In that dark place

[arthurthegentlemen]

Hi. I'm a long-term reader on various sites but a first time poster.

I'm going through a tough time and need assistance and advice from those with experience, hoping to God i've found a place and I can get that.

 

 

I am 21 years old, single, and have a daughter.

I met a girl when I was just a teen and dated her for years, before she became pregnant and we had a daughter upon exiting high-school. We were doing fine.. just as many other couples do. But then the arguing got worse, the fights got to occurring more, and the relationship began that downward spiral.

Fast forward. I am now freshly turned twenty-one, halfway through college ( taking me a little longer due to working to pay for bills in the meantime ), paying child support, and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I continuously tried to get my (now ex) to stay in college with me and work towards a better future together. Now, onwards...

A year+ ago, my ex (during a month or two break after a series of bad arguments) met an older man in his mid/upper 20's with a bit of money. She got pregnant from him and now has his baby.

 

I've been nothing short of heartbroken. She claimed to not be with him for the months during her pregnancy and we (her, our daughter, and myself) still got together often and talked daily and acted like a bit of a family, but turns out she was carrying me in her back pocket. She had his baby, and now chose him. I'm empty on the inside, and don't know what to do whenever I am nothing but a thoughtless memory in someone's mind who, to me, is the one person on this earth I thought I had unconditional love for other then our daughter.

 

 

I spend my days either doing homework for classes or working, or thinking. While others are out having fun i'm more often just pondering as to what could've been and what to do next. Because I don't know either of those things. I feel like an incredibly terrible father because I, at times, cannot bear having to communicate with my ex and feel heartbroken, embarrassed, and like a total loser which makes me even more upset. Because of this fear of having to talk or see her (who is clearly happy while I am lost), I sometimes am not able to physically gather myself to get my daughter. I realize this makes me seem like an absolutely terrible monster, but I promise I am not. This is just so hard, and I don't know what to do. I'm a lost romantic, and I feel like with this situation and baggage, i'll never be able to be happy again. I also reluctantly have to think about how and if my daughter will hate me for this dark period I am going through. I miss her. I miss my ex. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm in a really dark place and i'm seeking some serious truthful advice from somebody. If you have anything to relate to, please. It's after 4 AM and i'm alone while other people my age are having the time of their lives. This is an average night for me.

 

Arthur

 

 

PS: For the sake of you, the reader, and for the sake of you, the person who is hopefully going to help me - Just assume that we were young and in love for the majority of my growing up until this point. What we had was a love story. It was a cute one.

Edited October 13, 2015 by arthurthegentlemen

[neowulf]

Hi Arthur,

 

Firstly, welcome. This site has a huge number of members with vast experiences. I hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

 

Secondly, I'm deeply sorry for your pain. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. Truly a test.

 

It may seem impossible right now, but you've already begun planting the seeds of a great future. You've continued to further your education. Continued to try and be the best father you can be for your daughter.

 

You're doing great, shouldering responsibilities that would weigh heavy on a much older person.

 

I'd like to tell you that things will get easier starting tomorrow, but the truth is, they won't. It will take time. The pain you're feeling is a journey. One you'll struggle through, but can move past, in time.

 

You don't mention what kind of support networks you have at your disposal. Family? Friends? People you can turn too, for more practical advice.

 

In my own dark time, I've found consciously choosing to express gratitude has really helped focus me.

 

You make a list, each day, of the things you're grateful for. For the things that *are* going right in your life.

 

If you've got food on the table, a roof over your head, clean water and access to quality education, you are doing better than 90% of the rest of the world. You can focus on that. On the things are that going right and hold onto them.

 

They will become the bedrock on those hard days, when things seem like they'll never get better.

 

The pain of what's transpired with your ex won't vanish over night. It may well be something you carry on with you through life. But it will fade in time and if you can find the courage, you can allow yourself to be happy again.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to offer Arthur.

Take one day at a time and post here as often as you need to.

[arthurthegentlemen]

Hi Arthur,

 

Firstly, welcome. This site has a huge number of members with vast experiences. I hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

 

Secondly, I'm deeply sorry for your pain. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. Truly a test.

 

It may seem impossible right now, but you've already begun planting the seeds of a great future. You've continued to further your education. Continued to try and be the best father you can be for your daughter.

 

You're doing great, shouldering responsibilities that would weigh heavy on a much older person.

 

I'd like to tell you that things will get easier starting tomorrow, but the truth is, they won't. It will take time. The pain you're feeling is a journey. One you'll struggle through, but can move past, in time.

 

You don't mention what kind of support networks you have at your disposal. Family? Friends? People you can turn too, for more practical advice.

 

In my own dark time, I've found consciously choosing to express gratitude has really helped focus me.

 

You make a list, each day, of the things you're grateful for. For the things that *are* going right in your life.

 

If you've got food on the table, a roof over your head, clean water and access to quality education, you are doing better than 90% of the rest of the world. You can focus on that. On the things are that going right and hold onto them.

 

They will become the bedrock on those hard days, when things seem like they'll never get better.

 

The pain of what's transpired with your ex won't vanish over night. It may well be something you carry on with you through life. But it will fade in time and if you can find the courage, you can allow yourself to be happy again.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to offer Arthur.

Take one day at a time and post here as often as you need to.

 

Thanks for your helpful words. It's just tough, and it occurs daily. I can be happy for a couple hours and then reality sets back in and the feelings come back. Having trouble here.

[neowulf]

Thanks for your helpful words. It's just tough, and it occurs daily. I can be happy for a couple hours and then reality sets back in and the feelings come back. Having trouble here.

 

Ok, if you're being troubled by these emotions on a consistent basis, it's quite possible you're beginning to suffer a bought of clinical depression.

 

Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have a large amount of personal experience will the illness.

 

Have you spoken with a Doctor about your feelings? Perhaps you can be offered a short course of Anti-depressants to help take the edge off and manage better through this period.

 

They could also refer you to counselling services, giving you access to professional quality support.

 

Don't be afraid to get the help you need. There are no prizes for doing things the hard way.

[CalvinM]

Arthur, firstly welcome.

 

Secondly, I've been where you were. After a three year relationship ended (you can read my story on here if you'd like), I felt empty and lost. What helped for me was to write down my thoughts, set personal goals (lose weight, get in shape, etc) and join a co-ed sports team. Eventually I begun eating healthier and seeing my ex move on to a new guy didn't bother me so much. Now I'd even go so far as to say I'm happy for her.

 

It does get easier, if you take things a day at a time it'll get easier for you as well.

[empresario]

Friend,

 

 

Sometimes adversity can be the perfect catalyst for focus. I know that's not what you want to hear...but you've been in a relationship for your whole (albeit short) adult life.

 

 

While I'm not the best at getting over heart-break myself, what I am good at is sociology/numbers.

 

 

Know that sociologically, nearly 100% of people take 1 year to fully get over a deep relationship. After that year, those people are just as happy as they were before the heartbreak.

 

 

I know that sounds unreasonable, but you are VERY young. You have a lot to accomplish. Use the sadness to refocus your studies, career, and relationship with your daughter.

 

 

On that note, I have to throw you some major respect. You are a father. At 21. I don't know how the hell you do it. You are juggling a lot. But from the way you articulate yourself on here I can already tell you're a loving father and intelligent person. Don't waste that. Your daughter is going to grow up in a 'non-traditional' family, as most kids do these days. The one thing that really messes up a child, male or female, is not having a strong, positive, male role model in their lives.

 

 

So I know you're heart-broken. And I know you're feeling worthless. But put that aside when it comes to your daughter. Chances are, sadly, that your ex has some more mistakes in her future that she needs to make. Your job is to make sure your daughter knows she's loved despite that. You may have been in love with a beautiful person...but that person no longer exists. If she existed, we would not be at this crossroad.

 

 

And spoiler alert...someone like your ex feeds off the affection of men (from the sounds of things). It may not bring you any solace...but know that she's not happy. Furthermore, she may try to enter your life romantically again someday. Stay strong. You don't need that.

[arthurthegentlemen]

Ok, if you're being troubled by these emotions on a consistent basis, it's quite possible you're beginning to suffer a bought of clinical depression.

 

Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do have a large amount of personal experience will the illness.

 

Have you spoken with a Doctor about your feelings? Perhaps you can be offered a short course of Anti-depressants to help take the edge off and manage better through this period.

 

They could also refer you to counselling services, giving you access to professional quality support.

 

Don't be afraid to get the help you need. There are no prizes for doing things the hard way.

 

Thanks for your words. I've thought about going to seek actual help at a therapist, but I am really trying to avoid getting put on anti-depressants because it's not a long-term fix, but what I feel I have is a long-term issue.

 

Arthur, firstly welcome.

 

Secondly, I've been where you were. After a three year relationship ended (you can read my story on here if you'd like), I felt empty and lost. What helped for me was to write down my thoughts, set personal goals (lose weight, get in shape, etc) and join a co-ed sports team. Eventually I begun eating healthier and seeing my ex move on to a new guy didn't bother me so much. Now I'd even go so far as to say I'm happy for her.

 

It does get easier, if you take things a day at a time it'll get easier for you as well.

 

Thankyou! I've heard this before.. just time is all you need. I don't know. The past couple of days i've tried to have some downtime, and occasionally I feel better but at the end of the day or soon, shortly after, i'm right back to where I started. I find myself scared to do things that others would consider normal for my age, in fear that it will result in conflict with her, such as even going out, etc.

 

Friend,

 

 

Sometimes adversity can be the perfect catalyst for focus. I know that's not what you want to hear...but you've been in a relationship for your whole (albeit short) adult life.

 

 

While I'm not the best at getting over heart-break myself, what I am good at is sociology/numbers.

 

 

Know that sociologically, nearly 100% of people take 1 year to fully get over a deep relationship. After that year, those people are just as happy as they were before the heartbreak.

 

 

I know that sounds unreasonable, but you are VERY young. You have a lot to accomplish. Use the sadness to refocus your studies, career, and relationship with your daughter.

 

 

On that note, I have to throw you some major respect. You are a father. At 21. I don't know how the hell you do it. You are juggling a lot. But from the way you articulate yourself on here I can already tell you're a loving father and intelligent person. Don't waste that. Your daughter is going to grow up in a 'non-traditional' family, as most kids do these days. The one thing that really messes up a child, male or female, is not having a strong, positive, male role model in their lives.

 

 

So I know you're heart-broken. And I know you're feeling worthless. But put that aside when it comes to your daughter. Chances are, sadly, that your ex has some more mistakes in her future that she needs to make. Your job is to make sure your daughter knows she's loved despite that. You may have been in love with a beautiful person...but that person no longer exists. If she existed, we would not be at this crossroad.

 

 

And spoiler alert...someone like your ex feeds off the affection of men (from the sounds of things). It may not bring you any solace...but know that she's not happy. Furthermore, she may try to enter your life romantically again someday. Stay strong. You don't need that.

 

This really helped me. Thank you, honestly.

As mentioned above i've tried to have a couple days of downtime these past few. Some days and hours are easier then others. I feel it would help me if i began meeting new people or doing new things, but i'm in constant fear that it will result in me basically bumping right into her, and putting me back to square one. I feel really isolated, and alone. She seems so happy and like everything is going to plan. Money, job, her not having to lift a finger hardly since an older, apparently more "mature" man can take care of her (and my child). All things I was told I couldn't provide (which, in my defense, I'm not through college or anything yet. I'm trying my best).

 

 

 

Thanks to everyone who's provided help so far. Even though i don't reply right away, I read this thread nightly as it seems to help me. I just have to figure out what my next move is.

[kassy]

I think you are showing maturity beyond your years. I don't know you so this may or may not resonate with you. It's been shown that exercise can be highly beneficial to people suffering from depression. I know when I was depressed running and cycling really helped.

 

I know you have a massive amount on your place now, but if you can find 30minites to an hour to go for a walk, a run or do some weights, or join a social sports team it will probably help.

 

To take it further, doing an event like a 5km, half marathon, marathon etc can not only provide incentives to exercise regularly but also gives a huge self confidence boost and can make you feel amazingly good. I would highly suggest considering a physical challenge and also joining a club (be it running or some other sport) as it will give you the physical element as well as a new social outlet that is a healthy one as opposed to say spending time at the pub etc.

 

Also you need to see your daughter regularly as this will help you quiet those fears of being a bad father. I am sure you aren't, given what you wrote, but don't drop the ball by not showing up. Seeing your ex is inevitable as you have a child together but the more you do it (to pick up your daughter) the easier it will be.

 

Don't worry about being lost. Most 21 year olds are very lost. And don't think she has it all sorted, I highly doubt she does. It's easy to look at other people and project the perfect life. But there is a saying that says something like if everyone put their problems in the open for us to see we would probably choose to have our own ones back. You have a good head on you, are getting an education and have a lovely daughter and your whole life ahead of you. I know you are hurting now, but it will get less with time.

 

So do your study, see your daughter, do daily exercise and try to eat well (veg fruit meat and unprocessed foods) and sleep. Don't drink too much either it's a depressant.

 

You totally will get there, just take it one day at a time

[preraph]

I'm so sorry, Arthur. You have a lot on your shoulders for one so young. And of course, I know you must realize that her behavior is because she is also very young and not ready for all this. So you must forgive her. You both stepped out and made a family and you've done very well moving ahead while still taking care of your family, so you deserve congratulations.

 

I don't know where you live, but if you find it too difficult to make the daughter exchange, in the US, you can ask for someone to get in the middle and do it, but I would urge you to simply keep it short and sweet, and don't even talk except a fake cheerful hello/goodbye, for the child's sake. And if your schedule allows, you should try for joint custody because that will lower your child support and also give you more time with your child. However if you simply can't with your schedule, but she can do it more, then you are stuck with whatever visitation you get, and you must take advantage of it. Do NOT give yourself a double loss here by letting things slide with your child. She will always be yours and you hers, and in time you will stop minding what her mother does as long as she's taking proper care of the child and you'll find someone new once you're a bit older, I'm sure. Best wishes. Don't despair. You've done very well. Don't be hard on yourself. But you must suck it up now and fake being only polite long enough to pick up and deliver your child.

[arthurthegentlemen]

It's been almost a year since I've been on here and posted.

 

I thank all of you for the things you said last year to help me. I've had my ups and downs. I've made the mistake of letting myself fall back in love with the same girl again only to get cheated on a few weeks into it. I am sad a lot, and find myself unable to relate to a lot of my friends and people around me, and I don't know why. But as for my life and the good parts of it, it is going well. I have successfully pursued and began my career in Law Enforcement and hope that helping others will help take me to another place of happiness. I guess what I was waiting for was for my attitude and heart towards her and my past to change overnight or quickly, like something you would see in a movie. I expected to change my life drastically and improve it and better myself, and though that is what I am trying to do - I realized something. I think the best nights are those that I don't realize that I'm not sad. Some nights are lonely, late, laying in bed at 3, 4, 5AM and thinking about what could've been. But other nights I have fun and am so busy that I don't think of her, and I think those are my victories. They're small, but still victories.

 

Despite what she's done to me, I just hope that she is happy with the decisions that she's made. I also hope that my daughter one day forgives me for not being able to see her as much as I would like to. I hope to change that in the future. And I hope she understands what I went through after her mother and I split. I hope one day I will meet someone that doesn't have to pretend to be happy to see me at the end of the day. Someone who works, and is excited to get chinese takeout and watch a movie, or drive to the river, or canyon, or take a weekend trip together. She doesn't have to make a lot of money. But she has to be happy doing what she's doing. I don't mind struggling to pay bills even, at times. As long as we can struggle together and laugh still at the end of the day. I tell myself that a girl like that is out there. And until then, I'm just trying to do me.

 

Speak to you guys sooner then a year this time, I hope.

 

-Arthur

 

 

Hi Arthur,

 

Firstly, welcome. This site has a huge number of members with vast experiences. I hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

 

Secondly, I'm deeply sorry for your pain. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. Truly a test.

 

It may seem impossible right now, but you've already begun planting the seeds of a great future. You've continued to further your education. Continued to try and be the best father you can be for your daughter.

 

You're doing great, shouldering responsibilities that would weigh heavy on a much older person.

 

I'd like to tell you that things will get easier starting tomorrow, but the truth is, they won't. It will take time. The pain you're feeling is a journey. One you'll struggle through, but can move past, in time.

 

You don't mention what kind of support networks you have at your disposal. Family? Friends? People you can turn too, for more practical advice.

 

In my own dark time, I've found consciously choosing to express gratitude has really helped focus me.

 

You make a list, each day, of the things you're grateful for. For the things that *are* going right in your life.

 

If you've got food on the table, a roof over your head, clean water and access to quality education, you are doing better than 90% of the rest of the world. You can focus on that. On the things are that going right and hold onto them.

 

They will become the bedrock on those hard days, when things seem like they'll never get better.

 

The pain of what's transpired with your ex won't vanish over night. It may well be something you carry on with you through life. But it will fade in time and if you can find the courage, you can allow yourself to be happy again.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to offer Arthur.

Take one day at a time and post here as often as you need to.

 

Arthur, firstly welcome.

 

Secondly, I've been where you were. After a three year relationship ended (you can read my story on here if you'd like), I felt empty and lost. What helped for me was to write down my thoughts, set personal goals (lose weight, get in shape, etc) and join a co-ed sports team. Eventually I begun eating healthier and seeing my ex move on to a new guy didn't bother me so much. Now I'd even go so far as to say I'm happy for her.

 

It does get easier, if you take things a day at a time it'll get easier for you as well.

 

Friend,

 

 

Sometimes adversity can be the perfect catalyst for focus. I know that's not what you want to hear...but you've been in a relationship for your whole (albeit short) adult life.

 

 

While I'm not the best at getting over heart-break myself, what I am good at is sociology/numbers.

 

 

Know that sociologically, nearly 100% of people take 1 year to fully get over a deep relationship. After that year, those people are just as happy as they were before the heartbreak.

 

 

I know that sounds unreasonable, but you are VERY young. You have a lot to accomplish. Use the sadness to refocus your studies, career, and relationship with your daughter.

 

 

On that note, I have to throw you some major respect. You are a father. At 21. I don't know how the hell you do it. You are juggling a lot. But from the way you articulate yourself on here I can already tell you're a loving father and intelligent person. Don't waste that. Your daughter is going to grow up in a 'non-traditional' family, as most kids do these days. The one thing that really messes up a child, male or female, is not having a strong, positive, male role model in their lives.

 

 

So I know you're heart-broken. And I know you're feeling worthless. But put that aside when it comes to your daughter. Chances are, sadly, that your ex has some more mistakes in her future that she needs to make. Your job is to make sure your daughter knows she's loved despite that. You may have been in love with a beautiful person...but that person no longer exists. If she existed, we would not be at this crossroad.

 

 

And spoiler alert...someone like your ex feeds off the affection of men (from the sounds of things). It may not bring you any solace...but know that she's not happy. Furthermore, she may try to enter your life romantically again someday. Stay strong. You don't need that.

 

I think you are showing maturity beyond your years. I don't know you so this may or may not resonate with you. It's been shown that exercise can be highly beneficial to people suffering from depression. I know when I was depressed running and cycling really helped.

 

I know you have a massive amount on your place now, but if you can find 30minites to an hour to go for a walk, a run or do some weights, or join a social sports team it will probably help.

 

To take it further, doing an event like a 5km, half marathon, marathon etc can not only provide incentives to exercise regularly but also gives a huge self confidence boost and can make you feel amazingly good. I would highly suggest considering a physical challenge and also joining a club (be it running or some other sport) as it will give you the physical element as well as a new social outlet that is a healthy one as opposed to say spending time at the pub etc.

 

Also you need to see your daughter regularly as this will help you quiet those fears of being a bad father. I am sure you aren't, given what you wrote, but don't drop the ball by not showing up. Seeing your ex is inevitable as you have a child together but the more you do it (to pick up your daughter) the easier it will be.

 

Don't worry about being lost. Most 21 year olds are very lost. And don't think she has it all sorted, I highly doubt she does. It's easy to look at other people and project the perfect life. But there is a saying that says something like if everyone put their problems in the open for us to see we would probably choose to have our own ones back. You have a good head on you, are getting an education and have a lovely daughter and your whole life ahead of you. I know you are hurting now, but it will get less with time.

 

So do your study, see your daughter, do daily exercise and try to eat well (veg fruit meat and unprocessed foods) and sleep. Don't drink too much either it's a depressant.

 

You totally will get there, just take it one day at a time

 

I'm so sorry, Arthur. You have a lot on your shoulders for one so young. And of course, I know you must realize that her behavior is because she is also very young and not ready for all this. So you must forgive her. You both stepped out and made a family and you've done very well moving ahead while still taking care of your family, so you deserve congratulations.

 

I don't know where you live, but if you find it too difficult to make the daughter exchange, in the US, you can ask for someone to get in the middle and do it, but I would urge you to simply keep it short and sweet, and don't even talk except a fake cheerful hello/goodbye, for the child's sake. And if your schedule allows, you should try for joint custody because that will lower your child support and also give you more time with your child. However if you simply can't with your schedule, but she can do it more, then you are stuck with whatever visitation you get, and you must take advantage of it. Do NOT give yourself a double loss here by letting things slide with your child. She will always be yours and you hers, and in time you will stop minding what her mother does as long as she's taking proper care of the child and you'll find someone new once you're a bit older, I'm sure. Best wishes. Don't despair. You've done very well. Don't be hard on yourself. But you must suck it up now and fake being only polite long enough to pick up and deliver your child.

Edited August 6, 2016 by arthurthegentlemen