broke up with bf because of fight with family

[hooghie]

I love my bf more than I have ever loved anyone, but there are problems.

I am so depressed right now. We have been together for almost 3 years.

 

My sister is my best friend, but she has jealousy issues in general AND has had a hard time dealing with my bf because she was close to my ex husband.

 

My boyfriend has a drinking problem. He was drunk last night and my sis was over and he just attacked her on everything she said. She is much younger than we are and has ideals that are probably unrealistic, but he just made her feel very stupid about them. For example, she was saying the her life long goal is to get a PHD and teach at a university (she just got her mba in may)- and she mentioned that she can now probably teach at a community college with just a masters- she wasn't saying she would do it, just that she may be able to get a job. Anyway, my bf attacked her about how she really isn't qualified, she doesn't know anything yet, etc.- just really mean.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I understand how he thinks when he is drinking and his words came out much worse than he meant them too. Anyway, my sister SNAPPED at him and I don't blame her AND she is mad at me now too.

 

I told my bf that I cannot be with him. He doesn't respect my family and acts like an idiot when he drinks. He left and we are done. I'm just so depressed because he IS the love of my life- he makes me very happy 95% of the time- he knows what I'm thinking- he is very compassionate, etc.

 

I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my bf and my sister and I chose my sister.

 

Anyway, I am really depressed. He shouldn't have acted that way towards my family- I don't care if he was drunk. I've noticed he gets very argumentative when he drinks- even if he doesn't care about the issue at hand.

 

I just think this is beyone repair now- even if he quits drinking completely -

my sister will not forgive easily and she is right when she says drinking isn't an excuse.

 

My sister is almost 12 years younger than me and I spent 1/2 the day yesterday with her boyfriend who spent the entire time complimenting and respecting me and I'm embarressed of my bf's behavior.

 

I'm just scared right now because I don't know how I'm going to get over him and I know in my heart I will never love someone else as deeply as I love him.

 

 

 

[Groovy]

If your sister loves you she will be happy you are with whoever you love, even if she doesn't like him. Is he drunk a lot? How long has this been going on? My concern would not be your sister and the fight they had but that he has a drinking problem. The latter is much harder to fix or as easy as turning a mango into an orange.

 

If it seems he wants to stop and he agrees to go to AA or rehab than give him another chance. Otherwise you are probably heading down a bad road. Sometimes we love people who drink too much but it is just to painful to watch and be with them. It can be like a slow drawn out suicide. I would take solitutude.

 

It will get better with time, hang in.

[hooghie]

Thanks for your response.

The drinking has been going on ever since I've known him and probably most of his life- he can either have 4 drinks or 20+- there is no in between. I know I'm part of the problem because I enjoy going to dinner and drinks or even just a few drinks, but drinking has never been a problem for me. I am usually done after a couple. Anyway, if we get back together, I know I need to help keep him away from the booze.

 

He just called and apologized and told me he loves me. I know he does, and I love him too, but I can't live like this. He is going to come over tomorrow and take his things. I think at a minimum, I need to stay away from him for a while.

 

It's just hard because outside of the drinking- I can't even explain how compatible we are- we have so much fun together- we have deep conversations about EVERYTHING. I read the relationship issues on these sites on a regular basis and we don't have most of the problems everyone else does. Our love for eachother is so strong- after 3 years, I still melt when he kisses me.

[Groovy]

I would plan to keep alcohol out of his sight. When he is not with you he will have to take care of himself. But being sober and dating a drinker will not work for him. Have you told him your concerned? He may get defensive, expect that. Also expect denial. But just say "Because I love you, I want you to know that I am concerned about you drinking. I think it makes you do silly things and wonder if you can do without the booze". See what comes of it all.

 

Has he apologized to your sister? Disagreements happen. I can't stand one of my in laws but love her despite we are rude to each other sometimes.

[hooghie]

yes, he knows my concerns and he agrees that he has a problem with drinking and he wants to fix it, but I'm not so sure if he thinks it is as much of a problem as I do.

 

He apologized to my sister last night- while he was still drunk, but it made things worse. He is pretty much incoherent when he is drunk. He told her he didn't mean it the way it came out, but didn't explain how he did mean it. She is very very strong and demanding- she definitely got even with insults and managed to insult me several times in the process. I think my bf was 100% at fault, but right now, I don't want to talk to her either.

 

I'm sure he will eventually try and give her a real apology while he is SOBER. He is not an evil person and is extremely emotional which is one of the reasons why I love him so much, but I'm pretty sure the apology will fall on deaf ears.

 

My family is very very close and my sister is a big part of my life and always has been. It would be very difficult for me to be with someone my sis hates.