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oberkeat

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I had yet another one-and-done date a few nights ago. From my perspective it was an awesome date, lasted hours, with lots of great conversation. But I don't get the sense that she's interested in another one as she seems to have ghosted since then. I was trying to get my mind off that when I came across an Nytimes story about real estate prices that started with a couple looking to buy their first move-in-ready two-bedroom apartment together.

 

With a baby on the way, they needed a place with space, had looked at 40 apartments and lost several bidding wars before they found a place. There was a picture of the two of them in their nice new apartment, early-mid thirties, dressed casual, hugging, smiling, looking happy.

 

I just thought, "Wow, that'll never be me."

 

Most of the advice I've received about being successful in dating has suggested that I self-evaluate and eliminate all the things that could be potential turnoffs. I really thought I had worked on those things since I got dumped 5 years ago. I thought I'd become a much more attractive and totally different guy since then but it hasn't translated into any relationships. Nobody wants a relationship with me.

 

My best friend said she thinks I'm a wonderful person and that I'm too young to give up, but obviously she's a biased opinion. That's what your friends and family are supposed to say to cheer you up. :rolleyes:

 

I'm just starting to believe some folks just aren't meant to be in a relationship and I'm one of 'em. Time to retire from dating and accept reality.

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My best friend said she thinks I'm a wonderful person
Start here.

 

Your best friend is a woman? This is a problem.

 

You need to hang around men. Men won't bullsh*t you like your "best friend" is. This chick, with whatever she's telling you, is not doing you any favors. Let me guess - "be yourself"? "The right one will come along as soon as you stop looking"?

 

Yep, all crap. Be the edgy version of yourself who doesn't give a f*ck about women. Keep looking. Laugh off rejection. Embrace it. Try to get rejected every day.

 

If you do this, you become bulletproof. Then you can approach anyone, and eventually one will stick.

 

But yeah. Don't be friends with women, dude. This is one of your big problems - you're too feminine.

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mystikmind2005
Start here.

 

Your best friend is a woman? This is a problem.

 

You need to hang around men. Men won't bullsh*t you like your "best friend" is. This chick, with whatever she's telling you, is not doing you any favors. Let me guess - "be yourself"? "The right one will come along as soon as you stop looking"?

 

Yep, all crap. Be the edgy version of yourself who doesn't give a f*ck about women. Keep looking. Laugh off rejection. Embrace it. Try to get rejected every day.

 

If you do this, you become bulletproof. Then you can approach anyone, and eventually one will stick.

 

But yeah. Don't be friends with women, dude. This is one of your big problems - you're too feminine.

 

Interesting advice.... notice how women always complain they cannot find a decent guy,,, it has always been my theory that most men who are players, are actually a creation of women because decent guys such as the OP have to learn how to be a player in order to find a woman.

 

Pretty sad really, sad but true.

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What do you mean she “ghosted”?

The date was only a few nights ago. What happened since then?

Maybe you’re jumping the gun on deciding something’s wrong.

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notice how women always complain they cannot find a decent guy,,, it has always been my theory that most men who are players, are actually a creation of women because decent guys such as the OP have to learn how to be a player in order to find a woman.

 

Pretty sad really, sad but true.

Being a good and decent man who is fair, attentive and honest has gotten me nowhere but dumped.

 

Yes, women created the players because the nice guys were sick of getting sh*t on. The women who complain about "no good men" don't really want a good man, anyway. Because when they find him, they take him for granted, try to change him, and exploit his kindnesses.

 

The modern American woman isn't satisfied. The only thing she responds to is poor treatment, and trying to "solve" or "fix" a difficult man.

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Millions of males may be 'wonderful'...doesn't mean I want a relationship with them. I'm sure you know nice woman but have little physical or emotional attraction.

 

There can be a hundred variables.

 

Be positive but you are right to stop dating if it isn't right for you. Nobody likes a pouty male so it's good you accept your single status.. Listen to advice from those who are successful.

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Well, I'm just a woman, so what would I know, butttt...

 

I had yet another one-and-done date a few nights ago. From my perspective it was an awesome date, lasted hours, with lots of great conversation. But I don't get the sense that she's interested in another one as she seems to have ghosted since then. I was trying to get my mind off that when I came across an Nytimes story about real estate prices that started with a couple looking to buy their first move-in-ready two-bedroom apartment together.

 

With a baby on the way, they needed a place with space, had looked at 40 apartments and lost several bidding wars before they found a place. There was a picture of the two of them in their nice new apartment, early-mid thirties, dressed casual, hugging, smiling, looking happy.

 

I just thought, "Wow, that'll never be me."

 

Most of the advice I've received about being successful in dating has suggested that I self-evaluate and eliminate all the things that could be potential turnoffs. I really thought I had worked on those things since I got dumped 5 years ago. I thought I'd become a much more attractive and totally different guy since then but it hasn't translated into any relationships. Nobody wants a relationship with me.

 

My best friend said she thinks I'm a wonderful person and that I'm too young to give up, but obviously she's a biased opinion. That's what your friends and family are supposed to say to cheer you up. :rolleyes:

 

I'm just starting to believe some folks just aren't meant to be in a relationship and I'm one of 'em. Time to retire from dating and accept reality.

 

 

Well, I'm just a woman, so what would I know, butttt...

 

These [types of] things said in my company on a first date, would cause me to longer be interested, as it is obvious by the words you choose to use to convey your thoughts that you are a negative person/in a negative space, and it's simply not attractive, at all...especially when first meeting someone as to ascertain compatibility for future meets.

 

You could have chosen to instead say "Gosh, I'd sure like that to me", "since my last relationship ended, 5 years ago", "I have not yet found a someone", "people who know me, think I'm a pretty good catch", and "I know I'm relationship material...but, dang it...it sure is frustrating waiting for the right one!"

 

 

 

Notice how all those [replacement] words convey the same thoughts and meanings so as to tell also truthfully tell another your story,

 

but without a single negative tone to any of it? There's not a single person out there who can't relate to those same exact sentiments.

 

Normal, healthy, well-adusted people - men AND women - are typically not attracted to negativity and once it's been detected, will run like hell from it.

 

 

 

As a wise woman once said, "I am NOT the doctor." ~Alanis Morissette

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

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What do you mean she “ghosted”?

The date was only a few nights ago. What happened since then?

Maybe you’re jumping the gun on deciding something’s wrong.

 

Well, after the date, I went home and went str8 to sleep. It was a good date, and I didn't want to play games and wait three days, or whatever the PUA rule is, go by without saying anything at all. The next day, I sent her a short text followup, just saying I had a good time, and I'll see if she's available after the turkey day, and something humorous we'd talked about during the date. No response to either, just radio silence. I've since backed way off, but she is one of those gals that does multi-dating, so I assume she's moved on to other suitors.

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feeling sorry for yourself is not a good direction to go on. The truth is, what you see has little to do with reality.. and in many ways it's more depressing than being single.

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Well, after the date, I went home and went str8 to sleep. It was a good date, and I didn't want to play games and wait three days, or whatever the PUA rule is, go by without saying anything at all. The next day, I sent her a short text followup, just saying I had a good time, and I'll see if she's available after the turkey day, and something humorous we'd talked about during the date. No response to either, just radio silence. I've since backed way off, but she is one of those gals that does multi-dating, so I assume she's moved on to other suitors.

 

Ok. So do what you said you were going to do and contact her after the holiday. If I were in her shoes, I'd assume you'd left town or were somehow wrapped up in something. Nothing here justifies your going all dark on this.

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Well, I'm just a woman, so what would I know, butttt...

 

 

 

 

Well, I'm just a woman, so what would I know, butttt...

 

These [types of] things said in my company on a first date, would cause me to longer be interested, as it is obvious by the words you choose to use to convey your thoughts that you are a negative person/in a negative space, and it's simply not attractive, at all...especially when first meeting someone as to ascertain compatibility for future meets.

 

You could have chosen to instead say "Gosh, I'd sure like that to me", "since my last relationship ended, 5 years ago", "I have not yet found a someone", "people who know me, think I'm a pretty good catch", and "I know I'm relationship material...but, dang it...it sure is frustrating waiting for the right one!"

 

 

 

Notice how all those [replacement] words convey the same thoughts and meanings so as to tell also truthfully tell another your story,

 

but without a single negative tone to any of it? There's not a single person out there who can't relate to those same exact sentiments.

 

Normal, healthy, well-adusted people - men AND women - are typically not attracted to negativity and once it's been detected, will run like hell from it.

 

 

 

As a wise woman once said, "I am NOT the doctor." ~Alanis Morissette

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

In person, I stay positive and avoid the negative. I only spew venom on loveshack :p.

 

The date itself was mostly flawless on my part. I was concerned going in that we'd run out of stuff to talk about, but I was relaxed, made her laugh, I knew at least a little bit about all the obscure philosophers she studies, and we filled three hours easily. If you have a date that went that well, it's pretty demoralizing to not get a second.

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WaitingForBardot
By "suitors", do you mean douches in backwards baseball caps?

Well I'm going to have to disagree with the '_Dude here although his arguments, as always, are compelling... ..lol.. (just a little ribbing O_D, I enjoy your posts just wouldn't follow your advice). The only thing you actually need to change is your fatalistic attitude about dating. Changing yourself to attract someone that already rejected you is throwing good money after bad. And trying to follow PUA-types of advice will most assuredly not get you what you want.

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Well I'm going to have to disagree with the '_Dude here although his arguments, as always, are compelling... ..lol.. (just a little ribbing O_D, I enjoy your posts just wouldn't follow your advice).
That's fair. I have some controversial opinions. I try not to let them shine through IRL.
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Ruby Slippers

You're giving up after she didn't respond to 1 or 2 short texts? Why not give her a call after Thanksgiving and ask her out again?

 

As for feeling down because you haven't yet found the relationship you want, I'm with you there. But people find love at all ages. It just takes some people longer than others to find the right relationship.

 

It's good that you're dating and looking for that person. For me, it's always been a search for the needle in a haystack.

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Oh you are relationship material alright. You are a man, you are a potential relationship. I love men, even the ones that are fixer uppers :p

You should genuinely love women. Some men want and need women but don't really love them. That's no way to have a relationship. If you had positive experience with your mother/aunt/sister, and you respect women, then you are good relationship material. Don't worry.

Grooming is kind of important, although women usually won't tell you this, and it's not a deal breaker. Women notice details like dry flaky skin, dandruff, bad haircut, clothes that don't fit, because we're fussy about ourselves.

I went out with a man and the whole time I wanted to exfoliate his skin...

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In person, I stay positive and avoid the negative. I only spew venom on loveshack :p.

 

The date itself was mostly flawless on my part. I was concerned going in that we'd run out of stuff to talk about, but I was relaxed, made her laugh, I knew at least a little bit about all the obscure philosophers she studies, and we filled three hours easily. If you have a date that went that well, it's pretty demoralizing to not get a second.

 

Flawless? Perhaps you are not good at picking up on signals.

 

I would think about her total lack of contact. Many women would have texted back some version of 'Thank you, you are a great catch but...'. There may have been 'something' that was a bit of a concern to her. I will at least say 'thank you' if a man texts UNLESS I sense a male has a bit of an issue. Unfortunately, from your opening post you do have a negative projection that is a bit worrisome. If I question a man's stability, I don't want to provoke any passive/ aggressive tendencies. Your pouting and immature reaction to being rejected is a hint of something I'd want to avoid. 14 year olds have that reaction...not socially well adjusted men.

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There may have been 'something' that was a bit of a concern to her. I will at least say 'thank you' if a man texts UNLESS I sense a male has a bit of an issue. Unfortunately, from your opening post you do have a negative projection that is a bit worrisome. If I question a man's stability, I don't want to provoke any passive/ aggressive tendencies. Your pouting and immature reaction to being rejected is a hint of something I'd want to avoid. 14 year olds have that reaction...not socially well adjusted men.
Right, because he MUST have done something wrong. It's the man's fault, some small, perceived "weird thing" he did.
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You need to change your attitude. When I began reading this post I thought you were going to say something along the lines of "this couple tried so many apts before they found the one." You saw that story and saw lack not the positives and hopefulness. You can't be bitter and expect a positive person to show up.

 

You do have a right to get down but it can't consume you.

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Oregon dude, aren't you the one that was bitter because you got emotionally involved with a girl that had perfect tits, not much of a personality, and slept around? I would seriously take your dating advice with a grain of salt....

 

OP, when it comes down to it, finding that "match" is hard!

 

Yes, social skills, looks, success etc will up your odds... As you will have more prospects, but finding the one you really want to get involved with takes a certain amount of cosmic luck as well.

 

Just because this one didn't work out, doesn't mean she is with some "better" guy - or that being a prick is the way to find a woman you can love, or that will love you.

 

Back when I was dating heavily, I passed up guys that were cuter, or more successful, or perhaps even "nicer" then the one I choose... There wasn't any thing that those guys could have done differently to change the outcome.

 

Just that spark wasn't there. They didn't give me butterflies. I didn't go home swooning about the man I just met...

 

And no, he isn't a jerk, or a crude bro, but someone I see eye to eye with on so many subjects its amazing. Someone that I can make smile and laugh, and he brings equal joy to my life. It's all the little things you can't put on paper.

 

Sure I dated others that I didn't have a "spark" with, but honestly it was just passing time...

 

When I saw the title of your thread, I thought you were going to describe being emotionally unavailable. Or some type of baggage that you just couldn't get over... Your problems do not sound like the end of the world.

 

Keep working on yourself, the more confident, and straight proud of yourself you become, the more attractive you will be to others.... And while you hope for that cosmic luck, you will be doing something good for yourself.

 

I know the rejection stings :( and is an unfortunate part of the whole process, but do try to stay positive. Enjoy your dates even if its just one, its a learning experience and a chance to get out there and get comfortable meeting new people.

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Oh and adding.... I wouldn't assume you did anything wrong to cause her to ghost you. I have been totally guilty of this in the past. It's an easy way out if you are being a wuss about rejecting someone. She might have just not felt it, and didn't "man up" enough to let you down easy.

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mystikmind2005
Being a good and decent man who is fair, attentive and honest has gotten me nowhere but dumped.

 

Yes, women created the players because the nice guys were sick of getting sh*t on. The women who complain about "no good men" don't really want a good man, anyway. Because when they find him, they take him for granted, try to change him, and exploit his kindnesses.

 

The modern American woman isn't satisfied. The only thing she responds to is poor treatment, and trying to "solve" or "fix" a difficult man.

 

Close, but i think it is more about 'spark'.

 

Ever noticed how many posts there are from women talking about some wonderful nice guy, but there is just no spark?

 

So what all these women are doing is being 'unsatisfied' with nice guys so they can go and enjoy the 'spark' what comes from a player, and then complain about how no good men are once it all falls apart. Meanwhile all those nice guys are not just sitting on their hands are they? They are learning to become players too.

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If according to what you know she was multi dating and has stopped contact with you, there is no doubt to what has happened here.

 

Onto the next one man

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I'm just starting to believe some folks just aren't meant to be in a relationship and I'm one of 'em. Time to retire from dating and accept reality.

 

I can totally relate to this. I think everyone has had thoughts like this at some point. The problem becomes when this becomes your mindset and then a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Being in a relationship is not about excising the parts of yourself that may be deemed "turn offs" or suppressing "negative" qualities. It's not like you get a significant other only after you attain a certain set of character traits, or like you're, I dunno, Mario trying to get to the next level. People aren't sorted into a "relationship" pile and a "non-relationship" pile. That's just ... untrue.

 

People get into relationships all the time. If they have personality disorders, chronic diseases, missing limbs, bad tempers, fat stomachs, crooked teeth, sh*tty parents, criminal histories, speech impediments, student debt, dead-end jobs, drinking problems, bad breath; it doesn't matter—those are really only obstacles if you allow them to be. Granted, it's EASIER to find a mate without any of the above, but to completely null and void yourself because of perceived flaws is akin to being your own worst enemy.

 

You know what a relationship is? It's just a connection between two people. I agree with OD in that yeah, it may take going out on a LOT of dates, but if you focus on trying to connect—and not on what she might think of you, or all the reasons she may not like you, or how "well" you "performed"—then I think A) you'll have a more enjoyable experience overall, and B) you'll find a bit more success.

 

Keep at it though. A lot of us are in the same boat.

Edited by losangelena
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