New Job and Starting to Crush

[Titania22]

Hi Guys,

 

It's been a few years since I have been on here.

 

I gave up on romantic involvements completely in 2013, and have since then not been intimate or dated at all.

 

I spend most of my free time at home, and don't socialise in real life at all anymore.

 

I am cool with that. I enjoy my own company and live better without temptation. (My old old threads showed that I have a tendency to develop huge crushes on unobtainable people, and when I do I have a hard time getting over them. I also got over my last one sometime in 2012/2013.)

 

I finally got hired for a permanent position, in a small company just starting up, about 2 months ago. Mostly I am in the office alone, about once or twice a week my boss comes into the office to work for a few hours. I am not used to being around men in real life anymore, and I can feel myself starting to develop feelings for him. He is really kind and good at dealing with me when I am difficult. I even had a dream a few nights ago where he pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately. (Normally when guys turn up in my dreams it's just to reject me.)

 

I don't know to deal with my feelings.

[oberkeat]

I spend most of my free time at home, and don't socialise in real life at all anymore.

 

This line right here worries me. It's not a good thing if work is the only thing you have going on in your life. I think a lot of people look for love at work because that's simply where they spend most of their time, and your situation is obviously a good example of that. It's kind of a lazy way of finding dates, in my opinion. Just because you work together doesn't mean you actually have anything in common. I think you need to branch out into groups or activities that allow you to meet people outside of work. That will also make you a more interesting person.

[seekingluck]

This feels like a red flag to me. Mostly because it is your superior and it is a small company. It seems like you are crushing because you are missing the feelings of attention and affection. And your boss has become a surrogate because he is closest to you right now.

 

I'd advocate for getting a bit more socialization in outside of work, so you can get used to being around more people. I think your crush will fade as you absorb more "attention."

[GunslingerRoland]

Your current lifestyle just isn't healthy. Humans are social beings, we may be extroverted, or introverted, outgoing or shy. But at our core we need other people in our life even if it's just a couple of close friends and family.

 

It sounds like your boss is the only person you have any interaction with so of course you are crushing on him, because instinctively you want to be with someone.

 

I'm not saying you need to change your life completely, and become a party animal and have 500 friends. But as much as you say otherwise, you clearly have a huge void in your life where other people are supposed to be. And part of that is where interaction with a lover is supposed to fill.

[Titania22]

Hi,

 

I agree with you guys.

 

I used to have 2 really close friends, but they both died (one in 2008 and one in 2013). Over the past few years I was online gaming and having mostly online friends. I have had huge depression this year, and pulled right back from socialising with my online friends.

 

I gave up on dating and men, because I couldn't find a situation that worked for me (i.e. a monogamous relationship), and the emotional turmoil of trying seemed like way too much effort for no result. There seems to be a huge disconnect for me me between men I am attracted to and men that are attracted to me. I even tried being involved with someone I didn't find physically attractive (he had other good traits), but that didn't work, because I wasn't willing to lie about finding him physically attractive.

 

It seemed like the best thing for everyone was if I just pulled myself out of the race, I have my grown children at home so I am not completely alone.

 

When I got up this morning I wanted to post about a text message I wanted to send to my boss, just so I could either be rejected or not and then deal with it. But now reading your replies I know the sane response to this problem would be to have actual friends and other people I see in real life. I really don't know how to do that.

Edited October 9, 2015 by Titania22

[Titania22]

Optional reading as I obviously don't have a friend to talk to and feel the need to talk. I am just going to write about my job and things that have happened in the 2 months I have been there.

 

It seems I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride ever since this job started, and I don't mean the crush thing. It has been a stressful job, dealing with a constant stream of problems (fixing problems seems like my job description). I even quit my job after 1 week, because I knew the stress would be bad, very bad for someone as unstable as me. But everyone I told (I do work with other people via email, text and phone) begged me to stay, and my boss kept asking me to stay just 2 more weeks, every week to now when 2 months has passed. Then because the company was going under he reorganised the business to save money (i.e. he let people go), but not me, instead he is passing their jobs to me and making them part of my job. As my daughter said 'I have done everything you are absolutely not supposed to do at a job (such as quitting, having a rant calling everyone incompetent and crying), and instead of losing my job, other people lose theirs and I essentially get a promotion (but without a pay raise).

 

At work something did happen that was inappropriate about a month ago, but I never told anyone because I didn't want to cause trouble. There was another guy working there. He was doing the accounts work. He would come into the office a couple of times a week, sometime my boss was around mostly he wasn't. One Friday afternoon just when I was leaving for the day, he engaged me in seemingly friendly conversation. But then my started asking my all sorts of probing questions about my sexual history and tried to copafeel. He made it abundantly clear that he found me very attractive. I went home, I wasn't feeling upset about it, and talked to my daughter, because I talked to my daughter I didn't overreact, instead I sent the guy a text telling him I felt uncomfortable and want to keep things professional. Later I even found out he was married. I never said anything to anyone other than my daughter that night, and behaved like it never happened. (Incidentally he is one of the people who has been let go. I feel good that he is gone, and also good that I had kept my mouth shut.)

 

Now I just want to share some of the behaviour of my boss, which I think could just chalk up to keeping his new employee happy. Because hey, 'girl talk'. He is very diplomatic with his language and good at diffusing situations. When I upset about something or stressed out, he listens to me and helps solve the issue, for example if someone is upsetting me he will call that person and have the issue settled on the spot. On Thursday I was really sad (because I keep having constant problems with our installer). And not only did he let me talk out my feelings he gave me a hug and basically said it was a problem he had to fix, because he can't have me being unhappy. (He has known that installer for years, and me only 2 months. If there is a huge problem it seems like he should just replace the girl that started 2 months ago and tried to quit after a week. The girl who has been an emotional trainwreck since starting. To me it seems like a no brainer.) Oh and it seems like every week now he buys me lunch like once a week when he is in the office. The company is going to do a show in a couple of weeks, and I don't have to be there (I am no sales person), but he asked to pop by and say hi. Oh and a week ago, he asked me for advice on dealing with his sister.

 

Anyway I don't know if anyone was bothered to read this, but it feels good just having shared it. I am trying really hard not to read anything into my bosses behaviour other than maybe he see me as someone he can save, and also whip his sad dis-organised company into a shape where he can actually start making a profit, but as crush symptoms start to show, it's probably easy to see why I could.

[Titania22]

I feel so tired, but I can't seem to sleep. I haven't had a proper nights sleep for a week. Plus my stomach has been all churned up for almost a week.

 

Normally I deal with things by throwing them out into the open, so I can get my answers and face reality. This is why I keep coming back to texting him. If he rejects me, it nips this all in the bud.

 

Not doing anything about it, is just making it fester and become a bigger thing than it is.

 

I just want to be able to sleep!

[Titania22]

I know not many people responded and this thread was mostly me writing through my feelings, but I wanted to say Thankyou.

 

I seemed to have got over the crush before it completely took hold.

 

I felt like I was over it yesterday, but wanted to wait until I saw my boss again just to make sure. I had to work with him today, and I most certainly am not crushing on him in any way.

 

Maybe I was just having some kind of hormonal rush or something, and projected those feelings onto the only present man.

 

Anyway Thankyou!