Bf never wants to have sex

[FaithInTheDark]

Me and my boyfriend have hooked up through out the years but have become an official couple a couple months now.

We both kinda talked about me being more of a sexual person than him and he says he doesn't want to have sex unless he means it and it's genueine... Like making real love.

I can respect that. He also had sexual abuse happen as a child so that I understand effecting things for him.

But lately the lack of sex is really affecting me personally. Like we're a young couple - he's early30s I'm mid 20s....

We have sex maybe once a week.... I notice he wakes up with an erection and I point it out but he never goes forward with the sex....

This morning the same thing happened and I said "we don't have sex anymore, I don't get this"

He didn't answer and I got up out of bed and we started the day lik nothing's happened... I felt like crying.

He knows I desire this from him....I know he loves me and everything else between us has been pretty awesome.

I also know he's super stressed out work and money...this has been weighting on his mind a lot. So I do think that is s big reason behind things.

But my needs aren't being met and I wouldn't never want to force him. But thing is getting weird.

Any advice?? What should I do?

[Gaeta]

Me and my boyfriend have hooked up through out the years but have become an official couple a couple months now.

We both kinda talked about me being more of a sexual person than him and he says he doesn't want to have sex unless he means it and it's genueine... Like making real love.

 

Right from the start he told you his libido is weak and he has unsolved emotional issues with sex. I would not want to be with a man that only has sex when he feels like 'making love'. That's his bail out excuse for keeping sex to a minimum. You've been in for 2 months only you 2 should be doing it like rabbits. What you see is what you get. Do not expect sex to become more frequent but to become even more rare. You have nothing to gain in this but frustration that will soon turn into resentment. I would end this right here. Why? because I have been in a sexless relationship and it's cruel, it's torture, it destroys your self esteem, you feel abandoned, unloved, undesired, and it's not worth it. Even if he's a real nice guy he is not worth it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Me and my boyfriend have hooked up through out the years but have become an official couple a couple months now.

We both kinda talked about me being more of a sexual person than him and he says he doesn't want to have sex unless he means it and it's genueine... Like making real love.

I can respect that. He also had sexual abuse happen as a child so that I understand effecting things for him.

But lately the lack of sex is really affecting me personally. Like we're a young couple - he's early30s I'm mid 20s....

We have sex maybe once a week.... I notice he wakes up with an erection and I point it out but he never goes forward with the sex....

This morning the same thing happened and I said "we don't have sex anymore, I don't get this"

He didn't answer and I got up out of bed and we started the day lik nothing's happened... I felt like crying.

He knows I desire this from him....I know he loves me and everything else between us has been pretty awesome.

I also know he's super stressed out work and money...this has been weighting on his mind a lot. So I do think that is s big reason behind things.

But my needs aren't being met and I wouldn't never want to force him. But thing is getting weird.

Any advice?? What should I do?

 

This probably has a far greater effect than you realize. Sexual abuse can severely traumatize a person and leave a tragic mark throughout the victim's life. Physical intimacy can be very difficult for many, and unfortunately there is often a gigantic stigma on male victims in particular. Do you know if he's ever had counselling/treatment?

[FaithInTheDark]

But I love this man and he loves me. Yes he needs to heal from his past abuse. But it's pretty heart breaking when he knows this is effecting me and I'm not sure if he's willing to even try. He brings up ideas like candels, roses and romantic nights but I'm yet to see this and expressed I've been waiting.

Yeah this sucks, I feel sad and frustrated.

[newmoon]

maybe take the time to read more about childhood sexual abuse and the long-term difficulties it poses for an adult. especially a man. i get that your needs aren't being met by him, but perhaps he cannot do so because of past trauma. and he was open about that with you. so, you either learn to understand more about sexual abuse and him, or go have sex with someone else who can offer it up more willingly for you.

[smackie9]

Sorry but when you start a relationship and your expectations are not being fulfilled, you need to end it not hope you can fix it. It's not your problem to fix.

 

Unfortunately intimacy will always be an issue with him. Just keep him as a good friend.

[Ami1uwant]

I agree with the others...

 

He has low sex drive and the sex abuse was far bigger than you realize.

 

Have you really tried to initiate instead of him initiating. You see morning wood you give him a BJ. Have him get in the shower first then join him.

 

 

What were the situations when you did have sex? Was there a pattern to it like only at certain times or like after dinner??

[Ami1uwant]

But I love this man and he loves me. Yes he needs to heal from his past abuse. But it's pretty heart breaking when he knows this is effecting me and I'm not sure if he's willing to even try. He brings up ideas like candels, roses and romantic nights but I'm yet to see this and expressed I've been waiting.

Yeah this sucks, I feel sad and frustrated.

 

 

He may not know how to do it....take the lead snd teach him how yo do it.

[Gaeta]

But I love this man and he loves me. Yes he needs to heal from his past abuse. But it's pretty heart breaking when he knows this is effecting me and I'm not sure if he's willing to even try. He brings up ideas like candels, roses and romantic nights but I'm yet to see this and expressed I've been waiting.

Yeah this sucks, I feel sad and frustrated.

 

And your love will turn into resentment and hate soon. You cannot fix him. He needs to address his problems with a professional and even then it doesn't mean he will ever be able to have a normal sexual life. Eventually he will meet an asexual woman and they'll be happy to be together without the sex.

[fitnessfan365]

I feel for the OP. It's hard when you really care about someone emotionally and they aren't meeting your sexual needs. Then to make matters worse, the more you grow to care emotionally, the more your physical/sexual attraction magnifies. So you only get more and more frustrated. Then you wind up feeling terrible because sexual frustration seems trivial w/someone you care about.

 

I'm dealing with this right now myself. Although I will say that even though my GF has a few hang ups, she at least likes sex on a basic level. This guy wakes up w/morning wood and isn't even effected by it. I mean most normal guys that wake up w/morning wood next to the woman they're with, and it's all they can do not to plow her through the mattress. But this guy isn't effected by it at all. So I think Gaeta may be onto something that he's either asexual, or demisexual. A demisexual is someone who can't experience sexual attraction w/o a strong emotional connection to someone. Since the OP mentions that he only wants to "make love" I think he lacks the instinct just to focus on sexual pleasure which is what the OP wants.

[xcupid]

There are 3 things working in tandem here: his former sexual abuse, his stress about work and his stress about money.

 

For his sexual abuse he needs professional help. If he can't destress from work and money then he will probably lack desire.

 

Just because he wakes up with an erection doesn't mean he's horny and wants to have sex.

 

Rather than sex, have you thought of starting with just touch for intimacy? Massage and caressing in particular? Might help him destress and might lead to something more.

[FaithInTheDark]

I agree with the others...

 

He has low sex drive and the sex abuse was far bigger than you realize.

 

Have you really tried to initiate instead of him initiating. You see morning wood you give him a BJ. Have him get in the shower first then join him.

 

 

What were the situations when you did have sex? Was there a pattern to it like only at certain times or like after dinner??

 

 

I usually do initiate it but it's hard to press it with him when it feels like he's not into it. I shut down sometimes when I feel like I'm not desirable or something. I'm just the type of girl that has a hard time throwing myself at men. It's gotta be mutual.

A lot of his excuses are he's tired....and countless other excuses I don't need to get into detail about.

a lot of the times we have sex is when he's been drinking and seems to be more horny.

I'm feeling the resentment , if he doesn't step it up, I gotta have a serious talk.

[Gaeta]

I'm feeling the resentment , if he doesn't step it up, I gotta have a serious talk.

 

Faith; Putting pressure on him with a 'talk' isn't going to accomplish anything.

 

You can't 'step up' when you suffer from childhood trauma or lack of libido. It's not like asking a man to take you out more often. The root of this is deep into him and he cannot do anything about it on his own.

 

It's terrible that you think you can make him have sex with you. You will just destroy him a little more with your 'talk'.

 

Let him go.

[Ami1uwant]

I usually do initiate it but it's hard to press it with him when it feels like he's not into it. I shut down sometimes when I feel like I'm not desirable or something. I'm just the type of girl that has a hard time throwing myself at men. It's gotta be mutual.

A lot of his excuses are he's tired....and countless other excuses I don't need to get into detail about.

a lot of the times we have sex is when he's been drinking and seems to be more horny.

I'm feeling the resentment , if he doesn't step it up, I gotta have a serious talk.

 

This isn't him not interested in you. The talk you need should be in what happened in this abuse not one if he dont give more sex we are through.

 

The morning erection is usually referred to as a pee hard on. The need to pee while you are asleep so aN erection blocks the ability to pee. It is not sexual arousal or thinking he is the mood but not into you.

 

You said alcohol gets him to loosen up. This also is a sign of the psychological problems he has with sex. He needs to go to counselor specializing in childhood sexual abuse or rape.

[FaithInTheDark]

I get the abuse is a huge reason behind things. I feel terrible about this and he's expressed the impact its had on him. He talked to a concellor once he said.

Him and I have never talked more than a few times about the abuse. I'm open to listen but I don't want to bring it up to re hash negative emotions.

I want to help and be there for him but how would I even go about this

[Gaeta]

I get the abuse is a huge reason behind things. I feel terrible about this and he's expressed the impact its had on him. He talked to a concellor once he said.

Him and I have never talked more than a few times about the abuse. I'm open to listen but I don't want to bring it up to re hash negative emotions.

I want to help and be there for him but how would I even go about this

 

Do not make him talk about his abuse.

 

You are not a professional and you don't have the tools to help him. This is TOO big for you.

[mystikmind2005]

And your love will turn into resentment and hate soon. You cannot fix him. He needs to address his problems with a professional and even then it doesn't mean he will ever be able to have a normal sexual life. Eventually he will meet an asexual woman and they'll be happy to be together without the sex.

 

Yea, definitely no shortage of those type of women in the world!

[shet]

Gaeta, and everyone else, please refrain from describing "normal". Someone has a low sex drive. That is a spectrum of human behaviour. You're displaying prejudice and it isn't pretty. Don't do it.

[Els]

Well... IMO once a week isn't all that bad especially if he's facing severe work/money stress as you say. But that being said, it's really just about compatibility, and it seems both of you aren't sexually compatible. If you feel this incompatibility can't be resolved, then you should certainly bail. No point dragging it on.

 

I don't think this is something you can or even need to 'help him' with. If he desires to talk about the previous abuse he will, otherwise there is no point trying to get him to. And you can't change his libido.

[SugarLips72]

I hate to say this but its probably not going to get any better. Why would someone not want sex because of stress? Sex is a great stress reliever.

 

if you can handle a lack luster sex life then stay. If not leave. I would probably do the latter.

[Els]

I hate to say this but its probably not going to get any better. Why would someone not want sex because of stress? Sex is a great stress reliever.

 

Stress affects some people hugely in that it puts them out of the mood. When I am stressed about major stuff, my libido plummets, and when I'm relaxed and everything is going well, it soars. I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who reacts to stress in that manner.

 

But I agree that the OP should leave if she's not happy with her sex life with this guy.

[FaithInTheDark]

Well since the post he's got a great job but has to travel. He's made a huge effort ever since I brought up the sex. He says its insecure and performece anxiety.

We deeply love each other and I believe this can be worked out

[Els]

Well since the post he's got a great job but has to travel. He's made a huge effort ever since I brought up the sex. He says its insecure and performece anxiety.

We deeply love each other and I believe this can be worked out

 

Happy to hear that, OP. All the best!

 

I personally believe (from my experience and others') that in most LTRs between most people (who have normal problems like job issues, health issues, etc), sex tends to ebb and flow like other aspects of the R do. The key is really that both people make an effort to nudge things back to the right course so that the trough is a temporary one, not permanent. Both of you seem committed to doing that, so I think you'll be fine as far as this goes.

 

The 'ideal sex life' portrayed on LS (where both parties want sex ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY for years and years on end regardless of other circumstances or problems in their life) is not sustainable in most real LTRs IMO.

[FaithInTheDark]

Well it's been 6 weeks since this post. With the lack of sex and him now going away for work 3 weeks at a time, I told him how badly this was effecting me. He did make an effort to become more sexually frequent but then went to work for the 3 weeks. He came back and the sex was very casual during our time together. We went away on vacation this weekend and he made up excuses to not have sex until I broke down in tears. He explained that the root of this is anxiety,nervous and low sex drive. I told him how we need to work through this or else it's gonna damage things.

The last thing I want is to pressure or make my man , have him obligated to sleep with me. That's the worse and will still make me feel bad about myself no matter what.

He did say maybe I need help but simply says I have a higher sex drive then him. He saw how upset I was and says he loves me more than anything in the world. He wants it to feel natural.

The last night of our trip we did have sex but again I can tell its not something he really wants in terms of raw, heat of the moment things. One thing though is he has constant erections.

I can't leave him, everything is perfect with us besides this issue. He's the love of my life but this sex thing it's so hard.

I've never been in this situation

[regine_phalange]

I can understand him and I can understand you.

 

I personally wouldn't be able to handle something like that. Yes, the person who refused to be intimate with me was mentally ill and had a tough childhood. But hey, I've had a childhood full of rejection and feeling unwanted. So who wins here?