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Guy Friend I'm not interested in won't take the hint


Pillow

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I have a core group of white guy friends who i love. (I'm a black girl). Some of them are gay and some of them aren't (but dating around.) We've been friends for over 10 years now.

 

Well, one of these friends will NOT take the hint that I'm not interested. It's not that I don't like white guys. I'm dating one right now. I'm just not attracted to him.

 

I've done all of these things:

 

-Asked him to let me be his wing-woman (He always ignores me when I say this or he'll just shrug. He's always too shy to approach women anyway.)

 

-Kissed/danced/checked-out other guys while with him. (This just makes him more interested.)

 

-Told him I don't date friends when he asked.

 

-Asked him to help me get some of his friends I'm more interested in (He looks grumpy, then forgets.)

 

He just won't take the hint. It makes me uncomfortable when he flirts with me STILL, and says awkward things like "I found your profile on online dating and messaged you." (wink/wink.) I'm like, "cool" but mentally I'm cringing. One time he said, "Maybe me and Pillow should date" (wink, wink). Touches me way too excessively/possessively if we're around other guys.

 

I wondered if he thinks since Pillow dates white guys, that means she'd date all white guys like me. Then I realized he's bad at picking up any woman's cues.

 

I care about him a lot. I worry about him too and i value the friendship. Sometimes he seems quietly sad, in a way you wouldn't notice unless you've been around someone for 10 years. His smile doesn't really reach his eyes, but sometimes he really throws back his head and laughs. It's rare though. You couldn't look at him and guess how giving/charitable he is because he doesn't show it. He's kind while asking nothing in return. He also lets digs roll off his back but men are very good at that I've realized. I understand he's lonely but I think it goes deeper than that... Like the loneliness just compounds his sadness. I don't know. Help?

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I have a core group of white guy friends who i love. (I'm a black girl). Some of them are gay and some of them aren't (but dating around.) We've been friends for over 10 years now.

 

Well, one of these friends will NOT take the hint that I'm not interested. It's not that I don't like white guys. I'm dating one right now. I'm just not attracted to him.

 

I've done all of these things:

 

-Asked him to let me be his wing-woman (He always ignores me when I say this or he'll just shrug. He's always too shy to approach women anyway.)

 

-Kissed/danced/checked-out other guys while with him. (This just makes him more interested.)

 

-Told him I don't date friends when he asked.

 

-Asked him to help me get some of his friends I'm more interested in (He looks grumpy, then forgets.)

 

He just won't take the hint. It makes me uncomfortable when he flirts with me STILL, and says awkward things like "I found your profile on online dating and messaged you." (wink/wink.) I'm like, "cool" but mentally I'm cringing. One time he said, "Maybe me and Pillow should date" (wink, wink). Touches me way too excessively/possessively if we're around other guys.

 

I wondered if he thinks since Pillow dates white guys, that means she'd date all white guys like me. Then I realized he's bad at picking up any woman's cues.

 

I care about him a lot. I worry about him too and i value the friendship. Sometimes he seems quietly sad, in a way you wouldn't notice unless you've been around someone for 10 years. His smile doesn't really reach his eyes, but sometimes he really throws back his head and laughs. It's rare though. You couldn't look at him and guess how giving/charitable he is because he doesn't show it. He's kind while asking nothing in return. He also lets digs roll off his back but men are very good at that I've realized. I understand he's lonely but I think it goes deeper than that... Like the loneliness just compounds his sadness. I don't know. Help?

 

Did you straight up tell him you aren't interested ? If not try that, not games.

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You need to stop hinting & start being direct. Next time he makes a comment that makes you cringe pull him to the side & talk to him. Don't publically embarrass him but do say something along the lines of

 

I really value our friendship but when you say stuff like that it makes me uncomfortable. As much as I like you as a friend, I have absolutely no interest in dating you. I'
m
sorry. But if you can't stop saying stuff like that it's going to negatively impact our friendship
so
could you please cut it out.

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I don't understand what it means to have a 10 year long friendship that is so superficial that you can't just sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel.

 

"Hints" are superficial nonsense. Stop playing games.

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Be frank in a polite way. Basically what d0nnivain said. Some guys are rather poor at recognizing hints.

 

If he still doesn't back off, then it may be necessary to reevaluate your friendship with him.

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We've all got that one friend who just will not accept the fact we're not romantically interested. Actually I've got like 5 of those friends. Be very blunt. Of my 5 amorous platonic friends there are 3 of them where I'd genuinely rather jump off a cliff than ever kiss them

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You need to tell him that you are not interested in dating him. Hints aren't going to do it.

 

And don't allow yourself to be manipulate with

Sometimes he seems quietly sad, in a way you wouldn't notice unless you've been around someone for 10 years. His smile doesn't really reach his eyes, but sometimes he really throws back his head and laughs. It's rare though. You couldn't look at him and guess how giving/charitable he is because he doesn't show it. He's kind while asking nothing in return.

 

When he says:

He just won't take the hint. It makes me uncomfortable when he flirts with me STILL, and says awkward things like "I found your profile on online dating and messaged you." (wink/wink.) '

 

Make a mental note to block him. But if you have a boyfriend, why do you have an online dating profile?

 

I'm like, "cool" but mentally I'm cringing.

 

Not owning your voice is your biggest mistake. "Cool" is not what you think of it, so why lie?

 

One time he said, "Maybe me and Pillow should date" (wink, wink).

 

"No."

 

Touches me way too excessively/possessively if we're around other guys.

 

You're are going to have to tell him to stop putting his hands on you in front of everyone, since he's putting you in an awkward position in front of everyone.

 

I wondered if he thinks since Pillow dates white guys, that means she'd date all white guys like me.

 

Probably. But again, you're going to have to open your mouth and tell him that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him; that you already have a boyfriend and if he can't respect your wishes that you will withdraw your friendship. You have a right to not date any man you do not want to date. You don't give up your autonomy just because he has an interest in you. It doesn't work that way.

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Grown people usually don't take hints well it's best to come out and tell them exactly what you want/mean. Why haven't you told him you are not interested in him in that way? You are wasting his time.

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Gotta have firm boundaries in any relationship. The reason you're fidgeting around uncomfortably right now is that yours are wishy-washy.

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Guys don't be so harsh. If I it was me, I'd start by dropping hints to begin with. Why? Because it would come across as presumptuous if I was blunt straight away and I wouldn't know what was really going on when I first noticed it. I'd want to try the kinder way first. Clearly she needs to sit down and talk to him but she should put it across something like, "You're a really attractive guy but I've always only seen you as a friend. I hope you find an awesome lady."...just don't make it sound like there's anything wrong with him.

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Have you tried not hinting and just plain being forthright?

 

Plus if you're already dating someone, what is his problem?

 

 

Good point. It's probably why she hasn't been more blunt. As most guys would assume if a woman has a bf, she's off the market?

 

But I just wonder if OP could be inadvertently making the guy think he has a chance. For instance, does she have clear physical boundaries (no cuddling etc) and does she ever find herself alone with him? Is she flirty? It's stuff like this that can get a man confused sometimes.

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When a guy tells you he likes you and instead of backing away, you continue to joke around and hangout, he thinks you like him.

 

If you want him to not like you like that, like everyone else said - tell him.

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Guys don't be so harsh. If I it was me, I'd start by dropping hints to begin with. Why? Because it would come across as presumptuous if I was blunt straight away and I wouldn't know what was really going on when I first noticed it. I'd want to try the kinder way first. Clearly she needs to sit down and talk to him but she should put it across something like, "You're a really attractive guy but I've always only seen you as a friend. I hope you find an awesome lady."...just don't make it sound like there's anything wrong with him.

 

Hints aren't kinder. They are gamey and wishy washy. This is the kinda nonsense that people concoct as justification for the cowardly way of dealing with things. And it definitely is in no way kinder.

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Hints aren't kinder. They are gamey and wishy washy. This is the kinda nonsense that people concoct as justification for the cowardly way of dealing with things. And it definitely is in no way kinder.

 

Well what I mean is, if they are employed carefully and for a limited period of time. Some guys would rather feel they figured it out on their own than have a woman tell them bluntly that they are not interested.

 

But yeah I think that as soon as it becomes really obvious that it's gotten too far, then you need to put in boundaries and draw a line under it.

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LoveRefreshed

What I don't get are why you women are calling this guy a friend. Or guys like him. The friendship is a farce or a lame consolation prize that keeps him floating around you in false hope of something more.

 

I think k the decent thing to do is to, if you truly care about his happiness is to do what he should have done for himself and go NC. Let him luck his wounds and find a new target for affection.

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