Guy says he's dating me because he can't get anybody else

[RoseWater]

I've been on 4 dates with a man I initially thought was gentle, kind and sensitive. On our 4th date I asked him if he'd met many women via the dating sites before. His response was: "Most women I meet just disappear and stop talking to me after a while. I don't think people should be allowed all these options and choice. There will always be somebody younger and more beautiful online. So people should not be given all those options. It's very bad."

 

He went on to say that once you start talking to somebody you click with, you should not be allowed to access profiles of other people as it's unnatural. He also said that in real life it wouldn't happen because none of us would be approached often and we'd meet hardly anyone who'd even give us the time of day. At this point I told him I get approached by men frequently. He looked surprised and sceptical and then said "that is very unusual."

 

In summary, he seemed to be saying most women show no interest in him or drop him quickly without explanation. Further, he seems to imply he is dating me because no other woman is willing to give him the time of day. That's not very flattering, is it? Especially given that I have other options.

 

To give some background. We met through an online dating site. He is 43, intelligent and extremely socially awkward and shy. Average height and average looking. I am 37, attractive, slim, somewhat introverted but socially confident.

 

My dating history is that I've gotten plenty of attention from men but was looking for a man who had some substance to him, meaning somebody who is kind, intelligent and thoughtful rather than just good looking and confident.

 

This guy and I clicked on the first date. The phone contact in between dates has been frequent and very positive. On the 2nd date he was awkward and weird. He looked terrified. But the 3rd date was great. Fast forward to our 4th date, yesterday.

 

He was extremely socially awkward and had the demeanour of a terrified deer. He kept staring at me then looking away in a bashful way, like a giggly schoolgirl kind of. There were loads of awkward silences. It was like he had no initiative all of a sudden. At one point we were at a gallery and he just stood there staring straight ahead in awkward silence until I said "shall we move on then?"

 

Then we went to dinner. During the dinner he said the other people's chatter in the restaurant was very distracting and made him feel anxious. He'd do stuff like grab the bottle and pour some for himself but none for me. Kept looking at me furtively and then looking away.

 

He left me feeling like he doesn't feel I have any value at all and that I was merely the only woman around willing to bother with him.

 

Or am I being too harsh?

[MidwestUSA]

No, you're not being too harsh.

 

Let me guess. This guy has never been married and hasn't had any relationships that lasted more than a few months.

 

He's awkward and out of touch with reality. And he's not going to 'get it' in this lifetime. I ran into many of these in my 40s.

 

Cut your bait now. The pouring wine for himself but not for me would have been quite enough. I'd have told him after that date 'sorry, I just don't see things working out here'. Does that make me harsh?

[RoseWater]

No, you're not being too harsh.

 

Let me guess. This guy has never been married and hasn't had any relationships that lasted more than a few months.

 

He's awkward and out of touch with reality. And he's not going to 'get it' in this lifetime. I ran into many of these in my 40s.

 

Cut your bait now. The pouring wine for himself but not for me would have been quite enough. I'd have told him after that date 'sorry, I just don't see things working out here'. Does that make me harsh?

 

Surprisingly he was married for 12 years. They divorced 6 years ago. I've no idea why they broke up but I have my suspicions now. Since then he says he has been very active on dating sites but typically women drop him quickly without explanation he says.

[RoseWater]

I contacted him to let him know how off putting his comments were. Here's his reply

 

"I knew that there must have been some misunderstanding. I was referring about how other people behave, not me!

 

"To be honest, I couldn't care less to see what's 'out there' after I met you.

 

"I am sorry if it seemed a comment somehow directed at you, or at us. It is not the case at all.

 

"I wish we could have clarified this in person."

[TaraMaiden2]

I've been on 4 dates with a man I initially thought was gentle, kind and sensitive. On our 4th date I asked him if he'd met many women via the dating sites before. His response was: "Most women I meet just disappear and stop talking to me after a while. I don't think people should be allowed all these options and choice. There will always be somebody younger and more beautiful online. So people should not be given all those options. It's very bad."

 

He went on to say that once you start talking to somebody you click with, you should not be allowed to access profiles of other people as it's unnatural. He also said that in real life it wouldn't happen because none of us would be approached often and we'd meet hardly anyone who'd even give us the time of day. At this point I told him I get approached by men frequently. He looked surprised and sceptical and then said "that is very unusual."

 

In summary, he seemed to be saying most women show no interest in him or drop him quickly without explanation. Further, he seems to imply he is dating me because no other woman is willing to give him the time of day. That's not very flattering, is it? Especially given that I have other options.

 

To give some background. We met through an online dating site. He is 43, intelligent and extremely socially awkward and shy. Average height and average looking. I am 37, attractive, slim, somewhat introverted but socially confident.

 

My dating history is that I've gotten plenty of attention from men but was looking for a man who had some substance to him, meaning somebody who is kind, intelligent and thoughtful rather than just good looking and confident.

 

This guy and I clicked on the first date. The phone contact in between dates has been frequent and very positive. On the 2nd date he was awkward and weird. He looked terrified. But the 3rd date was great. Fast forward to our 4th date, yesterday.

 

He was extremely socially awkward and had the demeanour of a terrified deer. He kept staring at me then looking away in a bashful way, like a giggly schoolgirl kind of. There were loads of awkward silences. It was like he had no initiative all of a sudden. At one point we were at a gallery and he just stood there staring straight ahead in awkward silence until I said "shall we move on then?"

 

Then we went to dinner. During the dinner he said the other people's chatter in the restaurant was very distracting and made him feel anxious. He'd do stuff like grab the bottle and pour some for himself but none for me. Kept looking at me furtively and then looking away.

 

He left me feeling like he doesn't feel I have any value at all and that I was merely the only woman around willing to bother with him.

 

Or am I being too harsh?

Erm....no, I don't think you are.

 

The guy sounds extremely odd.

The above posted bit I bolded, is really quite revealing.

A self-fulfilling prophecy, but after thesde dates I can see why.

 

He's also projecting his own failures onto the shoulders of others.

it's everyone else's fault, but patently, not his.... Yeah, right....

 

That was made abundantly clear at his incredulity when you said you have many approaches....

 

He seems to have made his mind up about his own failures being the fault or responsibility of others... and his behaviour sounded bizarre to say the least.

maybe all his previous dates dumped him around the 4th date....oh....hang on.....

 

I wonder why?

Self-defeating.

I think you'd be right to move on.

He sounds a little...."unsettled".....

[MidwestUSA]

I contacted him to let him know how off putting his comments were. Here's his reply

 

"I knew that there must have been some misunderstanding. I was referring about how other people behave, not me!

 

"To be honest, I couldn't care less to see what's 'out there' after I met you.

 

"I am sorry if it seemed a comment somehow directed at you, or at us. It is not the case at all.

 

"I wish we could have clarified this in person."

 

So he has no filter when his mouth opens, but can backpedal to try to straighten things out. Great.

 

If I were getting dropped like a rock after contact with someone, I surely wouldn't admit it to anyone else, especially someone I'm interested in. And the fact that he was shocked you get approached? Insulting.

 

If you go another date, make sure you keep the wine bottle on your side, and pour for yourself only. Seems fair enough!

 

Was this exchange via text or phone?

[kpl]

I contacted him to let him know how off putting his comments were. Here's his reply

 

"I knew that there must have been some misunderstanding. I was referring about how other people behave, not me!

 

"To be honest, I couldn't care less to see what's 'out there' after I met you.

 

"I am sorry if it seemed a comment somehow directed at you, or at us. It is not the case at all.

 

"I wish we could have clarified this in person."

 

That's kind of what I picked up from his comments as well. Not being considerate is one thing (with the glass) but his views on online dating seemed fair. Sometimes ppl use it to keep expecting to meet the next prettiest, smartest person that could ever exist they just don't enjoy the ppl they meet and ppl get nexted so quickly over little things. And being someone that has been married before he probably understands that there is no perfect person out there.

 

The comment about "it is unusual" you meet men in person was probably more so relative to his own experiences or other women he knows it probably wasn't directed to you. Whether you are 20, 30,40 sometimes you can get nervous if you really like someone and things are not well said. I bet he is a lot clearer when texting b/c he has time to think of a response.

[RoseWater]

Erm....no, I don't think you are.

 

The guy sounds extremely odd.

The above posted bit I bolded, is really quite revealing.

A self-fulfilling prophecy, but after thesde dates I can see why.

 

He's also projecting his own failures onto the shoulders of others.

it's everyone else's fault, but patently, not his.... Yeah, right....

 

That was made abundantly clear at his incredulity when you said you have many approaches....

 

He seems to have made his mind up about his own failures being the fault or responsibility of others... and his behaviour sounded bizarre to say the least.

maybe all his previous dates dumped him around the 4th date....oh....hang on.....

 

I wonder why?

Self-defeating.

I think you'd be right to move on.

He sounds a little...."unsettled".....

 

I found it especially strange that he can be sitting opposite a woman who is obviously not physically unattractive and express such shock that she gets approached by men. And that combined with him grabbing the bottle and pouring only for himself. Prior to this his manners had been on point. Something really seems not right here.

[Disconnect]

Really not great, he seems a bit of a train wreck, I'd leave it be if I were you.

[RoseWater]

That's kind of what I picked up from his comments as well. Not being considerate is one thing (with the glass) but his views on online dating seemed fair. Sometimes ppl use it to keep expecting to meet the next prettiest, smartest person that could ever exist they just don't enjoy the ppl they meet and ppl get nexted so quickly over little things. And being someone that has been married before he probably understands that there is no perfect person out there.

 

The comment about "it is unusual" you meet men in person was probably more so relative to his own experiences or other women he knows it probably wasn't directed to you. Whether you are 20, 30,40 sometimes you can get nervous if you really like someone and things are not well said. I bet he is a lot clearer when texting b/c he has time to think of a response.

 

Yes he is much better at communicating by text but...his comments leave me feeling de-valued and I suspect it might even be his intention to devalue me. Maybe he is being truthful about the fact he has no luck with women, but to assume I don't get male attention and don't have options beyond him. That is not only hugely untrue, it's also setting off a bit of a red flag for me. It hints at him trying to perhaps put me down or take jabs at me?

[RoseWater]

So he has no filter when his mouth opens, but can backpedal to try to straighten things out. Great.

 

If I were getting dropped like a rock after contact with someone, I surely wouldn't admit it to anyone else, especially someone I'm interested in. And the fact that he was shocked you get approached? Insulting.

 

If you go another date, make sure you keep the wine bottle on your side, and pour for yourself only. Seems fair enough!

 

Was this exchange via text or phone?

 

It's really odd. I don't know anything much about aspergers and autism but does any of his behaviour suggest traits relating to either of these? He also reacts very negatively to any form of chatter and gets distracted and will want to immediately leave the restaurant and go for a walk. It's like he can't focus and is so distracted that he can't even eat or talk or behave normally.

[Disconnect]

Yes he is much better at communicating by text but...his comments leave me feeling de-valued and I suspect it might even be his intention to devalue me. Maybe he is being truthful about the fact he has no luck with women, but to assume I don't get male attention and don't have options beyond him. That is not only hugely untrue, it's also setting off a bit of a red flag for me. It hints at him trying to perhaps put me down or take jabs at me?

 

Yeah, he really shouldn't be making you feel like that so early on. Usually people put their best foot forward when dating someone new. What's he going to be like if the relationship got comfy and he isn't trying to impress you anymore?! I don't think he even likes women much. You can do wayyyyyy better.

[RoseWater]

He also said a lot of the women on Tinder are "professionals". I asked him what he meant. He said the women are prostitutes. He then went into detail about how these prostitutes had very beautifully presented photos "not like the unflattering photos you and I post on there". He seemed to have detailed knowledge of these prostitutes' actions on Tinder.

 

Another weird detail that is niggling me since our date last night.

[RoseWater]

Yeah, he really shouldn't be making you feel like that so early on. Usually people put their best foot forward when dating someone new. What's he going to be like if the relationship got comfy and he isn't trying to impress you anymore?! I don't think he even likes women much. You can do wayyyyyy better.

 

That is really interesting Disconnect. Would you mind telling me more about how you reached that conclusion?

[kpl]

Yes he is much better at communicating by text but...his comments leave me feeling de-valued and I suspect it might even be his intention to devalue me. Maybe he is being truthful about the fact he has no luck with women, but to assume I don't get male attention and don't have options beyond him. That is not only hugely untrue, it's also setting off a bit of a red flag for me. It hints at him trying to perhaps put me down or take jabs at me?

 

I don't think he is intentionally trying to devalue you. I mean if he is that socially awkward he really wouldn't think to do that. He was in marriage perhaps with someone he thought would be the love of his life. Dating has changed in the last 18 years since he started, he has no idea what he is doing and whether you are ok with that is up to you. He probably realized after his divorce how sucky and soul sucking OLD is and is getting bitter. He is projecting his own disappointment on to you...like another poster mentioned. I, personally, don't think it makes him a bad person but I think it would probably take a lot of work for you to both work on his confidence issues and you have to decide if that is what you are up to doing.

[Disconnect]

That is really interesting Disconnect. Would you mind telling me more about how you reached that conclusion?

 

I think he's misanthropic because he has depression and anxiety. Just my feeling from everything you've said.

[kpl]

I think he's misanthropic because he has depression and anxiety. Just my feeling from everything you've said.

 

def doesn't sound like aspergers at all. He sounds like he may just be a little defeated right now. I am sure it stems from his divorce, just didn't sound like he bounced back well.

[RoseWater]

Yeah because women want guys desired by other women. When a guy isn't desired by other women he's dropped like a hot potato. I'm 44 and I know. It's truly strange that women care so much about this, but have so much trouble dropping abusive guys. At least you're honest and don't beat around the bush.

 

 

It's not unreasonable. If you are a woman and you yourself have other options why would you find it attractive if a man has been rejected by all other women and nobody wants him?

[Disconnect]

Guys who are nervous and jittery usually can't put their best foot forward on the first dates. It doesn't help that they can't make it past the first date. The responses here confirm that women desire the shine more than substance, which is my experience.

 

1. Don't make assumptions about me.

 

2. I used to have bad social anxiety, I worked on it and got over it. Even at my most anxious and shy, I would have never dreamed of saying the stuff this guy has said.

[RoseWater]

Guys who are nervous and jittery usually can't put their best foot forward on the first dates. It doesn't help that they can't make it past the first date. The responses here confirm that women desire the shine more than substance, which is my experience.

 

A man who is slightly hesitant and quiet and sensitive is attractive to many women, me included. When it reaches a point where the guy seems literally paralysed with fear and anxiety to the point where he can't even maintain eye contact with a woman he's already been on 3 dates with it can become far less attractive. Maybe some women would be OK with this but I understand that many of us are going to be turned off by it.

[RoseWater]

1. Don't make assumptions about me.

 

2. I used to have bad social anxiety, I worked on it and got over it. Even at my most anxious and shy, I would have never dreamed of saying the stuff this guy has said.

 

Did you have therapy to get over your social anxiety? I have very mild social anxiety but it doesn't negatively impact my life and I'm still able to do the things I want to do, thankfully.

[RoseWater]

I'm not going to convince you or any woman otherwise, but it's used against me all the time by women. The guys who spend their teens and early twenties treating women as notches on bedposts all are doing just fine having settled down with their own families. At the same time I'm 44 and get constantly blocked early on before given a real chance because I'm not good at first impressions. It's reality but hard to accept reality.

 

Rog, there is a happy medium between somebody who is or was a player and somebody who is painfully social awkward!

 

Why do you get blocked early on? What are you like on the first few dates?

[RoseWater]

I would also like to know why he seems to have such detailed knowledge of the prostitutes he claims use Tinder to search for clients.

 

He did tell me he was sure male prostitutes probably operated on Tinder as well. When I explained to him that male prostitutes might not get much trade from female Tinder users because casual sex would be really easy to come by for women, he seemed surprised. He said, "if that level of attention is easy for you you must be very unusual."

 

It's like he thinks I must be undesirable to men otherwise I wouldn't have chosen him!

[Disconnect]

When did I make an assumption about you? I've been around 44 years and see patterns of women in general. I've said things like this guy did. I wish I had said nothing, but then again what am I supposed to do? It's unnerving knowing that most women don't accept guys without enough other options.

 

The assumption was 'women like us prefer shine over substance'. What's being 44 got to do with it? Feeling shy or having had bad dating experience in the past is no excuse for behaving obnoxiously, judgementally, and having no social filter. There's a saying - ''A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank.'' Some shyness, a little awkwardness is appealing to a lot of women, me included. But what's not appealing is landing misanthropic baggage on someone that knows nothing of your past, and tarring all women with the same sh*tty old brush.

[Kamille]

Sadly that's what I assume too. Look at all the guys that have good looking faces and athletic figures and are good with words. Of course I'm being settled for because most all women desire these guys but there isn't enough to go around. I don't handed stand how women call that sick, yet give a ive men chance after chance to reform.

 

You're taking all this way too personally. It's online dating. People like different things and you actually don't know why women choose those other men.

 

Which is exactly what is doing Rosewater's guy in. He's stuck in his own storyline and is putting her down and losing her in the process. If he could get out of his own defeatist thoughts, he would stand a chance here. Instead, he's too wrapped up in himself to actually get to know her (or even pour her some wine!). So now she's going to walk away and he will read this as something that confirms his beliefs.

 

He's stuck. But it's not women's fault, it's his own doing.