Your thoughts on snooping?

[basha]

Is there ever a good reason to snoop? Is snooping ever excusable?

 

Last week I found out that my SO of almost a year has been keeping a HUGE secret from me. It's the reason why he has lied or otherwise omitted information on several occasions and now I know why there has been this unexplainable (to me) constant strain in our relationship.

 

He is angry that I snooped, I'm angry that he deceived me.

 

I wasn't snooping when I discovered the information, even though he is convinced that I was, but that's neither here nor there because I looked through it anyway. I did it because I started having my suspicions. It was a "woman's intuition" gut feeling kind of thing and I was right.

 

Now, I don't think I was wrong for snooping. I asked him about the issue several times in the past and he continued to lie, knowing I trusted him fully.

 

The way I see it, you can't blame someone for snooping when you have given them a reason to. You are the one in the wrong for being dishonest and manipulative. Had I not found out, he would have continued to deceive me and, if things worked out, taken my future into his hands without me knowing any better.

 

He said he didn't tell me because I wouldn't have given him a chance if I had known, and now he doesn't know if we have a future because he can't trust me. That I should have waited for him to come out with it, when he was ready and at the right time. I call BS.

 

What do you guys think?

[ExpatInItaly]

Is there ever a good reason to snoop? Is snooping ever excusable?

 

Last week I found out that my SO of almost a year has been keeping a HUGE secret from me. It's the reason why he has lied or otherwise omitted information on several occasions and now I know why there has been this unexplainable (to me) constant strain in our relationship.

 

He is angry that I snooped, I'm angry that he deceived me.

 

I wasn't snooping when I discovered the information, even though he is convinced that I was, but that's neither here nor there because I looked through it anyway. I did it because I started having my suspicions. It was a "woman's intuition" gut feeling kind of thing and I was right.

 

Now, I don't think I was wrong for snooping. I asked him about the issue several times in the past and he continued to lie, knowing I trusted him fully.

 

The way I see it, you can't blame someone for snooping when you have given them a reason to. You are the one in the wrong for being dishonest and manipulative. Had I not found out, he would have continued to deceive me and, if things worked out, taken my future into his hands without me knowing any better.

 

He said he didn't tell me because I wouldn't have given him a chance if I had known, and now he doesn't know if we have a future because he can't trust me. That I should have waited for him to come out with it, when he was ready and at the right time. I call BS.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think if someone feels the need to snoop, they already know something is off. Either the other party is hiding important information or we're too insecure to trust. I don't mean you were insecure, OP - just stating in general terms.

 

What did you discover?

[Ami1uwant]

Details behind thus matters.

 

How would you have reacted if he told you what you thought?

[AspenBaldwin]

I'm kind of a voyeur myself, so whatever rocks your boat.

[hippychick3]

If you feel the need to snoop, there is a serious lack of trust. If there is a lack of trust that serious, what is the point of the relationship?

 

Given you already snooped and found "damaging" information, I think you both will have trust issues from here on.

 

I would be livid if my bf snooped, and I have absolutely nothing to hide.

[smackie9]

In the days before cel phones and the internet, when the relationship is "strained" and couldn't get answers, we just dumped the person.....problem solved.

[Wewon]

I'll be totally honest, I'm more concerned with the rationale than the snooping itself. Keep in mind that the reasons that you use can be the same reasons that he could used to snoop on you.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I'm all for snooping if there is a reason to do it!

 

Unfortunately, experience tells me that when we even feel there is a reason to snoop, that means that trust and communication is not where it should be and it's time to go.

 

I read a recent study that said over half of all people surveyed from failed relationships cited social media as a factor in their reason for breaking up. I don't know your situation exactly, but I am almost willing to bet my limbs that it has to do with electronic communications and sneaking around.

 

We are all going to hell.

[Maggie4]

You mean something like you went through his pockets and found suspicious receipts or love note from a woman? Well, you can't confront him unless you're ready to walk.

[basha]

I think if someone feels the need to snoop, they already know something is off. Either the other party is hiding important information or we're too insecure to trust. I don't mean you were insecure, OP - just stating in general terms.

 

What did you discover?

 

Discovered some things about his past marriage and daughter so, by extension, lies about his finances and schedule/whereabouts.

 

I agree, I snooped because something did feel off. For the past month or so his stories weren't adding up and weirdness in his tone/body language and everything whenever I had questions.

 

You are right though, I admit I did get insecure to trust when I got the feeling that something wasn't right, but for 9-10 months or so I was never that way and had no problem at all trusting him. I had 110% confidence in him and in our relationship up until recently.

[basha]

Details behind thus matters.

 

How would you have reacted if he told you what you thought?

 

I don't understand. What do you mean?

[basha]

I'll be totally honest, I'm more concerned with the rationale than the snooping itself. Keep in mind that the reasons that you use can be the same reasons that he could used to snoop on you.

 

Do you mean my rationale for snooping? It was a feeling that something wasn't right. Woman's intuition, gut feeling, inner voice and whatnot. Interesting that that is more concerning. How so?

 

I don't have anything to hide so if he had those same feelings and he snooped he would find that his radar was off. I dont think I've ever given him or any of my exes a reason to feel that something wasn't right because I've always been very honest and forthcoming. The snooping would be based completely on his insecurities, not anything that I've done or inconsistencies on my part like he has been guilty of lately.

[basha]

I'm all for snooping if there is a reason to do it!

 

Unfortunately, experience tells me that when we even feel there is a reason to snoop, that means that trust and communication is not where it should be and it's time to go.

 

I read a recent study that said over half of all people surveyed from failed relationships cited social media as a factor in their reason for breaking up. I don't know your situation exactly, but I am almost willing to bet my limbs that it has to do with electronic communications and sneaking around.

 

We are all going to hell.

 

Lol you can keep your limbs, it wasn't social media but his phone. Our phones were next to each other and we have the same text tone. He got a text while taking shower and I looked over thinking it was mine. He got about 10 texts in a row and it was all I needed to see. He is convinced I looked through his phone on purpose while he wasn't in the room, but he'll believe what he wants to believe so there's not a lot I can do about that.

 

I believe that study though. Facebook and Instagram have caused fights and even breakups amongst my friends and colleagues. Sad, really.

[basha]

You mean something like you went through his pockets and found suspicious receipts or love note from a woman? Well, you can't confront him unless you're ready to walk.

 

I have already confronted him per my first post. Also said I didn't intentionally go looking for info, so no I didn't go through his pockets or anything like that. I never have and the thought never crossed my mind.

[basha]

Unfortunately, experience tells me that when we even feel there is a reason to snoop, that means that trust and communication is not where it should be and it's time to go.

 

Want to add that I totally agree with this. I communicated my concerns and asked him about things beforehand and he just kept lying. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, I guess, and needed concrete proof to believe otherwise. Trust and communication were definitely gone.

[Buddhist]

Is there ever a good reason to snoop? Is snooping ever excusable?

 

and now he doesn't know if we have a future because he can't trust me. That I should have waited for him to come out with it, when he was ready and at the right time. I call BS.

 

What do you guys think?

 

That's classic manipulation to project onto the person confronting you instead of taking responsibility. You are right to call BS. He is trying to divert attention away from the real issue by focusing on you instead.

 

Yes there are good reasons to snoop. As you said, you had a general sense of unease about things for a while. That's your alarm bells going off telling you something is off. I generally adhere to the idea that you shouldn't go looking for trouble because you'll invariably find it. But at the same time if you have a strong sense that something is off in a situation then I do believe you should follow where it leads, knowing full well it's likely to lead to you discovering something unpleasant.

[basha]

Yes there are good reasons to snoop. As you said, you had a general sense of unease about things for a while. That's your alarm bells going off telling you something is off. I generally adhere to the idea that you shouldn't go looking for trouble because you'll invariably find it. But at the same time if you have a strong sense that something is off in a situation then I do believe you should follow where it leads, knowing full well it's likely to lead to you discovering something unpleasant.

 

My sentiments exactly.

[basha]

That's classic manipulation to project onto the person confronting you instead of taking responsibility. You are right to call BS. He is trying to divert attention away from the real issue by focusing on you instead.

 

Wow okay now that I think about it he never actually admitted or apologized for anything! The whole time he was focused on what *I* did and how wrong *I* was and steered the conversation away from what I discovered and his lies. Ugh!!

[Gaeta]

Discovered some things about his past marriage and daughter so, by extension, lies about his finances and schedule/whereabouts.

.

 

One year into dating is his finance really your business? Unless you were planning on getting married or something like melt together your finances I don't see why you feel entitled to know about his finance

[basha]

One year into dating is his finance really your business? Unless you were planning on getting married or something like melt together your finances I don't see why you feel entitled to know about his finance

 

I wouldn't be dating him or any man for that matter if we weren't on the same page about eventually heading towards marriage. I can support myself, but I need to know his status too.

 

This question surprises me though. Even if you weren't planning on getting married, a year into dating, why wouldn't your SO's finances be your business when dates, meals, trips, etc. cost money? Not being condescending, genuinely curious because I think it's an important consideration when planning things.

Edited November 29, 2015 by basha

[Gaeta]

I wouldn't be dating him or any man for that matter if we weren't on the same page about eventually heading towards marriage. I can support myself, but I need to know his status too.

 

This question surprises me though. Even if you weren't planning on getting married, a year into dating, why wouldn't your SO's finances be your business when dates, meals, trips, etc. cost money? Not being condescending, genuinely curious because I think it's an important consideration when planning things.

 

If he can come up with his share of money for trips, meals, entertainment then why that he has a child support or alimony to pay your business? If you are not engaged then your talk about marriage is just that, talks. The day he propose to you than ask him to put is full financial situation on the table in front of you, before that it's not really your business

[Wewon]

Do you mean my rationale for snooping? It was a feeling that something wasn't right. Woman's intuition, gut feeling, inner voice and whatnot. Interesting that that is more concerning. How so?

 

I don't have anything to hide so if he had those same feelings and he snooped he would find that his radar was off. I dont think I've ever given him or any of my exes a reason to feel that something wasn't right because I've always been very honest and forthcoming. The snooping would be based completely on his insecurities, not anything that I've done or inconsistencies on my part like he has been guilty of lately.

 

 

So if you walked in and saw him rifling through you purse and said it was because of his 'gut feel' or 'intuition' you would be okay? Otherwise you would be a hypocrite.

 

The problem with this type of reasoning is that its always different when its turned on us for some reason.

[basha]

If he can come up with his share of money for trips, meals, entertainment then why that he has a child support or alimony to pay your business? If you are not engaged then your talk about marriage is just that, talks. The day he propose to you than ask him to put is full financial situation on the table in front of you, before that it's not really your business

 

I see, now I understand. This might just be a difference in beliefs because I think it is my business because it affects our relationship and my life. I don't have to know *everything* but I do want to have an idea of where he's at so I can be realistic about what we can and can't do. For example, in January we are supposed to take a trip overseas, but he kept lagging on planning, saying he's just been busy but he'll take care of it soon... only to find out it's because of money problems. I would have never suspected it, but if I had known I would have said no to the trip or pay for it myself. There were also times when I wanted to do certain things and he would just want to stay home, and I began to think he just didn't want to go out with me anymore, that he was getting "comfortable," etc. but it turns out it was due to money issues. Do you see where I am coming from?

 

As for marriage talks, in he context of how my relationships have been, I take that seriously with or without a proposal.

 

For the record I don't nor have I ever ASKED about his or any man's financial situation. Who does that??? It was just something that naturally came up when talking about our careers, goals and future (where we want to live, house we want to buy, etc.) so that is why I was intrigued by your question. Is this not the norm?

[TunaInTheBrine]

I remember a few months ago I was snooping on my new girlfriend's Twitter account to see she had posted pictures of her and some shirtless guy roaming sand dunes together. I confronted her about it immediately. She denied any romantic involvement, of course, until she admitted a day later she was cheating on me with him.

 

Bottom line: trust your gut. This person made me feel uneasy right from the start. I even tried to end things with her before they got serious. She pursued me relentlessly and told me she was "the most loyal girlfriend ever" and I wouldn't regret being with her. It was literally right after we made things official she cheated on me.

 

Yeah, trust your gut.

[basha]

So if you walked in and saw him rifling through you purse and said it was because of his 'gut feel' or 'intuition' you would be okay? Otherwise you would be a hypocrite.

 

The problem with this type of reasoning is that its always different when its turned on us for some reason.

 

Yes I would be okay with it because I have nothing to hide (he can go through my phone, social media and emails if he wanted to). I would then address why he had those gut feelings, in case it really was something I did, then apologize and clear it up so he doesn't feel that way anymore. I'd also ask why he didn't talk to me first, but I wouldn't be upset or anything over it.

 

It really wouldn't bother me. Unless he's the insecure, jealous type who habitually feels the need to snoop. That would be when I wouldn't be okay with it.