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BF went on a 20 minute drunken tirade of verbal abuse


recycledheart

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recycledheart

Apologies in advance for the lengthy post.

 

This weekend, my boyfriend of 8 months, took me 2 hours away to visit a friend of his. The two of us, his friend, his friend's girlfriend, and two others, all went out drinking/clubbing that night. We drank a lot at his friends place, went to pubs after, then headed to a night club. We all got very drunk and ended up staying out until 3am. All night he'd been his usual loving, caring and protective self, and then when we got back things really changed.

 

We were sleeping on the sofas in his friends' living room. He was laying down and the others were just milling around chatting. I went to get changed into my PJs and he asked what I was doing, so I explained. He told me to come lie down with him, and I said that I would once I got changed. Then he said "Just come lie down and stop being a c***."

 

Now, he uses that word an awful lot -he's got a real potty mouth- and he calls everyone a c***, even people he cares about like his friends and his brothers. It' almost a term of endearment, banter or whatever. Usually it wouldn't bother me and I'd just call him something back, but because I was so drunk I got really upset. Plus, all his friends overheard and called him out on it, saying that it was wrong etc. I started to cry and everyone's attention turned on me, so my boyfriend stood up and said he was going to drive home. I stood in the doorway to stop him, and he said "if you don't let me go, I'll hurt you."

 

I told everyone what he said, and of course, they freaked out. So he accused me of 'turning his friends against him', said awful things to EVERYONE in the room, and left. I was terrified that he'd do something stupid, so his friend went out to find him and eventually brought him back. Things settled down a bit and everyone went to bed - it was now just the 2 of us in the living room, and that's when he went on his tirade of verbal abuse saying:

 

"I could do so much better than you, I could get someone so much prettier, I have girls falling at my feet. I'm in the position of power, without me you'd have nothing, you'd have no one. Those people don't care about you, they don't want to be your friend, they feel sorry for you. I could leave you right now and it wouldn't bother me. You turned my friends against me, you've ruined the best things that's ever happened to you. I'm going to drive you home tomorrow and that's it, I'm going to call my friends and get them to set me up with a better girl. You mean nothing to me."

 

I let him get on with it, and didn't say a word back, because I knew he'd carry on if he got a rise out of me. It worked, and he fell asleep. I didn't sleep at all that night, hoping he'd wake up and have no recollection of what he done. When he woke up, he was still drunk, and when I asked if he remembered what happened, he said "Yeah, you were being a c***" No apology, no remorse.

 

After an hour or so he sobered up and apologised, said he felt really guilty, and that he didn't mean any of it, he just wanted to hurt me. I said that I didn't want to talk about it. About 6 hours later, when we were driving home, he asked what he said, and I told him. He immediately started crying, apologised profusely, told me loved me, that he didn't mean it, that he didn't know what he'd do without me. He asked me why I hadn't left him, said he must have something wrong with him, and that he was disgusted in himself. I said I'd forgiven him, which I have.

 

His friend told me that this has happened a couple of time before, that on the occasion, when really drunk he can get nasty. He's been drunk around me plenty of times before, and this has never happened, he's never been mean to me or anyone else in the time I've known him. I'm sure it was just the alcohol talking, that he didn't mean it, and that he just said those things to hurt me - he knew which buttons to press. I'm hoping this never happens again. I've promised myself that if it does, then I'll leave him. I can forgive him once, and only once, but any more than once and he'll think he can keep getting away with it.

 

Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this situation.

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If sometimes he can drink and he's fine, and other times when he drinks he gets "nasty" (as his friends have indicated he's done "a couple of times"), it's a sign by his body that it's no longer processing alcohol well. Whatever amount he's been [binge] drinking, is already doing internal damage.

 

How bad it gets, depends on him. Is he willing to keep up his current pace of [binge] drinking, or will he take it as the necessary sign to stop/slow waaaaay down?

 

 

Oh, and by the way, being "nasty" to someone you love, even just once and even just when drunk, is no excuse. There is never a good reason to be "nasty" to someone you love; your purpose in his life is NOT to be the 'dog he can kick' when he's had a bad day.

 

 

Two separate issues...how you handle them, is up to you. Personally, I'd tell him either he'll get control over being "nasty" to me (by doing whatever it takes to NOT be that way), or I'll control it for him, by removing myself from his life, so I'm never on the receiving end of it, again.

 

 

Best of luck to you with your choices, OP...

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I dated a guy once who did that. And it did happen again. That was it for me.

 

Your boyfriend has some problems with anger and alcohol, apparently. It was the first time you saw it, but his friends indicated they've seen this before. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. Unless he really works to address what exactly is going on inside himself, be prepared for it to happen again.

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You need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a group for people who love substance abusers. Don't try to excuse his behavior by saying he only did it this one time to you & you therefore know he doesn't have a problem. The group isn't about his behavior. It's about yours. Go sit through the meeting. Then answer your own Q.

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Things settled down a bit and everyone went to bed - it was now just the 2 of us in the living room, and that's when he went on his tirade of verbal abuse saying:

 

"I could do so much better than you, I could get someone so much prettier, I have girls falling at my feet.....

 

.

 

I realize you wrote a lot after the bolded...however, that is the point where I would quietly gotten up, gotten dressed, gathered my stuff, left and called a cab!!

 

So my question to you is.... .why didn't you do that?

 

And why are still with this asshat?

 

His behavior was inexcusable, drunk or otherwise.

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This is your wake up call to who he really is, what he really thinks about you and his capacity for alcohol abuse and domestic abuse. As someone whose wife volunteers for a halfway house, this is indicative of the beginnings of domestic abuse. This is your huge red flag to get away from a potential abuser.

Good luck,

Grumps

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I realize you wrote a lot after the bolded...however, that is the point where I would quietly gotten up, gotten dressed, gathered my stuff, left and called a cab!!

 

So my question to you is.... .why didn't you do that?

 

And why are still with this asshat?

 

His behavior was inexcusable, drunk or otherwise.

 

And to add, I wouldn't have cared if it was five hours away!

 

I would have left even if it cost me a fortune.

 

Money well spent!!

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Apologies in advance for the lengthy post.

 

This weekend, my boyfriend of 8 months, took me 2 hours away to visit a friend of his. The two of us, his friend, his friend's girlfriend, and two others, all went out drinking/clubbing that night. We drank a lot at his friends place, went to pubs after, then headed to a night club. We all got very drunk and ended up staying out until 3am. All night he'd been his usual loving, caring and protective self, and then when we got back things really changed.

 

We were sleeping on the sofas in his friends' living room. He was laying down and the others were just milling around chatting. I went to get changed into my PJs and he asked what I was doing, so I explained. He told me to come lie down with him, and I said that I would once I got changed. Then he said "Just come lie down and stop being a c***."

 

Now, he uses that word an awful lot -he's got a real potty mouth- and he calls everyone a c***, even people he cares about like his friends and his brothers. It' almost a term of endearment, banter or whatever. Usually it wouldn't bother me and I'd just call him something back, but because I was so drunk I got really upset. Plus, all his friends overheard and called him out on it, saying that it was wrong etc. I started to cry and everyone's attention turned on me, so my boyfriend stood up and said he was going to drive home. I stood in the doorway to stop him, and he said "if you don't let me go, I'll hurt you."

 

I told everyone what he said, and of course, they freaked out. So he accused me of 'turning his friends against him', said awful things to EVERYONE in the room, and left. I was terrified that he'd do something stupid, so his friend went out to find him and eventually brought him back. Things settled down a bit and everyone went to bed - it was now just the 2 of us in the living room, and that's when he went on his tirade of verbal abuse saying:

 

"I could do so much better than you, I could get someone so much prettier, I have girls falling at my feet. I'm in the position of power, without me you'd have nothing, you'd have no one. Those people don't care about you, they don't want to be your friend, they feel sorry for you. I could leave you right now and it wouldn't bother me. You turned my friends against me, you've ruined the best things that's ever happened to you. I'm going to drive you home tomorrow and that's it, I'm going to call my friends and get them to set me up with a better girl. You mean nothing to me."

 

I let him get on with it, and didn't say a word back, because I knew he'd carry on if he got a rise out of me. It worked, and he fell asleep. I didn't sleep at all that night, hoping he'd wake up and have no recollection of what he done. When he woke up, he was still drunk, and when I asked if he remembered what happened, he said "Yeah, you were being a c***" No apology, no remorse.

 

After an hour or so he sobered up and apologised, said he felt really guilty, and that he didn't mean any of it, he just wanted to hurt me. I said that I didn't want to talk about it. About 6 hours later, when we were driving home, he asked what he said, and I told him. He immediately started crying, apologised profusely, told me loved me, that he didn't mean it, that he didn't know what he'd do without me. He asked me why I hadn't left him, said he must have something wrong with him, and that he was disgusted in himself. I said I'd forgiven him, which I have.

 

His friend told me that this has happened a couple of time before, that on the occasion, when really drunk he can get nasty. He's been drunk around me plenty of times before, and this has never happened, he's never been mean to me or anyone else in the time I've known him. I'm sure it was just the alcohol talking, that he didn't mean it, and that he just said those things to hurt me - he knew which buttons to press. I'm hoping this never happens again. I've promised myself that if it does, then I'll leave him. I can forgive him once, and only once, but any more than once and he'll think he can keep getting away with it.

 

Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this situation.

 

wow... you're trying to figure out how to stay with him? smh

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"A drunk mind speaks a sober heart" as they say.

 

Enough said.

 

Yep. This is what he thinks deep down, even if he won't admit it to you or himself. Plus, if you're thinking potentially marriage and kids one day, do you think you want to expose them to this behavior?

 

You're better than this dude.

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I have to ask you how little do you esteem yourself or love yourself?

 

I'd have left him that night and never taken him back. He spoke what he really thought of you--alcohol removes the filter between the brain and the mouth. He thinks he can do better than you and has women at the ready. I'd have left him to it.

 

Are you going to like who you have to turn into in order to keep this asshat in your life?

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recycledheart

I have to admit that I do have very low self-esteem, I've been seeing a counselor about this and other issues for the past few months...

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Something very similar happened to me once. About ten years ago I dated this guy for a while, and his substance abuse issues began slowly coming to light the more I got to know him.

 

A few months into our dating, a college friend of mine invited us up to the Bay Area for a NYE party, where my BF decided to get BLINDING drunk, and then pick a fight with me at the host's home after I refused to kiss him at midnight (because he'd gotten so drunk). During his tirade, he told me he'd never found me physically attractive, and how I didn't understand him because we grew up differently, and he said that he did (or does) cocaine with his parents, etc. It was some of the nastiest stuff anyone's ever said to me, and after a while he paused at said, "oh," as if he realized what he'd just done. But it was too late.

 

After the most miserable New Year's Day ever, and one incredibly awkward car ride back to Los Angeles, I never spoke to him again. Good riddance, I'd say; I don't tolerate any kind of verbal cruelty.

 

I think your BF just did you a favor, revealing his true self to you. If you were smart, you'd heed this as a warning sign and take your exit. There are men out there who will love you and be kind, who will not treat you like trash. Who cares if he does it again (and I'm sure he will), once is one time too many. Even if you have a hard time believing you deserve someone better, listen to us—we're telling you the truth.

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I'm not really sure how I feel about the situation, I'm going to give it some time, and see how I feel then.

 

Unless there is a lot more to this story you are not saying (e.g. you were abusive to him initially or something) then it's pretty clear you need to walk away.

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Perhaps when his verbal abuse escalates to physical (which is always does eventually)...and he breaks her nose or throws acid on her face or slices with a razor blade deforming her.... she'll decide to leave him.

 

Don't think it could happen OP? Think again!!

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There is never any situation or occasion where it is acceptable to call anyone a c***!

 

Nastiest word ever.

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What happened was an eye-opener. He should get some therapy so he could deal with his issues properly. Otherwise, his attitude will surely make your relationship and your life miserable if you justify it or just let it pass. Think about it.. Best of luck hun!

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Everything he said is intended to knock you down so low that you'll start to think he's the only one that cares about you.

 

-You're not attractive

-No one even likes you

-Everything you have is because of me

-Without me you'd be nothing

 

Everything he said is intended to break you so that you are dependent on him. Then it will escalate into more frequent abuse.

 

There is one thing he said that's very true: I am in the position of power.

 

I believe deep down he knows this, and he's using your low self-esteem against you. His friends have seen him pull this stunt before, it's not going to somehow stop or change. He just displayed typical abuser pattern.

 

Substance abuse --> lack of control --> verbal abuse --> sober "remorse" apology --> promise it won't happen again

 

Lather, rinse, repeat. The cycle begins again.

 

I find his question: "Why are you even still with me" along with his tears as a manipulation tactic to make you feel sorry for him.

 

You can sit on this all you want. You can wait and see how you feel later all you want. But the end result will always be the same. You're with an abuser, and there's no where to go from this point but even farther downward.

 

You need to leave him. You can't be in therapy to work on your self-esteem and then remain with an abuser, it's completely counter intuitive to any progress you might make.

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...You need to leave him. You can't be in therapy to work on your self-esteem and then remain with an abuser, it's completely counter intuitive to any progress you might make.

 

This^^^

 

You need to also not be in ANY relationship with any man, 'til you get a handle on your issues;

 

trying to get with someone before that, ensures you'll be attracting only those who want you to have low self-esteem and will do whatever is necessary to keep it there.

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