stelarose Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 My boyfriend of 7 months always complains of being broke after parents always ask him for money, and he doesn't know how to say no. His dad gives him rides to work (he doesn't have a car), and usually gets $50 to $100 from him each time. He knows he's taking advantage of him, but he just can't say no because he's his father and that supposedly he needs it more. He is 31 and still lives with his mother, but of course, pays all the bills, and gives her money every paycheck-- also, because supposedly she needs it more. And his 15-year-old sister and mom always seem to want to go shopping with him because he always buys them more useless stuff-- toys for himself and his sister to play with (video games and Legos), brand name stuff or another TV, or something else that the mom may want for the house, or whatever. They sure do have expensive taste for people who are in need! He says he lives with his mom because she needs his help. I didn't care either way in the beginning, but as things get progressively more serious and we're already talking marriage and kids for the future, I'm starting to wonder if this is really the kind of guy I want to marry. The way he just easily gives away his money any time family ask scares me. He says he wants to marry, but I don't see him saving. He lives paycheck to check "helping" all these people, and he doesn't see how the intelligent one always lives off the dumb one. I was raised differently. First, shopping was never done as a hobby. You go shopping if you need something new, not to throw away hard-earned money on toys or to replace an electronic that works perfectly fine. Second, my mom would NEVER ask me for money. Her goal for me was that I can support myself and not need her anymore-- she NEVER wanted me to give her money. She always said that the best I can give her is to be independent and support myself. And I did that. I live on my own, I don't ask anyone for anything, or give anyone anything. I keep cordial relations with my mom through text and I visit her twice a month, but that's it. This guy lives with his mom and it feels like I'm dating a guy with too many family responsibilities. It's almost as if he had kids. This is the other extreme of my ex-husband-- who also lives with his mom and is constantly helped by her. My question is, is this enough reason to break up with this guy? He's a sweetheart, but I DON'T want to enter a situation where we will be incompatible on something so important. I'd rather leave now at 7 months than realize 2 years after marriage that this was a mistake. But I want to know what others think first. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He is 31?!?! This is unlikely to change... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stelarose Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 He is 31?!?! This is unlikely to change... Yep. Just turned 31. I'm also 31, going on 32..... Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I still live at home with my mom and I'll be 30 next month. I routinely give her money to help her out. She is unemployed due to a work injury she sustained and she recently made the decision to go back to school. She is basically raising my almost 15 year old brother on her own with some financial assistance from his dad. However, she really does not like taking money from me even though I can afford it. I would never give her more money than I could afford. I love my mom and I would do anything in the world to make things easier on her. She never expects me to pay for anything frivolous nor would she ever ask. I help her with bills & tuition for my brother's high school. So I can kinda see where your guy is coming from with him wanting to help his mom & sister, BUT he's too passive with her. He doesn't know how to say no to anyone in his family. You two are incompatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I was raised differently. Find a guy who was raised like you were. You can't re-raise a grown man, nor can you tell him what he can or can't do with his money when you're not his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 It's a red flag for you. Finances are one of the most common sources of friction in a relationship. You two have very different views on finances & you can't make him more responsible. If you stay with him, you may have to deal with his spending & his family's irresponsible fiscal policies. If you can't do that just bail because it's not worth the aggravation of trying to change them. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 My boyfriend of 7 months always complains of being broke after parents always ask him for money, and he doesn't know how to say no. His dad gives him rides to work (he doesn't have a car), and usually gets $50 to $100 from him each time. He knows he's taking advantage of him, but he just can't say no because he's his father and that supposedly he needs it more. He is 31 and still lives with his mother, but of course, pays all the bills, and gives her money every paycheck-- also, because supposedly she needs it more. And his 15-year-old sister and mom always seem to want to go shopping with him because he always buys them more useless stuff-- toys for himself and his sister to play with (video games and Legos), brand name stuff or another TV, or something else that the mom may want for the house, or whatever. They sure do have expensive taste for people who are in need! He says he lives with his mom because she needs his help. I didn't care either way in the beginning, but as things get progressively more serious and we're already talking marriage and kids for the future, I'm starting to wonder if this is really the kind of guy I want to marry. The way he just easily gives away his money any time family ask scares me. He says he wants to marry, but I don't see him saving. He lives paycheck to check "helping" all these people, and he doesn't see how the intelligent one always lives off the dumb one. I was raised differently. First, shopping was never done as a hobby. You go shopping if you need something new, not to throw away hard-earned money on toys or to replace an electronic that works perfectly fine. Second, my mom would NEVER ask me for money. Her goal for me was that I can support myself and not need her anymore-- she NEVER wanted me to give her money. She always said that the best I can give her is to be independent and support myself. And I did that. I live on my own, I don't ask anyone for anything, or give anyone anything. I keep cordial relations with my mom through text and I visit her twice a month, but that's it. This guy lives with his mom and it feels like I'm dating a guy with too many family responsibilities. It's almost as if he had kids. This is the other extreme of my ex-husband-- who also lives with his mom and is constantly helped by her. My question is, is this enough reason to break up with this guy? He's a sweetheart, but I DON'T want to enter a situation where we will be incompatible on something so important. I'd rather leave now at 7 months than realize 2 years after marriage that this was a mistake. But I want to know what others think first. Simple solution: Get his employer to pay money directly into an account you also maintain. Make a regular, reasonable transfer of say $20/month to his parents. The rest, YOU control. He's obviously completely incapable of taking care of his own money, he needs taking in hand and having this problem resolved by you. If this is the only problem you have with him, then that is the only solution. Otherwise, get him to give you his paycheck before he has the chance to fritter any of it away on his parents. Then proceed as above. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 "Is this enough to breakup with him?" Yup. This is about compatibility. You both have very different ideas about how money should be spent. Being compatible about finances is crucial! ***Complaints over money is the number one reason why marriages end in divorce, and how messy they get when being settled. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Simple solution: Get his employer to pay money directly into an account you also maintain. Make a regular, reasonable transfer of say $20/month to his parents. The rest, YOU control. He's obviously completely incapable of taking care of his own money, he needs taking in hand and having this problem resolved by you. If this is the only problem you have with him, then that is the only solution. Otherwise, get him to give you his paycheck before he has the chance to fritter any of it away on his parents. Then proceed as above. Tho that this is a good idea....it would only work if he completely agrees with it and admits he has a problem. I doubt he sees anything really wrong with what he is doing. This action will only cause tremendous friction between you him and his family. Money brings the ugly out in everyone, and I bet money on it his family will do everything in their power to split you up, because they will see you as the enemy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stelarose Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 "Is this enough to breakup with him?" Yup. This is about compatibility. You both have very different ideas about how money should be spent. Being compatible about finances is crucial! ***Complaints over money is the number one reason why marriages end in divorce, and how messy they get when being settled. Yep. Another thing-- he has asked me to move in to his house--- his mother's house which she will soon out under his name. He makes enough to be able to live alone with me, but I guess he has his eye on that asset. Must be nice to get a free house, but he's shackled to that, the family and all that comes with it. As someone who is free and unshackled, this turns me off. Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 You're incompatible in a major area. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yep. Just turned 31. I'm also 31, *going on 32*.... As opposed to 31, going on 40? lol Sorry, couldn't resist!! In all seriousness, I agree with ending this. He is not gonna change. Incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Tho that this is a good idea....it would only work if he completely agrees with it and admits he has a problem. I doubt he sees anything really wrong with what he is doing. This action will only cause tremendous friction between you him and his family. Money brings the ugly out in everyone, and I bet money on it his family will do everything in their power to split you up, because they will see you as the enemy. Granted yes, he would have to agree. I based the advice on the fact he's always complaining he doesn't have enough money, and that he feels compelled to give it to his parents.... I think he does see what's wrong with the picture. It's a guilt trip thing.... He's too weak to refuse, so maybe she can convince him to do something different. But he would have to agree, not be backed into a corner and MADE to do it. That's just another form of control. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He sounds like he's at the mercy of everyone in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
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