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She doesn't want a relationship


yummycheese

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I met this girl who goes to my uni through a dating app, and we hit it off immediately. You know, texting me all day, everyday, even when she's somewhere important, the whole online flirting thing, she'd say I was the only guy to make her blush whenever I complimented her, call me handsome and adorable and joke about me being the one and falling for me and such. We went on two dates during this period, with her saying she had a 'ridiculously good' time and wanting another. She's very awkward and slow to show her affection; she actually got flustered and ran away from me when she saw me on the bus because she thought she looked ugly that day. She said she'll leave me to plan the third date, also saying that we could kiss on that one.

 

Anyway, I'm organising a third date and she goes all quiet on me, bearing in mind she's an extremely busy girl with uni, work, and goes home every other week to see family. Regardless, I got worried and asked her if she was feeling okay. She said that she's been thinking about what she wants and that she didn't want to talk while she figured it out. She also said that she doesn't want a relationship at the minute but "maybe I will change my mind but I am just unsure of where I am at the minute is all".

 

She wanted to continue talking but I invested more of my feelings into this than she did I suppose and it's gotten me depressed because I thought she and I had the potential to be a fantastic couple by the way we got on. I thought I'd give her space and haven't talked to her nearly as much as we used to.

 

She had to have been interested right? She even talked all about me to her mother and flatmates, saying I'm the guy she's dating. So, any suggestions? Should I chase her? Is she actually unsure or did she not like me? Thanks guys.

Edited by yummycheese
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Well all you need to know is that she's not interested in a relationship right now. It could be she just doesn't want a relationship with you or she genuinely doesn't want a relationship at all right now.

 

I'm torn because I am deeply cynical and part of me thinks she met someone better and is no longer interested in you, but the other part of me remembers being busy in college and I didn't even have a job on top of that. So maybe she really is just too busy for a relationship.

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Don't get me wrong, I thought the same thing, but going by her dating history, or lack thereof I suppose, she's not one to have much success with this. I'm the third guy she's met after using that app for 2 years. The other two were coffee dates last year and nothing came of it. But of course, I could be wrong.

 

I also feel like she'd have told me if she met someone else. She's extraordinarily kind and honest.

Edited by yummycheese
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She had to have been interested right? She even talked all about me to her mother and flatmates, saying I'm the guy she's dating. So, any suggestions? Should I chase her? Is she actually unsure or did she not like me? Thanks guys.

 

Do not chase. Seriously. That is just about the worst thing you can do. She has explicitly told you she doesn't want to talk about things whilst she 'figures stuff out' and has gone quiet on you. Chasing her is only going to push her away.

 

She is not unsure whether or not she likes you...whether you are romantically interested in someone or not is not an academic problem that requires careful logical thought, it is a gut feeling. Based on what you have fed back, it seems that she is not interested in you enough to want to pursue things any further. Unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances (e.g. bereavement), she would not be giving you these signals if she wanted things to progress.

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She's testing you. Just sit back and let her come to you

 

I don't buy this, and don't think OP should get any false hope that she is going to come running back into his arms.

 

It seems pretty clear, really, that this is very unlikely to happen.

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I don't buy this, and don't think OP should get any false hope that she is going to come running back into his arms.

 

It seems pretty clear, really, that this is very unlikely to happen.

 

He just needs to back off and do his own thing. It's very common for girls to withdraw near the beginning. If you chase them they will run further. Happens all the time

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He just needs to back off and do his own thing. It's very common for girls to withdraw near the beginning. If you chase them they will run further. Happens all the time

 

Agree that OP needs to back right off, and that chasing will make her run further, but disagree that this is some kind of '**** test' and that backing off will cause her to change her mind about the situation and come running back.

 

OP would do better to assume that things are done and not clutch at straws.

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Agree that OP needs to back right off, and that chasing will make her run further, but disagree that this is some kind of '**** test' and that backing off will cause her to change her mind about the situation and come running back.

 

OP would do better to assume that things are done and not clutch at straws.

 

Totally disagree. The vast majority of women do this. It is a test if even on a subconscious level.

 

First woman is totally into new guy. And this is genuine. Lots of attention. Great sex. Great dates. If the man is too overly eager now, she WILL pull away. Without a doubt. It is always too busy, not ready, excuses etc.

 

She really is losing interest because the MAN is too into her. So when she says "not ready to date" he needs to say "well I enjoy your company. I'm not really either. I like to see what is out there"

 

She will have a 100 percent different reaction that if he starts questioning, texting, calling. Being sad etc

 

Men and women are different. Most women will pull this.

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Totally disagree. The vast majority of women do this. It is a test if even on a subconscious level.

 

First woman is totally into new guy. And this is genuine. Lots of attention. Great sex. Great dates. If the man is too overly eager now, she WILL pull away. Without a doubt. It is always too busy, not ready, excuses etc.

 

She really is losing interest because the MAN is too into her. So when she says "not ready to date" he needs to say "well I enjoy your company. I'm not really either. I like to see what is out there"

 

She will have a 100 percent different reaction that if he starts questioning, texting, calling. Being sad etc

 

Men and women are different. Most women will pull this.

 

OP may have turned her off by coming on too strong and getting invested more than her. But her getting turned off isn't a test, is it? It's her getting turned off.

 

We agree that OP needs to back off, but I am far less optimistic that doing so will reverse the damage that's already been done.

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Thanks for the advice people. I've chased before and it works 0% of the time, so I won't be doing that. The most she's heard from me since 'the talk' has been a conversation a couple days later about nothing in particular, just dumb jokes. Bearing in mind, whilst I'm upset and all over this, and it's constantly on my mind, she doesn't know that, she just thinks I happily went along with it.

 

I can't exactly bombard her with texts about how much I like her, all I've said about that is when she first said that she can't do a relationship to which I said "I mean, you're a fantastic girl, and I'm interested of course, but it's all up to you".

I plan to just leave her alone, if she wants to talk, she can always text me.

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Thanks for the advice people. I've chased before and it works 0% of the time, so I won't be doing that. The most she's heard from me since 'the talk' has been a conversation a couple days later about nothing in particular, just dumb jokes. Bearing in mind, whilst I'm upset and all over this, and it's constantly on my mind, she doesn't know that, she just thinks I happily went along with it.

 

I can't exactly bombard her with texts about how much I like her, all I've said about that is when she first said that she can't do a relationship to which I said "I mean, you're a fantastic girl, and I'm interested of course, but it's all up to you".

I plan to just leave her alone, if she wants to talk, she can always text me.

 

I know it's tough, but you're doing the right thing...get back on your dating app and start meeting other women.

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When a woman says she doesn't want a relationship, what's she's really saying is she doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

 

Stop texting all day long ffs, you can't build a relationship by texting - you only kill it because you'll say something wrong and turn her off (which looks very likely here).

 

 

Get busy, go out with your friends and don't under any circumstances contact this woman again until she's got back to you. If it's bad news, say "Okay, take care" do not agree to be friends, unless you're ready to be just friends forever.

 

 

Oh, and yeah stop fecking texting all day long.... <-- repeat until you understand.

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Totally disagree. The vast majority of women do this.

 

Generalization.

 

Since you don't know the vast majority of women, you can't with any certainty say that she's doing this because you don't know her. That's cynicism, bitterness and speculation, not fact.

 

Doesn't at all mean she's doing this.

 

She said she was busy with school, job and life, which were all going on before OP dropped into her life.

 

She may just know she doesn't have the time to devote focusing on OP and that it would be patently unfair of her to engage him when she knows she doesn't have much free time available to her.

 

She can have fun with OP, have a great time even, and still know that her life is too messy right now to let him in properly. While IMO, she shouldn't have tried fading on him, her telling him that now is not a good time is in no way her testing him to see if he will chase her.

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She said she was busy with school, job and life, which were all going on before OP dropped into her life.

 

She may just know she doesn't have the time to devote focusing on OP and that it would be patently unfair of her to engage him when she knows she doesn't have much free time available to her.

 

She can have fun with OP, have a great time even, and still know that her life is too messy right now to let him in properly. While IMO, she shouldn't have tried fading on him, her telling him that now is not a good time is in no way her testing him to see if he will chase her.

 

I don't buy this for one second. She's clearly not that busy if she can spend time texting OP 'all day, everyday, even when she's somewhere important' and carve out time for their initial dates.

 

If you are interested in someone and want to pursue a relationship with them, you make time for them. Most people lead really busy lives these days; I was working 60-70h weeks when I met my current girlfriend and we are together a couple of years later because we just got on with the situation.

 

She just lost interest for whatever reason, or that interest wasn't strong enough to start off with. That's all there is to it.

Edited by runforafall
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If OP's details are accurate, then she got freaked out because things were going so well and now is feeling smothered, thus wanting space to collect her thoughts. The "not wanting a relationship" line was a defense mechanism to give her space.

 

I say she's into him but he needs to back off and let her come to him. If she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

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I don't buy this for one second. She's clearly not that busy if she can spend time texting OP 'all day, everyday, even when she's somewhere important' and carve out time for their initial dates.

 

If you are interested in someone and want to pursue a relationship with them, you make time for them. Most people lead really busy lives these days; I was working 60-70h weeks when I met my current girlfriend and we are together a couple of years later because we just got on with the situation.

 

She just lost interest for whatever reason, or that interest wasn't strong enough to start off with. That's all there is to it.

 

I can see this being be true. I still think there are times you get off to such a fast start with someone, hot and heavy, that you need a breather to think where things are going, where you want them to go.

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