Am I Over-Reacting

[Jane_Tee_11]

First, I'm new to dating this year after about 15 years. I've been on many 'get to know you' dates with men. A couple of months ago I realized it was a lot of work and that maybe I just needed some time on my own.

 

Someone I've sort of known for a decade or more recently jumped through all kinds of hoops to get my phone number and call me after finding out I am now single. It was incredibly flattering. We went on a date or two and he was moving very, very fast. Telling me how happy he was, etc. He then asked me what I "thought of us" and when I hesitated he got upset and left. We eventually talked about it and sorted it out, and had several conversations around how much we both liked each other, etc.

 

Lately he has been waffling on making plans with me, I find myself sitting around a lot trying to figure out if we have plans, and/or feeling let down when he cancels our unconfirmed plans at the last minute. He owns a business and his evening hours are his busiest. I get that. It seems he is only interested in making last minute plans and I never know if it is going to happen.

 

Last night was too much for me. He contacted me about 9, asking if I wanted to get together. I said yes and asked what he was thinking, he then waffled, and then eventually said he was tired and going home instead. Within a few minutes I canceled the plans we had today. I was mad and knew I'd likely be moody today and ruin the day. He is now really miffed that I canceled our plans today. Our plans were volunteering at a soup kitchen, and it already had plenty of volunteers, so I felt comfortable canceling.

 

It seems there is a bit of a double standard on who is expected to be available for who, and who can cancel on who without repercussion.

 

Am I being too sensitive here and overreacting?

[smackie9]

You both are clashing because you are not on the same page. You both have very different ideas on what is important so this just isn't going to work.

 

If I were you I wouldn't invest anymore time on this. There's a match for you out there somewhere, just don't try to force it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think his moving too fast can be attributed to the long familiarity he had with you, so I don't think that should be compared with the random suitor on the street in the same way.

 

 

His idiotic waffling needs to be conditioned out of him if you are to maintain any interest in continuing to date him. and you are free to TELL HIM so.

 

Just, basically, start saying: "I want you to make a plan, and keep it, dependably... and I don't give a #@&% what the plan IS... just make one, and keep it" (... then we'll let you make a second plan)

[mystikmind2005]

I don't think there is any use dating this type of unreliable person.

 

What are you going to do when you find yourself sitting alone at a table in a restaurant?

 

What are you going to do when you find yourself on a weekend trip away in a hotel room booked for two and you are alone?

 

What are you going to do when you find yourself standing at the alter in a wedding dress and he is nowhere to be seen?

 

He is useless, that is why he is single, and until he gets that through his thick ignorant head, he should remain single.

[Jane_Tee_11]

I am posting here out of frustration and disappointment rather than texting or calling him. It is frustrating and confusing for me that he came on so strong, says many things that make me think he was something with me, then backs off an all but disappears from me. He give minimal answers to my texts, will take my calls, but does not reach out to me first. Then, at the last minute, he ran off 1,000 miles away for "road therapy". WTF? I get it that is about him, and it is not about me. It is probably time for me to acknowledge that I simply lack the emotional strength to be getting involved with anyone just yet. Incredibly frustrating, I wish he would have just left me alone in the first place instead of contacting me and saying and doing things that have ultimately left me feeling confused and frustrated and foolish for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

[katiegrl]

I am posting here out of frustration and disappointment rather than texting or calling him. It is frustrating and confusing for me that he came on so strong, says many things that make me think he was something with me, then backs off an all but disappears from me. He give minimal answers to my texts, will take my calls, but does not reach out to me first. Then, at the last minute, he ran off 1,000 miles away for "road therapy". WTF? I get it that is about him, and it is not about me. It is probably time for me to acknowledge that I simply lack the emotional strength to be getting involved with anyone just yet. Incredibly frustrating, I wish he would have just left me alone in the first place instead of contacting me and saying and doing things that have ultimately left me feeling confused and frustrated and foolish for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

 

Unfortunately, what happened to you is quite common. Men coming on like gangbusters, then pulling back...fading or ghosting.

 

There are tons of similar threads from women posting the same thing.

 

Check out Surfergirl's thread for example..... same thing!

 

Please don't feel foolish ...all you did was positively respond to a man who, until he pulled away, gave every indication that he was sincere and into you.

 

Some people are just messed up in the head ...nothing you can do about it except move on and vow to never have anything to do with him again. He's a loser.

 

I am sorry you're hurting though...time heals.

 

Block him!

Edited December 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I am posting here out of frustration and disappointment rather than texting or calling him. It is frustrating and confusing for me that he came on so strong, says many things that make me think he was something with me, then backs off an all but disappears from me. He give minimal answers to my texts, will take my calls, but does not reach out to me first. Then, at the last minute, he ran off 1,000 miles away for "road therapy". WTF? I get it that is about him, and it is not about me. It is probably time for me to acknowledge that I simply lack the emotional strength to be getting involved with anyone just yet. Incredibly frustrating, I wish he would have just left me alone in the first place instead of contacting me and saying and doing things that have ultimately left me feeling confused and frustrated and foolish for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

 

For him it was all about the fantasy. The unobtainable, "the chase". Now you know he isn't worth the time or energy. Believe me, you will look back in a year from now and be annoyed with yourself for not dumping him sooner.

 

Maybe you weren't ready to date, or perhaps you just don't have the emotional strength to put up with this rubbish. If you were dating a nicer guy it would have been a much easier transition.

 

There is nothing worth holding on to here, dump him.

[supersot]

Honestly he sounds like a controlling headcase from what you've described..I would not be texting him or setting up further plans with him.

 

Anyone who cancels plans last minute several times, especially in the beginning of a courtship, has no regard for your time. Move on to someone reliable who shows you the respect you deserve.

[Wewon]

Someone I've sort of known for a decade or more recently jumped through all kinds of hoops to get my phone number and call me after finding out I am now single.

 

It was incredibly flattering. We went on a date or two and he was moving very, very fast. Telling me how happy he was, etc. He then asked me what I "thought of us" and when I hesitated he got upset and left.

 

We eventually talked about it and sorted it out, and had several conversations around how much we both liked each other, etc.

 

Lately he has been waffling on making plans with me, I find myself sitting around a lot trying to figure out if we have plans, and/or feeling let down when he cancels our unconfirmed plans at the last minute.

 

He owns a business and his evening hours are his busiest. I get that. It seems he is only interested in making last minute plans and I never know if it is going to happen.

 

Last night was too much for me. He contacted me about 9, asking if I wanted to get together. I said yes and asked what he was thinking, he then waffled, and then eventually said he was tired and going home instead. Within a few minutes I canceled the plans we had today. I was mad and knew I'd likely be moody today and ruin the day. He is now really miffed that I canceled our plans today. Our plans were volunteering at a soup kitchen, and it already had plenty of volunteers, so I felt comfortable canceling.

 

It seems there is a bit of a double standard on who is expected to be available for who, and who can cancel on who without repercussion.

 

Am I being too sensitive here and overreacting?

 

No, you are not being too sensitive.

 

If anything you're being too frickin' patient, this guy sounds like a pain in the a$$.

 

I couldn't deal with the weird intensity from trying to get your number to walking out in a huff then to waffeling and back to storming. He needs to find more of a even keel.

[Jane_Tee_11]

I text him today letting him know that I'm unsure of what happened between us, but that I was remorseful for my part of whatever killed it, that I had to let him know so it would be easier for me to make peace with it and move on.

 

His responded that I needed to go back and re-read some of my texts to him. It seems he is committed to having the worst possible interpretation of my texts. That's a red flag, this I know.

 

I don't really have any regrets for texting him though. I'm a firm believe is going the extra mile to take responsibility for my part of a relationship failure. I need to hold firm though, that his negativity is too much work for me. I find it draining.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Dating isn't supposed to be this hard.

 

Good call to move on. Not worth beating your head against a wall.

[Jane_Tee_11]

As ridiculous as this sounds, it has been 47 hours. I know it will get easier for me. I keep reminding myself that I went through something similar with another person, and just Friday night I set him up on a date with one of my friends and they are getting along great. I'm happy for both of them. Some day I will be 'over' the current guy too. It is just a matter of white-knuckling through it.

 

 

It sucks that he is constantly at a coffee shop right by my house and he drives a huge vehicle, very difficult to miss it, and it is the only way out of my neighborhood. He has been going there for years, long before meeting me, so I don't expect him to stop. It just sucks I have to be reminded of him every damn morning.

[Jane_Tee_11]

When it comes to NC, I realize I made a mistake, but I had to let him know that I know what is going on.

 

He was working on reconciling with his previous relationship the majority of the time he was seeing me. Instead of admitting this to me, he then focused in on a couple of things I said, twisted them out of context, and is holding firm to throwing them back in my face.

 

 

What I realized today is that I am stronger than that, and that I can avoid taking that bait. I let him know that I know he is back together with her, he again threw some things I said back at me and blamed me for his reconciliation. My response to him was that I care about him, that I want him to be happy, whether that is with me or with someone else or all on his own. I emphasized that I am happy for him, because if I can be happy for other people, then I am more likely to recognize and find my own happiness in this world. However, I let him know his dishonesty was painful for me.

 

 

What I've learned from all of this is that I have much love to give, and I am capable of avoiding getting bogged down in the pettiness. I know I need to take great care, in the future, of who I choose to get involved with, to make sure that they can and will function on a similar level.

 

 

It feels good to be focusing on myself and what I need to learn and take away from all of this instead of obsessing over him. I can tell I've turned a corner, and recognize he is gone, long gone, and that I don't want him anyway. I need someone who is capable of recognizing his own vulnerability, fear, sadness, etc. rather than becoming entrenched in myopic blaming and believing he is above reproach to buffer himself from recognizing that he was deceitful and dishonest with me.

[introverted1]

We went on a date or two and he was moving very, very fast. Telling me how happy he was, etc. He then asked me what I "thought of us" and when I hesitated he got upset and left.

 

This would already be way too much drama way too soon in my book. And this level of drama rarely decreases as the relationship progresses.

 

Is this what you want?

[Buddhist]

We went on a date or two and he was moving very, very fast.

 

Lately he has been waffling on making plans with me, I find myself sitting around a lot trying to figure out if we have plans, and/or feeling let down when he cancels our unconfirmed plans at the last minute.

 

Last night was too much for me. He contacted me about 9, asking if I wanted to get together. I said yes and asked what he was thinking, he then waffled, and then eventually said he was tired and going home instead.

 

Am I being too sensitive here and overreacting?

 

No. It's unreasonable to expect others to make last minute plans just because that's the lifestyle he prefers. To be honest, this guy does not sound healthy. Rushing into a relationship then throwing a tantrum the instant things don't go his way. Then the push pull afterwards in order to condition you to a life of instability with him. Get rid of him now. This will never get better, it will only get worse. He's playing a power game in order to establish a relationship he can control.

 

Forget about how flattering his initial attempts were, he's a jerk and won't suddenly not be one once you enter a relationship with him. You can find better.

[Jane_Tee_11]

Thank you.