Dilemma

[TankNYC]

My gf, who I've been with for almost a year, recently asked an ex-hookup to be friends on FB.

 

A little background. The guy and her hooked up a few years ago. We recently ran into him at a party and the next day she asked him to be friends. Prior to that discovery, we had a conversation about their previous encounter. She says that she doesn't want nothing more than to be friends. However, when I asked her if nothing had happened between us, if she thinks she would have hooked up with him or maybe more, she replied with yes probably.

 

This obviously made me very uncomfortable and I got very upset and we started fighting. Am I wrong to feel that way and insecure? She keeps reiterating that nothing will happen. It's just facebook. But it's really bothering me. Not because they became friends, but the remark she made about what could have happened if nothing occurred between her and I.

 

Thoughts........

[TankNYC]

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

It's really hard to consider breaking things off with her. We've known each other for a long time and love one another very much. I do feel blindsided by their reconnecting. She asks me to trust her in not doing anything but that's hard when I know something could have been. I'm trying hard to get past it and not let it affect me so much, but it's not that easy.

[TaraMaiden2]

I completely disagree.

 

As a woman, I think it's more possible for a woman to detach and maintain a platonic relationship than it is for a guy.

 

You need to explore this forum as back-up, but there are countless tales of guys wanting to get to know ladies to take the relationship further, but the ladies are just looking for friendship.

Even people who have broken up, the guy looks to establishing a friendship with the ex, with the hope of getting back together, while the ex-GF is just happy to remain friends.

 

Women are much more capable of conducting a friendship with guys, than vice-versa.

 

She thought perhaps something might have happened with this guy, but then she met you.

She chose you.

She left him behind, and made it work, with you.

 

She's not beyond being his friend though, because that's all it would be.

 

Honestly, the minute a girl looks at another guy, it's potential for "legs open Imma gonna be cheating, get over it"?

 

Gimme a break.

Mostly, it's men who have the ulterior motive, not ladies.

 

I'd d say it's him you gotta watch.

Her?

I think you're safe.

[central]

You trust her - or you don't. Is there anything in your experience to indicate you should not trust her? If you don't, then move on. Policing her friends is not going to resolve this.

 

She wants to be with you, or not. If not, let her go. She can be friends with old lovers, if she has good boundaries, IMO. I have such friends. So does my wife. We also have trust, good boundaries, and good communication.

[TankNYC]

Yes, I trust her. But that situation makes me uncomfortable. If it was just her being friends with him, it wouldn't be a big deal. However, her saying that something could have been after years passed by and now suddenly she wants to be friends with him when she didn't before makes it weird.

 

Maybe it's just me and my insecurities.

[TaraMaiden2]

I actually agree with you. The guy is the one who is most likely up to no good. The problem is, the OP's GF is pretty much giving him an opening to do his thing.

Rubbish. If that's the way the guy reads it, she can just as quickly shut him off.

If there's an opening there, it would be him seeing it. Not her.

 

Yes, I trust her. But that situation makes me uncomfortable. If it was just her being friends with him, it wouldn't be a big deal. However, her saying that something could have been after years passed by and now suddenly she wants to be friends with him when she didn't before makes it weird.

Oh good grief....

If this had been a recent thing I could understand your concern.

But that was then.

This is now.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge and she's not into him that way any more.... She's moved on....

 

She recently decided to friend him on Fb because she recently ran into him again.

If she hadn't seen him, she wouldn't be 'friending' him....

 

Maybe it's just me and my insecurities.

Most likely.

Why are you so insecure after being with her for a while?

Is this a problem you should address?

Do you think you're so unworthy of her love that you fear she will cheat?

 

I think there's a topic for discussion you should communicate to your GF.

 

The foundations of any relationship are trust and communication, together with Respect.

Both for the other person and yourself.

[TankNYC]

Thank you for your feedback TaraMaiden2. I really appreciate it.

 

I feel that maybe you're misinterpreting what I meant to say. Or not.

 

When I stated that - her saying that something could have been after years passed by and now suddenly she wants to be friends with him when she didn't before makes it weird - i meant that she was stating that had she not been with be she could have possibly been with him or done something with him. She stated that previously that what happened years ago didn't matter anymore. However, for her to say that something could have been had nothing happened between us, is concerning. It just makes me feel like regardless of the time that has passed and her saying she lost interest, she obviously does because she could have seen her being with him again before anything happened between us.

[perol]

I think that many guys have self confidence issues which leads to insecurity and jealousy about their girlfriends and that can drive her away faster than anything else.

 

You expressed your concerns, she told you what she thought about that, which isn't what you wanted to hear so you "had a big fight".

 

That makes you seem really jealous and insecure.

 

Compare your actions to a guy that might say something like "I gotta tell you it's a bit odd for you to friend a guy who you would have had sex with and I'm not so crazy about you doing that". Then if she said "well it's no big deal I'm going to do it anyway.. the secure guy says "ok, if that's what you want" and DROPS it. That doesn't mean he can't keep an eye out but to pester her and fight about it is just weak and lame and like I said won't help the relationship AT ALL.

 

Of course if she's got ulterior motives, well then there are bigger issues here that need to be dealt with but you won't find out about those by fighting with her- that's the part about keeping an eye open if there's a feeling that something isn't right.

[d0nnivain]

It's not an ideal setting but I'd look at how they interact before jumping to conclusions. If all they are doing is being FB friends several years after the fact try to find a way to deal with it. If she's meeting him IRL or trading sexy messages, run.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hmm, this does not sit well with me.

 

The fact that SHE initiated friendship with this guy she hooked up with a year ago after seeing him again at some party feels disrespectful of your relationship.

 

As a woman, I would never do such a thing unless I was using FB as an excuse to keep him in the fold in case my relationship went bust. It's no secret she would have banged him again (and again) had you two not gotten together, right?

 

If he really was just a hookup with no further ties or history there is no reason to add him to her roster of friends whilst in a healthy happy relationship with you. I just don't see the point.

 

I mean, would she be fine if YOU friended a random hook-up? I highly doubt it.

 

OP you have every right to feel uncomfortable with this.

[TankNYC]

It's not an ideal setting but I'd look at how they interact before jumping to conclusions. If all they are doing is being FB friends several years after the fact try to find a way to deal with it. If she's meeting him IRL or trading sexy messages, run.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I am definitely not trying to jump to conclusions. I must add that at this party, at which I was present, the guy waited for me to step away and out of sight to approach her and speak with her. Just seemed a little shady.

[TankNYC]

Hmm, this does not sit well with me.

 

The fact that SHE initiated friendship with this guy she hooked up with a year ago after seeing him again at some party feels disrespectful of your relationship.

 

As a woman, I would never do such a thing unless I was using FB as an excuse to keep him in the fold in case my relationship went bust. It's no secret she would have banged him again (and again) had you two not gotten together, right?

 

If he really was just a hookup with no further ties or history there is no reason to add him to her roster of friends whilst in a healthy happy relationship with you. I just don't see the point.

 

I mean, would she be fine if YOU friended a random hook-up? I highly doubt it.

 

OP you have every right to feel uncomfortable with this.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

That's what bothers me the most. As I mentioned before, if it was just being friends, even with the past they had, I wouldn't mind so much. I would still be cautious, but I wouldn't let it get to me as bad. However, the fact that she said it would have been possible something would have happened had we not been together, that's what makes me very uncomfortable. That to me just means that whatever it was, whatever connection they had, it's not all gone.

[TankNYC]

My gf and I spoke about it last night and she remains adamant that she wants to be his friend. She stated that unfriending him now will make her look stupid to all their mutual friends. She would rather delete facebook then do that. She also said that I should be ok with it so that we can be ok.

 

I told her that it upset me to hear that. She's more concerned with what her friends will think or say then how i feel about it. I decided to remove myself from facebook so that i don't have to deal with it.

Edited October 8, 2015 by TankNYC

[Michelle ma Belle]

My gf and I spoke about it last night and she remains adamant that she wants to be his friend. She stated that unfriending him now will make her look stupid to all their mutual friends. She would rather delete facebook then do that. She also said that I should be ok with it so that we can be ok.

 

I told her that it upset me to hear that. She's more concerned with what her friends will think or say then how i feel about it. I decided to remove myself from facebook so that i don't have to deal with it.

 

I think the part I put in bold speaks volumes.

 

I'm sorry OP but you removing yourself from FB thinking that will be the best way to deal with this situation doesn't exactly solve anything in my humble opinion and is very naive.

 

Go back to her and tell her that YOU just ran into someone you banged before you got together with her and want to know if she's got a problem with you adding her to your social media accounts

 

BTW, how old are you guys?

[TankNYC]

I think the part I put in bold speaks volumes.

 

I'm sorry OP but you removing yourself from FB thinking that will be the best way to deal with this situation doesn't exactly solve anything in my humble opinion and is very naive.

 

Go back to her and tell her that YOU just ran into someone you banged before you got together with her and want to know if she's got a problem with you adding her to your social media accounts

 

BTW, how old are you guys?

 

Thanks for the feedback. We're both in our late 20's. When i asked her what she would think if the roles were reversed, she said that she wouldn't think it's a big deal. I really don't know what to think anymore. No matter how much I express how uncomfortable I am with it, her approach doesn't change.

[Oregon_Dude]

Well, you can either get over it, or you can break up with her.

 

Those are your choices.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks for the feedback. We're both in our late 20's. When i asked her what she would think if the roles were reversed, she said that she wouldn't think it's a big deal. I really don't know what to think anymore. No matter how much I express how uncomfortable I am with it, her approach doesn't change.

 

Well that is very disappointing.

 

I'm not sure what else to add here except to say that if you love her and trust her then I guess your can try and put it aside for now and wait for her to hang herself. And I'm willing to bet she will.

 

Personally, I don't like it and think she's being very immature and disrespectful all around. If that's the kind of woman you want to be with then good luck.

 

Just don't be surprised if/when she breaks your heart.

 

[Oregon_Dude]

Some women, even when securely in a relationship, cannot help but to want and love attention from as many men as possible. They simply love it and can't get enough.

 

Your GF sounds like one of these. My ex was one of these. They can be hard to please, because simply YOUR attention just isn't good enough. They have to be desired by EVERYONE.

 

Because she doesn't care enough to respect your wishes, this has a less than optimal outcome. She doesn't really seem to respect you in general.

 

If this is a dealbreaker for you, make it known. If she won't bend on it, you guys will not work out.

[PaperCrane]

I don't quite enjoy that situation at all.

 

So what if her friends "think she's stupid"? It's her facebook and she can use it how she pleases, and that's what she's doing right now. She doesn't care what you think about it and she planted her foot firmly when she said "so we can be okay."

 

She has laid it out clear, either you accept this man entering into her life or you will have problems.

 

I would not be okay with that, personally, especially because there were romantic threads between them. What is so important about them being friends after all this time that she couldn't have tried to bring back to life in the time in between?

 

Methinks she saw him, something reignited and she is going to feel that out while keeping you right there and safe until she makes up her mind.

 

Edit:

 

The ****ty part about this? The more you make it an issue the more chance she'll go swinging to someone else. I've seen this so often over the past couple years with people I know I swear I could make money off of listening to them.

Edited October 8, 2015 by PaperCrane