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I got really anxious and went "crazy" not he isn't responding to my texts


nauticalpoem

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nauticalpoem

I started seeing this guy about two months ago at a grain elevator I work at. Before that he liked me, but it took him a while to work up the nerve to ask me out. We live a couple hours apart so it was a couple weeks before we could go on an official date. He took me out, bought me dinner and drinks and then we spent all night on a long backroad drive together. We live a couple hours apart and it's the busy time of year for farming, but we made time to Facetime most nights and at least have a short text convo everyday.

 

We went to a rodeo together and had a good time afterward at a dance. He introduced me to his best friend and invited me to stay with them at their friend's house. The next day he started potato harvest which has been extremely busy for him. Usually they work 19-ish hours/day but theres been time he's worked for over 40hours straight. So his texting slowed alot, but every few days he would send me a short text just to sat hi.

 

I am not usually clingy but I do have a lot of relationship anxiety so I ask for reassurance. When he got busy and his texting slowed I asked him "be honest, are you just too exhausted to talk or are you no longer interested?" and he very bluntly said "I'm just exhausted and busy".

 

We periodically talked a bit over the next week, but I sent him a "hey what's up?" text one night that he didn't respond to. I assumed he just got off work early and was asleep by the time I sent it. The next day I jokingly said "hey want to skip work tomorrow and come to ___ with me? :)" and "I'm kinda starting to miss you... :(" to which he also didn't respond to.

 

This trigger my dating anxiety and I had one of my "crazy episodes" as I call them. I called him and he didn't answer.

 

I sent a text that said "Can you please call me? I'm not going to be a bitch I just need to chat for a few mins :)"

 

and "It'd be alot better than you ignoring me"

 

to which he responded "What's up sorry I can't call you?" I got really needy and told him that I needed reassurance that he wanted to date me or for him to tell me that he wasn't interested

 

... and then another text that said "My life would be alot easier if you just talked to me."

 

The next day realized how irrational and "crazy" I sounded so I sent an apology text that said "Oh my gosh. I am so embarrassed. It was a rough night. I know you're busy and hope harvest is going well."

 

No response.

 

The next day I sent a text tellling him that I would be visiting a town beside where he lives (we live a couple hours apart) and asked if I could come see him at work if he wasn't too busy.

 

And another text that said, "I just want to stay friendly."

 

Again, no response.

 

I've sent him a couple snapchats of things I would normally snapchat him. I guess I am kind of trying to act normal.

I am hoping that after harvest is over in a couple weeks he might be interested in talking again. It's so surprising to me that he wouldn't respond. I think his ex was really needy and mean to him so I assume he probably felt like I was starting to act like that. Before harvest things were going so well that is seems like alot to just let go.

 

In a few weeks do you think I should reach out and see if he's interested in talking again?

 

Does anyone have any suggestions about saving my relationship with this boy... :(

 

NOTE: I have been in therapy for the past year and dealt mostly with how much I struggle with relationship insecurity. With the exception of a couple times (including this) I have been able to control my actions when I am thinking irrationally. I just decided to move back to my hometown and am in a transition where I don't know anyone and am struggling to find a job (AKA I had way to much time to sit around and let relationship anxiety build). I am starting a new job next week so thinks are looking up. I am also already looking to get back into therapy.

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mattelipstick

I would not text him, snapchat him, or reach out at all anymore. You already know that your behavior ventured into Crazytown, so I won't beat you up about that -- but I will say that the more you try to "fix" it by contacting him, the more you will push him away. When you feel like you've screwed up, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all.

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Grumpybutfun

As a man, I will advise that you do not contact him at all. He probably thinks you are a lost cause. Men do not react well to being on the receiving end of a breakdown over emotional problems. I am glad you got help but if this is a sign of what you are like when relating, you still have work to do. When men say I'm busy and you know they are in the busiest time of their harvest season, you might want to give them space. Get back in therapy because you need to figure out why you did this and let this go because the bridge has been burned. If, in the future, he contacts you...then you can pursue him in turn.

Good luck,

Grumps

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nauticalpoem
As a man, I will advise that you do not contact him at all. He probably thinks you are a lost cause. Men do not react well to being on the receiving end of a breakdown over emotional problems. I am glad you got help but if this is a sign of what you are like when relating, you still have work to do. When men say I'm busy and you know they are in the busiest time of their harvest season, you might want to give them space. Get back in therapy because you need to figure out why you did this and let this go because the bridge has been burned. If, in the future, he contacts you...then you can pursue him in turn.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks.

You don't think there's any use explaining to him that I was going through a really hard time. In a couple weeks I will be starting work and moving into my own place. It'll be SO much better then. It just really sucks that we started dating when I wasn't at my emotionally strongest place.

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Hang in there, congrats on getting into therapy and acknowledging you have insecurity issues. Don't contact him, if he's interested, he'll be in touch. Next person you meet, utilize the tools you've learned in therapy. Learn from this situation, and identify behaviors and patterns that cause you to "slip" into these episodes.

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Grumpybutfun
Thanks.

You don't think there's any use explaining to him that I was going through a really hard time. In a couple weeks I will be starting work and moving into my own place. It'll be SO much better then. It just really sucks that we started dating when I wasn't at my emotionally strongest place.

 

Think of it this way...you have texted him and texted him and he hasn't returned any of them. He has moved on...your explanations will just sound like excuses when his mind is made up. He will just hear the droning of you furthering your agenda to relate to him with negativity. I know that is not how you will intend it, but men are fairly simple in respect to communication and when we check out...nothing said can get through to grey matter until we stop seeing the other person as someone who is not negative and pushy. I wish I had better news and advice, but sometimes the opportunities presented have to be handled with care in life. We have to be ready for them emotionally and mentally. We have to accept that when we aren't kind, patient and calm we may remove that opportunity from our lives.

Be prepared for the next one and enjoy your new life. Do not contact him. Find new friends and get settled into your new life. The distance between you two would have made a close relationship difficult anyway so try to find friends and opportunities closer to you.

Best,

Grumps

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Stage5Clinger

I may be alone here in telling you I don't think you acted crazy or irrational at all. He's ignoring you so you should be concerned that he's no longer interested. It sounds like maybe he isn't. The only thing is no text message is going to change that. I think we all realize that deep down inside when we act this way and feel ashamed which in turn makes you feel like you did something wrong. Sent the wrong text, said the wrong thing, acted the wrong way, but nah they just lost interest and don't have the balls to say a word. Instead they say nothing and make you go crazy second guessing everything you've ever done. I suggest very simply that you move on. Send him any text you want but he's now your ex starting today.

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Nautical:

 

 

I would not reach out to him at all or try to explain. I would continue your therapy and build yourself up so you don't need to be reassured by someone you've dated for only a few months. I hope this doesn't sound to harsh but you gave away your power by continually pleading to see him or talk to him, there is nothing appealing about that.

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nauticalpoem

Thanks everyone...

 

I'm relating to what Stage5Clinger said. He really think maybe he wasn't interested before. Honestly, what made me freak out is that I noticed he was talking to someone else on Snapchat (I know, **** social media for making me think this). He was busy, but if he really cared he would have talked to me during harvest more than he did.

 

If was interested, he would/will get in contact.

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ExpatInItaly
Thanks.

You don't think there's any use explaining to him that I was going through a really hard time. In a couple weeks I will be starting work and moving into my own place. It'll be SO much better then. It just really sucks that we started dating when I wasn't at my emotionally strongest place.

 

Good heavens, no.

 

I think this one is done. He hasn't responded to your multiple attempts to contact him. You need to read that silence; he's no longer interested.

 

It's good that you've gotten some help. Are you still in therapy? If so, I would explain to your therapist what happened here and how you responded to his distance. You will be able to get some better coping strategies in place.

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Wow. I didn't realize how much I had messed up until I read these comments. :(

 

Don't take it too hard. Men are finicky at the best of times, they're like startled deer, one whiff of the wrong scent and they flee. To be honest I don't know why a lot of women bother....:laugh:

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I'm a woman & I agree with all the guys who explained that this is a lost cause. If you contact this man again, even to try to "fix" this you may find yourself on the wrong end of a harassment complaint.

 

 

Walk away. Do not look back.

 

 

Going forward, believe somebody when they tell you they are busy especially when you know it's their busiest work time. More over give yourself mental limits . . . you can reach out to somebody twice but if they don't respond you cannot reach out a 3rd time.

 

 

Anything more than twice makes you look like a crazy stalker.

 

 

Sadly at this point, this guy believes based on what he has experienced that you are psycho. He doesn't care that you are getting help or that this was an aberration. From where he sits this was an extremely unpleasant experience with a woman that doesn't seem to care how honest he is or that he genuinely had to work. No amount of talking can erase his negative opinion of you. So don't even try because all you will do is make it worse.

 

 

Work with your therapist to own your mistake and vow to never make it again. Perhaps going forward you can avoid being "friends" with anybody you are just starting to date for the 1st month. If you didn't know he snap chatted another woman you would not have gone off the deep end.

 

 

At this point, especially since you met him at work, you need to be more worried that he's going to tell your boss how irrationally you have been behaving so much so that your boss considers whether s/he wants you as an employee. You have a lot more to lose here then a date.

 

 

With help from your therapist I am confident that you can overcome this and not have a repeat of this in the future. You need to work on your self esteem & your self confidence. Together they would have told you to believe the guy that he was busy & to know that you were worth him sticking around. For now when you are tempted to call / text / snapchat a non-responsive person, listen to your better angels and do exactly the opposite of what you think the best thing to do is.

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Celeste.Carol

Please do not fret. Who cares what this guy thinks of you now!!! He knew what he was doing by ignoring your texts. If he really cared about you, he would have never let it go that far.

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JasmineJones
Thanks.

You don't think there's any use explaining to him that I was going through a really hard time. In a couple weeks I will be starting work and moving into my own place. It'll be SO much better then. It just really sucks that we started dating when I wasn't at my emotionally strongest place.

 

Did your therapist give you a diagnosis at all? This sounds rather like BPD.

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mystikmind2005
Don't take it too hard. Men are finicky at the best of times, they're like startled deer, one whiff of the wrong scent and they flee. To be honest I don't know why a lot of women bother....:laugh:

 

Is that an 'opposite universe' joke? it must be.

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Is that an 'opposite universe' joke? it must be.

 

No, entirely serious actually. Men are difficult to deal with even without the mental health challenges the OP has. I've always found them to be unreasonably sensitive and looking for any excuse to bolt. I got tired of playing 'perfect girlfriend' and just wanted my life back if I'm being really honest.

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mystikmind2005
No, entirely serious actually. Men are difficult to deal with even without the mental health challenges the OP has. I've always found them to be unreasonably sensitive and looking for any excuse to bolt. I got tired of playing 'perfect girlfriend' and just wanted my life back if I'm being really honest.

 

errrr, i think those guys are called 'players'.

 

Women a far, far, far worse.... if one of your socks is 1mm lower than the other, that's a reason to bolt!

 

Women have to be more finicky than men, because it is the undeniable reality that women have to contend with all the hordes of men looking for sex. So women are the choosers, that's just the way it is.

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nauticalpoem
errrr, i think those guys are called 'players'.

 

Women a far, far, far worse.... if one of your socks is 1mm lower than the other, that's a reason to bolt!

 

Women have to be more finicky than men, because it is the undeniable reality that women have to contend with all the hordes of men looking for sex. So women are the choosers, that's just the way it is.

 

No me! This guy's shoe's are literally falling apart (like toes on the ground) and rarely is he not covered in dirt and grease. :laugh: I really enjoyed him, but it kinda feels like if I can't even get this guy to stick around ... I'm hopeless. Haha.

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nauticalpoem
Did your therapist give you a diagnosis at all? This sounds rather like BPD.

 

No. I've never been diagnosed. A general doctor put me on antidepressants (Welbutrin) five years ago. I still take that but have never been treated for anything else.

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I really enjoyed him, but it kinda feels like if I can't even get this guy to stick around ... I'm hopeless. Haha.

 

 

He would have stuck around until your behavior caused him to want to bolt. He had to work but you couldn't accept that. Until you started pestering him, I suspect he was looking forward to a long sleep then a nice date with you.

 

 

Do you understand the cause and effect here? If it's not clear, please discuss it with your therapist.

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This trigger my dating anxiety and I had one of my "crazy episodes" as I call them. I called him and he didn't answer.

 

I sent a text that said "Can you please call me? I'm not going to be a bitch I just need to chat for a few mins :)"

 

and "It'd be alot better than you ignoring me"

 

to which he responded "What's up sorry I can't call you?" I got really needy and told him that I needed reassurance that he wanted to date me or for him to tell me that he wasn't interested

 

... and then another text that said "My life would be alot easier if you just talked to me."

 

The next day realized how irrational and "crazy" I sounded so I sent an apology text that said "Oh my gosh. I am so embarrassed. It was a rough night. I know you're busy and hope harvest is going well."

 

No response.

 

The next day I sent a text tellling him that I would be visiting a town beside where he lives (we live a couple hours apart) and asked if I could come see him at work if he wasn't too busy.

 

And another text that said, "I just want to stay friendly."

 

Again, no response.

 

I've sent him a couple snapchats of things I would normally snapchat him. up.

 

My Lord! If someone says you behaved perfectly in doing this then they are misguided themself.

 

Do you see what you are doing here? You are persistantly becoming more annoying by text and then texting and then texting when the real response is he doesnt want to speak to you.

 

I ve done this just once with a girl I dated in my early twenties. She kept on hounding me with texts and then phone calls and then emails.

 

Theres NOTHING more powerful than the SOUND OF SILENCE.

 

How can you fix this? Well yoou cant. He is a SECURE personnality type while you are ANXIOUS type. This is what happens with these two types.

 

Now to fix this. Do NOTHING. Let him come back to you. If he cared enough he`d ask why you went silent and than can happen ONLY if you refrain the need to start text, and text, and then more texting.

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