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Having kids in late 30's??


startinganew777

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startinganew777

I saw another thread in here about someone wanting kids and the person they are dating saying maybe. I kinda have the same problem only I will be 36 next week. I have only been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. He treats me better than any other guy I have ever been with. He is so caring and respectful and makes me so happy. He is everything I ever wanted. Except for one thing, he wants kids, I don't think that I do. I never had that urge to have kids and would be totally ok without them.

 

I had a pregnancy scare last month, I don't do birth control because my body doesn't react well to hormones. Condoms hurt, the sponge causes irritation so it was the old pull out method for months. And frankly, I have an auto immune disease and endometriosis and just figured that I probably couldn't get pregnant. I was married before so we weren't so careful and there are many times I SHOULD have got pregnant and it never happened. I am getting an IUD put in next week, on my birthday none the less, so I won't have to go through that again.

 

Anyways, I told him that and he knew that I thought I couldn't get pregnant. So last month, when I was 6 days late and having all kinds of signs I was pregnant, we were both freaking out!!! I live paycheck to paycheck and can't hardly afford to take care of myself and my dogs and he isn't financially secure either. Turns out it was a false alarm but def brought up the issue about kids. He said right now would be bad, with his finances and everything. For some reason I figured he didn't really want kids because I told him I didn't think I could have them. So I plain out asked him then if he wanted kids. He said he would like kids and to have a family. I just sat there and didn't know what to say. Because I never imagined myself with kids.

 

Here we are both about to turn 36 soon and only dating 4 months and he wants kids. I am still not sure if I do. And I don't want to be having kids at 40 either. We don't have years to wait and think about this and see how it turns out. I feel like I would be selfish by not letting him find someone younger so he could have the family he wanted. Not only that, what if I do decide I want kids and my health issues come into play and I can't? I would feel so bad and feel like I disappointed him and took away a part of his life he has always wanted.

 

I love him so much already, I feel like we are meant to be but this weighs heavily on my shoulders. I have dated some losers and some jerks, married an alcoholic, ended up dating a Narcissistic sociopath after the divorce. My boyfriend is amazing and makes me feel so good about myself and tells me everyday he loves me and would do anything for me. My family LOVES him, his family loves me, everything just feels so right but this issue, it is a big deal. I just don't know where to go from here.

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GunslingerRoland

Well he has to be realistic. If he's already 36 and living paycheque to paycheque what magic thing is going to happen at this point in his life to make him financially able to support children. They are expensive in today's world. Don't let anyone tell you that old $100K to age 18 stuff. Think bigger house, bigger car, saving for college. People living pc to pc shouldn't even be considering kids.

 

 

But if he really wants kids, it's not fair for you to talk him out of it, and if you don't want kids (and medically probably shouldn't even try) it's not fair for him to talk you into it. Sounds like a pretty important thing, and a much more important reason to break up than most of the posts on here have.

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startinganew777

BTW, When I say I don't think I can have kids, I don't mean that it would be bad for me or the child, I mean that I don't think my body could ever get pregnant BECAUSE of the auto immune disease or that it would be really, really hard to get pregnant. My friend also has an autoimmune disease and she had 8 miscarriages and it took her 4 years to get pregnant.

 

He is just so good for me, it is so hard to think about throwing this all away and he would think it was silly but I don't know what else to do. Things are perfect between us. What if I never find anyone that makes me this happy again? It is so sad.

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startinganew777

He is up for a manager position at his work within the next year and will be making really good money so he won't be living paycheck to paycheck anymore. That is why he is saying right now was a bad time.

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I think it's time to open up the lines of communication with your bf and lay your cards on the table with him about being ambivalent at best about having kids and on the side of not wanting them. Does he know about your medical condition?

 

If you discuss and your guy really wants to have kids/family and you can't get off the fence or you definitely do not want to have kids, it sounds like you're incompatible.

 

If you both decide that having a child would be on the table, maybe think about getting a second job and setting aside $ and also going to a fertility specialist to have hormones etc. checked and see where you're at in terms of reproductive fitness.

 

Having a family was important to me years ago. I would only date someone who was on board with that and I discussed that with someone I was dating seriously. I have kids now. Please be honest with your bf...he treats you well and he deserves the same in return.

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He is up for a manager position at his work within the next year and will be making really good money so he won't be living paycheck to paycheck anymore. That is why he is saying right now was a bad time.

 

That's not a guarantee tho right? Kid's are SO expensive, it will really change your lifestyle completely.

 

Also, you can always adopt. That's probably the better option to having one.

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Kids are a BIG forever life changing commitment to consider just because you love someone.

 

I have been there, kinda. I don't want them, almost got talked into considering them because I loved someone who thought he might want them... And realized that having kids isn't right for me, no matter how much I loved someone.

 

Keep in mind you are in the honey moon phase where our hormones can make us feel all sorts of things as well.

 

And come your late 30's, risk for complications like Down's syndrome goes up exponentially. At 24, the risk is one out of 1400 pregnancies. Come age 33, the risk has increased to 1 out of 625. Age 39? One out of 140.

 

Tight finances, advanced age (I know I could pull all nighters easier at 25 than I can at 37!), and increased risk of having a special needs child are serious things to consider.

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startinganew777

Yes, he knows about my medical condition. I told him early on I didn't think I could get pregnant. He never said anything or brought it up. When this discussion got brought up a month ago, he said that he didn't think I could get pregnant so he never brought up the fact that he would like kids.

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startinganew777

Oh I know kids are VERY expensive. I don't think he understands that or realizes that having kids in your late thirties is a risk. I guess guys just don't think about that as much as a female does because it really doesn't matter how old the men are.

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if you are certain that you don't want to have children, get your tubed tied or abstain from sex. Otherwise, it is a very good chance that you could become pregnant because you do not use anything to protect against it (or VD for that matter). Just be careful... all it takes is one sperm with a sense of direction.

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Ruby Slippers

Male age is a factor in health of the offspring, too. The older the man is, the more mutations his sperm has gone through, and the more likely he is to produce a child with birth defects. The age when risks start to climb more rapidly is around 40 for women, 45 for men.

 

I think you should have some honest talks about your future and where you stand on having kids or not. Since he was willing to stick with you when he thought you couldn't have kids, maybe it's not as critical to him as you think. Just talk about it and figure it out together.

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startinganew777

I am not totally against it but right now thinking I would rather not have kids but I am getting a non hormonal IUD put in next week. He is going with me. We don't want a surprise.

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but a serious, deep discussion about children, who does the lion's share of taking care of them and the home, who is going to go out and work in exchange for a paycheck, etc. now needs to be had between you two if a pregnancy scare has just gone down so both of you know where the other stands on this issue.

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Ruby and a few others bring up good points.

 

Maybe your bf would like to have kids but it's not a dealbreaker for him.

 

FYI ... I had 2 kids no problem in my late 30s. I did have amnio with both of them and results were negative. I pulled many an all nighter without an issue ... I love my kids so much and wouldn't change a thing but I knew I wanted kids ... just a matter of finding the right person.

 

You guys will figure it out. Kids aren't the end all ... you can have a very fulfilling life with your fur babies.

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They are expensive in today's world. Don't let anyone tell you that old $100K to age 18 stuff. Think bigger house, bigger car, saving for college. People living pc to pc shouldn't even be considering kids.

 

Yep. That's what my parents thought too.

If I could go back in time to just the time I was born, I'd say to them:

 

"something to eat", "a tiny roof over your head", "help with homework",

and

"endless love and hugs and smiles, and affection and care"

and

"just be with me"

 

--The rest (the bigger house/car/STUFF) I could live without.

 

btw,

I never wanted to have my own kids either. I never felt the urge. Always thought, someday I'd want to adopt an orphan girl and take care of her -- save a a girl who wasn't loved by the world.

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startinganew777

Yes, that is what I thought when he said he didn't bring up wanting kids because he thought I couldn't have them. I met him online actually and on there he said he was undecided about kids. He seems to me like he could go either way so I was surprised when he said he would like a family.

 

I then asked him what if it was medically impossible to get pregnant. He just said that he loves me and we would figure it out. We haven't talked about it since then.

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Ruby Slippers
He just said that he loves me and we would figure it out.

This is the the heart of the matter. I think you've both been on the fence, so it doesn't sound as though it would be a huge loss to him not to have kids.

 

He sounds like a wonderful man who really loves you. That is RARE, in my experience. I say hang on to this one. Couples without kids are families, too.

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Yes, that is what I thought when he said he didn't bring up wanting kids because he thought I couldn't have them. I met him online actually and on there he said he was undecided about kids. He seems to me like he could go either way so I was surprised when he said he would like a family.

 

I then asked him what if it was medically impossible to get pregnant. He just said that he loves me and we would figure it out. We haven't talked about it since then.

 

As you've been up front with him about your medical condition and he's still around, I think you're fine. From what I've heard and seen, while there are people who feel that they absolutely MUST have kids and people who are 100% against it, a lot of people are somewhere in between. Chances are your guy is one of the ones who thinks 'well, might be nice to have them but it isn't a big deal', since he's still with you. It's possible he might change his mind in the future, but anything could go wrong in the future of a long-term relationship and I don't see much point in trying to preempt every single what-if.

 

Don't worry so much about it IMO, just be honest with him and enjoy the R.

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Eternal Sunshine

What about adoption?

 

I never wanted kids but if I do change my mind and some later point, I would go via adoption route. Not sure what's with everyone's obsession to have biological children.

 

I work in a medical field and I wouldn't go through pregancy even in late 30s, let alone 40s. Risks are just too big.

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This is why women in their late 20's, early 30's are in a rush to get married and start families.

 

I think men have a serious advantage here. I see guys into their 40's and 50's having their first children.

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startinganew777

I am not totally against adoption. I though about it real hard last night. I think I am afraid of the actual labor and the pain associated with it. I am also worried I would be throwing up everyday for 9 months. My employment has no maternity leave. The actual thought of being pregnant scares me to death. Having an actual child does not as I love kids. The thought of something going wrong during the pregnancy and labor is very, very scary to me.

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There are sooooo many options out there for people who want children. There is adoption, surrogacy, in vitro, and foster parenting. I agree that with the health concerns, that having a baby yourself probably isn't a great idea. Anyway, no one knows if his boys can do the job either.

 

I do wonder about guys who are wishy washy about kids. A lot of them about his age and older say they want them so that they can date younger women... Not because they are serious about starting a family.

 

A bigger question needs to be about the lifestyle changes that occur due to kids. A lot of guys don't take that seriously either. They assume the woman is going to do most of it, and all he has to do is supply a paycheck and be fun time dad...

 

If both of you really want kids, you will find a way. The question is more about if you want the responsibility. As a woman, you need to make damned sure he's ready to be a full time dad... Not a fun time dad. Which unfortunately, too many are.

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startinganew777

I am not at all concerned about how good of a Dad he would be. Best guy I have ever met and I have seen him around his nieces and my nephew and you can just tell.

 

And he isn't saying he wants kids so he can date younger. That makes no sense because I am a couple weeks older than him. He would have dated younger if he wanted to.

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