Ladies: What makes a guy "too much to handle"?

[renaissanceryan]

I'm Ryan.

 

To give you a high-level descriptor of myself, I'm 28, college educated, live in a top 50 metropolitan city in the US, and I currently work in business - I also do piano performances a few times a month and run a solo business doing freelance videography for additional side income. When I'm not doing those activities, I enjoy working out, dancing, playing sports, traveling, and going out on the town with friends.

 

The other night I went out on an incredible first date with a woman and had an absolute blast. We went to three different places, had dinner, drinks, and went out dancing. In discussion, we held a lot of the same views and values [religion, family, fitness, politics, etc], we had pretty good sexual chemistry [there were plenty of flirtatiousness and innuendos], we danced together where there was plenty of touching, gyrating, and the occasional kiss. She even initiated the first touch, by holding my hand as we walked down the sidewalk from place 1 to place 2. The end of the night ended with me driving her back to her car as we were singing out loud an 80's tune on the radio together. By all accounts, WE showed each other a great time.

 

I wake up this morning to this text:

 

"Hey - I had so much fun last night, thank you for a great time! However, I feel like you are too much for me to handle. Good luck with finding someone!"

 

 

I honestly don't even know what to make of that. When someone says, what are they actually saying?

 

Forum, I humbly seek your counsel, and observations. Help me understand.

 

I feel that another woman that I went on a few dates with about a month ago, ended things prematurely with a similar sentiment - in that they enjoyed spending time with me, found me attractive [their exact words were "have you ever done any modeling before? you should."], but ultimately I'm too much to handle.

 

If anything, this could just help me better qualify women that DON'T think I'd be 'too much to handle' so I'm at least spending my time on someone where things could go somewhere.

 

Thank you for reading and your consideration, and I appreciate any and all input.

[KatZee]

I literally have no idea what she means. I think she just needed some sort of excuse to let you down.

 

Might they mean something else? Too intimidating? Maybe they lack sufficient self-esteem to date someone who appears to have their entire life perfected down to the tiniest dot? Maybe they think they aren't good enough for you?

 

Not so much that you're "hard to handle" but that they might not live up to whatever expectations you have for a partner. I can see how it would be exhausting to date someone who just had such a full life, while the other person was just kind of coasting, not all that interesting, no real goals or things going on?

Edited November 28, 2015 by KatZee

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman, I'll chime in.

 

I have never told a man that, but it very much depends on how your present yourself on a date. I have a friend (female) who is involved in all sorts of things and she talks endlessly about it. Her schedule is very busy with work, social activities, etc etc. While that works for some people, I find it a bit exhausting even as her friend, because she never seems to be able to just chill and relax. She has a drive/need to always be doing something and I know a man once told her she doesn't appear to be able to just "go with the flow" sometimes.

 

She's always talking about the next event she's going to, is always trying to fill up her schedule and even just meeting her for coffee becomes a brainstorming session, and suggestions about what to do next time we meet. I know she is this way with men too. It's a bit overwhelming.

 

I don't know if that's the case here, but just offering my two cents.

[KatZee]

Or maybe they felt like you just had so much going on that they wouldn't be able to handle such a full life, of attending your family gatherings, friend's events, and going with you to this and that, that they'd be expected to join you with if you were dating, and it would be hard to just... be. And relax.

 

(Expat got it in before I was finished editing)

[xcupid]

She might feel that you have a different lifestyle than hers and she couldn't keep up to you. Maybe your first dates have too much going on and it overwhelms these women.

[Qboro90]

Sounds odd, from what you described it looks like a fun filled date that kept you both excited and engaged with one another .

 

The only thing I can think of is that maybe she isn't the party, drinking, bouncing from place to place or bar to bar kind of girl... She could be the type that is ok with grabbing dinner then would prefer going home to sit and lay with you on the couch instead of gong out for a post dinner drink.

 

The multiple places you went, dancing, constant movement may have been something she's not into doing with her bf's. While it may have been fun for 1 night she got the vibe that you are a very lovely person who is active and enjoys going out and Doing things. My best guess is that she wants a more laid back quiet kind of guy.

 

Don't take it personally. I think that most girls would find that date you went on with her to be outstanding and would be eager to see you again as it's more of an adventure than a date. So keep doing what you're doing. This one just wasn't the right match.

[SwordofFlame]

I read online dating profiles of women that are career oriented and also have loads of interests and hobbies. I never message them because I'm nowhere near as interesting. I wouldn't be able to "keep up" so to speak. Maybe she doesn't think she could "keep up" with you?

[TunaCat]

I am a woman who doesn't get intimidated easily, but your description of yourself makes you sound like you are always doing something and don't have much time to just relax and hang out with your closest friends/family. Sounds like she leads a different, possibly more relaxed lifestyle.

 

No one's fault, you two just aren't compatible.

[regine_phalange]

I don't know what she meant.

I personally would say this if I didn't feel good enough for somebody - in a bad way > feeling like I have to "better" myself constantly.

[lana-banana]

I wouldn't read too much into this and agree she was trying to let you down in the most encouraging way possible. I live in one of the USA's biggest cities and you sound exactly like me and all my friends: late 20s, six-figure job, healthy with lots of artsy hobbies, etc. We yuppies want to think we're special but we're a dime-a-dozen, especially with the advent of online dating.

[Maggie4]

Hi Ryan, since you are being rejected, the "too much to handle" is probably an euphemism for something not very good.

I think "Daffy Duck" would be too much for me to handle. Like if you talk nonstop, too loud, bouncing off the walls. Once I actually met a guy who couldn't stand still. When waiting in line, he bounced up and down. That's what I would call too much to handle.

[Buddhist]

I honestly don't even know what to make of that. When someone says, what are they actually saying?

 

Forum, I humbly seek your counsel, and observations. Help me understand.

 

I feel that another woman that I went on a few dates with about a month ago, ended things prematurely with a similar sentiment - in that they enjoyed spending time with me, found me attractive [their exact words were "have you ever done any modeling before? you should."], but ultimately I'm too much to handle.

 

It means that she will feel insecure in a relationship with you because she imagines that you will eventually leave her for someone else. She doesn't feel like your equal and can only forsee heartbreak in it for her. She'd rather be with someone on her level and less intimidating.

 

Short answer - you're dating in the wrong gene pool. Date women with higher self esteem.

[AspenBaldwin]

She just wanted a free dinner

 

Or... was a woman with no extra activities who thought she was too boring for a guy so complete as you are.

[lop98]

I live in one of the two big US cities and most people I know, myself included, have more than one job and multiple activities outside of it. I only know one guy that's 100% in the "you're too much to handle" category. It's one party promoter guy that, like ExpatinItaly mentioned, is always doing everything but unlike the rest, whether you see him doing that everything or not is unimportant because he will let you know, over and over, and then some more. Lots of talk about his 4 jobs, name-dropping, the places and neighborhood he's been to that same day. He's not a bad person, he's actually a nice guy, it's just that I feel like the moment you hang out with him, you're suddenly invaded by extreme "me and my job and me and my life" talk.

 

A friend slept with him and we all asked her if he ever talks about something besides himself, she said he does, so maybe it's just how he comes across socially... either way it's too much.

[smackie9]

You are too high energy from what I gather from your post.

[Samhain]

She thinks you might be gay.

[Samhain]

And I'm not even kidding.. My sister had a date once with a guy who sang with her at an 80s karaoke disco and then they danced and even though she really liked him she said "it was just too much I can't go for that he's either really intouch with his feminine side or gay"

[spiderowl]

If I said that about a guy (and that's just me, not women in general), I would probably mean he was too impulsive and go-getting for me. I'd prefer someone more careful and considered. I wouldn't want to always be leaping into the next exciting thing for the sake of it. I'd want a more reassuring, controlled guy (not controlling, controlled), someone with discretion and a sense of what is appropriate. As I said though, that is just me and may not have been anything to do with her reasons.

[lino]

This discussion simply shows that women really don't know what they want.

 

You have your Sh#t together which is what you always hear them saying they want, yet you're too much?

 

A more accurate guess in my view is that the girl simply wasn't attracted to you enough. I've never heard a woman reject a guy because he was too much (in terms of perfection).

[lino]

And I'm not even kidding.. My sister had a date once with a guy who sang with her at an 80s karaoke disco and then they danced and even though she really liked him she said "it was just too much I can't go for that he's either really intouch with his feminine side or gay"

 

Heaven forbid a guy likes to sing and dance!! He must like it up the A$s then

[Popsicle]

Maybe she thinks you're like Gaston in "Beauty and the Beast".

[basil67]

I'm on the team with those who think that it's probably about you having so much on. She probably wonders how she'd keep up and how you'd find time to see her

[Wewon]

I'm Ryan.

 

To give you a high-level descriptor of myself, I'm 28, college educated, live in a top 50 metropolitan city in the US, and I currently work in business - I also do piano performances a few times a month and run a solo business doing freelance videography for additional side income. When I'm not doing those activities, I enjoy working out, dancing, playing sports, traveling, and going out on the town with friends.

 

 

Is this the way you normally speak about yourself?

 

If so I would say that "too much to handle" means that it sounds like you don't really have a lot of focus or down time.

 

Maybe you should try being more in the moment and reveal your personal information on an as needed basis.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Is this the way you normally speak about yourself?

 

If so I would say that "too much to handle" means that it sounds like you don't really have a lot of focus or down time.

 

Maybe you should try being more in the moment and reveal your personal information on an as needed basis.

 

There were my thoughts too. Did you communicate all of that to her on the date, Ryan? The fact you felt it necessary to prefix your post with SO MUCH detailed information about yourself to me indicates that for some reason you want people to have a particular image of you. You want them to know you're successful, educated, interesting, in demand, cultured, busy... fine, but let people find those things out slowly, bit by bit.

 

If I was on a date with a guy and he was like all 'so I was educated here and I live here, did you know my city is in the top 50 for whatever!? I work in business, oh and I'm a professional level pianist too, at least one entire night per week I'm performing, I also dance, work out, play sports, travel, see friends...' I'd be thinking he probably didn't have time for a relationship. I'd get the impression he wanted a partner who could keep up with him, and despite the fact that I'm also educated, have a career, enjoy my hobbies, have important friendships, the way you describe yourself screams either over committed, or boastful.

 

I think the suggestion to be in the moment, and let things come out as and when they're appropriate, is a good one. Focus on how you two get on with your conversation, the way you bounce off each other, concentrate on asking your date all about her rather than making sure she knows everything about you.

 

Someone similarly busy and bouncing from one thing to another constantly might thrive off your manner, although it would be hard to find time to see each other, but for most people that sounds exhausted. One of the nicest things about a relationship is not having to go out constantly just to be social, spending time in alone with your partner, just relaxing and having some downtime.

 

I might be way off the mark but it's one perspective to consider. I would say that to a guy if I felt like to be with him I'd have to be constantly busy, on the go, entertaining him or fighting for his attention... or maybe she just picked a random phrase to use because she didn't feel attracted to you, we could all be overanalysing for nothing!

[Glitters]

While you planned a good date , from your perspective. Lots of going out etc etc, it all was how you wanted it but not she. She probably has a laid back approach and it was too much for her. Rightly so. There is nothing wrong in what you planned ( packed date ) but it wasn't her style. Incompatibility.

 

First few dates should be low key , to get to know others likes , dislikes , etc and from there plan the next date. If one is a complete outdoor person and the other indoor type, you will either clash or find a middle way. You kind of forced everything on her and expected her to be on board with it.