JasmineJones Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 How does one measure that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StocksnBlondes Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Maybe rephrase that a bit "marry a guy who's crazy about you and believe me it shows ...and a guy who's pursued you" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. Generalizing from anecdata. Link to post Share on other sites
Terry8889 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I agree with your mom, I hope to find that special guy one day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. My mom said the same thing...but I can't relate. I mean, you are either "in love" with your partner or you're not. In my mom's case, turned out she was not in love with my dad. She grew to love him on some level, but married him because he was studying to be a lawyer, thought he'd be a great provider and father, which he was... they were married for 20 years. This concept of one partner "loving more than the other" makes no sense to me. What makes sense is both being "in love" with each other, but one partner might be more demonstrative in how he/she *expresses* their love. Is that what she meant? Marry a man who expresses his love more than you? Is more demonstratively caring than you? More giving than you? Because IMO love is not something to be measured. How you express that love can be, but not the love itself. Again, you are either in love with your partner, or you're not. I presume your mom is *in love* with your dad? If so, you're lucky. My mom wasn't and their marriage was horrible. He was a great dad though, may he RIP.... Edited October 5, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. I'm sure it's a valid point from her point of view. I wouldn't call it gospel though and I wouldn't be too keen shacking up for life with someone I wasn't 100% jazzed about. You have to remember that your mother was from a different generation with different attitudes towards married life. That kind of advice is probably quite good where divorce isn't an option as you're ensuring some kind of loyalty to the relationship for yourself and I suppose that feels secure. I however, wouldn't personally follow it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 How do you know he loves her more? Link to post Share on other sites
Celeste.Carol Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 The wisdom of mothers. Funny, mine said to always marry a rich guy because you can always have problems and while they are all bad rich or poor, it is easier to be rich and have problems, but make sure the rich guy is homely, because a rich and gorgeous guy will cheat, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 The wisdom of mothers. Funny, mine said to always marry a rich guy because you can always have problems and while they are all bad rich or poor, it is easier to be rich and have problems, but make sure the rich guy is homely, because a rich and gorgeous guy will cheat, etc. LOL. There's an old song that makes this point EXACTLY - except it's geared towards men. "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So for my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you...." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Where men are either fine with that dynamic or oblivious, I think your mother is wise. The person who cares the least has the most power and control. From the standpoint of emotional and physical safety, a man who loves and cares more is a safer bet and safety and security are relevant aspects to consider in a legal partnership. Men can be beasts. That shared, I couldn't abide such a dynamic so moved on from marriage. I wasn't 'fine' with it. Hopefully my exW found someone who was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. How do you know she loves him less? I imagine that would not make him feel very good. Hopefully he is unawares. If i thought someone was with me for this reason i would not want to stay in that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 My mom always told me the same thing too. My parents have been married 50 years. My father adored mom, still does, and my mom of course loves my dad but she always had this attitude that if he leaves she would be just fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Is there any truth at all to this? She herself married a man who loves her more than she loves him. They've been together 29 years now. In every relationship or even marriage...there's always ONE person that loves someone much more than the other. Usually it has been the man (as they are the pursuers and tend to be the ones more enthusiastic about meeting women than it being the other way around.) I know, sounds bad, but apparently some of these marriages have lasted for a while. but she always had this attitude that if he leaves she would be just fine. Yep, go figure, right? It's like she loved him only because HE loved her first...or something like that. Hard to describe. It's kind of like "Wow, this guy is REALLY REALLY INTO me, I mean, he's been doing all these nice things for me and doing what he can to woo me...so..it would just make sense to marry him!" Now, when this happens, there's no real impact on the other party. They aren't "moved" nor rarely flattered. It seems that flattery got a man somewhere in previous generations. Now there's a new dynamic. Edited October 5, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Just don't marry a man who loves you less than you love him. Ideally, both feel they couldn't possibly love more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 My mom always told me the same thing too. My parents have been married 50 years. My father adored mom, still does, and my mom of course loves my dad but she always had this attitude that if he leaves she would be just fine. that's exactly where my mother is at Link to post Share on other sites
JGirl83 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I think that normally one person loves the other but in my experince it can flip. If i look back at my longest relationship there were times when i was the person who loved more and other times ( the same relationshop) it was him. I dont think i could marry a guy who im not crazy about at least at times. But the advice makes sense of course from a practical point of view..the one who loves less will be hurt less.. Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Terrible attitude to have if you ask me. I've also never heard anyone say such a thing. Why can't two people just love one another equally? Not sure I'd want to be the guy in that sort of relationship. To me it does stink a little of this new age empowerment that some women seem to have that view men as disposable. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Terrible attitude to have if you ask me. I've also never heard anyone say such a thing. Why can't two people just love one another equally? Not sure I'd want to be the guy in that sort of relationship. To me it does stink a little of this new age empowerment that some women seem to have that view men as disposable. I completely agree. I couldn't imagine not giving a damn if my husband walks out of my life or not. I want to love him as much as he loves me or I would feel I had settled or was using him in some way. Just not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Marriage should not be a power struggle of who cares more and who cares less. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Marriage should not be a power struggle of who cares more and who cares less. Amen to that .... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Marriage should not be a power struggle of who cares more and who cares less. It should not BUT... In relationships there is always one that loves more than the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 It should not BUT... In relationships there is always one that loves more than the other. That's not true Gaeta, not *always* .... it certainly is not true in mine. It was true in my two previous relationships, with them caring more, which is why I broke those relationships off, because there was an imbalance, which IMO is NOT healthy. In my current, we love equally, and care equally. He has my back and I have his. I care about his well being, health and safety, just as much as he cares about mine. If I didn't, I would not be marrying him! That said, we both would be okay if the relationship ended (god forbid). Not because we don't care, or care less than the other, but because we are both strong, independent people. To each his own but I don't think the type of imbalance being discussed in this thread is particularly healthy, nor does it make for a mutually-rewarding, loving, caring committed relationship....IMO. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 It's good advice. He who loves less has less to loose. That said, usually when a person is "in love", they are in all the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Ideally, both feel they couldn't possibly love more. I agree with this. But I also agree with the old mothers' wisdom to marry a man who loves you a little more. I think it's very rare that it's 100% balanced. One person will almost always be a little more enamored and accommodating. I've been much happier and more secure in relationships when it's the man. Link to post Share on other sites
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