I don't understand why he did this...

[Effleurer]

I've been dating a boy for about two years now and we've had our difficulties just like anyone else. To give a little back story on our relationship we dated while he was attending law school in the city I live in, broke up when he took a job in another state, realized we didn't want to be without each other and got back together again to try long distance. We argued on occasion, mostly about misunderstanding each others tone while texting, but nothing too detrimental.

 

Then he met a girl where he lived in Utah and started spending a lot of time with her. She would come over his place and they would cook together, watch movies together, go out together, etc. I approached him about this and he got upset telling me that it is completely platonic because he does not date Mormon girls but part of me was still worried.

 

He moved to Washington DC, so we're a lot closer now, and this mormon girl moved to Boston to start attending graduate school here. He asked me if when he visits me he could visit her beforehand. I was upset initially, I asked him if I could meet her and we argued for another five hours over whether or not I could, and him saying he didn't want me there because he would feel like I'm watching him waiting for them to both flirt with each other. He finally agreed and said it would be fine if I joined in at the end and we all got ice cream together. I said that was fine and I understood he wanted time with his friend.

 

Now here's where I'm getting upset. He has no family where he lives so I asked him if he would spend Thanksgiving with me. He told me that because he's an attorney and has too many hours he wouldn't be able to take Friday off and wouldn't be able to come down. I understood. Yesterday he told me he was on a train to NYC to spend Thanksgiving with friends from Law School. I was upset and he explained that he was only able to stay until Friday morning because he had to be at work Friday morning. I understood. Two hours later he asked me for some ideas for the weekend because he was planning on staying the entire time -- and then I saw him tagged in a photo with the girl that I'm concerned over. They met halfway NYC to have thanksgiving together with his friends and to spend the weekend together. I began to be really upset and sent him messages that displayed I was really hurt. He told me that he didn't care, that he omitted it and lied because he knew I would overreact and he would do it again, he wouldn't tell me if he saw her and hung out with her again. He then told me that he should be the one that should be leaving because I overreacted and he told me the next time I 'overreact' he wouldn't deal with me again.

 

Now I don't know what to do. Am I in the wrong? I feel upset that he would deny plans with me to spend the holiday with another girl and admit he was going to lie to me about it and continue to. But, I don't know if I'm the reason why he's acting this way. Should I be taking the blame?

 

There are other things like this that have been upsetting to me. For example, he took off to Texas with an ex and shared a hotel room with her to save on the cost. He thinks that as long as he's not cheating he's not doing anything wrong. He also has a hard time introducing me to people as his girlfriend. He's slowly getting better about it and told me he just has a hard time saying the word 'girlfriend' and would rather say 'friend', so obviously his friends do not know about me, only his family. (he's never been in a long term relationship before). He also tends to criticize me a lot, mostly calling me irrational, unable to hold an intellectual debate, aggravating, etc.

 

I'm really unconditionally in love with this guy and I compromise in a lot of different ways in order to make the relationship work. Are these things that are okay to accept? Should I try to make this work and hope he's willing to compromise in the future? Can this be fixed? It's hard to walk away from this feeling but I don't want to be weak and submissive.

[CarrieT]

It can't be fixed.

 

He is lying to, playing you, and keeping you on a back burner while he is obviously putting her first.

 

You are not a priority to him. Your unconditional love isn't enough to make this work. Time to call the relationship over....

[GrapeJuice]

Wow why are you still with him wondering if you're in the wrong?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, really?

 

He's obviously falling for this other girl - he prioritizes time with her over you. Then he tries to make you feel bad for his sketchy behaviour. The writing is on the wall here. I would end this relationship immediately because it's heading in a very bad direction.

[Buddhist]

He told me that he didn't care, that he omitted it and lied because he knew I would overreact and he would do it again, he wouldn't tell me if he saw her and hung out with her again. He then told me that he should be the one that should be leaving because I overreacted and he told me the next time I 'overreact' he wouldn't deal with me again.

 

he just has a hard time saying the word 'girlfriend' and would rather say 'friend', so obviously his friends do not know about me, only his family. (he's never been in a long term relationship before). He also tends to criticize me a lot, mostly calling me irrational, unable to hold an intellectual debate, aggravating, etc.

 

Are these things that are okay to accept? Should I try to make this work and hope he's willing to compromise in the future? Can this be fixed? It's hard to walk away from this feeling but I don't want to be weak and submissive.

 

Okay, now go back and read the top two paragraphs I quoted then read your last one. You'll know the answer.

 

When someone trots out the over-reacting/irrational label then you know they are projecting. Think about it, if you were doing these things do you think he'd be reacting similarly? But somehow it's over-reacting when you do it, because he wants everything his own way.

 

Cut him loose and find someone better. He's been lying to you for some time now and it's out in the open. The only question is what are you doing to do for yourself?

[Sylvia Smith]

I've been dating a boy for about two years now and we've had our difficulties just like anyone else. To give a little back story on our relationship we dated while he was attending law school in the city I live in, broke up when he took a job in another state, realized we didn't want to be without each other and got back together again to try long distance. We argued on occasion, mostly about misunderstanding each others tone while texting, but nothing too detrimental.

 

Then he met a girl where he lived in Utah and started spending a lot of time with her. She would come over his place and they would cook together, watch movies together, go out together, etc. I approached him about this and he got upset telling me that it is completely platonic because he does not date Mormon girls but part of me was still worried.

 

He moved to Washington DC, so we're a lot closer now, and this mormon girl moved to Boston to start attending graduate school here. He asked me if when he visits me he could visit her beforehand. I was upset initially, I asked him if I could meet her and we argued for another five hours over whether or not I could, and him saying he didn't want me there because he would feel like I'm watching him waiting for them to both flirt with each other. He finally agreed and said it would be fine if I joined in at the end and we all got ice cream together. I said that was fine and I understood he wanted time with his friend.

 

Now here's where I'm getting upset. He has no family where he lives so I asked him if he would spend Thanksgiving with me. He told me that because he's an attorney and has too many hours he wouldn't be able to take Friday off and wouldn't be able to come down. I understood. Yesterday he told me he was on a train to NYC to spend Thanksgiving with friends from Law School. I was upset and he explained that he was only able to stay until Friday morning because he had to be at work Friday morning. I understood. Two hours later he asked me for some ideas for the weekend because he was planning on staying the entire time -- and then I saw him tagged in a photo with the girl that I'm concerned over. They met halfway NYC to have thanksgiving together with his friends and to spend the weekend together. I began to be really upset and sent him messages that displayed I was really hurt. He told me that he didn't care, that he omitted it and lied because he knew I would overreact and he would do it again, he wouldn't tell me if he saw her and hung out with her again. He then told me that he should be the one that should be leaving because I overreacted and he told me the next time I 'overreact' he wouldn't deal with me again.

 

Now I don't know what to do. Am I in the wrong? I feel upset that he would deny plans with me to spend the holiday with another girl and admit he was going to lie to me about it and continue to. But, I don't know if I'm the reason why he's acting this way. Should I be taking the blame?

 

There are other things like this that have been upsetting to me. For example, he took off to Texas with an ex and shared a hotel room with her to save on the cost. He thinks that as long as he's not cheating he's not doing anything wrong. He also has a hard time introducing me to people as his girlfriend. He's slowly getting better about it and told me he just has a hard time saying the word 'girlfriend' and would rather say 'friend', so obviously his friends do not know about me, only his family. (he's never been in a long term relationship before). He also tends to criticize me a lot, mostly calling me irrational, unable to hold an intellectual debate, aggravating, etc.

 

I'm really unconditionally in love with this guy and I compromise in a lot of different ways in order to make the relationship work. Are these things that are okay to accept? Should I try to make this work and hope he's willing to compromise in the future? Can this be fixed? It's hard to walk away from this feeling but I don't want to be weak and submissive.

 

He is playing around with you! Run, girl! You need to get out of this relationship pronto. Why on earth would you be all docile and be willing to accept such behavior? You are not in the wrong at all - and believe me, you are not overreacting either. Any girl in her right mind would stand up for herself and never accept this. Just stop all communication with him; he's no good for you. If he comes back, tell him you are not okay and will never be okay with the way he treats you. In a few days, you will know and get over this 'unconditional love'.

[mystikmind2005]

90% chance you are in an 'open' relationship without knowing it. Even if the 10% left over is true, then at the very least, he is disrespecting you and the relationship to a degree that is beyond ludicrous.

[Effleurer]

Thanks, guys. I've definitely thought about all these things and tried to consider the fact that I'm not perfect either. I do tend to react to him hurting me, and I'll break up with him, only to beg for him to take me back. Mostly because my emotions are too escalated to ask for an explanation before reacting. It's something that I've been working on. This is the first time I've done it again since February of this year.

 

I also don't want to feel like I'm being insecure. I've never known the way he behaves to ever be okay but I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's an extremely friendly guy and I know he has friends of both genders. Right now I'm worried about him admitting he won't be honest with me. Regardless of my reaction that's one of the most disrespectful things you can say. It stops feeling like a relationship at that point.

 

I feel crazy and pathetic and it's so helpful knowing there are supportive people out there to give me an outside look into this.

 

I wish there was another way through this besides out the door. I just think he might not understand my feelings and I wish I was able to help him learn how to compromise, understand, and grow with me.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Effleurer

[mystikmind2005]

These type of friendly outgoing guys are very attractive to women, and can be as hard to give up as a drug addiction.

 

But honestly, he doesn't sound like he is all that bothered if the relationship ends. That tells you it is not all that valuable to him.... and that is why he is happy to go and do whatever he likes with other women.

[GrapeJuice]

I wish there was another way through this besides out the door. I just think he might not understand my feelings and I wish I was able to help him learn how to compromise, understand, and grow with me.

 

 

You are not his mother.

[pcs13]

You need to work on your boundaries.

[Effleurer]

You need to work on your boundaries.

 

In what way do you mean?

[KatZee]

Honestly, this "other" woman is more of his girlfriend than you are. That's why I quoted the word other. He puts her first, spends holidays with her, doesn't care about how you feel about that, and even said he'd lie to you and hide it from you to do it again.

 

100% they've hooked up/are hooking up/will continue to hook up.

 

And "You need to work on your boundaries" means:

 

- You don't let people disrespect you

- You don't let people lie to you

- You don't let people cheat on you

- You don't remain in relationships with people who do all of the above to you.

[xcupid]

Ditch him.

[smackie9]

You are kidding yourself......you have been replaced, harsh but true. He's been lying to you long enough don't you think?

[VeveCakes]

Do you have any long term plans to live together? You have been dating two years now...

 

I would have to agree she is actually the girlfriend. Hanging out, meeting her in another city for the holidays...is he just keeping you around as a back up?

[Effleurer]

No long term plans to move in together. We are both settling into new careers. I'm 24 and he's 27. He has traditional values, I knew this when we first started dating.. He wont move in with someone unless he's married. That's something I can respect.

 

The problem is I don't think anything is going on between them. I think he has an emotional connection with her, and that troubles me, of course, but I believe him when he says he won't start anything romantic, her religion would make things very difficult, and he did agree for me to meet her. It's the behind my back thing that I'm worried about.

 

Anyone want to take the devils advocate approach and defend him so I can see both sides of the argument or is it not possible?

[CarrieT]

It is not possible.

 

He will find excuses to never have you two meet.

 

And I believe he has hooked up with her also....

[VeveCakes]

No long term plans to move in together. We are both settling into new careers. I'm 24 and he's 27. He has traditional values, I knew this when we first started dating.. He wont move in with someone unless he's married. That's something I can respect.

 

The problem is I don't think anything is going on between them. I think he has an emotional connection with her, and that troubles me, of course, but I believe him when he says he won't start anything romantic, her religion would make things very difficult, and he did agree for me to meet her. It's the behind my back thing that I'm worried about.

 

Anyone want to take the devils advocate approach and defend him so I can see both sides of the argument or is it not possible?

 

How can you think nothing is going on, even if they aren't sleeping together she is in the girlfriend role and you aren't - that is something!

 

OP - how can you allow your boyfriend to "date" someone else in front of your own eyes? No boundaries here at all...the whole situation is very strange.

[Effleurer]

How can you think nothing is going on, even if they aren't sleeping together she is in the girlfriend role and you aren't - that is something!

 

OP - how can you allow your boyfriend to "date" someone else in front of your own eyes? No boundaries here at all...the whole situation is very strange.

 

I love him, I guess. I feel like I will always want to give him the benefit of the doubt until I can't anymore. Trying to let my trust expand way past what everyone else knows as normal, but I guess the important takeaway is regardless I need to be a relationship that makes me feel respected and loved by my partner and I need to make sure I never forget that.

[introverted1]

 

Then he met a girl where he lived in Utah and started spending a lot of time with her. She would come over his place and they would cook together, watch movies together, go out together, etc. I approached him about this and he got upset telling me that it is completely platonic because he does not date Mormon girls but part of me was still worried.

 

Now here's where I'm getting upset. He has no family where he lives so I asked him if he would spend Thanksgiving with me. He told me that because he's an attorney and has too many hours he wouldn't be able to take Friday off and wouldn't be able to come down. I understood. Yesterday he told me he was on a train to NYC to spend Thanksgiving with friends from Law School. I was upset and he explained that he was only able to stay until Friday morning because he had to be at work Friday morning. I understood. Two hours later he asked me for some ideas for the weekend because he was planning on staying the entire time -- and then I saw him tagged in a photo with the girl that I'm concerned over. They met halfway NYC to have thanksgiving together with his friends and to spend the weekend together. I began to be really upset and sent him messages that displayed I was really hurt. He told me that he didn't care, that he omitted it and lied because he knew I would overreact and he would do it again, he wouldn't tell me if he saw her and hung out with her again. He then told me that he should be the one that should be leaving because I overreacted and he told me the next time I 'overreact' he wouldn't deal with me again.

 

The problem is I don't think anything is going on between them. I think he has an emotional connection with her, and that troubles me, of course, but I believe him when he says he won't start anything romantic, her religion would make things very difficult, and he did agree for me to meet her. It's the behind my back thing that I'm worried about.

 

Anyone want to take the devils advocate approach and defend him so I can see both sides of the argument or is it not possible?

 

Devil's avocate approach?

 

Even if what I've bolded is accurate, all he has said is that her religion is the reason he wouldnt pursue her romantically, when what he SHOULD be saying is that he is committed to you, loves you, etc.

 

There are other things like this that have been upsetting to me. For example, he took off to Texas with an ex and shared a hotel room with her to save on the cost. He thinks that as long as he's not cheating he's not doing anything wrong. He also has a hard time introducing me to people as his girlfriend. He's slowly getting better about it and told me he just has a hard time saying the word 'girlfriend' and would rather say 'friend', so obviously his friends do not know about me, only his family. (he's never been in a long term relationship before). He also tends to criticize me a lot, mostly calling me irrational, unable to hold an intellectual debate, aggravating, etc.

 

I cannot find anything in all the words you've written tha suggest this guy actually cares about you.

 

Why are you in this relationship?

[katiegrl]

I love him, I guess. I feel like I will always want to give him the benefit of the doubt until I can't anymore. Trying to let my trust expand way past what everyone else knows as normal, but I guess the important takeaway is regardless I need to be a relationship that makes me feel respected and loved by my partner and I need to make sure I never forget that.

 

You love him....

 

So... if he were *physically* beating the crap out of you ...would you stay because you *love him*?

 

Just because he is not physically abusing you...he is emotionally abusing you (yes what he is doing is a form of emotional abuse)....but you love him...so will stay and give him benefit of the doubt ....when it is obvious (at least to all of us) that there IS no doubt.

 

But good luck....wish you the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks, guys. I've definitely thought about all these things and tried to consider the fact that I'm not perfect either. I do tend to react to him hurting me, and I'll break up with him, only to beg for him to take me back. Mostly because my emotions are too escalated to ask for an explanation before reacting. It's something that I've been working on. This is the first time I've done it again since February of this year.

 

I also don't want to feel like I'm being insecure. I've never known the way he behaves to ever be okay but I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's an extremely friendly guy and I know he has friends of both genders. Right now I'm worried about him admitting he won't be honest with me. Regardless of my reaction that's one of the most disrespectful things you can say. It stops feeling like a relationship at that point.

 

I feel crazy and pathetic and it's so helpful knowing there are supportive people out there to give me an outside look into this.

 

I wish there was another way through this besides out the door. I just think he might not understand my feelings and I wish I was able to help him learn how to compromise, understand, and grow with me.

 

OP, come on.

 

The man went to law school so he's clearly not a dummy. He knows how you feel; he just doesn't care enough to stop seeing this other woman. You shouldn't feel as though you need to a teach a grown-ass man how to respect you. He's not a little boy with zero real-world experience.

[Lois_Griffin]

No long term plans to move in together. We are both settling into new careers. I'm 24 and he's 27. He has traditional values, I knew this when we first started dating.. He wont move in with someone unless he's married. That's something I can respect.

 

The problem is I don't think anything is going on between them. I think he has an emotional connection with her, and that troubles me, of course, but I believe him when he says he won't start anything romantic, her religion would make things very difficult, and he did agree for me to meet her. It's the behind my back thing that I'm worried about.

 

Anyone want to take the devils advocate approach and defend him so I can see both sides of the argument or is it not possible?

You're probably the only one who would defend him because you have an emotional stake in doing so, and I understand that. You've already defended him by claiming he has 'traditional values' but I guess those values don't include respecting you and being honest with you.

 

He purposely LIED to you and claimed he couldn't get away for the holiday and it was only through a random posted picture in Facebook that you learned the truth. Then when you confronted him, he treated you like crap. He's a real 'traditional values' kind of guy, alright.

 

Not.

 

I think you're fooling yourself if you believe his bullcrap story about her being a 'Mormon' so it's impossible that he'd date her. It's not like he's looking to marry her, but he's definitely romantically involved with her. And if you think they were ONLY cooking dinner and watching movies together completely platonically back in Utah, then I have some beachfront property in Arizona I'd like to sell you.

 

I think it's time you took off the rose-colored glasses and read the writing on the wall.

 

Find someone who will actually respect you and appreciate you for the loving and trusting person you are.

 

He's not the one.

[Lois_Griffin]

And I believe he has hooked up with her also....

Of course they have. And I'd also be willing to bet he's probably told this girl that he's no longer with OP. He sounds like a real slick operator.