Just need a bit of reassurance...

[radwimps]

I've been very close to this girl in university class for a while now. We've always worked together on school projects and got A together. She's quite serious about her studies.

 

We both flirt a lot, and I kind of began liking her so I asked her out a month ago. Our timing didn't match that weekend. I've never been turned down for a first date, but naturally, I thought maybe she didn't want to go - but she said "I promise we'll go to dinner at the end of semester" and "let's decide on a date now". So we decided that Dec 7th is our date.

 

The class after I asked her out - she did her hair really nice and got perfume on too. Though that didn't last that many weeks.

 

tl;dr: What could she possibly mean by this?

 

This week, she messages me:

Her : "Hey are you busy..? can I ask you a question?"

Me : "Sure?"

Her : "When you asked me to dinner, did you mean from a friend perspective or as a date?"

Me : "Hah. I was thinking more of a date but that depends on you too :)"

Her : "More of a date?"

Me : "Yep"

Her : "Maybe I want to ask about what is "more of a date", but maybe not now"

 

 

I'm confused. What's she thinking?

[smackie9]

My guess is that she was under the assumption you were just friends.....then she thought to ask you what this was all about a romantic date or friends hanging out. when you said date, this changes everything and now she is needs time to think about it.

[littlez360]

I would definitely listen to Smackie on this one... definitely a question for the mind of a woman that has established she knows a thing or two.

 

 

If you want my advice, I would try to express that at the very least you're interested in getting to know her and friends are a good thing too... Then you just gotta iron your cape and go to work...

Edited November 29, 2015 by littlez360

[radwimps]

Hmm... alright. Looks like I just gotta wait closer to date and play it cool for a while.

 

I just got stumped because every time I ask a girl out to dinner/shopping, etc, they usually can tell whether it's as "friends" or "date" by the context. This is the first time I've been explicitly asked.

[littlez360]

Hmm... alright. Looks like I just gotta wait closer to date and play it cool for a while.

 

I just got stumped because every time I ask a girl out to dinner/shopping, etc, they usually can tell whether it's as "friends" or "date" by the context. This is the first time I've been explicitly asked.

 

I wouldn't just sit back and wait. I suggest you still socialize with her prior to the date in this case... reassure her that you're completely open with the "date" leading you to just being friends. Don't give her time to get on the fence about the date just because you called it a "date".

[radwimps]

I have one more class with her before we go out, so hopefully ill get the discomfort out of the way during that time then. She seems to have little experience with dating so maybe she's overthinking it a bit.

She might've assumed date initially but because I've been so nonchalant this whole time she might've started getting confused.

 

I've been in enough relationships to know that first dates are barely anything in comparison to what you'll go through later. So I usually don't take first dates that seriously haha...

Edited November 29, 2015 by radwimps

[littlez360]

Yeah. I just wouldn't be so quick to assume that she doesn't have much experience. She may be reserved and questioning your intentions because she DOES have experience... Never assume anything about a woman... Just read between her eyes the best you can. You can't even rely on what she says sometimes...

I'm not going to try coaching you or anything, lol, I'm just an outside perspective. You came here for "reassurance" and I hope you got it somewhere in this.

[radwimps]

Yeah, I understand different perspectives a bit better now. It should help me communicate with her a bit better. Thanks!

[littlez360]

Let us know how it goes. Just tread lightly.

 

 

"The only thing I know for sure in life, is the mechanical condition of my rifle" - U.S. Marines

[radwimps]

Quick update. Saw her today for 4-5 hours. Flirty with each other as usual. If anything she's teasing me a lot more. No conversation about the text messages.

 

She got so repetitive with the teasing that I was starting to get irked out a bit. We were working in a group of 3 and the 3rd girl was starting to find it weird too.

Edited December 1, 2015 by radwimps

[radwimps]

I feel it's important to update since a lot of answers get advices but don't post what happens...

 

Anyways, today we saw each other in class for another 3 hours or so. I was curious so I asked her "why did you ask me whether it was a date or not?"

 

She said she initially thought it was as friends, then her friend pointed out to her that it might be a date. So she asked. I was like "lol k".

 

Hung out for another few hours after class, then went to dinner together. She asked me about my exgf, then told me she was going to china between jan~apr, and asked me whether she could text me twice a day. I was like "huh?", then she said "would you be annoyed if I texted you once a day then?". I used to date longdistance and didn't really like being in constantly in touch, but I said "Yeah I don't really mind." I also said "You do know we're not bf gf yet right?"

 

Since we sorta went out before the "date", we discussed maybe changing the day of the real date and our plans since she "didn't just want to go to another dinner again". She suggested lights and christmas markets and what not.

 

Overall I feel like it's moving in the right direction.

[BMI03]

Can ask if there is a 'English second language' aspect here perhaps? The way she worded that last statement (Her : "Maybe I want to ask about what is "more of a date", but maybe not now") made it seem to me like she took your answer similar to saying "...more than just a date...", rather than "...more of a date...". Just a thought, but it would make that last answer of hers make sense.

[justabottle]

This sounds like me before I got together with my boyfriend.

 

I asked the similiar question because my friend also prompted me about the "date" thing so I decided to ask him, and so then things when on, and now we're together!

 

From my persepctive, I asked that question because I sort of like him, and was wondering if he thought the same as well. So my friend told me to just ask, and what's there for me to lose anyway? So I did, and probably that's why she asked as well!

 

And it sounds like she is interested in you too, take the next "date" to find out more about each other! Have fun!

[radwimps]

Can ask if there is a 'English second language' aspect here perhaps? The way she worded that last statement (Her : "Maybe I want to ask about what is "more of a date", but maybe not now") made it seem to me like she took your answer similar to saying "...more than just a date...", rather than "...more of a date...". Just a thought, but it would make that last answer of hers make sense.

 

Yeah I think so too. She's fairly fluent in English but her understanding isn't perfect.

 

 

@justabottle

 

Thanks! We'll take it slow and steady

[Ic1]

I'm willing to bet her questioning the obvious, and being repetitive in the ways you describe during/after the date shows she's a little nervous around you now.

[Gaeta]

 

Hung out for another few hours after class, then went to dinner together. She asked me about my exgf, then told me she was going to china between jan~apr, and asked me whether she could text me twice a day. I was like "huh?", then she said "would you be annoyed if I texted you once a day then?". I used to date longdistance and didn't really like being in constantly in touch, but I said "Yeah I don't really mind." I also said "You do know we're not bf gf yet right?"

.

 

I have a feeling there are some cultural differences here. To you taking her out on a date doesn't mean anything to her it might mean you are now dating steady. That would explain her wanting to text you daily.

[radwimps]

Ok, so we chatted via text last night and she... was going ballistic for a misunderstanding.

 

The cultural misunderstanding is biting me hard in the ass right now. Apparently a "Date" in Chinese means "we're already boyfriend girlfriend". Is this even true?

 

Anyways, she said I was starting to act like I was her boyfriend because I called our next outing a "date". My natural reaction was "huh? no it's just a date, we're not bf/gf". And that I "trapped her into being bf/gf".

 

Me: "trap!? what? no lol. I even said we're not bf'/gf last time we met. All I did was call it a date lol"

Me: "I think there might be some misunderstanding? Let's do a phone call"

Her: "No you need to explain via messages"

Me: "Ok, I think we imagine different things when we say "date"... let's just leave it at that until we meet haha"

Her: "No! I'm sure we're thinking the same "date"."

 

She got really heated up. I kept it calm, no anger, no judgement. But she began saying some unpleasant things. I talk pretty much the same way I wrote above. I made absolutely sure not to offend her further but she kept going at it.

 

"I don't even know who you are anymore" (multiple times)

"I make the rules"

etc, etc

 

Now I'm seriously get irked about by this behaviour. I've had enough relationship experience to know that sometimes girlfriends just get stressed out and lash out for very little reason.(and usually apologize the next day). But we haven't really even started our relationship and already this. I'm borderline thinking of cancelling our next outing and just saying goodbye. I'm going to calm down a bit for a few days.

[kismetkismet]

Oh wow... that seems very unnecessarily dramatic when you haven't even been on your first date. You both clearly have very different expectations of dating, what it means, and what you expect from one another which can create huge difficulties in the best of situations. But she's not even willing to discuss those potential differences with you in a calm and communicative way..

[radwimps]

Oh wow... that seems very unnecessarily dramatic when you haven't even been on your first date. You both clearly have very different expectations of dating, what it means, and what you expect from one another which can create huge difficulties in the best of situations. But she's not even willing to discuss those potential differences with you in a calm and communicative way..

 

Yeah, ive been with these types of people and you just cant communicate with them because they're so difficult to work through issues with.

 

I think ill give her one chance. If she cancels before our next "outing", ill just tell myself i dodged a bullet and forget about it

[testmeasure]

In some families the family members can argue very intensely, and openly express a lot of emotion. Part of the environment that allows for open intense expression of emotions is a background presumption that any argument is confined to the subject mater at hand and does not impact or reflect on the underlying relationship or family bond.

 

 

In other families, if a person so much as raises their voice, it can mean that someone's probably not going to be talking to someone for months. Here the mere act of raising ones voice is taken as already being a serious violation of the underlying relationship and family bond.

 

 

If someone from the second kind of family goes to a personal family dinner with someone from the first kind of family, it can be shocking.

 

 

Cultures can be like this too.

 

 

In particular, at work I have seen it happen with people from China and people from India. The people from China can be very outspoken and animated about any disagreement or issue that comes up. Meanwhile the people from India are very reserved. They would never get that animated about something unless they had totally "lost it". So when they see the Chinese person do it, they expect the Chinese person to act aggressively, unpredictably, and irrationally.

 

 

Particularly if she's opening up to the idea of being closer, it's possible she experienced it as just being open and expressive about the particular issue that she feels needs to be fixed. At the same time, she may not expect open, direct, expressive, intense communication to effect anything else other than the subject mater she's actually talking about.

 

 

Funny thing is, you may both have a serious real concern about wanting to move at the right pace and not call yourselves bf/gf too soon. You may have expressed the concern in kind of a light hearted, joking manner as a means of playing down the seriousness and diffusing any emotional effect. She may have been completely unable to understand that. She may have expressed the same concern in a very open, direct manner with full expression of her feelings on this subject and this subject alone.

Edited December 5, 2015 by testmeasure

[radwimps]

She's definitely speaking her mind... but not sure if I want her to "make the rules" all the time. It seems a bit excessive and I never liked being nagged/controlled in relationships.

 

I understand there's a difference in culture (I'm born Chinese too, grew up in North America), but I'm fairly sure she's acting excessively.

[radwimps]

um, last update

 

everything's going well now. went on 3rd date. not physical yet, but we're moving in the right direction. I found out that she got very argumentative with me in the text because she seems to always feel a bit marginalized in certain groups of people at the time(She always felt the need to speak up in general).

 

Anyways, we're taking it slow and steady. pretty good now.