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boundary issues


jerrygordon3

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dated someone for a year and two month break up, now we are back together.

 

she dated someone for the two months we were together and they broke up and we got back together.

 

we broke up because she would have meltdowns, and i started getting physical with her. I never hit her but i was taking steroids and she is someone who i let get to me and ya. i got physical with her multiple times.

 

when we broke up she told her family and friends this and now that we are back together there are some things that are raising my eyebrows.

 

1) she isn't telling people we are back together yet because she isn't ready to do that just in case things backfire

 

2) we found out she is pregnant and yesterday she got an abortion. the kid was most likely the other guys

 

3) she told the other guy two days ago and she is still periodically texting him, but has let me see all the texts and nothing weird is going on.

 

I'm having some major insecurities because she has been super emotional and said things that worry me about her commitment. she is also being very affectionate and said things that make me realize she does love me.

 

( i have gone through her phone and seen all of her texts and nothing has ever been shady at all)

 

she has gone through my phone since we got back together and saw that after 4 days of " being back together" i had still been talking to some other girls. this bugged her a lot and made her rethink things with me. however, when we were broken up she had started sleeping with me again and told me there was none else and i caught her still talking to this guy she was seeing. ( at this point i ended things for a month).

 

part of me feels like she is controlling me and keeping me in a box by not telling people about us. part of me understands why. part of me doesn't like that she is talking to this guy still even though its just in regards to the abortion. part of me understands.

 

since we got back together I've been sort of riding her ass about every single insecurity i have and she tells me she has insecurities too but she isn't whining about them all the time and to stop acting so emotional all the time and be a man. i really want this to work but she seems to be a little lost. its just concerning and i don't know if i should be giving her ultimatums about telling her family and friends about us or if i should relax. same thing about the guy. should i tell her she needs to stop texting him even though she had the abortion yesterday, or is it too soon and should i let her just get the closure she needs from the situation. i understand she is depressed and hurt about it. she has a daughter and really didn't want an abortion.

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What do you mean that you got physical with her? What did you do? Are you still taking steroids?

 

I ask because there is a chance she told some people about these incidents and they would therefore not be happy to hear you're back in the picture. That's a possibility.

 

Beyond these problems, I'd say if you feel you need to issue an ultimatum about anything, it's likely not going to work out well. "Riding her ass" about every single insecurity is going to drive her away, I guarantee it. Lay off or break up wit her if you're that unhappy. Also, you don't have much of a leg to stand on if you were communicating with other girls behind her back. What's up with that?

 

If she's just had an abortion, chances are she's going to not be herself for a little bit while she processes the emotions surrounding that. It doesn't appear as though this relationship is on solid ground, but if you want to get it there, then yes, she needs to stop contacting this other guy. And you need to do the same with other girls, if you haven't already. Pressuring her to tell her friends and family you're back together isn't going to work. She will open up to them when she is ready.

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its never an excuse, but I grabbed her neck. Im a big guy and I've manhandled her. I'm ashamed of it and there is no excuse. i need to get past whatever it is she can control me with. when she gets angry she has full scale nuclear meltdowns and says really mean stuff to me. it just hurts and makes me want to scream.

i don't take them anymore for this reason.

 

she stopped talking to him until three days ago, the day before she got the abortion. she left my house this morning and was barley texting him, but says i have nothing to worry about. he is an irresponsible idiot, and although she has mixed feelings she wants nothing to do with him. he is a "little boy".

 

she will tell them in time, you're right. thank you so much for your advice. i do have insecurities and for some reason, i can't get my head to stop running all over the place. i caught her basically going to his house while we were broken up and she had told me there was none else. she lied to me and did it very well. obviously not well enough because i knew something was up and followed her car. since that moment, I've lost the trust i had that i was the only man and that i was all she wanted. i lost her.... now i guess i have her again. maybe i should try just being cool so i can keep her.

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its never an excuse, but I grabbed her neck. Im a big guy and I've manhandled her. I'm ashamed of it and there is no excuse. i need to get past whatever it is she can control me with. when she gets angry she has full scale nuclear meltdowns and says really mean stuff to me. it just hurts and makes me want to scream.

i don't take them anymore for this reason.

 

she stopped talking to him until three days ago, the day before she got the abortion. she left my house this morning and was barley texting him, but says i have nothing to worry about. he is an irresponsible idiot, and although she has mixed feelings she wants nothing to do with him. he is a "little boy".

 

she will tell them in time, you're right. thank you so much for your advice. i do have insecurities and for some reason, i can't get my head to stop running all over the place. i caught her basically going to his house while we were broken up and she had told me there was none else. she lied to me and did it very well. obviously not well enough because i knew something was up and followed her car. since that moment, I've lost the trust i had that i was the only man and that i was all she wanted. i lost her.... now i guess i have her again. maybe i should try just being cool so i can keep her.

 

This relationship sounds toxic for both of you. Until you both get your deeper issues sorted out (ie. anger control, dishonesty, etc) they are going to continue to affect the relationship. It doesn't appear as though you two are really a healthy match anymore.

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Hey JG

 

Maybe you could just slow yourself down a little bit. Good to know you're seeing a counselor. When she says you're being "co-dependent" (another thread of yours) she is saying you are too dependent on someone else for your emotional stability instead of being the same person day in an day out...no matter what happens ... you are allowing someone else the control panel and that is not your gf's issue that is YOUR total responsibility to be at the helm of your ship 24/7. Decide what you want and how you want your relationship to look like then BE that person ... if your gf isn't on board you really have to tell her about your observations and tell her she has to get on board or you're out. In all of this though, do not change who YOU are. Be a good guy.

 

Do some affirmations every day where you say you love this woman and you'll do what it takes to work this out...as it seems you want this. Pray if that's your thing. One of you must at least have faith in this relationship so just STOP the suspicious BS. You mustn't treat someone you love like this ... the suspiciousness and the violence (what's up with that?! Do you feel entitled for no one to cause you any emotional upset?? That's childish behavior FYI ... a grown up tantrum) are relationship killers. Also, lying and watching porn when your gf objects (another thread of yours) are also relationship killers. Are you sure you're ready for a healthy relationship??

 

Tell your gf she must be upfront or she will lose you. You as well need to stop the communication with other girls unless they truly are just friends.

 

Lastly, please go easy on your gf right now...you are a man and can't imagine what she's feeling about terminating this pregnancy nor the emotional/hormonal nose dive that is happening in her body with the sudden termination. In all of this, she has to care for her child. Have a heart JG. Did you have a good mother? I'm just wondering as you do not seem to have soft feelings for what a woman is going through. Please give her a lot of support.

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The day after I posted this after she worked a double the guy she was seeing who she also works with came to the bar. She was drunk and agreed to go back to his place to talk and ended up staying over. I don't know what to do

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The day after I posted this after she worked a double the guy she was seeing who she also works with came to the bar. She was drunk and agreed to go back to his place to talk and ended up staying over. I don't know what to do

 

That is a dealbreaker, in my books.

 

Are you really wondering if that's ok or if you should turn a blind eye to it?

 

She's just not yours, wholly and exclusively. Not anymore.

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I stopped at steroids and you 'getting physical' with her.

 

Not healthy. There's a reason they call it roid rage. You should stop taking them immediately.

 

It's never okay to get physical with a woman. Let me repeat that, IT IS NEVER OKAY TO GET PHYSICAL WITH A WOMAN. Grabbing her is just as bad as hitting her whether you beleive there's a distinction or not.

 

You should get some counseling and let this girl go. You've crossed too many lines to go back.

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