Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 So, I met this guy online. He's 27, I'm 26. He seems shy at times. He's pretty good at texting me regularly, and he usually texts me first, but I've set up most of the times we've hung out. He's always open to it, and always pays. I asked him in the beginning what he was looking for, and he said a relationship if he finds the right person. I agreed. We've also talked about sex, he's had a few casual relationships, I've told him I've mostly had sex in serious relationships. We've been out about 5 times over 3 weeks, and I've been back to his place 3 times. The first time, as I was leaving, we made out. The second time I was at his place, it was getting late, and he didn't try anything. We had a good 4 hour long conversation that night. The other night I was at his place. We watched a movie on the couch, no cuddling. After the movie, he laid next to me. I had to make it clear (verbally) that I wanted to make out. Things got hot and heavy, I reached for his pants, and he asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom. I said sure. We went in, I got naked, and he ate me out. He said he would be right back, went into the bathroom, and basically brushed his teeth. I thought maybe he was getting a condom. He came back and asked if I was satisfied. I said yeah, but he wasn't. He said "oh, that would take a while." And then basically said maybe if we had started earlier, as it was getting late. I had work early the next morning so I just said okay and left. He texted me the next day; I asked what was up last night. Basically, he said it didn't feel like the right time, and mentioned that I said all my sexual partners have been relationships. I asked what his intentions were, and he answered that in a joking way. He later mentioned that I didn't tell him my intentions, and I joked back with him, as I didn't want to expose myself if he wasn't exposing how he felt. He's texted me first again today, but no real mention of hanging out/no concrete plans as of now to see each other again. Help a girl out? I'm pretty lost. Should I just come out and tell him I'm interested and wanted to know how he feels? What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
cookiemonster26 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 So, I met this guy online. He's 27, I'm 26. He seems shy at times. He's pretty good at texting me regularly, and he usually texts me first, but I've set up most of the times we've hung out. He's always open to it, and always pays. I asked him in the beginning what he was looking for, and he said a relationship if he finds the right person. I agreed. We've also talked about sex, he's had a few casual relationships, I've told him I've mostly had sex in serious relationships. We've been out about 5 times over 3 weeks, and I've been back to his place 3 times. The first time, as I was leaving, we made out. The second time I was at his place, it was getting late, and he didn't try anything. We had a good 4 hour long conversation that night. The other night I was at his place. We watched a movie on the couch, no cuddling. After the movie, he laid next to me. I had to make it clear (verbally) that I wanted to make out. Things got hot and heavy, I reached for his pants, and he asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom. I said sure. We went in, I got naked, and he ate me out. He said he would be right back, went into the bathroom, and basically brushed his teeth. I thought maybe he was getting a condom. He came back and asked if I was satisfied. I said yeah, but he wasn't. He said "oh, that would take a while." And then basically said maybe if we had started earlier, as it was getting late. I had work early the next morning so I just said okay and left. He texted me the next day; I asked what was up last night. Basically, he said it didn't feel like the right time, and mentioned that I said all my sexual partners have been relationships. I asked what his intentions were, and he answered that in a joking way. He later mentioned that I didn't tell him my intentions, and I joked back with him, as I didn't want to expose myself if he wasn't exposing how he felt. He's texted me first again today, but no real mention of hanging out/no concrete plans as of now to see each other again. Help a girl out? I'm pretty lost. Should I just come out and tell him I'm interested and wanted to know how he feels? What should I do? Ya tell him how you feel and just be honest and ask where you think this is going 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 sounds like you're playing the part of the man anyway, so might as well confess how you feel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 sounds like you're playing the part of the man anyway, so might as well confess how you feel Can you explain this? I'm playing the part of the man? Is it because I've set up the last two dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 You and him are not in a relationship You tell him you have sex when in official relationships but you initiate sex with him even if you are not in an official relationship. The guy is confused, you say one thing and do another. When he got in the bedroom he started wondering if he had sex with you did that mean he then would be in an official relationship with you, so he preferred to abstain. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 That's weird....I wonder if he did but felt you smelled unusual and decided to stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Can you explain this? I'm playing the part of the man? Is it because I've set up the last two dates? you said you were setting up your meetings and hang-outs, and you seem to be initiating all of the sexual touching and making out and talks. if you set the dynamic like that from the start, which you have, you can't expect that he'll now take charge. you have to allow him the opportunity to actually be a guy - see what he's capable of without steering him. you can see how when he's left to set up a date... he didn't. you've been doing the man-work 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 You and him are not in a relationship You tell him you have sex when in official relationships but you initiate sex with him even if you are not in an official relationship. The guy is confused, you say one thing and do another. When he got in the bedroom he started wondering if he had sex with you did that mean he then would be in an official relationship with you, so he preferred to abstain. Hmmm I did not initiate sex. He asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I could absolutely understand his confusion, and in a perfect world he would have communicated that to me. However, I am trying to go off of what he has said since to decide my next course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Hmmm I did not initiate sex. He asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I could absolutely understand his confusion, and in a perfect world he would have communicated that to me. However, I am trying to go off of what he has said since to decide my next course of action. You're right, he did initiate but you just had said you have sex within a relationship so why agree to follow him in the bedroom? He said he doesn't think it's the right time for sex because he's not wanting to be in an official relationship with you. To me it's clear like water. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I agree with Gaeta, my guess would be that he thinks that you only have sex with people that you're in relationships with and so feels like having sex with you is a lot of pressure. Ie by having sex with you that means he has to decide one way or another what he wants, and perhaps he's not sure yet. Are you willing to have sex with him now even though you're not in a relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Hmmm I did not initiate sex. He asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom. I could absolutely understand his confusion, and in a perfect world he would have communicated that to me. However, I am trying to go off of what he has said since to decide my next course of action. You asked him to make out and then reached for his pants. Sounds like initiating to me This guy is lukewarm at best and you are forcing it. If you are happy being with someone that is not that interested, proceed with setting up another date. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 I agree with Gaeta, my guess would be that he thinks that you only have sex with people that you're in relationships with and so feels like having sex with you is a lot of pressure. Ie by having sex with you that means he has to decide one way or another what he wants, and perhaps he's not sure yet. Are you willing to have sex with him now even though you're not in a relationship? I certainly never meant to give him that impression, but I understand why he would have it. We were merely talking about experiences in the conversation regarding our previous sex partners. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable going all the way without being at least exclusive. A relationship wouldn't be required at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I'm not sure I would feel comfortable going all the way without being at least exclusive. A relationship wouldn't be required at this point. You say this but you were ready to go all the way with him that night without exclusivity. He's a smart man. He knows many women get emotionally involved after sex. He knew having sex with you would have been misleading you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 You say this but you were ready to go all the way with him that night without exclusivity. He's a smart man. He knows many women get emotionally involved after sex. He knew having sex with you would have been misleading you. Okay, I understand. So what would you recommend I do at this point? He is initiating contact still. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Okay, I understand. So what would you recommend I do at this point? He is initiating contact still. Sit back and give him the reins now. Let him demonstrate what his intentions are now. It's ok that you initiated some but you need to keep it balanced by allowing him the opportunity to ask you. Be patient. He may be a little confused now too. If he doesn't arrange a date soon, you can say "hey, the last time we were together, I think we had some crossed signals but I've enjoyed the time we've spent so far". That will clear the air a little and hopefully, pave the way for him to move forward. When/if intimacy comes up or you get to that point, make sure exclusivity is discussed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 OP, why are you claiming you only have sex in relationships? That's clearly not the case is it? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GooseChaser Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 From what you've written I suspect it's going in a casual direction, buuut I don't have enough information to tell. So you've gone on five dates with him. Setting up meetings is mostly driven by yourself. And it's still unclear where it's going. It doesn't sound good to me, sorry. Try to answer these for yourself: when you're with him, do you feel like you're really getting to know each other, that he has a real interest in knowing you in a "serious" way, or are you talking mostly about fun things, hobbies, or interests? When you go somewhere that is not his place, does it often allow for good conversation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) OP, why are you claiming you only have sex in relationships? That's clearly not the case is it? Wow, I'm getting a lot of judgement, and a lot of purposeful misconstruing of my words. Did I say "only"? Nope, I believe I said "mostly". We talked about past experiences. I told him that my past experiences had mostly involved sex in serious relationships. I in no way told him that I would only have sex in a relationship. Edited October 7, 2015 by Awillaway Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 You're right, he did initiate but you just had said you have sex within a relationship so why agree to follow him in the bedroom? He said he doesn't think it's the right time for sex because he's not wanting to be in an official relationship with you. To me it's clear like water. I though oral sex was still sex..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vintage79 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 That's weird....I wonder if he did but felt you smelled unusual and decided to stop. You don't eat someone out and then pass on sex because it smells a bit funny...you get down there and pass on the buffet the first time around... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Hard to say for sure, but I agree that it sounds like he isn't overly interested and didn't want you to assume it was something more than casual if you had sex. If you like him and want to know if he's interested, I'd stop initiating dates and let him take the lead (or not). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GooseChaser Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Oh, I forgot to mention that casual guys absolutely can say something like that they're "looking for a relationship with the right person." When they say that it doesn't always mean they're looking for one with the person they say it to, however. It's not a complete lie but can be deceptive if they know they aren't interested in the person that way. It's sorta sneaky. So say he is a serious candidate. I would think about, in that case, if I was happy with what he was offering. If you want to continue, you might want to communicate to him that you would like it if he initiated more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 So, I met this guy online. He's 27, I'm 26. He seems shy at times. He's pretty good at texting me regularly, and he usually texts me first, but I've set up most of the times we've hung out. He's always open to it, and always pays. I asked him in the beginning what he was looking for, and he said a relationship if he finds the right person. I agreed. We've also talked about sex, he's had a few casual relationships, I've told him I've mostly had sex in serious relationships. Your last words here you font have sex unless it's serious. You wanted to have sex with him He interpreted sex= serious relationship He didn't want that now Thus no sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awillaway Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Oh, I forgot to mention that casual guys absolutely can say something like that they're "looking for a relationship with the right person." When they say that it doesn't always mean they're looking for one with the person they say it to, however. It's not a complete lie but can be deceptive if they know they aren't interested in the person that way. It's sorta sneaky. So say he is a serious candidate. I would think about, in that case, if I was happy with what he was offering. If you want to continue, you might want to communicate to him that you would like it if he initiated more. I agree with what you're saying. He said that in the beginning, and I know that was no indication of whether he wanted to actually have a relationship with ME. After I left the other night (following the incident), I told him I had a good time. He said "Good! It was hard to tell". I said really? And he said yes, but I tend to overthink things. I got the vibe he was shy/insecure at times, hence me coming here to ask for advice. Link to post Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 sounds like you're playing the part of the man anyway, so might as well confess how you feel You're over functioning in the relationship ...guys do the pursuing and making of plans during the initial stages of courting /dating. You can invite him to dinner at your house as a thank you for taking you out. He's not manning up in the relationship ...is this the kind of guy you want? He kinda sounds like he's just looking to hang out IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts