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The previous experience is affecting my judgement


Strahatmak

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I've been seeing this guy for 1.5 month. We've met online, but we have mutual friends. Though a friend was not too approving this guy, I've found him an average guy with his good side and not-so-great side, and things go smooth on us. He's been texting everyday and we've had a lot of topics to talk. We've been seeing each other every week, and resepcting each other's spaces and social circles as well.

 

I said at the beginning that I would like to take it slow, and to know each other gradually. I'm affection for him but I want to take the dating wisely, too. He respects what I want. I understand that members here would disagree with my approach. This has a reason, though. I was in a very bad relationship with a possible NPD or BPD or a mix. I was stressed out to a point that I needed to visit a therapist. The end of the relationship, friends and I received threats, false accusations, stalking and degrading harassing messages for months. It costed me a lot, too; to name a few: my job, money, part of my social circle, etc. I went to therapist and counselling after that. The previous experience definitely is affecting me to judge whether someone is a sociopath or someone is just highly interested in me, his action is a red flag or is just putting a lot of efforts.

 

I can claim that I'm entirely out from my previous relationship. Phsyically zero contact, and mentally ready for a new life. It does affecting my judgement, though. Sometimes I would be wondering if this new guy is targeting me with a reason other then affection. There's no big red flag. He hasn't texted me like crazy or claimed how important I am to him. He hasn't yet involved in physical as well other then grabbing my shoulder when rushing across the street. He's been very respectful though I never tell him my previous ex, but he's trying to make me meet his friends, and trying to move our "relationship" out of shadow on social network, too.

 

For 1.5 months in, I would say I'd like to give it a bit more time, but many would disagree... I think I've lost the ability to judge that I used to have.

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm not sure why anyone would advise you NOT to give it a bit more time. It's only been a little over a month. As you said, there is no BIG red flag to speak of apart from your own fears.

 

Relax. Take it slow. Enjoy the moment until you have reason not to and if/when that time comes, kick his ass to the curb ;)

 

I know it's difficult but you have to try to not project your past insecurities onto him and punish him for the sins of your past relationships. If he's going to screw up then let it be his own doing.

 

Besides, this might be the best thing you've ever experienced even if it's not forever.

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After going through a BPD relationship you have every right to be a bit timid. Those relationships can leave huge scars that affect you for quite a while. I know, I've been there. And 2 years down the road I am still paranoid that I will accidentally end up in another one. So I try to relax, not make assumptions, and go nice and slow.

 

Have you told this guy about your past experience? You don't need to get into detail but a simple "I really like you and want to pursue things with you but I need you to know that I went through a really awful relationship that has left me a bit gun shy and hyper sensitive. Your patience and not going too fast is very refreshing."

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I second the above statement. If also say maybe it would be good to see a therapist as you navigate dating again just to give you an honest perspective so you can be more sure of your judgement.

 

Take it slow but do give him a general explanation.

 

Good luck!

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Thanks for the above advices, and wish you are well planb1973.

 

Recently he's posting pictures on social media. I feel a bit annoyed since we are not yet official. Sure I know there are people whining about their dates never make the relationship public, but I'm not a fan of social media when it comes down to family (protecting my immediate family to not-so-close-people) and personal relationship. I'm not sure what he means by doing that. Maybe you guys are right here, he deserves to know why I'm taking things slow.

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