My boyfriend gets mad over nothing

[amkxoxo]

My boyfriend and I (both 23) dated for 5 months and have now been in a relationship for 2 months. We had our ups and downs but we love each other, so we quickly get over misunderstandings and move through it.

 

His birthday is tomorrow. For weeks, I have been asking him what he wants to do. I have been thinking about doing something special for him. Surprise him, the day of his birthday. I kept asking him his plans so I could plan something fun around that time. I wanted to do something causal with his friends, a cake, and maybe a movie night at my house.

 

He kept changing his plans. One minute he was doing something on his actual birthday (Thursday), then he wasn't, then he was. The time of things were changing constantly. I reached out to some of his friends to plan something for the day of his birthday, but many of them were working or not around. The only people that were around were my girl friend and her boyfriend who are also friendly with my boyfriend. So in thought about making it a double date type of thing.

 

My boyfriend sprung on me that he wanted to do something else during that time, not knowing that it was a little surprise thing I was planning for him. I tried to talk him out of his other plans, even hinting that I had wanted to make a plan, but he wanted to do his thing. At this point after weeks of trying to coordinate dates and times I gave up on trying to make plans for him, and decided to let him do what he wanted to do.

 

 

A couple days before his birthday he comes out with that Friday (the day after) he wants to go to this nice place over an hour away. He then tells em to coordinate this with his friends. I didn't like that. That i was responsible to coordinate this plan with his friends. If he knows exactly what he wants to do and who he wants to invite, then he needs to make the plan himself. I wasn't eve sure how to go about this.

 

Two days before his birthday, I got really sick at my job and had to go home sick. I also started having an issue with my car (horrible luck)

 

My boyfriend knew I had fallen ill. I even warned him that I wasn't sure if I would be able to do some of the birthday activities. I stayed home from work today, in hopes that I would be okay for his birthday tomorrow. I still feel somewhat sick, but am hoping I can just get through and rest on my off time. I also have to go to work tomorrow.

 

I realized tonight how close it was to his birthday and how I still hadn't heard anything more about the trip on Friday. I figured I would follow up with my boyfriend in case he needed me to help plan. I reached out to him to ask the plan. He told me he didn't know, that his two friends were coordinating it. I told him that I hadn't heard from his two friends and I was nervous about driving because of my car.

 

I went ahead and invited my girl friend and her boyfriend on friday since they are friends with my boyfriend and we often do double date things together. I told my boyfriend I invited them and he got all mad at me saying that he invited who he wanted for his birthday and we could have done something another day with them instead.

 

I didn't see the big deal. My girl friend invited my boyfriend to her birthday. My boyfriend often invites them to things at his house, whether I can go or not. I figured we were all friends and it wasn't a big deal. My boyfriend got snippy with me saying that I need to contact his friend myself to know about the plans. I told him I would, I was just getting nervous not knowing two days ahead, since its quite the trip and I'm still under the weather. He disregarded what I said and just kept being snippy.

 

I then told him how I tried to plan something at my house with all of his friends, but no one could do certain times or days and then I got sick and it just didn't pan out. I let him know that the only people willing to rearrange their schedules to celebrate were my girl friend and her boyfriend. Which was true. He just said "yup"

 

I asked if he was mad, he said yes. I asked why and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I asked why he was mad at me, since I didn't do anything. He said again, he didn't want to talk about it.

 

I said fine and that I would give him space and let it go. He was mad and I didn't want to talk to him mad.

 

He then followed up and said that me giving him space is me not talking to him and that he wouldn't chase me.

 

I couldn't believe he would say that to me. I was giving him space. He said about three times that he didn't want to talk about it. So I figured we weren't going to talk until he calmed down. But he blamed me for not talking to him? That doesn't make sense.

 

I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about and that nothing that was said was angry or would have made him angry so I didn't understand what was wrong.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want to talk about it, but that I should have dropped it. I told him I didn't understand. There was nothing to drop. I wasn't upset or angry. But he was making me that way by his attitude.

 

He keeps telling me to let it go, like its my problem I have with him. That makes me mad and unable to let it go, because I didn't do anything wrong. I keep telling him I didn't do anything wrong, and he just keeps saying to change the subject. He tells me that if I feel like I didn't do anything wrong, that I am saying he is just picking on me for absolutely nothing.

 

I read the whole conversation to my mother, twice. She didn't think I said anything to hurt his feelings either. And she tells me the truth. She has told me I have insulted people in the past.

 

I don't know if he is mad that I invited my friend or if its because I didn't actively plan his birthday. I invited my friend because she considers herself a good friend of his, and she is my best friend. Plus I only told him I mention sit to her, and she said she wasn't sure if they could go. She later told me she can't go anyway. I have been trying to plan something special for him for weeks. My mom even knew it because I talked to her about it all the time. I got him a bunch of nice gifts, and spent a lot of money I've been surprising him with gift after gift for days. I wanted to make it clear that I couldn't drive my car because something was wrong with it. So I did what he suggested and texted his friends to ask them about the plans and I apologized for not being able to drive the hour away with my car. He wants to have this exclusive guest list for his birthday, but he wants everyone else to plan it for him. That doesn't make sense.

 

And thats not the way my friends and I plan birthdays. I will ask my friend what she wants to do and she will decide and I will help her plan it. Help her. Not plan it for her. Then she gets what she wants. I was asking him about the plans because I hadn't heard anything from his friends. I work for the next two days, and I wouldn't be able to coordinate anything during those two days. I figured he would know his own plans for his birthday.

 

I read over the conversation time an time again and I didn't say anything to him that was insulting or rude to hurt his feelings. How this turned into an argument, I do not know. And then its all turned on me. That I made him mad. I don't get it. I'm upset now. Its not fair. I'm mad at him.

[mystikmind2005]

Let me guess a few things here....

 

1) In general, you are the one adjusting to fit in with him?

 

2) You are the one going the extra distance to make peace?

 

3) You are the one compromising more of yourself to make the relationship work?

 

4) he frequently puts you down or your ideas in a friendly way, but it does not quite sit rite with you?

 

5) There are emerging elements that signal his desire to separate you from your friends and family, even if he is not directly obvious about it?

 

6) He likes to be your moral authority?

 

7) In general you feel that your self confidence is not quite as strong as it used to be?

 

If you answer yes to most of these questions, it means you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

[scorpiogirl]

This guy is an idiot. He's self-centred. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Immature.

 

You should seriously examine your relationship with him. Are you fulfilled? Do you feel more happy than sad?

[mystikmind2005]

OP has not returned so far?

 

If my previous post was wrong, usually they would be quick to say so. So i wonder what no reply says?

 

Poor girl

[d0nnivain]

This guy is an idiot. ?

 

That's exactly what I was thinking.

 

If he wanted to make plans, he should have made them. When he didn't' make plans he should have been grateful that you tried to do anything (although at only 5 months in I doubt I would have done anything more than gotten a card & small gift which I would have given him when I saw him & maybe picked up the check if we went out to dinner)

 

His refusal to talk about what was upsetting him was childish & immature. Adults discuss their problems / concerns / disappointments as a way to clear the air, get past them & prevent them from recurring.

[katiegrl]

She's been having trouble in this RL from day one.... posted several previous threads about him..

 

OP please do yourself a favor, and get rid.

[amkxoxo]

I was more than willing to discuss whatever it was that upset him. Thats what I wanted to do. Get to the bottom of it. He claims once he starts telling me how he feels, then I follow up with why he shouldn't be mad at all. (Overreact, because he does) and then apparently I "disregard" his feelings. So he would rather not talk about it.

 

If I knew I said something hurtful or mean, I would listen to him and try to make things better. But when I did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation, how do I disregard his feelings. There is nothing for him to be hurt about. I don't need to apologize and I don't need to let him weep on my shoulder. I didn't do or say anything to hurt him. He is way too sensitive sometimes. He needs to let some things go. Me asking about plans for HIS birthday because I am HIS girlfriend is normal. I figured once I started asking these questions and he didn't know the answers he would reach out and ask his friend himself, not tell me to chase them down. I know his friends. They are my friends. I don't mind reaching out to them. I just figured my boyfriend would at least know something about his own birthday. Nothing to get annoyed over.

 

I do feel like every time something happens and I'm not super sensitive towards his feelings he thinks I disregard them. I will be sensitive, when something is generally wrong. He gets hurt over nothing. There is where the immaturity lies...he does what he wants to do and he wants to be happy. As soon as he is not doing what he wants or is happy doing what he wants, he turns into a little boy.

[amkxoxo]

Things have gotten out of control. So I figured we were pst out issues. We went to the movies and things seemed fine. I gave him more of his birthday gifts. A really nice hat that we wanted, and a new wallet.

 

The next night we were going on that trip that was over an hour away. I knew the plan. I was ready. Last minute one of his friends calls me to say that the plans are off. We were just going to go to a local bar hangout, and that I should invite my girl friend and her boyfriend.

 

I was so surprised the plans changed so quickly. My boyfriend really wanted to go to that place far away. And now suddenly its okay for me to invite my girlfriend. I as kind of mad. I was reamed out for inviting her the first time around, but now that we aren't going anywhere all that special she is invited to go. She is my best friend. I invited her to my boyfriends birthday. I do not see a big deal?

 

 

So my boyfriend, his guy friend, and I head out to the bar to meet up with some friends. On accident, I went to reach up and touch my boyfriends shoulder, at the same time he leaned his head down towards me, so I accidentally poked him in the eye. I didn't mean to. I kept apologizing and asking if he was okay. He said he was fine, but he kept rubbing his eye. I felt so bad. I didn't want to ruin his night. I kept asking if he was okay. He finally got irritated and told me to shut up about it. I let it go. It seemed to get better after that.

 

When we first got there, we met up with some friends who were leaving. My boyfriend and his friend heard a song come on that they love and they bolted to the dance floor, leaving me practically by myself. I would have thought he would drag me along or at least come looking for me. He didn't. I hangout with the other friends for a good 20 minutes, monopolizing their time so they didn't leave so I wouldn't be alone. My boyfriend came back. I let it go. He was excited and it wasn't a big deal.

 

We got drink and the three of us headed out of the floor with some other friends. While making our way through the crowds of people in the dark, people were using past us left and right. I felt a hand on my arm, as someone was pushing past. The hand left, and I saw someone moving past me. My boyfriend was in front of me. When I looked to see who this person was next to me trying to get through the crowd, I saw it was my ex-boyfriend, who is also now just a friend.

 

He didn't even realize he grabbed my arm. I grabbed his shoulder to get his attention and stop him from moving past so I could say hi. We exchanged hellos and then my boyfriend grabbed me and tugged me away.

 

I didn't mind that my ex was there. It was no big deal. We talk and occasionally hangout as friends.

 

I saw him a few times and some of his friends hugged me and said hi.

 

My boyfriend and I danced and drank and had a good time. Later in the night I went to the bar to get my boyfriend and I drinks. My boyfriend was sat in a chair behind me, as I leaned over the bar. My ex came up and was trying to get a round of drinks for his friends. We made small talk. It was fine.

 

I was having a hard time getting the bartender. My ex got one before me. He asked what I wanted and he ordered my drinks too. I tried to give him cash, but he wouldn't take it. I thanked him and went back to give the drinks to my boyfriend. I quickly told my ex that it was nice seeing him and we would talk soon. Thinking I wouldn't see him for the rest of the night.

 

My boyfriend and I were talking. He seemed peeved. We started talking about him being mad about me asking my girl friend. We started to argue about it. It was ridiculous. His guy friend came over and told me to go to the bathroom. I came back and things seemed okay.

 

We both got dropped off at our houses. My boyfriend drove over to mine right after. We talked, fought, argued.

 

He said I hurt his feelings and I don't take ay responsibility for hurting his feelings. I kept telling him I didn't see the big deal and I didn't see why it was such an issue to be so mad over. He was mad I wouldn't apologize to him. Asking my best friend is no big deal. She couldn't even come anyway. We went out to a bar with tons of people with didn't know and the only people there for his birthday were me and his guy friend, and a bunch of acquaintances.

 

He started getting on me about not introducing him to the guy at the bar that I knew. I told him it was my ex, and that it wasn't appropriate for me to introduce them. I told him that I love him and I don't want anything to hurt him. Why would I introduce him to someone I used to date, which would hurt him ?

 

It not like he is going to be all buddy buddy with he guy. I was at the bar. My boyfriend was sitting in a chair behind me at a table. I was making small talk at the bar. It again, wasn't a big deal.

 

He played on a sports team with his ex-girlfriend for a whole season, all the while telling me he was playing with a friend from school. One night she tried to kiss him. He told her he was taken. He only told me when the season was over that they used to be in a relationship.

 

Thats not wrong, but what I did was? Makes no sense.

 

He brought up horrible things how I don't talk to him all the time like I used to. My work has increased and I am more busy. I tell him this all the time. I cannot risk my job by trying to text him all the time.

 

He brings up that I talk to my mom for an hour or more a day. That was horrible. He used it as bad thing. What is so bad about loving your mom and talking to her a lot. My mom lives 1.5 hours away. I miss her and love her so much. My mother has also been very ill. Constantly at the doctor. I am worried about her.

 

Then he brings up us breaking up and this and that about breaking up. Then he throws in my face how if we break up, none of his friends will ever come over to see me again. That was such a low blow. I love his friends. I consider them my friends now. That was so mean. It hurt a lot.

 

He kept saying I was immature. But I find it to be him. I can let things go. He cannot. I don't use words against him to hurt him purposely. It was horrible.

 

He took the wallet I got him out of his pocket, emptied it out and threw it on the ground. We calmed down before he left. He took the wallet and said he would empty it out at home and give it back to me. I don't even know where we stand. He is having another birthday celebration tonight. He said I can come if I want or don't come. I live my own life, is what he said. I find this ridiculous. I was crying, I felt sick. I can't live like that. I love him so much, but I don't know if we should continue to be together.

 

I'm so hurt and confused.

[Poutrew]

Do Not Go. This 'relationship' has so many red flags that if you were in a nuclear submarine, it would have set off world war 3. All I heard in your post was: Domination, Control, and Manipulation. Now this guy wants you to throw your own mother under the bus? Get far away fast, and feel sorry for his next victim, er, girlfriend.

[introverted1]

Honestly, this sounds like a train wreck on both your parts. You just happened to be at a club where your ex was and you accidentally found your hand on his shoulder? And then the ex paid for your drinks but you managed to convince yourself it would be inappropriate for your current bf to be introduced?

 

And you've further convinced yourself that you are entitled to invite your best friend to your bf's BD celebration just because your bf knows her?

 

Your bf's reaction to your games seems OTT but, then again, maybe not - we only hear your version of events and you seem to make some major contributions to the problems that have arisen. It does sound like your bf is very passive aggressive and does his own share of game-playing.

 

Time for you both to grow up.

[Fuerza]

Hon, please run for the hills. I was in a relationship with a narcissist and I'm seeing so many recognizable red flags. The example you gave where he went out dancing and left you behind, happened to me as well. It made you feel neglected right? It's such a small thing but at that moment he just shows that his thoughts are just not with you.

 

It happened to me at a wedding of his best friends, he was standing right next to me, then all of a sudden he went out dancing with his friends for half an hour while I was standing there just staring at them being awkward because I knew no on there. Just like you I let him have his fun, but I personally did not appreciate it. He left me multiple times that evening and everything I said to myself 'don't be a drama queen, he's enjoying himself let him have his fun.'

 

Please end it for your sake, it will only drain you and his behavior will only get worse. He should have never even brought up your mother, that's just sick. This guy only thinks about himself.

[kendahke]

too much drama, too much messiness.

 

Relationships dont' require being all extra.

[StBreton]

OP ... I've read this thread and a few of your other threads re: this guy.

 

First ... at some point in your future...please consider how to condense info ... your level of detail (some of it inane) is dizzying.

 

Secondly and most importantly ... either you or your boyfriend has got to step up and be mature and logical ... to stop the nonsense/madness. It's surreal. But neither of you can at this time. Until such time, you'll run this continuous loop of "gosh things are so messed up and we just argue and can't see eye to eye." It's possible you are just incompatible at this time.

 

I'll give you my take on your lack of introduction of your ex to your current bf ... not cool. I'm not a jealous person but I don't like to invite "drama" or jealousy into my relationship and that is what you did. You must protect your relationship and let your bf know you are protecting it. Had you made the introduction, I think it would have had the effect of alleviating your bf's anxiety ... letting him know there's nothing to hide. (Did your bf see this guy pay for your drinks?! He probably thought the guy was hitting on you and you're talking to him and letting him buy you drinks!) I'm aware of you age from previous posts...I'm a little taken aback at your lack of maturity.

 

This is from your end of Sept 2015 post

 

"I guess my new guy found out my ex was there through one of his friends who had been there that night too. A few days later new guy approached me and was really mad I didn't tell him about my ex being there. I told him it wasn't a huge deal and it was all friendly. He felt I had lied to him. I didn't see it that way."

 

Also ... you have recounted on this forum that you have unresolved issues with your ex and you broke up with current bf to go back to ex twice ... then you wonder why your current bf was upset?! Surely you can't be this oblivious. Now do you see why I said one of you has to be logical? Do you see how illogical you are? Also ... I see you diss your current bf's feelings that he was upset about your encounter with ex boyfriend. Do you see that?

Edited November 21, 2015 by StBreton

[KatZee]

End it, and move on.

 

Toxic, drama, immaturity, you two are not a compatible couple, in any way, shape or form.

 

You guys will never be a compatible couple.

 

Stop wasting your time on this guy. I know you want to hear, "work through it because you love him" but no. You need to love yourself more. This guy treats you like a piece of dog s.hit.

 

When are you going to actually respect yourself enough to leave people that treat you like dirt?

 

It's going to suck. It's going to be painful. Maybe you won't see any of his friends ever again. In the end, it won't matter. You'll be happier, drama free, and you'll be single to find the guy who WILL respect you, and love you, and care about you, and not just himself.

[amkxoxo]

I get what you are saying, but it wasn't like that. My bf didn't recognize my ex so I left it that way. He was drunk. I wasn't sure what he'd do. Punch him or say something rude to him, especially while drunk. My ex and I are now friends. A friend from college. Which is true. I openly told my boyfriend that he bought one of our drinks. And I openly told my boyfriend that he was a friend from school. That is why I was talking to him, because I knew him. I was open with my boyfriend. I was trying to get my boyfriend a drink. My boyfriend was acting jealous and paranoid to me.

 

When we got back and I was texting one of my friends. He was hounding me about who I was texting. When I said it was one of my friends, he hounded me and got mad at me that I couldn't provide him a name of this person. It was crazy. I felt like I was on trial. I was not flirting with anyone. I did not cheat on him. I wanted him to have a great night. I went along with all the plans his friends set out. I was not angry when plans changed last minute. I did invite my best friend. Because she is my best friend and she is someone he invites over to hangout with us quite often. His extreme hurt emotion over such a stupid issue is concerning. How would he react to something more dire in the future?

 

I invited my friend to his birthday, clearly not realizing that he would be so angry by something that was unintentional. He needed to let it go. I told him if I had known, I wouldn't have invited her. Not going to say sorry and beg at his feet. I did not hurt him.

 

I don't like every little thing he does or says. But some things just aren't a big deal and you let them go. I don't mope around like a two year old until he says sorry. Most times I don't even tell him and I let it go very quickly.

 

Using his friends as a pawn to manipulate me is wrong. Using sex as a weapon is wrong too. And using my mother. Saying I talk to her more than him. Maybe I do. She gave birth to me, raised me, and gave me a great life. I owe her everything and I love and miss her. He is not close with his family so sometimes I question if he understands how I am with my own.

 

I think about him all the time. I care about him. I work 40 hours a week and cannot spend tons of time texting him. I go home, eat dinner, relax watch tv shows he hates, and then will sometimes text him or have him over during the week. He plays sports Monday nights and Thursday nights, so sometimes I see him after and we will fall asleep together. We try and hangout a 2-3 times during the week and more on the weekends. He doesn't think its enough. When we first started this we would text and talk everyday. We would see each other almost everyday. But my work schedule was less then, he didn't play sports. Now we don't have as much time, but I try and make it work.

[kendahke]

So, was this all about winning something?

[introverted1]

If you look at OP's post history, it is pretty clear that she either generates or thrives on (or both) these sorts of convoluted, drama-filled, combative, scenarios. They manifest at work, with her neighbors, with her friends, and with her bf.

 

OP - have you considered that you are common denominator in all the problem scenarios you post about, and what you can do to avoid this type of drama going forward?

[StBreton]

If you look at OP's post history, it is pretty clear that she either generates or thrives on (or both) these sorts of convoluted, drama-filled, combative, scenarios. They manifest at work, with her neighbors, with her friends, and with her bf.

 

OP - have you considered that you are common denominator in all the problem scenarios you post about, and what you can do to avoid this type of drama going forward?

 

OP ... I totally agree with introverted1 ... I'm quite mature and have lived a full life ... I see you as one who creates drama as well as plays a part in drama begun by others. I wouldn't put up with your bf's antics for a day ... I'd call him out on his BS and I'd let him have it ... then I'd walk away. But I'm also calling you out on your BS ... to help you see through it and get to the other side ... and start a healthy relationship.

 

Also... I picked up on your last post on this thread where you said "Using his friends as a pawn to manipulate me is wrong. Using sex as a weapon is wrong too." But in your thread a few weeks ago you said "She and I are both virgins. We both saw sex as something special. Not until marriage special, but special for someone you love and not something to rush into." (referring to a gf of yours who you thought was being taken advantage of). You also say you guys sleep together quite often. I understand you might just be sleeping but the above makes me think differently.

 

So which is it ... are you a virgin or are you using sex as a weapon? I'm confused. I have the memory of an elephant which is a blessing and a curse so these things leave me feeling like I've gone done the rabbit hole ... where it seems you spend a lot of time.

[mystikmind2005]

I was more than willing to discuss whatever it was that upset him. Thats what I wanted to do. Get to the bottom of it. He claims once he starts telling me how he feels, then I follow up with why he shouldn't be mad at all. (Overreact, because he does) and then apparently I "disregard" his feelings. So he would rather not talk about it.

 

If I knew I said something hurtful or mean, I would listen to him and try to make things better. But when I did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation, how do I disregard his feelings. There is nothing for him to be hurt about. I don't need to apologize and I don't need to let him weep on my shoulder. I didn't do or say anything to hurt him. He is way too sensitive sometimes. He needs to let some things go. Me asking about plans for HIS birthday because I am HIS girlfriend is normal. I figured once I started asking these questions and he didn't know the answers he would reach out and ask his friend himself, not tell me to chase them down. I know his friends. They are my friends. I don't mind reaching out to them. I just figured my boyfriend would at least know something about his own birthday. Nothing to get annoyed over.

 

I do feel like every time something happens and I'm not super sensitive towards his feelings he thinks I disregard them. I will be sensitive, when something is generally wrong. He gets hurt over nothing. There is where the immaturity lies...he does what he wants to do and he wants to be happy. As soon as he is not doing what he wants or is happy doing what he wants, he turns into a little boy.

 

Wow, anyone else notice how much this looks like the typical situation of a 'guy' not being sensitive and understanding toward a woman's feelings?

 

This whole relationship is a role reversal on steroids!

[thecrucible]

I feel sorry for the OP. Maybe she could have said to him "is it all right if I invite my best friend and bf to your birthday event?" but she didn't invite her friend and bf with malicious intentions. And as she said, her friend couldn't come anyway. Surely he could have dropped it after saying his piece as it made no difference anyway?

 

As for the situation with bumping into the ex bf, as long as their bumping into each other was genuinely accidental and there was nothing more to it and she wasn't trying to get her bf's attention by talking to the guy, I don't see the issue here. She explained afterwards that she knew the guy when she went back to her bf. I don't know what her bf expects. Most women have exes. If I meet an ex, am I supposed to be unfriendly just to placate a guy I am dating? For me, I wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly but I wouldn't be unfriendly either. I probably wouldn't approach an ex, but let him approach me.

[amkxoxo]

His big argument was that he feels like I don't say sorry or feel bad about hurting his feelings. That is not true. If I feel like I said something or did something to hurt his feelings, of course I would apologize. He was so mad over me inviting my friend. It was not a big deal. Who gets so angry and mad over that?

 

I meant to invite her. I did not do it to hurt his feelings. You would have thought by the way he was acting that I ruined everything about his birthday.

 

In a small way, I think he was a little mad and disappointed that his friends didn’t make better plans for his birthday. And when push came to shove, they made the plans so late that many people could not come. He should be mad at that, at his friends, but he was so focused on being mad at me.

 

He admitted to me that he said those mean things to me on purpose, as I knew he did. Saying how I talk to my mom too much and how his friends will never speak to me or see me again if we break up. Those were manipulative and mean. I lost my trust for him. I let him know that. He said that he was hurt, and he wanted me to feel hurt too, so he said those things to hurt me. Who does that?

 

And he called me immature. I would never use something personal someone told me against them. That is the ultimate betrayal in my book. I’ve actually let go of friends in the past because they have used my family or my personal life in a mean way to hurt me.

 

The way he goes about things are wrong. Maybe if he was nice about it and said, “I really did not want your friend and her boyfriend invited to my birthday, I wish you hadn’t done that.”

 

Maybe I would have felt bad and apologized. But he just immediately gets all annoyed and huffy about it, when it’s not a big deal at all. Me inviting my friend did not do anything to hurt him. Half of his friends who were supposed to go that night, didn’t even show.

 

We ended up going out that night to a bar where another of our friends was celebrating her birthday. She had sent out invites a month ago. My boyfriend acted like a brat and was saying how “Well it’s going to be my night, because it’s my birthday.”

 

That is rude. This other girl announced her birthday party a month ago. And you’re trying to steal her thunder? Who does that?

 

And he is still so mad that I did not introduce him to my ex, and friend at the bar. I did not find it appropriate. It was not a big deal. And it was just a month ago that he and I went out to another crowded bar. I saw a ton of people I knew from college. I hugged them and said hi. I made small talk with some of them. I didn’t introduce him to them, because it didn’t matter. I don’t talk to these people on a regular basis, and he and I weren’t going to be around these people hanging out or anything, so I didn’t think it was important to introduce him. They were my friends from college that I see out once in a blue moon. He wasn’t mad about that. He was perfectly fine that night.

 

When we were arguing and talking the other night he starts what feels like scolding me, and telling me how I have to agree to apologize any time in the future where he feels hurt by me, whether I meant to do it or not. I didn’t like that. I wasn’t going to promise that. I did not like him telling me what to do. And I felt weak and vulnerable just giving in to him and promising to apologize any time something happens in the future. Stuff may happen and I may not apologize again. Especially if it’s something ridiculous. I feel like in a twisted way he was asking me to say that I will just give in or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in the future, and I will not do that. Then he is telling me something to the point of how he has to teach me how to apologize and teach me how to treat him. I did not like this either. Do not tell me I don’t know how to treat people. I am a good friend. I am a very kind and caring person. I am not perfect, but I know I am a good person. I try to be good to everyone I come across, if they deserve it. He was hinting that because I hadn’t been in a long term serious relationship that I needed to be taught how it worked. No.

 

I have been with a handful of men. I don’t fight with them. We didn’t work out for one reason or another, many of them to do with external factors, like them having to move away or timing not being right. It was never that I was a bad person or couldn’t apologize. He brings up the sex thing as an issue too. I have never once met a guy I have dated who wasn’t comfortable with waiting until I was comfortable and secure to have sex. I don’t have him waiting years. My best friend said her boyfriend didn’t care how long he had to wait. He wants to have sex with me and he can’t understand why he has to keep waiting and why can’t we have sex soon? Really? After all of this fighting, he thinks I will just jump into bed with him? No Way!

 

Last night he dropped off a balloon and a baked good to my doorstep and texted me to go to a fall party at his friend’s house. I told him it was too last minute and I already had plans. I also reminded him that just that morning he was telling me “good luck with your new boyfriend.” So to me that seemed much like we were broken up. He told me “good luck with my new boyfriend.” And then he tried to kiss me. I didn’t get it and I was so confused when he left my house. It was a little manipulative to me. Saying that then trying to kiss me, almost trying to get me not to leave him.

 

I did not see him in person. He says the gifts were to say sorry. I appreciate the thought. I just do not know what I want. I love him, but I do not trust him. I don’t want to hurt him. I missed him all yesterday and I was depressed when I thought we were broken up.

 

I told my best friend and her boyfriend the situation. My best friend lost some respect for him after I told her the things he said to me. She thinks he is being emotionally abusive and manipulative. Her boyfriend said he doesn’t understand why someone would play games with me like that. My best friend said she supports me no matter if I get back with him or not, but she says she doesn’t think it’s the best idea for my wellbeing.

 

I don’t know what to do. He texted me last night telling me he missed me and loved me so much. I couldn’t tell him I loved him. I told him I missed him. I felt like after all that happened I couldn’t tell him I loved him. It was just too hard.

 

I don’t know what to do. He wants to be back with me, but I cannot do all of this ridiculousness again. I can’t. I love him, but I love me more. I don’t know what to do. My beat friend thinks its for the best for me not to be with him. I truly don’t know what to do.

[katiegrl]

OP....have you even read the posts on here....addressing YOUR behavior?

 

Are you really so self-centered not to acknowledge YOUR own role in this toxic and dysfunctional mess?

 

This is not about him!

 

It is about YOU.

 

Well both of you actually, but you can't change him .....you can only change yourself...

 

Some major introspection is in order on your part..combined with therapy ....combined with just growing up and behaving like an adult and not a spoiled child....

 

Now stop complaining about HIM....end this toxic excuse for a relationship.....and get working on YOURSELF!

[amkxoxo]

I gave him very nice, well thought out, expensive gifts for his birthday. I got one of them thrown at me in a bought of anger. He must know he treated me pretty badly, since he brought me gifts to my door and last night he brought me cake.

 

Now that I am thinking about the situation as a whole, I think he took all this anger for other things out on me. He trusted his friends to plan an awesome birthday weekend. When it got down to be Wednesday and I started asking him all questions about the plans, because I hadn't heard from his friends, I think he realized that they had yet to make a plan or invite anyone, which was a problem.

 

Because then suddenly after he and I talked, his friends are calling me and everyone else about the sudden plans.

 

I think I was the one who opened his eyes that everything was being done last minute. Then to make matters worse, a bunch of people drop out of plans on Friday and it only ends up being me, his friends, and him. We ended up at someone else's birthday bash. He acted like a brat, because he wanted it to be his night, which it was supposed to be, but it wasn't because the other person having a birthday let everyone know way ahead of time, and everyone was there for her.

 

I think this made him testy and angry too, which he took out on me, when I didn't give him every ounce of my attention. I also think he was originally mad I invited my friend to his birthday, but then later realized that no one showed up and it would have been wise to invite my friend to begin with. Again, his anger and temper taken out on me. I will not have it. We are back together again now, but if he has another horrible angry outburst, I will leave him. I can't be with someone who acts like a bratty out of control angry child. I can meet someone who will treat me nicely. I know guys who would love to be with me.

 

I don't mean that to sound cocky. But I have guy friends who I know kind of have a thing for him. I picked him over them. Some of them I know would never treat me badly.

[d0nnivain]

I gave him very nice, well thought out, expensive gifts for his birthday. I got one of them thrown at me in a bought of anger.

 

if you mean this literally, dump his abusive butt & don't look back.

[smackie9]

Didn't we decide he had BPD, and has narcissistic tendencies?