that I'd push the other person away, so I'll act all "cool" like nothing is bothering me.

 

Some people say that men like women who challenge them, so being too nice, easy, and accommodating is doing exactly the opposite of that. I find it interesting because I only get "challenging" to friends I know very well or people I meet outside of the dating scene. Guess it's because I'm more relaxed then so my true self gets to come out. When I'm dating someone who I happen to like a lot, it's like I'm treading ice and watching my every step so closely.

 

Any insights on this topic would be much appreciated.

 

act like I'm not offended or hurt while deep down inside I'm totally not okay with it

 

I think that's a self-defense mechanism

 

What you are describing is "dissociation" on the low side of the scale. It is a defense mechanism employed with the intent of blocking out negative emotions/feelings. The problem with that mechanism is that it is not discerning. In other words, while it is blocking and protecting you from negative/overwhelming emotions and thoughts even, it also blocks some of the positive emotions you might experience as well. In other words, there may be "vibes" from the women you are interested in that are good and should make you feel better and more confident, but they are being blocked too. This is part of the reason you feel insecure. You are not in touch with all of your emotions enough to balance things out.

 

Dissociating on the low end of the scale is really about suppression, which is a more conscious effort and that is good news because since you are aware of it and consciously employing it, you can with some effort manage it.

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It seems like when I really like somebody and want something to work, I'm so afraid of losing them. But I agree that the wrong people will flee anyway, and the right ones will not be put off by true feelings.

 

Exactly, however what people don't realize is that by not speaking up, hiding your true feelings, being "nice" all the time (even when you shouldn't be) and/or not defining clear boundaries with what you will and won't tolerate.... the very thing you don't want to happen.... will happen.

 

You will lose them!

 

Men/women know when they're not treating you right, or when they screw up, etc.... and will end up losing respect for their partner (and turning off)...when they're not called out on certain actions that they KNOW they should be.

 

No one respects a "pushover"....which is exactly how one comes across when they don't define boundaries.

 

Don't be afraid to rock the boat....when warranted. It will strengthen your relationship...not ruin it.

 

And if your speaking up and respecting yourself does ruin it....then you didn't have much to begin with anyway.

Edited by katiegrl
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I think it's a combination of not owning your voice and wanting to be liked more than wanting to be respected. More so, the desire to be chosen by that person is more important than how that person treats you; so you won't speak up when they stand you up or don't call for days on end then pop up at the last minute wanting to come by after 10p. When they throw out that crumb, it's mistaken as them choosing you when it's not.

 

A lot of times, the need to be liked will cause one to abandon their best interests so that they are accepted by someone whose behavior is telling them that they don't really care how their treatment towards them is being perceived. If it's more important that guy or girl to be with you, you're not going to proceed in a manner that will cause them to not like you.

 

You really hit the nail on its head. That's a perspective I've never considered. I agree that when I like someone a lot I'm afraid of losing them so I'm really concerned about how my reaction/behavior might be perceived by them. A recent example is when a guy agreed to see how the evening goes and potentially meet up with me after a party one weekend but completely lost touch late that evening, I justified his action with 1) We were only casually dating and he didn't owe me any explanations; 2) We were only tentatively planning the meet up and it wasn't a promise or set-in-the stone plan.

 

So although I was very uncomfortable about it, I didn't flip out or get angry when he got in touch the next morning and apologized. At the time I didn't want to come off as a needy, controlling person who might have been paranoid about a guy getting too involved with his friends for one evening, which could be a turnoff for a guy. Sometimes society encourages the "cool" girls too much. So instead, I got passive aggressive and sounded distant and less enthusiastic throughout the next day when we were communicating, without being too obvious about my discontent. He even suggested a meet up later to make up for it but I didn't want to be an afterthought so I didn't agree to it.

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So although I was very uncomfortable about it, I didn't flip out or get angry when he got in touch the next morning and apologized. At the time I didn't want to come off as a needy, controlling person who might have been paranoid about a guy getting too involved with his friends for one evening, which could be a turnoff for a guy. Sometimes society encourages the "cool" girls too much. So instead, I got passive aggressive and sounded distant and less enthusiastic throughout the next day when we were communicating, without being too obvious about my discontent. He even suggested a meet up later to make up for it but I didn't want to be an afterthought so I didn't agree to it.

 

To be honest you might be caring too much about societal standards and how he may perceive you. The story you describe here is a good example. What you perceive as societal standards are clearly dictating your action. I think you might be less confident than you'd like to think you are.

 

I don't think the guy did anything wrong. He said "maybe" meet up later. You guys also aren't bf/gf yet, so there should be no expectation about whether you should be offended by being someone's "afterthought". It wasn't even a promise to begin with!

 

Yes, you didn't get "angry" and you didn't come off as "needy/controlling" but you did become "passive aggressive" and "hard to deal with" from the guys' perspective. This is almost equally as bad.

 

I think just taking a step back and saying "yeah, sure maybe grab a bite next week?" would've sufficed. You might have too much ego or pride, or self-consciousness preventing you from being honest.

Edited by radwimps
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