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1 Year Relationship and Not saying I Love You?


creepygirl

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My Boyfriend and I, have been together for about 1 year, but by April of this year, he told me "I love you". I did not say it back and still have not said it back to him, because I don't love him. I want to love him, I truly do but I do not. I do care for him, but I don't love him.

 

The last relationship I had, was with my EX-Boyfriend and him and I were together for almost 4 years, I loved and cared for him so much and thought he was the one, my ultimate soul mate, and true love. But him and I cut ties and both moved on.

 

Since then I did date and now am in this new relationship and it's been about 1 year, and my Boyfriend is hurt that I don't love him and he feels like I am using him, playing games with him, etc.

 

Again I do want to love him, I do but I don't and I don't know if he will wait for me to love him, or how long it will take for me to love him. This guy is insecure, clingy, needy, and keeps thinking the past his last relationship is going to repeat itself and he is going to get hurt.

 

I keep telling him I am not his ex and that was his past and it is not going to happen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want him and I to work things out really badly.

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If you know you don't love him and identify him as needy and clingy, you perhaps love him but are not in love with him. In which case, you should be honest and tell him it won't work. Don't assume you'll magically fall in love with him later down the line - that's unlikely and will only make things worse for him.

 

If you want to make it work, focus some time and energy on him and reassure him you're not his ex and things will be fine. At the same time, if his ex left him out of nowhere, you are on the verge of doing the same so perhaps his concern is warranted :)

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If you know you don't love him and identify him as needy and clingy, you perhaps love him but are not in love with him. In which case, you should be honest and tell him it won't work. Don't assume you'll magically fall in love with him later down the line - that's unlikely and will only make things worse for him.

 

If you want to make it work, focus some time and energy on him and reassure him you're not his ex and things will be fine. At the same time, if his ex left him out of nowhere, you are on the verge of doing the same so perhaps his concern is warranted :)

 

Well every person you date is different. I know for my ex and me, I fell in love with him right away, but this guy its taking a bit more time. I think this guy and me, get into a lot of fights, misunderstandings, etc. So the love isn't in the right place I guess?

 

Right now, I am scared of what to do or say because what if I screw up and make things worse. I have told him I am not his ex and he is not my ex but yet he keeps thinking back to his past and talks to friends and family and they tell him, stuff that everything just gets to him I guess.

 

He left his ex by the way, she cheated on him so he cut her off. So we will see what happens next.

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mystikmind2005

This is simple.

 

Fear has a self for-filling element to it... he is afraid you don't love him, and the way that fear effects him, stopped you from loving him.

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This is simple.

 

Fear has a self for-filling element to it... he is afraid you don't love him, and the way that fear effects him, stopped you from loving him.

 

Well I know I don't love him and I am not in love with him. I want to be but we always fight and stuff. He says I need to open up more, what does that even mean?

 

He goes on telling me also that I don't care because if I did really care I would reassure him and tell him "Everything is alright" or "everything will be okay, I am here for you" etc. But since I cannot say those things then I don't care for him, according to him.

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Well I know I don't love him and I am not in love with him. I want to be but we always fight and stuff. He says I need to open up more, what does that even mean?

 

He goes on telling me also that I don't care because if I did really care I would reassure him and tell him "Everything is alright" or "everything will be okay, I am here for you" etc. But since I cannot say those things then I don't care for him, according to him.

 

After a year you should be done with this. If you can't determine that you love him or are in love with him you're just wasting both of your time. It nots that you don't care for him, but that you don't want him enough to be together forever. After a year you should feel some sort of love, that is, unless you don't know what love feels like.

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Well I know I don't love him and I am not in love with him. I want to be but we always fight and stuff. He says I need to open up more, what does that even mean?

 

He goes on telling me also that I don't care because if I did really care I would reassure him and tell him "Everything is alright" or "everything will be okay, I am here for you" etc. But since I cannot say those things then I don't care for him, according to him.

 

 

I'm not one of those people who believes in saying "I love you" before you've been dating someone for at least 4-6 months. Even if you think you do, it's better to wait and make sure because you can't truly know somebody and how your relationship will progress in a matter of weeks or a couple months.

 

Now, with that being said.... If after a year you still haven't developed those feelings of love or realize that this is someone you are absolutely thrilled to see and be with every time you're with or around them... Then you're not going to be able to manufacture and develop that with added time. If I was your BF if be a bit upset and skeptical as well. It's like he's waiting around for that day to come where you're like "Aha!! Yup... I actually do love you I realized, so we're good now". That's not likely to happen. That's not how love works.

 

Not to mention he's already expressed those feelings for you and you've been very clear that you're not there yet. That's an extreme awkward position for him to be in because he's saying he's all in and knows how he feels about You giving you that security and awareness, yet you're keeping him on the fence where anyway he can get a call from you saying it's over because you don't feel that connection and spark.

 

And none of that is your fault by the way. If you don't love him, you don't love him. It's fine to like the guy a lot and enjoy the multiple good qualities he has and how he treats you. However there's a big difference between liking a lot, and being in love. If you haven't felt it by now then perhaps splitting up and being without him will actually make you realize that you do care about him more than you thought and just weren't able to see that while you're together. That runs the risk tho of him not taking you back, but you'd be doing the mature thing by letting him open his options if you can't reassure him with the same feelings by now.

 

If this was 6 months into your relationship Id say hang in there. But after a year, it is what it is. I also think that your previous serious relationship is still affecting you and what you believe love should feel like and be. That's probably sabotaging your ability to commit fully with your current BF. Until you resolve those feelings and understand that love can be felt in different ways with different people and doesn't have to happen or feel like it was when you were 18 and going through it for the first time... Then you might be able to find out more about your own self and what you can emotionally reveal.

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Well I know I don't love him and I am not in love with him. I want to be but we always fight and stuff.

 

If you always fight, then it's probably quite reasonable that you don't love him. Perhaps you need a calm, nurturing environment to feel love? This is not unreasonable at all.

 

What do the two of you always fight about? And why is it not resolved?

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If you always fight, then it's probably quite reasonable that you don't love him. Perhaps you need a calm, nurturing environment to feel love? This is not unreasonable at all.

 

What do the two of you always fight about? And why is it not resolved?

 

Well last night he had a meltdown and kept going on about hearing from his friends or other people strangers that I was using him, I am having sex with another guy or guys, I don't care for him etc.

 

WHEN NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. And he is believing this stuff since hearing it from others. He also is complaining me to my ex and says his friends are noticing it, saying her and I are acting the same way, doing the same things, etc.

 

I am NOT his ex. But he says I am acting like her because she did certain things showing that she was cheating etc. I am NOT cheating on this guy. I am NOT having sex either.

 

He then also says he is dealing with issues, if I asked him what issues he won't talk to me about them. He won't tell me anything. If him and I are having a fight and I need someone to talk too, he won't talk to me! But yet he wants me to come to him to talk about these problems we have but yet he won't talk to me.

 

He says I need to open up more and commit to this relationship and that I don't care. Then he turns around and says oh I must care and he's the screw up blah blah blah. I don't get it.

 

I have never dated or been with a guy who has been this emotional. I am hoping someone here, has dealt with this before and can share with me their stories and what they did.

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Things with him, have gotten better, we are taking it as each day rolls bye. We will work this out and be happy. All couples deal with stuff and we have dealt with our troubles and we will work this all out in the end I know it.

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Yes but most couples are in love. That's kind of the minimum requirement.

 

If you dont love him it's cruel of you to string him along like this.

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His insecurity has killed any attraction and any emotional attachment you may have built organically. Time to go. Never let someone else try to manipulate you into an emotional response. This guy is toxic from his past ...he needed to heal from his exes cheating and he didn't. Instead he is projecting all of the fallout from that relationship onto you. Your instincts not to attach are correct. This guy is a mess. Anyone who keeps checking in with his friends, blames you for his past, or tries to force you into an emotional response in unhealthy.

Move on,

Grumps

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