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Anxiety’s Getting The Best Of Me


Lovelorn00

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Those of you who have read some of my previous posts know that I have been dating a guy that I really like for a little over two months. Recently, I started to get the feeling that he’s pulling away and/or not interested anymore. I received many responses that (correctly) ascertained that my feelings may be coming from severe dating anxiety and my tendency to think negatively about these situations, so I really don’t know if I can trust myself anymore. I had a date with him last Friday that went wonderfully at first, but, unfortunately, ended in a horrible dog bite incident that sent me to the ER.

 

I’m fine now, but… sigh… I want to see him again. I resolved to leave him alone since the incident, as he’s expressed quite a bit of embarrassment and humiliation over the whole thing. I figured this was a sign that he was no longer interested, so I left him alone. He’s initiated contact with me every day since then. Yesterday, he texted just to check in to see if I was surviving my hectic work week (we’ve both been SLAMMED at work this week), which I appreciated. Then, the conversation shifted to weekend plans.

 

Me: Are you going to GenericName Festival this weekend?

Him: Yep! I’ve already got my ticket!

Me: Nice!

[An Hour Passes]

Me: I really want to go, but I haven’t been able to find anyone else who’s going. Everyone is out of town this weekend!

 

He has since responded, but I am terrified to even see what he says, because I’m fearing the worst. The last time I flat-out told him I wanted to hang, he said that he didn’t want to, because he was feeling weird and uneasy about the bite incident, so I’m a little hesitant to put myself out there and ask him again. And, it seems to me, if he was actually still into me and wanted to see me again, he would’ve responded after my awkward “Nice!” text with one of the following:

 

Him: Are you going?

Him: You should come with us!

Him: Let’s go together! I’ll get your ticket! It’s the least I could do after what happened last weekend.

 

HOWEVER, in my head, here is what I have imagined his ACTUAL response to be:

 

Him: Bummer!

Him: That’s too bad!

Him: Good luck!

Him: Sounds like you don’t have any friends! Loser!

 

 

Okay, maybe not that last response, but still. Yes, I know that this all sounds rather crazy, and I guess I just needed to talk it out. On the one hand, his initiating contact gives me false hope that there is indeed a little spark of interest still there. On the other hand, I’m getting a (possible) vibe that he’s totally lost interest. I’m afraid to check that text, because I’m not quite ready for that horrible sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I realize it’s the proverbial nail in the coffin for our little relationship.

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oh no LL i have to admit I cringed a little at your response to him. IF you want to go with him just say that I get the anxiety got int the way but your response seemed like a bit of game playing.

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Those of you who have read some of my previous posts know that I have been dating a guy that I really like for a little over two months. Recently, I started to get the feeling that he’s pulling away and/or not interested anymore. I received many responses that (correctly) ascertained that my feelings may be coming from severe dating anxiety and my tendency to think negatively about these situations, so I really don’t know if I can trust myself anymore. I had a date with him last Friday that went wonderfully at first, but, unfortunately, ended in a horrible dog bite incident that sent me to the ER.

 

I’m fine now, but… sigh… I want to see him again. I resolved to leave him alone since the incident, as he’s expressed quite a bit of embarrassment and humiliation over the whole thing. I figured this was a sign that he was no longer interested, so I left him alone. He’s initiated contact with me every day since then. Yesterday, he texted just to check in to see if I was surviving my hectic work week (we’ve both been SLAMMED at work this week), which I appreciated. Then, the conversation shifted to weekend plans.

 

Me: Are you going to GenericName Festival this weekend?

Him: Yep! I’ve already got my ticket!

Me: Nice!

[An Hour Passes]

Me: I really want to go, but I haven’t been able to find anyone else who’s going. Everyone is out of town this weekend!

 

He has since responded, but I am terrified to even see what he says, because I’m fearing the worst. The last time I flat-out told him I wanted to hang, he said that he didn’t want to, because he was feeling weird and uneasy about the bite incident, so I’m a little hesitant to put myself out there and ask him again. And, it seems to me, if he was actually still into me and wanted to see me again, he would’ve responded after my awkward “Nice!” text with one of the following:

 

Him: Are you going?

Him: You should come with us!

Him: Let’s go together! I’ll get your ticket! It’s the least I could do after what happened last weekend.

 

HOWEVER, in my head, here is what I have imagined his ACTUAL response to be:

 

Him: Bummer!

Him: That’s too bad!

Him: Good luck!

Him: Sounds like you don’t have any friends! Loser!

 

 

Okay, maybe not that last response, but still. Yes, I know that this all sounds rather crazy, and I guess I just needed to talk it out. On the one hand, his initiating contact gives me false hope that there is indeed a little spark of interest still there. On the other hand, I’m getting a (possible) vibe that he’s totally lost interest. I’m afraid to check that text, because I’m not quite ready for that horrible sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I realize it’s the proverbial nail in the coffin for our little relationship.

 

Listen, if the response is "hey, come with me", if you wait too long to answer, you'll miss the opportunity.

 

If he doesn't invite, you so be it. Right now, you are thinking it's probably over anyway, so . . .

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oh no LL i have to admit I cringed a little at your response to him. IF you want to go with him just say that I get the anxiety got int the way but your response seemed like a bit of game playing.

 

That's exactly what a girlfriend of mine said, which is another reason I'm avoiding reading his response.

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That's exactly what a girlfriend of mine said, which is another reason I'm avoiding reading his response.

 

now I'm getting anxiety about the response. haha

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He felt really bad about the dog incident so it sent him back into his snail shell.

He is unsure of you and what you are thinking. You need to stop getting yourself tied up in knots for nothing and happily accept his invite.

 

Your anxiety is sending a bad vibe, and it's making him wonder if you are interested in him, so that being said, get on with it, and enjoy the concert.....be positive!

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That's exactly what a girlfriend of mine said, which is another reason I'm avoiding reading his response.

 

Well it's been over an hour since you posted this ... soooooo.....

 

Are you gonna let us know what he said... or keep us in suspense?

 

:bunny::bunny:

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A literal dog bite? Why would he feel awkward about that? What happened?

 

Anyway, I truly know where you're coming from. I've kind of done that thing too where I'm like oooh sounds great I'd love to go, but I don't have anyone to go with... hinthint, and then panicked and over analyzed everything he says. But there's a gazillion reasons why he wouldn't want to invite you (a girl he's only started dating) along to plans he's already made with other people. Think about it. The response probably won't be to invite you along - BUT this doesn't mean anything. You're putting all this weight and meaning to one gesture. Don't. This anxiety is already poisoning your relationship and probably also affecting other parts of your life, so you should definitely get help for that. I recommend therapy. Or you can try to work on yourself a little bit.. just imagine, what's the worst that could happen if you read that text? And what does it really matter if he does not invite you along? Does it automatically mean he doesn't like you or that he doesn't want to accomodate another factor into his already made plans? He's initiating contact every day, so you need to chill and make the most of it before he runs. Easy, breezy, casual and fun is the vibe he should be getting from you, don't let the anxiety rule over you. Adopt a there's-plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea attitude, never put all your eggs in one guy's basket.

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A literal dog bite? Why would he feel awkward about that? What happened?

 

.

 

She posted all about it in a previous thread....

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I really hope he invites you. I do not know why relationships have to be this difficult!

 

Since she hasn't updated....and it's been now almost 1.5 hours since she last posted... it's not lookin good. :(

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On the other hand, I’m getting a (possible) vibe that he’s totally lost interest. I’m afraid to check that text, because I’m not quite ready for that horrible sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I realize it’s the proverbial nail in the coffin for our little relationship.

 

As someone with panic disorder, I get a horrible vibe when I go out in public. It's called anxiety. If you're an anxious person realise your 'horrible vibes' are also inaccurate and usually unrelated to anything going on in your environment. :)

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On the other hand, I’m getting a (possible) vibe that he’s totally lost interest. I’m afraid to check that text, because I’m not quite ready for that horrible sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I realize it’s the proverbial nail in the coffin for our little relationship.

 

FWIW, I think ANY woman, even a woman who did NOT suffer from anxiety would get that same vibe... I know I would!

 

 

His behavior as of late (before and after the dog bite incident) has been very elusive, hard to read, and frankly just downright confusing.

 

 

I don't blame you for feeling as you do.

 

 

JMO, but even if he does show himself to be interested, I don't think he's the right guy for you. Too elusive, too many guessing games!

 

 

It doesn't have to be that way.... relationships are NOT supposed to be that way -- keeping you wondering, guessing and on edge all the time.

 

 

If they are, then something's just not right.

 

 

It's up to you though... you're the one dating him, not me.

Edited by katiegrl
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LL, I feel like the anxiety you are experiencing as a result of this guy is worse than whatever he could have to say! I hope you have looked at the text by now, but all I can say is I totally empathise with you. I dated someone who caused me huge anxiety because he blew so hot and cold and I never want to experience it again, it's debilitating.

 

I think you're at the point where you just have to put yourself out there and ask him what he's interested in. I know it will be crushing if he "rejects" you but trust me, after a few tears, it will be no worse than living with the uncertainty you have now. And hey, on the plus side, if he is confused / uncertain about you, then you could have a new quality relationship!

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I agree, I've also been there SO many times, trying to decipher mixed signals (him contacting you daily while acting elusive is super mixed!!) and feeling serious anxiety, but still holding on, because he keeps giving me crumbs - just no. Stop. You need to decide when it stops being fun for you and then call. it. quits. Not just pull back, but confront him and don't take anything but full closure for an answer. And if his response is anything other than "I'm crazy about you, let's give this another shot" then just keep your cool and reply with something like "that's fine, but I'm looking for someone who's more invested" etc. Because your mental health is more important than letting these wishwashy cowards dictate your emotional state. If he's as interested as you deserve for him to be, then he will see what he's lost and try to get you back. But you know what? He probably won't - because he just wasn't invested! And you just figured that out and you had the control when you called it quits. And after a while, that feeling will be worth a million bucks.

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Because your mental health is more important than letting these wishwashy cowards dictate your emotional state.

 

Well said!

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StocksnBlondes

LL ...way to coax the coyote out of his den ...call his bluff ...whatever you want to call it ...I like the way you played this and though his response could be the nail in the coffin ...you stepped up and forced the issue. Proud of you.

 

If you don't update us anxious loveshackers pretty soon ...we're going to start taking bets re: his response. What a cliffhanger!

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Man oh man. Thanks, everyone, for your responses.

 

So, I read the text. He did indeed invite me (kinda) to come along with his group of friends, and I accepted. He said he was in the process of getting a plan together for transportation and a DD and whatnot. So, all that worry for nothing. Kinda...

 

Soon after his last text, he said that all of his friends decided to bail and that it would just be his parents going. I confirmed that he had already bought his tickets, and he said he had. "I'll have to get back to you on the plan," he followed. "Hmmm. That's weird," I said. Whoops. Shouldn't have said that, because then he asked, "What's weird? Or do you mean I'm acting weird, because if so, I'm sorry?" (question mark intentional). I kinda regretted using the word "weird" but he had used it as well when he told me that his friends weren't going. That was "weird" to him.

 

"Oh, no," I followed. "I just thought it was weird that all of your friends bailed on you at once. That's a bummer!" He went on to talk about the fact that his friends hadn't officially confirmed anything, and that he thinks they're just getting to the point where they don't want to do stuff anymore. I told him I was still up for going and to just let me know what he decided to do.

 

We go on to talk about work stuff and life stuff and then it got really heavy really quickly. He talked about being "overwhelmed on all fronts" right now, which I can understand, because he's constantly saying how much he hates his job.

 

Thing is, I kinda think he's including me in that feeling of being overwhelmed. He uses that word almost on a daily basis, and I can't help but think that I'm adding to it. I'm trying to give him his space, and maybe it was wrong of me to ask about weekend plans while he's lurking in his "snail shell" as smackie9 called it. Maybe I just need to give him more space? Very confusing, because he seemed like he was okay with getting together this weekend (unless my text guilted him into asking me), but now I'm feeling like he's set the stage to flake on me instead. Maybe the "overwhelmed on all fronts" was his polite way of saying, "I don't want to see you anymore."

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jam.over.jelly

Why do I have a feeling you're overreacting over every.single.little.thing. I do this sometimes too, but jeeze! None like this! You couldn't even look at his response because you were scared it wasn't gonna be what you wanted? That's a bit much. ANd I wouldn't just assume that him being overwhelmed has anything to do with you, unless he said so. He included you in his plans, and everything is going good with you seeing him consistently so why overthink things? You should breathe, relax, let nature take its course. I feel like sooner or later all of this anxiety will start showing through and he would sense it and it will not be good. I pray to God I'm wrong.

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Nothing about this situation seems right. It's like two dysfunctional people using each other as emotional punching bags.

I recommend moving on to a therapist's room and forget him.

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Nothing about this situation seems right. It's like two dysfunctional people using each other as emotional punching bags.

I recommend moving on to a therapist's room and forget him.

 

I agree! No offense to you LL, but I'm exhausted just reading all this.

 

 

I can't imagine actually living it!

 

 

What are you getting from this except anxiety and frustration?

 

 

Is this enjoyable to you?

 

 

Both of you are sending mixed messages.

 

 

I mean, when he asked you if you thought HE was being weird, you replied "Oh No!! I meant...."

 

 

That wasn't true, was it. He IS being weird, and if had been ME, I would have said "YES you're being weird.... what's up with that?" :):)

 

 

Something like that.

 

 

I mean why lie about it?

 

 

You are never gonna get anywhere with ANY man if you lie about your feelings and are too afraid to be up front and honest.

 

 

Like I said, in another post, STOP walking on eggshells with him! Stop being afraid to rock the boat when something is bothering you.

 

 

He is sensing it, and am guessing it's causing him to not trust you (emotionally) and reconsidering dating you.

 

 

You're being dishonest IMO.

 

 

Sorry this was somewhat harsh, but come on girl! Seriously.

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StocksnBlondes

LL you aren't any clearer about things than before this entire exchange of info and convo with him.

 

I feel like I'm in a vortex so can't imagine what you're feeling ... Do you feel dizzy from this while thing? What a bunch of drama.

 

Lucky you're single and no kids ...those of us single with kids couldn't deal with this stuff I'm sure ...it's like a war zone ... I'd personally have to bow out of the craziness but that's because I have to be emotionally present for my kids.

 

Did you press him further about his meaning of "I'll have to get back with you etc" ? Or whatever he said ...

 

I would have pressed just for some clarification as his communication tends toward the oblique or maybe fuzzy ...obfuscate ?? ...can't think of the word that best describes his communications. In any case ... you're getting more bold with him instead of tip toeing around so keep it up ...force those issues ... be assertive you will says Yoda.

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StocksnBlondes
I agree! No offense to you LL, but I'm exhausted just reading all this.

 

 

I can't imagine actually living it!

 

 

What are you getting from this except anxiety and frustration?

 

 

Is this enjoyable to you?

 

 

Both of you are sending mixed messages.

 

 

I mean, when he asked you if you thought HE was being weird, you replied "Oh No!! I meant...."

 

 

That wasn't true, was it. He IS being weird, and if had been ME, I would have said "YES you're being weird.... what's up with that?" :):)

 

 

Something like that.

 

 

I mean why lie about it?

 

 

You are never gonna get anywhere with ANY man if you lie about your feelings and are too afraid to be up front and honest.

 

 

Like I said, in another post, STOP walking on eggshells with him! Stop being afraid to rock the boat when something is bothering you.

 

 

He is sensing it, and am guessing it's causing him to not trust you (emotionally) and reconsidering dating you.

 

 

You're being dishonest IMO.

 

 

Sorry this was somewhat harsh, but come on girl! Seriously.

 

LL ...your fan club is all in agreement. We're all exhausted. Are you exhausted?

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