How do I differentiate between emotional unavailability and someone who gives space?

[paigej91]

I find myself attracting 2 opposite extremes of men, with few and far in-between:

• 
  The clinger (blows up my phone with too many texts/calls, gets overly emotional about small things, creates drama, overanalyzes, etc.)
  The emotional coward (creates both the mental and physical chemistry needed for a relationship, gives me attention without suffocating me, but has the Peter Pan/Bachelor syndrome and is a complete coward when it comes to emotional matters)
  

 

Part of me wonders if I myself am actually emotionally unavailable and that's why I find the men who give me a lot more space attractive. But then I know that is not true, as I have found myself being emotionally available with 2 men in particular in the second category. And by "emotionally available", I certainly wasn't suffocating/chasing them, but I did mentally find myself open to love.

 

To be fair, I am an extremely independent person who does a lot on her own and, as such, clingers don't jive well with me. I would love to do more with a partner, though. I crave the intimacy and companionship, but cannot seem to find that without the clinginess that often accompanies it (which just makes me feel suffocated/frustrated).

 

Where is the line between a man who's emotionally unavailable/an emotional coward vs. a man who gives you the appropriate amount of space you need? I really have been having a hell of a time finding someone who gives me the appropriate amount of space (ie: a non-clinger) whilst not being a complete emotional coward. Is there a way I can differentiate this? I'm thinking that could be where my problem lies.

Edited November 21, 2015 by paigej91

[Buddhist]

I really have been having a hell of a time finding someone who gives me the appropriate amount of space (ie: a non-clinger) whilst not being a complete emotional coward. Is there a way I can differentiate this? I'm thinking that could be where my problem lies.

 

What you're asking there is where is the emotionally healthy person who's available for a relationship? And the answer is, they are few and far between. It's not just you, it's the entire world has this problem. The reason being that most people are insecure on some level and act it out in relationships as a way to plug the gaping hole in their self esteem.

 

You'll just have to keep searching.

[Odinani]

True. And even emotionally available fairly healthy guys can feel like clingers if you are Just Not That Into the particular guy.

 

What you're asking there is where is the emotionally healthy person who's available for a relationship? And the answer is, they are few and far between. It's not just you, it's the entire world has this problem. The reason being that most people are insecure on some level and act it out in relationships as a way to plug the gaping hole in their self esteem.

 

You'll just have to keep searching.

[oregon0011]

I find myself attracting 2 opposite extremes of men, with few and far in-between:

• 
  The clinger (blows up my phone with too many texts/calls, gets overly emotional about small things, creates drama, overanalyzes, etc.)
  The emotional coward (creates both the mental and physical chemistry needed for a relationship, gives me attention without suffocating me, but has the Peter Pan/Bachelor syndrome and is a complete coward when it comes to emotional matters)
  

 

Part of me wonders if I myself am actually emotionally unavailable and that's why I find the men who give me a lot more space attractive. But then I know that is not true, as I have found myself being emotionally available with 2 men in particular in the second category. And by "emotionally available", I certainly wasn't suffocating/chasing them, but I did mentally find myself open to love.

 

To be fair, I am an extremely independent person who does a lot on her own and, as such, clingers don't jive well with me. I would love to do more with a partner, though. I crave the intimacy and companionship, but cannot seem to find that without the clinginess that often accompanies it (which just makes me feel suffocated/frustrated).

 

Where is the line between a man who's emotionally unavailable/an emotional coward vs. a man who gives you the appropriate amount of space you need? I really have been having a hell of a time finding someone who gives me the appropriate amount of space (ie: a non-clinger) whilst not being a complete emotional coward. Is there a way I can differentiate this? I'm thinking that could be where my problem lies.

 

Oh. More useless labels.

 

In the past women would have axe with men they are interested in to marry. So all parties knew what was going on. Everyone at ease.

 

Now women sleep with strangers on the first or second date.

 

Often times these women attach emotions to sex and come on super strong.

 

Then the guy is developing feelings , and then the woman gets scared. I mean after all she is just use to being used for sex. So she withdraws and the guy becomes a clinger.

[oregon0011]

It all just seems so selfish. Instead of focusing on how to keep a man, and how to make yourself better for him, it is "oh how can I find this perfect guy whoni can fit into my schedule that is sooo busy. And he should be devoted to me when I need him. Or he is a clinger"

[Odinani]

There's another category known as the Stage 5 Clinger

 

Oh. More useless labels.

 

In the past women would have axe with men they are interested in to marry. So all parties knew what was going on. Everyone at ease.

 

Now women sleep with strangers on the first or second date.

 

Often times these women attach emotions to sex and come on super strong.

 

Then the guy is developing feelings , and then the woman gets scared. I mean after all she is just use to being used for sex. So she withdraws and the guy becomes a clinger.

[Odinani]

[katiegrl]

I find myself attracting 2 opposite extremes of men, with few and far in-between:

• 
  The clinger (blows up my phone with too many texts/calls, gets overly emotional about small things, creates drama, overanalyzes, etc.)
  The emotional coward (creates both the mental and physical chemistry needed for a relationship, gives me attention without suffocating me, but has the Peter Pan/Bachelor syndrome and is a complete coward when it comes to emotional matters)
  

 

Part of me wonders if I myself am actually emotionally unavailable and that's why I find the men who give me a lot more space attractive. But then I know that is not true, as I have found myself being emotionally available with 2 men in particular in the second category. And by "emotionally available", I certainly wasn't suffocating/chasing them, but I did mentally find myself open to love.

 

To be fair, I am an extremely independent person who does a lot on her own and, as such, clingers don't jive well with me. I would love to do more with a partner, though. I crave the intimacy and companionship, but cannot seem to find that without the clinginess that often accompanies it (which just makes me feel suffocated/frustrated).

 

Where is the line between a man who's emotionally unavailable/an emotional coward vs. a man who gives you the appropriate amount of space you need? I really have been having a hell of a time finding someone who gives me the appropriate amount of space (ie: a non-clinger) whilst not being a complete emotional coward. Is there a way I can differentiate this? I'm thinking that could be where my problem lies.

 

paige, to find that happy medium within a relationship takes communication and compromise. On both your parts.

 

If you find you are not jiving with respect to space/closeness/emotional availability .....you communicate the amount of space/closeness that YOU are comfortable with ...and he does the same.

 

Then ideally you meet somewhere in the middle...

 

I am very much like you. Extremely independent, need lots of *space* and lone time. However, that does NOT mean I am not emotionally available ...to the contrary ...I am very emotionally open ...as is my fiance.

 

However, it did take awhile for us to reach this *happy medium* ...as in the beginning, he desired more contact, more time spent together, etc than I was comfortable with. TBH, I thought he was a bit clingy (for lack of a better word) ...for me anyway.

 

However, I was so crazy about him and felt what we had (and have) was so special, that instead of just dumping him ...I communicated my feelings, making sure he knew how interested in him I was ....but just *different* from him with respect to space issues.

 

We ended up meeting in the middle, which did require **both** of us to step out of our respective comfort zones for the good of the relationship as a whole.

 

There is not a man alive who is going to check all your boxes and jive with you on everything you need and require. You need to compromise some of what you need and are comfortable with, and so does he. Step out of your comfort zone.

 

As long as he understands the reason you need more space (and that it's not a rejection of HIM) ...it should all be good!

 

If you are willing to understand his feelings and compromise your needs (a bit), but he is not willing to understand and compromise yours, then you're just incompatible and you should move on.

 

Hope that makes sense!

Edited November 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Woggle]

Deep down you don't want a relationship but you also don't like how it makes you feel when a guy can take or leave you so you feel conflicted. Just date unavailable men and don't let your ego get caught up in it.

[casey.lives]

You have to keep lines of communication flowing. when you want closeness -ask ..when you want space - ask.... and let them do the same. that's all

 

But the peter pan thing.. after 1 yr ..if your'e honest with yourself.. you'll be able to tell. Give guys a set time or move on.

[oregon0011]

it also depends if sex occurred yet, or not..

 

I feel it is a red flag if a girl is sleeping with you, but needs excessive "space".

 

Example.. I am really into Jessica.. Great chemistry.. Funny, laughing, great time...Great sex.. But she is free one night a week..

 

Now what is a guy supposed to do the other 6? I guess if he has sex with other women, or goes on dates he is cheating.. Supposed to sit around and wait for that one free day?

 

if i enjoy a woman's company, I want to see her often.. And it should be mutual.. or what is the point? Just to have someone so you are not totally alone?

[LostOnes05]

No one knows your style of communication unless you tell them. I wrote this in another thread, but it still rings true. People complain without communicating their wants first. If the guy is blowing up your phone, ask him if you can ease up on the texting because you're busy and don't want to leave his messages in the wind. Tell them you when you're available to talk instead (but you have to compromise as well). If the guy doesn't contact you enough, say "hey guy I'd like to hear from you more often. I makes my day". And go from there.

[katiegrl]

it also depends if sex occurred yet, or not..

 

I feel it is a red flag if a girl is sleeping with you, but needs excessive "space".

 

Example.. I am really into Jessica.. Great chemistry.. Funny, laughing, great time...Great sex.. But she is free one night a week..

 

Now what is a guy supposed to do the other 6? I guess if he has sex with other women, or goes on dates he is cheating.. Supposed to sit around and wait for that one free day?

 

if i enjoy a woman's company, I want to see her often.. And it should be mutual.. or what is the point? Just to have someone so you are not totally alone?

 

Solution: Have a fulfilling life outside your relationship ..so you are not "sitting around" waiting for her to be available to suit YOUR needs.

 

I think it is important to be flexible, and *not* rigid ...in understanding that not everyone is like you and as such have different needs and comfort zones. And busy lives outside a new relationship.

 

Once a week for the first few weeks works for many people as most people have busy lives OUTSIDE a relationship.

 

In time, it increases to two, then three times and so on.

 

Patience, understanding, flexibility, compromise are all necessary to achieve a happy healthy long term mutually rewarding relationship.

 

It would behoove you to learn that oregon, you appear to be quite rigid in your thinking.

 

Jmo from reading your posts.

Edited November 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[oregon0011]

Solution: Have a fulfilling life outside your relationship ..so you are not "sitting around" waiting for her to be available to suit YOUR needs.

 

I think it is important to be flexible, and *not* rigid ...in understanding that not everyone is like you and as such have different needs and comfort zones. And busy lives outside a new relationship.

 

Once a week for the first few weeks works for many people as most people have busy lives OUTSIDE a relationship.

 

In time, it increases to two, then three times and so on.

 

Patience, understanding, flexibility, compromise are all necessary to achieve a happy healthy long term mutually rewarding relationship.

 

It would behoove you to learn that oregon, you appear to be quite rigid in your thinking.

 

Jmo from reading your posts.

 

Obviously the first few weeks you aren't together much..

 

Well, thats the issue.. If I had 6 nights a week filled up, I would want to be alone on my 7th..I really wouldn't be "dating material"

 

I just never went into a relationship thinking "Oh, I hope she doesn't like me that much that she wants to spend lots of time with me" And then call her a clinger..

[SwordofFlame]

it also depends if sex occurred yet, or not..

 

I feel it is a red flag if a girl is sleeping with you, but needs excessive "space".

 

Example.. I am really into Jessica.. Great chemistry.. Funny, laughing, great time...Great sex.. But she is free one night a week..

 

Now what is a guy supposed to do the other 6? I guess if he has sex with other women, or goes on dates he is cheating.. Supposed to sit around and wait for that one free day?

 

if i enjoy a woman's company, I want to see her often.. And it should be mutual.. or what is the point? Just to have someone so you are not totally alone?

I can kind of understand how most guys will either react in one of two ways. They'll either try harder if they really like you and then you'll label them as clingy. Or they'll treat you almost like an FWB, if they don't really like you as much, other than for sex.

[Odinani]

it also depends if sex occurred yet, or not..

 

I feel it is a red flag if a girl is sleeping with you, but needs excessive "space".

 

Example.. I am really into Jessica.. Great chemistry.. Funny, laughing, great time...Great sex.. But she is free one night a week..

 

Now what is a guy supposed to do the other 6? I guess if he has sex with other women, or goes on dates he is cheating.. Supposed to sit around and wait for that one free day?

 

if i enjoy a woman's company, I want to see her often.. And it should be mutual.. or what is the point? Just to have someone so you are not totally alone?

 

No wonder women feel so suffocated by some guys!

[thecrucible]

I feel you, OP. I get a lot o f the "emotional coward" type. But I'm so imperfect myself that I think it's totally my fault I attract these guys. :/

[paigej91]

I can kind of understand how most guys will either react in one of two ways. They'll either try harder if they really like you and then you'll label them as clingy. Or they'll treat you almost like an FWB, if they don't really like you as much, other than for sex.

 

Why are these the 2 overwhelming (and opposite) responses, though? And is there anything Ican do to avoid these 2 horrible extremes?

[paigej91]

What you're asking there is where is the emotionally healthy person who's available for a relationship? And the answer is, they are few and far between. It's not just you, it's the entire world has this problem. The reason being that most people are insecure on some level and act it out in relationships as a way to plug the gaping hole in their self esteem.

 

You'll just have to keep searching.

 

So, are you saying insecurity is at the root of both of these extremes? Can you explain this more?

[paigej91]

Deep down you don't want a relationship but you also don't like how it makes you feel when a guy can take or leave you so you feel conflicted. Just date unavailable men and don't let your ego get caught up in it.

 

I can't date unavailable men and just "leave out" my emotions. Things just don't work that way, and it's why women always get screwed over in the end with those arrangements.

 

I'm not sure if your "deep down you don't want a relationship" comment is accurate, though. I enjoy my ultimate freedom as a single, yes, but some freedom can also be achieved within the context of the right relationship. Aside from that, I can't think of anything I would really miss about single life.

[Woggle]

It just seems like a damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of situation for a guy. He stays distant and unavailable and that's not good but if he cares and shows it then he is smothering and suffocating.

[katiegrl]

I can't date unavailable men and just "leave out" my emotions. Things just don't work that way, and it's why women always get screwed over in the end with those arrangements.

 

I'm not sure if your "deep down you don't want a relationship" comment is accurate, though.

 

I enjoy my ultimate freedom as a single, yes,

 

 

 

**but some freedom can also be achieved within the context of the right relationship.****

 

^^Absolutely! The key being it's the *right* relationship ...for both people.

[paigej91]

It just seems like a damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of situation for a guy. He stays distant and unavailable and that's not good but if he cares and shows it then he is smothering and suffocating.

 

I see your point, but surely there should be a happy medium? Or perhaps I'm too optimistic.

[thecrucible]

I see your point, but surely there should be a happy medium? Or perhaps I'm too optimistic.

 

I agree. I think most people, men or women are the same. We all look for the 'best of both worlds'. Nobody wants either extreme. The only problem would be if you were over-interpreting actions based on this.

 

The main question is "does this person make me feel good?". If the answer is 'yes', no need to analyse beyond that.

[tojaz]

Why are these the 2 overwhelming (and opposite) responses, though? And is there anything Ican do to avoid these 2 horrible extremes?

 

Because you are searching for someone that will come pre-fit into the space you have available.... nothing more (clinger), nothing less (unavailable). That flat out doesn't exist for either sex. That's an accessory, like a pair of earrings or a gold watch that gets pulled out when the occasion calls for it and just as easily is slipped back into the box and put on the shelf until the next time it is needed.

 

Relationships, real invested relationships just don't work like that. There are just too many variables two separate sets of emotions, ideals, needs that are themselves always in a state of flux.

 

If you're truly intent on finding that perfect needle in a haystack, take a piece of paper and draw two overlapping circles, one to signify you and one for your love interest. Overlap the circles in a way that would indicate how much you would like your lives to overlap. When you meet someone, have them do the same and compare, what do you think the odds are?

 

There are very few things in this world that are a perfect fit right off the rack. Things that are tailor made......... get that way by being tailored.

 

TOJAZ

Edited November 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator