walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I've never been in a real committed relationship. But have been in two relationships that had no label but we were not seeing other people and there obviously feelings from both sides. Both of those never worked out. Its like everything is great, we go well together, are attracted to each other but the guys suddenly move to another state and just don't want anything serious with me. Never have been broken up with because the relationship didn't work and we weren't good together. It's always good and the guy never gives us a chance and just starts to distance. Problem is the moment I meet these guys it's completely obvious that they don't want a serious relationship and there are tons of red flags but I continue seeing the guy and then get hurt because I feel like maybe I can make the guy commit and when he doesn't I blame myself for not being good enough. is something wrong with me or am I picking the wrong guys?* Edited October 23, 2015 by walkingonair Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 You are picking the wrong guys. Moreover when you see the red flags you fail to heed their warnings & take corrective action. Going forward be more proactive. When you see the red flags, react to them rather than ignore them 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 If I may ask, how old are you>? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 You are picking the wrong guys. Moreover when you see the red flags you fail to heed their warnings & take corrective action. Going forward be more proactive. When you see the red flags, react to them rather than ignore them Thanks for your answer! Yes these were major lessons for me!! The moment I see a red flag now, I'm gonna run for the hills!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 If I may ask, how old are you>? I am 26 years old Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I've never been in a real committed relationship. But have been in two relationships that had no label but we were not seeing other people and there obviously feelings from both sides. Both of those never worked out. Its like everything is great, we go well together, are attracted to each other but the guys suddenly move to another state and just don't want anything serious with me. Never have been broken up with because the relationship didn't work and we weren't good together. It's always good and the guy never gives us a chance and just starts to distance. Problem is the moment I meet these guys it's completely obvious that they don't want a serious relationship and there are tons of red flags but I continue seeing the guy and then get hurt because I feel like maybe I can make the guy commit and when he doesn't I blame myself for not being good enough. is something wrong with me or am I picking the wrong guys?* It's always good and the guy never gives us a chance and just starts to distance -- If they are distancing themselves, it's only been that good for you. It was one-sided. I meet these guys it's completely obvious that they don't want a serious relationship and there are tons of red flags but I continue seeing the guy and then get hurt because I feel like maybe I can make the guy commit -- when they tell you or show you they don't want a relationship, you stop seeing them. is something wrong with me or am I picking the wrong guys? -- There is something wrong with you because you are picking the wrong guys. Make sure the guys you date are on the same page as you are in terms of dating goals. And, if he says he's looking for a relationship for himself, observe how he dates you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pcs13 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Having the same problem with the current guy. See no red flag, just the gut feeling that is not gonna work. I'm not in the right place to say this but talking to them about what you want and stick with it. The moment they tell you they can't commit to it. run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Having the same problem with the current guy. See no red flag, just the gut feeling that is not gonna work. I'm not in the right place to say this but talking to them about what you want and stick with it. The moment they tell you they can't commit to it. run. Thanks for your answers guys!!!! Sorry you're going through something like this Yes the recent guy I dated wrote that he's looking for dating but nothing serious on his profile, major red flag I guess :/ Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Yes the recent guy I dated wrote that he's looking for dating but nothing serious on his profile, major red flag I guess :/ When a guy says something, believe him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 When a guy says something, believe him. Yeah I just ignore and think that I can change a guy Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Yeah I just ignore and think that I can change a guy I've heard it said: Girls get into a relationship hoping to change a guy Guys get into a relationship hoping the girl will never change Good for you for taking action (a 180) when you see a red flag 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I highly recommend reading some of the stuff written by Natalie Lue and Nina Atwood. Natalie has a lot of great books and blog articles about settling for unavailable relationships which is what you have here. Nina has a great book with a fictional story contracting bad and good relationship habits. It was a great way for me to see through a story what I was doing wrong and what right looks like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Problem is the moment I meet these guys it's completely obvious that they don't want a serious relationship and there are tons of red flags but I continue seeing the guy and then get hurt because I feel like maybe I can make the guy commit and when he doesn't I blame myself for not being good enough. is something wrong with me or am I picking the wrong guys?* I think you answered you own question here. Deep down you know they're not good dating material, but you think you can change them. It's better to take who someone is at face value. If you see red flags early on, actually follow your intuition and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I would think that if you see the red flags and go ahead anyhow, then the truth is you actually *don't* want a real relationship. For whatever reason. Because you are choosing guys where it will not work out. So the interesting question is to examine your statement that you want a relationship adn try to think beneath it. Is it actually true? Or do you just believe you shoudl want a relationship? Or perhaps you had some trauma in the past that you want to avoid - unconsciously - and so you start out picking guys where the relationship will never get serious enough to challenge your fears or put you in a truly uncomfortable position. See you seem to think that you're failing at having a relationship. But you could turn it around: you're a huge success at avoiding the discomfort and anxiety and insecurity that comes with being nervous inside a serious relationship. YOu've just got to figure out why you -unconsciously perhaps - believe that being in a serious relationship will be painful/threatening/scary, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I've heard it said: Girls get into a relationship hoping to change a guy Guys get into a relationship hoping the girl will never change Good for you for taking action (a 180) when you see a red flag There is so much truth here it hurts. You will never get a guy to do something he doesn't want to do when it comes to relationships. Guys just don't grow into stuff like that. I know you probably a disappointed to hear that as I think many women fancy themselves as someone who can take a fixer-upper and turn him into something different. Stop. Don't. It isn't a reflection on you. What I would encourage to you do is think about it differently. You're actually lucky because you can window shop guy and honestly judge them by how they present. Now go find something that fits. ;-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 I would think that if you see the red flags and go ahead anyhow, then the truth is you actually *don't* want a real relationship. For whatever reason. Because you are choosing guys where it will not work out. So the interesting question is to examine your statement that you want a relationship adn try to think beneath it. Is it actually true? Or do you just believe you shoudl want a relationship? Or perhaps you had some trauma in the past that you want to avoid - unconsciously - and so you start out picking guys where the relationship will never get serious enough to challenge your fears or put you in a truly uncomfortable position. See you seem to think that you're failing at having a relationship. But you could turn it around: you're a huge success at avoiding the discomfort and anxiety and insecurity that comes with being nervous inside a serious relationship. YOu've just got to figure out why you -unconsciously perhaps - believe that being in a serious relationship will be painful/threatening/scary, etc. Thanks so much for your feedback! You've made me realize the real issue is me I choose these guys because I am commitment phobic in a way. I don't feel good enough and don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be in a real loving relationship: ( Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I've heard it said: Girls get into a relationship hoping to change a guy Guys get into a relationship hoping the girl will never change Good for you for taking action (a 180) when you see a red flag This is true about women UNLESS they already have that haughty attitude that they are super special and need to find that guy "on that same level". Then they don't have to do any work of sorts. But those are the ones who really don't want to work on a relationship, but rather just enhance their own self somehow. Ask me how I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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