Told me he didn't want to define our relationship then did this.

[pcs13]

He went out of his way to surprise me with a ticket for a workshop he knows I would love to go but couldn't afford it. He doesn't have much money at the moment so he could only afford one and gave it to me. That made me so happy I couldn't show him how much it means to me.

 

Thing is he just told me few days ago he didn't want to define our relationship, after asking me where it's heading. I don't understand why he did such a nice gesture like that. He didn't need to do it at all because i'd still be happy with us now.

 

One more thing, what can I do to show him how much I appreciate what he did? Wanna take him out for dinner but I wouldn't be able to afford nice restaurants. I dunno how to cook either.

[BrocasHelm]

You worry too much. There's no contradiction between him not wanting to define your relationship and him showing he likes you with this gift. That was sweet of him, just enjoy it without torturing yourself.

 

And to thank him, I'll say do with your budget. Can't afford a nice restaurant? How about a homely pizzeria that makes delicious pizzas for cheap? Trust me from a guy's perspective, it's the thought that matters, he will love being invited by you, no matter if it's pricey or not.

[littlez360]

Sounds like something I would say and do...

In almost every relationship I think I've expressed in some way that I'm not necessarily looking for anything particular, don't want to label us anything, and just let things play out. Then I think about if for a while after saying that, and I always enjoy showing her she's special and I sweep her off her feet.

Don't over analyze it, but understand that the whole "label speech" doesn't mean he's on the fence, it's just a guys way of saying "I'm open to whatever happens" and also leaving room for his "ego" to be saved just in case you were to reply by saying "you don't know if you're ready" or something...

Just let things play out, but express that it means a lot to you, he'll show you in some way if the gift is a result of new feelings for you or not.

[hippychick3]

Because he doesn't want to define the relationship doesn't mean he doesn't care. There are many emotionally unavailable men (I'm not saying this is what he is) who can still be loving and affectionate and caring. I've had men go out of their way to do thoughtful things for me and they weren't boyfriend material.

 

You don't have to reciprocate equally. Just be receptive and appreciative. If you wanted to make him dinner, that would be sweet. But it's not necessary to buy him a gift too.

 

Just noticed that you don't cook.... order a pizza and some beer and invite him over (providing he's already been to your house and it's not an invitation for sex).

Edited November 26, 2015 by hippychick3

[smackie9]

A way to a man's heart is through his stomach......learn how to cook....seriously.

 

Go to the Kraft website. They have amazingly cheap and simple recipes that only takes 20 mins to make.

[SwordofFlame]

If you know what one of his sexual fantasies are, maybe make it a reality for him?

[RedRobin]

when a guy says he doesn't want to label things, it means he wants you as a FWB or eff buddy.

 

I wouldn't read anything into this gesture at all... I also wouldn't knock myself out to reciprocate. A sincere thank you is all that is required. Don't get sucked in by men wanting to keep things loose and vague. It's a smokescreen, and something they do once in awhile to keep you in the corral. Nothing more.

 

Take it from a woman who works around all men...

 

Otoh, if you feel like reciprocating without any expectations, then fine.

[katiegrl]

He went out of his way to surprise me with a ticket for a workshop he knows I would love to go but couldn't afford it. He doesn't have much money at the moment so he could only afford one and gave it to me. That made me so happy I couldn't show him how much it means to me.

 

Thing is he just told me few days ago he didn't want to define our relationship, after asking me where it's heading. I don't understand why he did such a nice gesture like that. He didn't need to do it at all because i'd still be happy with us now.

 

One more thing, what can I do to show him how much I appreciate what he did? Wanna take him out for dinner but I wouldn't be able to afford nice restaurants. I dunno how to cook either.

 

pcs ....I read your previous thread and honestly girl, your behavior (mixed messages, etc) have been just as wishy-washy as his! And he is most likely just as confused as you are.

 

When he asked you "what are we doing....where is this going?" .....why weren't you honest with him?

 

You are trying to pretend like you are this cool chick who is totally cool with *going with the flow* ...when clearly that is not the case!

 

Okay he is still on Tinder ...but so are you!

 

You both need to stop playing these silly games ....and be HONEST with each other.

 

He tried by asking where you're relationship is going and my guess is your cool response caused him to, in turn, try to be cool too...

 

He bought you the ticket because he is into you and cares about you....duh! Guys who want to keep things cool, open and light, DO NOT ask "what are we doing, where is this going?"

 

That was your opportunity to tell him you want an exclusive relationship ....which given HE was the one to bring the topic up ....so does he!

[Vyliss]

First of all, respect that people need different lengths of time to do things. Just because he's not operating on your time schedule, doesn't mean he won't eventually get there. Communicate that you want to give him time, but that you're also keen to move the relationship forward.

 

Second, how you can show you appreciate it is simply say "Thank you. I really appreciate this."

 

You don't need to do anything beyond this. I would even risk going as far as to say you should definitely NOT take him out to dinner (which I assume you're going to pay for too right?), because he is NOT your bf. He doesn't get special gf treatment unless he's your bf.

[pcs13]

pcs ....I read your previous thread and honestly girl, your behavior (mixed messages, etc) have been just as wishy-washy as his! And he is most likely just as confused as you are.

 

When he asked you "what are we doing....where is this going?" .....why weren't you honest with him?

 

You are trying to pretend like you are this cool chick who is totally cool with *going with the flow* ...when clearly that is not the case!

 

Okay he is still on Tinder ...but so are you!

 

You both need to stop playing these silly games ....and be HONEST with each other.

 

He tried by asking where you're relationship is going and my guess is your cool response caused him to, in turn, try to be cool too...

 

He bought you the ticket because he is into you and cares about you....duh! Guys who want to keep things cool, open and light, DO NOT ask "what are we doing, where is this going?"

 

That was your opportunity to tell him you want an exclusive relationship ....which given HE was the one to bring the topic up ....so does he!

I think I'm still entitled to feel this way, even if it's hypocritical. I had a week where I was really worried about our relationship but most of the time I'm happy. The title is not important to me tho it does make me feel a bit more secure about his feelings for me tbh. I told him I didn't need a relationship because I wanted to take off the pressure from us which did work. We've gotten closer to the point he pulled that question "where we are going?". I do want to be his Gf but I haven't felt like he's let me get close to him enough so I'm fine with where we stand now. I did try to be cool but I'm not doing it anymore so I will have the talk with him this weekend hopefully.

 

About me being on Tinder. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else so is he but I can't give it up unless he does it first. Double standard I know but I want a guy to want me and I will give him as much as what he gives me. That's why I want him to ask me to be his gf, it shows that he wants me enough.

[pcs13]

First of all, respect that people need different lengths of time to do things. Just because he's not operating on your time schedule, doesn't mean he won't eventually get there. Communicate that you want to give him time, but that you're also keen to move the relationship forward.

 

Second, how you can show you appreciate it is simply say "Thank you. I really appreciate this."

 

You don't need to do anything beyond this. I would even risk going as far as to say you should definitely NOT take him out to dinner (which I assume you're going to pay for too right?), because he is NOT your bf. He doesn't get special gf treatment unless he's your bf.

It's true maybe I don't need to go that far because I do nice things for him all the time and I deserve to be treated this way. I did say I couldn't wait to show him how much it means to me though so I'm now trying to figure how I'm gonna do that!

 

Already gave him that sexual fantasy every guy has. He's a lucky guy!

[katiegrl]

I think I'm still entitled to feel this way, even if it's hypocritical. I had a week where I was really worried about our relationship but most of the time I'm happy. The title is not important to me tho it does make me feel a bit more secure about his feelings for me tbh. I told him I didn't need a relationship because I wanted to take off the pressure from us which did work. We've gotten closer to the point he pulled that question "where we are going?". I do want to be his Gf but I haven't felt like he's let me get close to him enough so I'm fine with where we stand now. I did try to be cool but I'm not doing it anymore so I will have the talk with him this weekend hopefully.

 

About me being on Tinder. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else so is he but I can't give it up unless he does it first. Double standard I know but I want a guy to want me and I will give him as much as what he gives me. That's why I want him to ask me to be his gf, it shows that he wants me enough.

 

I don't even know how to respond to this ^^....it is such convoluted thinking, chock full of mixed messages and contradictions, MY head is spinning ....I can only imagine how this guy must feel dating you!

 

Good luck hun, hope it all works out.

Edited November 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[juicygirl]

Based on just what you posted I'd think he's keeping you on a thread, "I don't want you, but I don't want you to go anywhere either" kinda move.

 

Then I read the part where you said you're on Tinder and you told him you don't need a title. Now I think the poor guy is confused and doesn't want to invest too much in to this incase you run away or something.

[candie13]

cook him dinner (something really yummy and insanely easy). stop giving him mixed signals. keep constantly intouch. I bet your RS will be defined in less then 2 weeks if you stick to these rules

[katiegrl]

cook him dinner (something really yummy and insanely easy). stop giving him mixed signals. keep constantly intouch. I bet your RS will be defined in less then 2 weeks if you stick to these rules

 

OP is so insecure, she's compelled to make developing a *relationship* as difficult and confusing as possible for him ...... by actually telling him (or implying) she DOESN'T want a relationship, she doesn't want to define it, she doesn't want a title (even though she DOES want ALL those things)....to see how hard he chases her to convince her otherwise, "break her down" and commit to a relationship.

 

It's her little *shyt test* to see how much he cares ....it's mean, cruel actually.

 

She is exactly the type of girl the guys on this board complain about, saying one thing but meaning another. Mixed messages, contradictory, confusing, hypocritical behavior.... she admitted it herself!

 

I never understood what these guys were talking about until reading this this thread and her others

 

I get it now guys!

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[pcs13]

OP is so insecure, she's compelled to make developing a *relationship* as difficult and confusing as possible for him ...... by actually telling him (or implying) she DOESN'T want a relationship, she doesn't want to define it, she doesn't want a title (even though she DOES want ALL those things)....to see how hard he chases her to convince her otherwise, "break her down" and commit to a relationship.

 

It's her little *shyt test* to see how much he cares ....it's mean, cruel actually.

 

She is exactly the type of girl the guys on this board complain about, saying one thing but meaning another. Mixed messages, contradictory, confusing, hypocritical behavior.... she admitted it herself!

 

I never understood what these guys were talking about until reading this this thread and her others

 

I get it now guys!

I believe I'm not as bad as you've described me. I agree that my posts really do make me sound like that though, English is not my first language and I have a hard time expressing my feelings and thoughts. They are not always clear. I don't know what I want and neither does he! Things are not always black and white and I'm trying to figure things out hence my posts on here.

 

There were only about 10 days where I felt lost due to the PMS so I posted something depressing on here. We all have days like that. I'll explain it again.

 

3 months in we still hadn't felt a deep connection. I told him I didn't think things would work out between us which he agreed. At the time we both felt uncertain about our relationship but we were willing to give it a try. I told him exactly how I felt, that at one point I would want more than that. He told me he didn't want to string me along but want to give it time and see where it goes. I then told him I also have to think about whether I really need a relationship or not (I just broke up with my ex few months ago). Few days later I told him I didn't NEED a relationship which is true. No one should NEED to have a relationship.

 

After that conversation we got closer and closer. He opened up to me more then had the courage to ask me that question (he's not good at showing his feelings with words). I appreciated that but I didn't know what I want. Half of me want to have a relationship because it's what we supposed to be at this point, after 4 months of dating and everyone knows about us. Another half I wonder if it's true?? Do we really need to define what we are because I'm happy now and afraid we're gonna breakup. If we don't label our relationship then it just ends when it ends. I'm afraid because I'm not sure about his feelings for me so if he asks me to be his gf which means he's serious about me now maybe by then I could be sure if I want to be his gf or not.

 

Another reason is he is gonna leave this country sooner or later so it's not easy to decide whether we're serious about each other enough to persue this relatiosnhip. We are still young. I know he is just as confused as I am now. It's our feelings, it's not me who makes it hard. I'm sure he can see that I put a lot of effort to make it better, to help him open up, to get closer to him. I don't want to push him or make him feel obligated to do anything for me. I'm happy when he is happy.

[pcs13]

cook him dinner (something really yummy and insanely easy). stop giving him mixed signals. keep constantly intouch. I bet your RS will be defined in less then 2 weeks if you stick to these rules

Thank you. Hopefully I will have the answer by this weekend. I will try my best to express exactly how I feel and what I think this time!

[candie13]

Don't expect miracles over 2-3 days of good behaviour. Trust is earned, especially if you had behaved erratically before.

 

Try to not overthink and live day by day. If you feel you cannot, because he may leave, well then stop the RS. You are either in or out. Anything in between is half fulfilling, trust me!

[pcs13]

The problem is in all the relationships I had, when I try to live day by day, be truly happy with the present, the guy would always think about the future and mess up the now. That's also the reason my ex broke up with me he constantly thinks about the future and was afraid I would end up loving him more (which hadn't even happened!)

 

In love, I always want to take risks. I can't stand not knowing. So with this relationship I know there are chances we might just be wasting each other's time and one of us might get our heart broken but I don't care. I just want to see where it goes. For now I just want to be with him but I'm afraid he wouldn't agree and would leave me like my ex.

[candie13]

can't you see the vicious circle, OP? You are afraid to project yourself in the future - and your partner sense the hesitation. Basically, you live in fear and that makes you emotionally unavailable. You partners feels your unavailability and leaves you - but you trigger it. IT's not like all was fine, plans for today and for the future and one fine day he just vanished. You are at the core of them leaving. Your own fears. And as you are the same person, you repeat this pattern. What do you think will happen with this guy when he understands you are scared and won't commit?

 

Listen... you do NOT KNOW what will happen in the future. STOP projecting. Maybe you will love him more, maybe you will love him less. MAybe he gets hit by a car, maybe you get hit by an airplane. You just don't know. So why make decisions today about something that is out of your hands?

 

If your man starts projecting with you in the future, you HAVE a choice and you HAVE power to stop him and say to him:" I really really like you. I enjoy spending time with you and I am happy to be in a RS with you. I believe it is too soon to project ourselves in the future and I also believe it's more important to focus on today and to build a good RS, a sound and solid foundation for us, today. I would like to talk about the future only when the time comes to make those things come true. I cannot talk to you about our children as we didn't even go on holiday together yet. I will not talk about us getting old together, because we have only been dating for a few weeks. It is not healthy to talk about the future. So let's enjoy today and make it amazing. I am not against making plans for the next weekend or next month, though...:)".

 

See? You are reasonable, you make sense and you get empowered. You build something solid and you share what you think.

 

All of those thoughts and worries about the future - well... you can get rid of them, or else they will poison your life. Stop flipping back and forth. IF you like a dude, give him a chance. If you don't like him, leave and find another dude you like. Just.... take time to be with yourself and allow yourself to not know. Allow yourself to not know all the answers in the universe. Stop putting all this pressure on yourself, you're only human. Focus on being true to your partner, by being available and reliable. Today and in the near future.

 

Most people are reasonable, OP. Most people make sense.

[blueskyday]

Maybe by asking you "where is this headed?" he wanted some reassurance from you? I've made the mistake of asking guys that because I wasn't sure of their feelings for ME.

 

One ex told me later that he broke up with me because "I was questioning and doubting" the relationship due to that question. Wow, I learned a big lesson: State your feelings and ask the other how they feel and think.

 

That said, if any guy says he doesn't want to "label" us, I'm out of there. That's code for casual and/or emotionally unavailable. Most interested guys (after initial dating period) can't wait to claim you, especially if you two are sleeping together.

Edited November 27, 2015 by blueskyday

[katiegrl]

Maybe by asking you "where is this headed?" he wanted some reassurance from you? I've made the mistake of asking guys that because I wasn't sure of their feelings for ME.

 

One ex told me later that he broke up with me because "I was questioning and doubting" the relationship due to that question. Wow, I learned a big lesson: State your feelings and ask the other how they feel and think.

 

That said, if any guy says he doesn't want to "label" us, I'm out of there. That's code for casual and/or emotionally unavailable. Most interested guys (after initial dating period) can't wait to claim you, especially if you two are sleeping together.

 

Maybe HE wants to *claim* her too .....which is why he asked the question ...but OP is constructing all sorts of obstacles preventing him from feeling comfortable doing do!

 

Like not being honest about her feelings ...implying (or even telling him) she's OKAY with this non-relationship, non-label status.

 

Then when he agrees, she gets pissed at him for not wanting to label it!

 

She has led him to believe she wants casual ....and since he doesn't want to lose her, he goes along, acting cool and non-chalantly, again, so as to not scare her off and potentially lose her.

 

Meantime, he buys her things like the ticket to workshop that *show* her how much he cares..

 

As I said, they both need to stop this nonsense, stop being so *scared,* and be honest with each other!

 

This is ridiculous.

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[blueskyday]

Maybe HE wants to *claim* her too .....which is why he asked the question ...but OP is constructing all sorts of obstacles preventing him from feeling comfortable doing do!

 

Like not being honest about her feelings ...implying (or even telling him) she's OKAY with this non-relationship, non-label status.

 

Then when he agrees, she gets pissed at him for not wanting to label it!

 

She has led him to believe she wants casual ....and since he doesn't want to lose her, he goes along, acting cool and non-chalantly, again, so as to not scare her off and potentially lose her.

 

Meantime, he buys her things like the ticket to workshop that *show* her how much he cares..

 

As I said, they both need to stop this nonsense, stop being so *scared,* and be honest with each other!

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Yes, exactly! She needs to communicate how she feels and what she wants. He is saying what he thinks she wants to hear. It's game playing and does need to stop.

[pcs13]

Seems like my last post was a bit confusing again. I meant I am the one who wants to live in the moment but the guys I date always think way too far ahead and want to end things just to prevent things that might/might not happen.

 

And I'm not playing game with him it's just my mind is not very clear. I always try to communicate with him what I want and feel. For example I told him I might want a relationship in the future and don't want to be strung along. I told him I didn't need a relationship which is true but it doesn't mean I won't want in the future.

 

Anyway here is the update:

 

We met up yesterday and just poured our soul to each other which is nice because we've never really done that before. He said we basically are bf gf because no one would date for 4 months and not be in a relationship. But since we never talked about it, we are not and he was in a limbo where he didn't know what is the limit. He would feel extremely guilty if he kiss a girl. Now he is talking casually with a girl and he already feel guilty about it. I wish that it but no.

 

He then said I deserve being treated like a gf, he wants to do nice, romantic things for me but he's afraid that would give me the wrong message. Because, basically, there is something in the back of his mind that is preventing him from actually treat me like his gf. He can't tell what it is but there is something, like a connection that is missing and because of that he can't promise something long term. He said it might be because he's become cynical after his last relationship.

 

The third problem is he has been single for 3 years and he's kinda freaked out now suddenly he has some kind of responsibility with another person. He's afraid he can't balance between friends and a gf. Basically he feels like he's losing his freedom which is bull**** since I give him all the freedom and he said sorry for that he doesn't know why he feels that way.

 

I just come to a conclusion that he doesn't like me enough. If he does then all of these won't be an issue. He insisted he really really like me, think I'm perfect and even cried and got really emotional when I decided we have to stop seeing each other. That made it really difficult for me so in the last 2 days we kept talking and trying to figure things out but nothing's come out of it.

 

I have 3 options:

 

1. Stop seeing him and stay friends. He said if we stop he wants to stay friends at least because he considers me his best friend which was a shock to me. Told him I don't want to have sex with my friends and I wouldn't be able to get over him.

 

2. Stop seeing him and cut all contacts. I would feel extremely sad because I like him so much. He said it would be a shock not having me in his life anymore. But I can't really accept the fact he doesn't like me enough to overcome his fear and give the relationship a try. I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve but again I like him so much.

 

3. Giving it a chance. He said he could try to stop worrying about the lack of connection and his fears to just enjoy the moment and the relationship even if it won't last long. We would be open more, communicate what we want more and make compromises. It means I have to accept it's just gonna be a short term relationship.

 

 

I told him I need time to think about it and for now we should just stop talking and seeing each other. I'm just really sad now I feel like I know the answer I just can't give it to him because I will lose him forever.