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Issue of stopping/starting birth control


Robin123

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Hello everyone.

 

I'm in a situation in my life, that has caused me to desperately look for a forum online, to get some advice and opinions on my current situation.

This will likely become a biggy (the thread), so i want to say beforehand that i deeply appreciate your time and advice.

 

4 months ago, i met a man. We fell head over heels in love instantly, i'd call it love at first sight.

He's 38 and i'm 26.

We've both been single for years, and while we both have had long relationships in the past, it's still been a bit hard to adjust to being a couple again, for both of us, which is okay.

Also ofcourse the aspect of properly getting to know each other and learning to avoid accidentally pushing each others buttons.

 

The relationship has been great. I've never had a relationship that has been so beneficial to me personally in every way.

I just know how cliché i sound, so i might aswell say it.

I love him. And i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I'm prepared to take all the bad with the good, i know he's not perfect and can't always do everything right, and certainly not me either.

 

Our relationship has been moving fast, because of how we both feel about each other. We didn't publically announce us as a couple before 2 months of being together, but none of us had any doubts.

I still don't have any doubts. But i do however need guidance on how to properly move on from this episode.

We've been loosely discussing subjects of a future together since the beginning, starting a family , living together at some point etc.

After about 3 months he brought up how he'd be insanely happy if i got pregnant on 'accident'. I told him i'd feel the same, and that i'd be ready to stop taking my birth control pills whenever he told me to, whether it be now, in 6 months or in a year. He said he felt honoured and really happy, and we left the subject, i knew i was saying a really massive thing, and it might take him a long time to reach that point. All was good.

Then after about a week, he brought the subject up again, and told me to stop taking them. Not that we'd try *that* actively to have a baby, we just wouldn't hinder the possibility of a baby we're both ready for and want.

 

Then a week later, we were on the subject of moving in together. Not making plans at all, just discussing it. He followed by saying i should start taking the birth control pills again.

I was so deeply hurt, mad, frustrated, confused, youname it.

We were both crying, and we discussed it for like two hours.

Then we found out almost by random, that we'd misunderstood each other from the beginning.

He thought i'd expect him to move here (we live in different cities) ASAP if i got pregnant, and he'd been stressing very much about the possibility of having to uproot everything from one day to another, give up his place, move to another town, he'd have to buy a new car, etc etc.

I deeply understand that, and told him i do NOT expect us to live together before a baby comes. The only thing this was all about for me, was that i can't bear the thought of hindering a baby with him.

He felt so stupid, and said if he'd known that, he wouldn't have told me to start taking the birth control again. I thought he knew that, i thought we'd talked about it so much. But it was not the thought of having a baby (with me) that scared him at all, it was the 'suddenly moving' and everything that comes with that.

 

That was last wednesday. He spent the night at my place until thursday, we were just exhausted from the whole thing, but everything was okay again.

This week is his 'work week' so he works 12 hours a day, and we usually don't see each other that much in those weeks, we haven't seen each other since thursday noon.

I've already talked for hours to my mom and both my sisters, trying to figure out how to properly get through this in a way that makes us stronger instead of weaker.

 

The issue is, the day after the argument, i told him i'd just keep taking the pill for a while, to let us slow down and completely remove the stress, and get down to earth again.

I took it for two days, then i realised i CAN'T do it.

I keep thinking about this tiny sperm cell swimming to the egg, and not being able to get in. And i can't bear it. I feel sick to my stomach from thinking about it.

If i picture him putting on a condom, i feel sick to my stomach and turned off. When i think about him pulling out before finishing (i hope it's alright to be this personal), i want to cry.

 

Had he just said nothing to begin with, it would've been okay. I was prepared to wait as long as it would take for him to be ready. But he DID make the decision, and i can't bear him taking it back.

My mom thinks i should just tell him that, since it wasn't the subject of the baby that was the problem.

But i fear that the whole thing just made him want to take a step back, and i feel like it's too soon for me to bring up again.

I do want to accept and respect his wishes, but i can't just turn off my feelings with a button.

What if he says he WANTS me to wait with stopping birth control? When i deeply feel like i can't. I'd rather not have sex. But i know that will hurt the relationship too.

How do i handle this with respect and care for both of us?

 

I haven't brought it up with him because he's working, i want him to be able to unwind when he gets home, for the few hours he even has before having to go to sleep and repeat.

But it's insanely hard for me to bottle things up. I can't avoid giving off signs that i'm hurting, i cry myself to sleep at night, and i'm about to go insane.

Edited by Robin123
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The fact that you are having this much drama so early in a relationship on such a volatile issue should be a giant red flag for you. You guys are not on the same page and are not communicating effectively.

 

The whole moving in and sharing a life with someone shouldn't occur for at least a year - having known somebody through all four seasons - to get to know them through a point where the honeymoon period should be waning.

 

The same - obviously - should be said of making a baby. Neither of you are ready for this and you SHOULD be back on birth control well into your second year together.

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After 4 months for you to even think about stopping birth control is completely irresponsible. You haven't been together long enough to know if this is going to last. To risk bringing a child into this when you don't even live in the same city is quite terrible to do to the potential child. I can't quite figure out the story, but both of you seem like teenagers to me to even be discussing this at this stage!

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Personally I think it's too soon and you need to get some perspective. Think about it, will a few months really kill you? It seems he just needs some time but does think he wants kids with you. Why spoil a good thing just because you are suddenly in a rush?

 

Saying that I think you are really hurting over this and I think it would be good to talk to him about it and say something like, since it was put on the table you are finding it hard to take it off the table emotionally, but you understand it's a big step and too soon. But you'd appreciate that he is really sure it's what he wants before mentioning going off the pill again.

 

That is obviously if that how you feel.

 

Not having sex unless you are potentially able to get pregnant screams ultimatum to me and I highly suggest you don't go down that route. If I was the guy and you said that to me I'd end the relationship as that doesn't bode well for the rest of my life with you.

 

If you are really struggling go and see a therapist. This is not rational thought and also as someone else said seemingly teenage like behavior

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Thank you all for your opinions and advices.

Kassy - I am not in a rush. I'm really not.

And i do know it screams ultimatum, that's also why i fear bringing it up, because it's unfair of me, i know this, and it's not what i want. It's how i feel.

 

How do i get on from it?

How do i make myself okay again about this whole thing?

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Had he just said nothing to begin with, it would've been okay. I was prepared to wait as long as it would take for him to be ready. But he DID make the decision, and i can't bear him taking it back.

 

There has to be room to acknowledge mistakes in a relationship. In this case, it sounds as though he thought through what making a baby would entail (beyond the romantic notion he may have first landed on and not probed further). So he pulled back. Unless being broken-hearted and pregnant is on your list of things to do, I recommend respecting his desire to pull back. You are plenty young enough that, if it turns out that this relationship is meant to go the distance, you can plan for a baby in a year or two.

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Versacehottie

Wow, just wow. You are confusing his stated willingness to jump right in and have a baby with you with the level of his interest/love for you. They are not the same. If you are going to be with him for the rest of your life, you have no reason to hurry and have a baby. It's weird that it's affecting your desire for him too. That's just weird.

 

There are so many red flags with this situation that I can only say that I hope you do not bring a baby into this mess. You sound like you might be the type to trap the guy to prove the measure of his love for you. That's just f*cked up.

 

If it is real and stable love, time will tell. You should be able to enjoy it quite happily and be grateful not tortured and rushing to the next step. Correction: at least the 20th step!!!!

 

Spend at least a year getting to know each other and having a good time. The fact that you've been on a roller coaster of emotions and plans in such a short amount of time doesn't indicate that there is stability in this relationship and thus the WORST possible situation to bring a baby into--for the baby, first and foremost and secondly for the longevity of the relationship. If you want to be with him forever, stop obsessing about babies now. Do the right thing. Keep taking your birth control; ignore him if he changes his mind back to wanting you to stop it again. And get to the bottom of why it's affecting your ability to be physical with your guy. That's definitely going to affect the relationship and you are fooling yourself if you don't think it will.

 

You sound nice enough but somethings not right. don't mean to tear you apart for posting about your problem but this is messed up. Maybe hearing that from strangers who have no vested interest either way will get it to sink in how crazy this is. If you have a baby with him and it doesn't work out because you don't know him well enough to take the risk, your life will be forever changed. If you "care" about babies so much, why would you put one in this position? Actually your thought process is supremely selfish and kinda demented.

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acrosstheuniverse

I deeply understand that, and told him i do NOT expect us to live together before a baby comes. The only thing this was all about for me, was that i can't bear the thought of hindering a baby with him.

 

WHAT!?

 

You guys have been dating about sixteen weeks. You're actively wanting to try for a baby? When you don't even live together? You're devastated at the thought of being on birth control? You 'CAN'T' take your pill anymore, don't like him wearing a condom and feel upset when he pulls out?

 

You sound like you're trying to emotionally blackmail him into getting you pregnant. He can't win. Either he gives in to what you want, gets to keep seeing you and getting laid and runs the high risk of impregnating you, or it sounds like you'll just sob and sob until you get your own way.

 

This is the most ridiculous thing I think I've read in a long time. You barely know each other. Either you both want a baby right now, or you don't. If you did I'd think it was nuts. But he doesn't. So, either start your BC again (if I were him I wouldn't risk not wearing condoms either) and see how the relationship goes, actually get to know each other like normal relationships without jumping straight to the ooh let's have a baby together part, or break up with him. If you genuinely can't handle the thought of birth control and thwarting his sperm when they try and reach your egg, just end the relationship already.

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It's situations like this that make me glad I do not have or want kids. They can add pressure and strain to a relationship, whether or not it is volatile or as described in a Disney fantasy.

 

Him asking you to come off birth control so early in the relationship should be a giant red flag. You could get pregnant, bring a child into the world and then he will come off with 'you trapped me'

 

Is he an only child? Is he under pressure from his family, especially his mother? (so predictable sometimes! LOL).

 

You want to at least know the person you have children with. What is the longest you have stayed in eachother's home for? What is he like when he is really stressed with family, work, money? All questions you should ask if you want to invest further into the relationship.

 

Having children and/or getting married should be a mutual decision, not a dictatorship where one party coerced the other into it. It should not be used a form of emotional blackmail. Do you want him to marry you because he loves you or because he knocked you up and it was the 'right thing to do' to make an honest woman of you.

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