Based on these messages is it over?

[LoveLady]

I have been dating a guy for 3 months. He's 32 and has been a breathe of fresh air from the Peter Pan's (the guys who continue to act like frat boys even though they're in their mid 30s) I have recently dated. So this guy has been doing everything right, treats me so sweet, wants to hang out all the time, takes me to even lunches that cost about $100 even though I'm low maintenance and when I offer to pay (and mean it) he won't let me. When I would stay the weekend with him and go to leave on Sunday he would still want me to stay, even offering to buy me new clothes for work the next day. And when I stayed we didn't even have sex so it wasn't for that. He carries my bags/purse for me in public even though i never ask and tell him its ok (bc people are staring at him haha) but he's just the best guy. I like him a lot.

 

So a few weeks ago he started having work problems to the point where he said he's afraid he might lose his job. He's one of 2 manager's and their was a communication issue that ended up blowing up pretty big (that's all the detail he would tell me) so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. When I would text him he would text back within 30 seconds just saying he's in a bad mood bc of work. So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. He's pretty honest with me so I just figured he was thinking about the answer. The answer then came and said it has nothing to do with me that when he gets stressed he hides in his room and shuts out the outside world until the problem is solved. My guy friends/coworkers said that sounds about right so I didn't panic lol

 

He planned a trip home 3,000 miles away (we are both far from our friends and fam) to get away some & de-stress. So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. You're a sweetheart and have been nothing but good to me. I'm just so miserable right now and I don't want to drag you down with me. And no def not looking to meet anyone else. I'm just going to go home to get away from everything for awhile."

 

I then say "I mean...usually if you don't know, its a no. You were all about me in the beginning and maybe you just realized you don't like me enough to keep going and if so, its fine. That's the point of dating. U have seemed closed off lately and I'm not sure if it is bc of work or bc you don't like me (I laughed) but it's all good."

 

He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself."

 

I said "Well..I didn't feel like you were a robot in the beginning so there is hope for you."

 

He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else"

 

I was thinking that that was the end. "Yea, I agree. Well I hope you have a nice time at home and I'll miss u & the fun times we had...but yea, I want & deserve someonI have been dating a guy for 3 months. He's 32 and has been a breathe of fresh air from the Peter Pan's (the guys who continue to act like frat boys even though they're in their mid 30s) I have recently dated. So this guy has been doing everything right, treats me so sweet, wants to hang out all the time, takes me to even lunches that cost about $100 even though I'm low maintenance and when I offer to pay (and mean it) he won't let me. When I would stay the weekend with him and go to leave on Sunday he would still want me to stay, even offering to buy me new clothes for work the next day. And when I stayed we didn't even have sex so it wasn't for that. He carries my bags/purse for me in public even though i never ask and tell him its ok (bc people are staring at him haha) but he's just the best guy. I like him a lot.

 

So a few weeks ago he started having work problems to the point where he said he's afraid he might lose his job. He's one of 2 manager's and their was a communication issue that ended up blowing up pretty big (that's all the detail he would tell me) so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. When I would text him he would text back within 30 seconds just saying he's in a bad mood bc of work. So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. He's pretty honest with me so I just figured he was thinking about the answer.

 

He planned a trip home 3,000 miles away (we are both far from our friends and fam) to get away some & de-stress. So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. You're a sweetheart and have been nothing but good to me. I'm just so miserable right now and I don't want to drag you down with me. And no def not looking to meet anyone else. I'm just going to go home to get away from everything for awhile."

 

I then say "I mean...usually if you don't know, its a no. You were all about me in the beginning and maybe you just realized you don't like me enough to keep going and if so, its fine. That's the point of dating. U have seemed closed off lately and I'm not sure if it is bc of work or bc you don't like me (I laughed) but it's all good."

 

He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself."

 

I said "Well..I didn't feel like you were a robot in the beginning so there is hope for you."

 

He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else"

 

I was thinking that that was the end. "Yea, I agree. Well I hope you have a nice time at home and I'll miss u & the fun times we had...but yea, I want & deserve someone who is emotionally ready. But I went through what you did last year with work and it will get better for you!!"

 

He says "I had a lot of dun with you too. And thank you. I think time away with my friends and fam will help me a lot."

 

I say "Well I hope you find your happy!!' And that was that.

 

Do I give up hope? I do not plan on contacting him again. I thought it was over but a guy friend said it sounds like he just needs a little bit of space and he will be back and that he thought the guy may have thought that is what he was communicating.

 

What do you think?m who is emotionally ready. But I went through what you did last year with work and it will get better for you!!"

 

He says "I had a lot of dun with you too. And thank you. I think time away with my friends and fam will help me a lot."

 

I say "Well I hope you find your happy!!' And that was that.

 

Do I give up hope? I do not plan on contacting him again. I thought it was over but a guy friend said it sounds like he just needs a little bit of space and he will be back and that he thought the guy may have thought that is what he was communicating.

 

What do you think?

[Ami1uwant]

He has your phone number he can contact you sometime later. Just don't wait for him.

 

I think there is something more to him you don't know...he may have depression. If he goes through this now he wants to keep it from you.

[Gaeta]

I think it's safe to say he broke up with you.

 

Losing a job is a huge blow to men. I mean bigger than you can ever imagine especially those in managing. I have a male friend who lost his managing job about a month ago and it hit him so hard he was suicidal.

 

My advice to you is to let him go completely. You have no way to know how long it will take him to get back on his feet. His misery is just starting. Soon he won't be able to pay his bills, he'll have to make big life changes, he's not about to get back on his feet.

 

So yes let him go and go on with your life. Who knows maybe down the road you and him will reconnect but absolutely do not wait for him.

[LoveLady]

I have been dating a guy for 3 months. He's 32 and has been a breathe of fresh air from the Peter Pan's (the guys who continue to act like frat boys even though they're in their mid 30s) I have recently dated. So this guy has been doing everything right, treats me so sweet, wants to hang out all the time, takes me to even lunches that cost about $100 even though I'm low maintenance and when I offer to pay (and mean it) he won't let me. When I would stay the weekend with him and go to leave on Sunday he would still want me to stay, even offering to buy me new clothes for work the next day. And when I stayed we didn't even have sex so it wasn't for that. He carries my bags/purse for me in public even though i never ask and tell him its ok (bc people are staring at him haha) but he's just the best guy. I like him a lot.

 

So a few weeks ago he started having work problems to the point where he said he's afraid he might lose his job. He's one of 2 manager's and their was a communication issue that ended up blowing up pretty big (that's all the detail he would tell me) so he basically went into hiding with little communication for 2 weeks. When I would text him he would text back within 30 seconds just saying he's in a bad mood bc of work. So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer. He said he's not ignoring my question..but didn't answer it. He's pretty honest with me so I just figured he was thinking about the answer. The answer then came and said it has nothing to do with me that when he gets stressed he hides in his room and shuts out the outside world until the problem is solved. My guy friends/coworkers said that sounds about right so I didn't panic lol

 

He planned a trip home 3,000 miles away (we are both far from our friends and fam) to get away some & de-stress. So a week after I ask the question he says "Honestly, I'm not sure what I want. You're a sweetheart and have been nothing but good to me. I'm just so miserable right now and I don't want to drag you down with me. And no def not looking to meet anyone else. I'm just going to go home to get away from everything for awhile."

 

I then say "I mean...usually if you don't know, its a no. You were all about me in the beginning and maybe you just realized you don't like me enough to keep going and if so, its fine. That's the point of dating. U have seemed closed off lately and I'm not sure if it is bc of work or bc you don't like me (I laughed) but it's all good."

 

He said " You're and Amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last gf said I'm like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself."

 

I said "Well..I didn't feel like you were a robot in the beginning so there is hope for you."

 

He then said "I think I have to make changes & make myself happy before I can even be happy with someone else"

 

I was thinking that that was the end. "Yea, I agree. Well I hope you have a nice time at home and I'll miss u & the fun times we had...but yea, I want & deserve someone who is emotionally ready. But I went through what you did last year with work and it will get better for you!!"

 

He says "I had a lot of fun with you too. And thank you. I think time away with my friends and fam will help me a lot."

 

I say "Well I hope you find your happy!!' And that was that.

 

Do I give up hope? I do not plan on contacting him again. I thought it was over but a guy friend said it sounds like he just needs a little bit of space and he will be back and that he thought the guy may have thought that is what he was communicating.

 

What do you think?m who is emotionally ready. But I went through what you did last year with work and it will get better for you!!"

 

He says "I had a lot of dun with you too. And thank you. I think time away with my friends and fam will help me a lot."

 

I say "Well I hope you find your happy!!' And that was that.

 

Do I give up hope? I do not plan on contacting him again. I thought it was over but a guy friend said it sounds like he just needs a little bit of space and he will be back and that he thought the guy may have thought that is what he was communicating.

 

What do you think?

[LoveLady]

I think it's safe to say he broke up with you.

 

Losing a job is a huge blow to men. I mean bigger than you can ever imagine especially those in managing. I have a male friend who lost his managing job about a month ago and it hit him so hard he was suicidal.

 

My advice to you is to let him go completely. You have no way to know how long it will take him to get back on his feet. His misery is just starting. Soon he won't be able to pay his bills, he'll have to make big life changes, he's not about to get back on his feet.

 

So yes let him go and go on with your life. Who knows maybe down the road you and him will reconnect but absolutely do not wait for him.

 

Hi there,

He did not lose his job. The situation boiled over but he thought he was going to.

[Gaeta]

Hi there,

He did not lose his job. The situation boiled over but he thought he was going to.

 

ooops sorry !! Maybe I got lost when your story doubled itself lol

 

So what is the problem? Is his job in jeopardy? Was he demoted?

[LoveLady]

ooops sorry !! Maybe I got lost when your story doubled itself lol

 

So what is the problem? Is his job in jeopardy? Was he demoted?

 

Haha yea I just re posted my story I'm not sure why you aren't allowed to edit your posts on here. So weird.

 

Anyway, He said he doesn't want to talk about it any further after he gave the info he gave me let me know he's not getting fired.

[EricaH329]

I get that he would want to separate himself for a bit. I tend to do that as well when i'm not in the best of moods, or become really stressed out. I don't want others to be affected by my issues that i'm dealing with.

 

However, having said that, i'm aware that I have to let the people close to me in at some point. Can't stay withdrawn forever. After the initial shock wears off, you have to allow others back in.

 

The fact that he seems incapable of allowing others to get near him when he's stressed, proves that he isn't ready to be committed (or emotionally close) to another person.

 

It sounds to me as though there may be other things he could possibly be dealing with as well. If it's to the point where he needs to travel 3,000 miles to be with family and friends, it's probably much bigger than he is letting on.

 

Just be glad he was honest and let you know he isn't able to let you in right now.

[katiegrl]

>>He said - "You're an amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last girlfriend said I am like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." <<

 

----

 

He's got issues. Sounds like fear of intimacy/fear of commitment. Once he gets too close, the fear rears its ugly head and he shuts down/turns off.

 

Obviously it's a pattern, so best you simply wish him well and be on your way...which you did.

 

The good news for him is at least he is beginning to become aware of his pattern so he can seek help... should he want to.

 

Not your problem though. Be thankful he was honest and move on.

 

Sorry.

[Empyrea]

When you wrote "I was thinking that was the end" I kept thinking that there would be something else to the story that happened afterwards that made you think there was some hope still. But there was nothing, other than your friends saying that it sounds like he just needs some space - which, frankly, is a really irresponsible form of consoling which friends do to make you feel better but which only ever gives us false hope. So no, it really doesn't look like he even left a window open for you. It was a friendly break up. Definitely move on. Him becoming ready for you at some point and crawling back is probably as likely as any other one of your exes or men in your life doing that - i.e. not impossible, but there is absolutely nothing to indicate that at this point and holding on to even a glimmer of hope would just hold you back from moving on.

 

Also, if you're still holding on to how nice he was at the beginning - know that everyone is capable of pulling all the stops and putting in a lot of effort at first, so you should always objectively try to ignore the first couple of months. It's what happens afterwards that gives you a real look at who they really are - and it looks like you dodged a bullet. Emotionally shut off and a bit depressive. He definitely needs to do some growing/healing before he's ready to be a good partner to someone. Find someone who's already there!

[Ami1uwant]

>>He said - "You're an amazing girl. I am closed off. This is just how I am. My last girlfriend said I am like a robot with no feelings. I don't understand myself." <<

 

----

 

He's got issues. Sounds like fear of intimacy/fear of commitment. Once he gets too close, the fear rears its ugly head and he shuts down/turns off.

 

Obviously it's a pattern, so best you simply wish him well and be on your way...which you did.

 

The good news for him is at least he is beginning to become aware of his pattern so he can seek help... should he want to.

 

Not your problem though. Be thankful he was honest and move on.

 

Sorry.

 

Fear of intimacy doesn't jive with me.

 

I think the problems have to do with his work and what the issue was. I think he may be thinking of a career change that could come with a move. Something that happened at work triggered depression.

[katiegrl]

Fear of intimacy doesn't jive with me.

 

I think the problems have to do with his work and what the issue was. I think he may be thinking of a career change that could come with a move. Something that happened at work triggered depression.

 

Did you read what he said that I quoted up top my post? About what his previous girlfriend said... and felt while SHE was dating him?

 

Apparently he was closed off and shut down with HER too.

 

Did he have problems with his work/career change while dating her too?

[newmoon]

i kind of think you dug your own hole with this relationship and started to end it even before he did. in your post you said that

 

>>>>So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer.>>>>

 

you brought this stuff up before he even had a chance to. it's like as soon as he experienced some hard times you wanted to bail on him and give him space before he asked. at that point he was just following what you'd already put out there. what if, instead of saying what you did, and suggesting a break from you, you had suggested a break away together?, or to support him instead? it might have changed the relationship for the better. it comes across to me that you prematurely ended this by suggesting space for him.

[katiegrl]

Did you read what he said that I quoted up top my post? About what his previous girlfriend said... and felt while SHE was dating him?

 

Apparently he was closed off and shut down with HER too.

 

Did he have problems with his work/career change while dating her too?

 

^^There is a pattern here, that has nothing to do with his work or making a career change.

 

That is just an excuse... to justify the larger issue-- his emotional unavailability due to his fears of intimacy/commitment.

 

He even admitted it! Saying he is closed off, and doesn't understand himself, and that his previous gf complained about it as well.

[LoveLady]

When you wrote "I was thinking that was the end" I kept thinking that there would be something else to the story that happened afterwards that made you think there was some hope still. But there was nothing, other than your friends saying that it sounds like he just needs some space - which, frankly, is a really irresponsible form of consoling which friends do to make you feel better but which only ever gives us false hope. So no, it really doesn't look like he even left a window open for you. It was a friendly break up. Definitely move on. Him becoming ready for you at some point and crawling back is probably as likely as any other one of your exes or men in your life doing that - i.e. not impossible, but there is absolutely nothing to indicate that at this point and holding on to even a glimmer of hope would just hold you back from moving on.

 

Also, if you're still holding on to how nice he was at the beginning - know that everyone is capable of pulling all the stops and putting in a lot of effort at first, so you should always objectively try to ignore the first couple of months. It's what happens afterwards that gives you a real look at who they really are - and it looks like you dodged a bullet. Emotionally shut off and a bit depressive. He definitely needs to do some growing/healing before he's ready to be a good partner to someone. Find someone who's already there!

 

My friends are straight shooters bc they all know that's how I like it, straight honesty no BS. Especially my guy friends. They don't sugar coat anything lol The guy I was dating knows I like honest answers too.

 

But I'm fine with it. I just wanted to get other opinions since the guys say he just needs space when I thought it was over.

 

And just so you know, every single ex has come crawling back. ALL of em. But, for me, once its done...its done.

 

Thanks!

[Gaeta]

If he withdrew at the same time his work problems started then it's related. I think he's hiding something and it's far from being solved. Maybe he got some pretty serious accusation pending over his head.

 

What ever it is, if he felt connected to you he would tell you exactly what is going on and you'd be going through this together. His reaction is to keep you out and away so I say let him go. If someone pushes you away, let them.

[LoveLady]

i kind of think you dug your own hole with this relationship and started to end it even before he did. in your post you said that

 

>>>>So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer.>>>>

 

you brought this stuff up before he even had a chance to. it's like as soon as he experienced some hard times you wanted to bail on him and give him space before he asked. at that point he was just following what you'd already put out there. what if, instead of saying what you did, and suggesting a break from you, you had suggested a break away together?, or to support him instead? it might have changed the relationship for the better. it comes across to me that you prematurely ended this by suggesting space for him.

 

My one guy friend did say that to me as well, that it looked like I ended it. I just went off of him saying he was so stressed every time I contacted him and he said he didn't want to take his work crankiness out on me so I said oh no I'm so sorry, I'll let you be for a little but if you wana talk I'm here and then left him alone for a week. This was after me reaching out to him 3xs and him giving the same answer every time "that he was irritated with work and is "extremely stressed". I was told guys want space when they're stressed (by guys- 4 of them) so that is how I tried to offer my support.

 

I feel like if he didn't want space he's a grown up he could have told me. Or just contacted me.

[LoveLady]

If he withdrew at the same time his work problems started then it's related. I think he's hiding something and it's far from being solved. Maybe he got some pretty serious accusation pending over his head.

 

What ever it is, if he felt connected to you he would tell you exactly what is going on and you'd be going through this together. His reaction is to keep you out and away so I say let him go. If someone pushes you away, let them.

 

You're right. Thank you.

[Ami1uwant]

If he withdrew at the same time his work problems started then it's related. I think he's hiding something and it's far from being solved. Maybe he got some pretty serious accusation pending over his head.

 

What ever it is, if he felt connected to you he would tell you exactly what is going on and you'd be going through this together. His reaction is to keep you out and away so I say let him go. If someone pushes you away, let them.

 

Second paragraph I disagree on....

 

Early on some dont want to throw baggage in a relationship early so they pull away or block the new person from knowing all the details.

 

I have seen this first hand when dating a few women where something came up and they pulled away/poof then reappear a month later.

[Gaeta]

Second paragraph I disagree on....

 

Early on some dont want to throw baggage in a relationship early so they pull away or block the new person from knowing all the details.

 

I have seen this first hand when dating a few women where something came up and they pulled away/poof then reappear a month later.

 

I would not call 3 months 'early on'. At 3 months dating the way OP is describing you're suppose to have made a good connection already.

[katiegrl]

If he withdrew at the same time his work problems started then it's related. I think he's hiding something and it's far from being solved. Maybe he got some pretty serious accusation pending over his head.

 

What ever it is, if he felt connected to you he would tell you exactly what is going on and you'd be going through this together. His reaction is to keep you out and away so I say let him go. If someone pushes you away, let them.

 

Second paragraph -- That is precisely why I don't think it's related to work.

 

If it was only about work, he would want to talk with her about it, and would not be shutting her out.

 

His comments "I am closed off, **this is just how I am, I don't understand myself**," suggest a much deeper issue...one that he is VERY aware of.

 

I do agree with you G, in that if he felt connected to her, he *would* wish to share what's happening.

 

I just disagree that his disconnect is related to his work. IMO, that is just a ruse to disguise the deeper issues...as explained earlier.

 

JMO

[angel.eyes]

I agree with new moon.

 

A few thoughts:

 

Having things go so south at work that you fear you're about to be fired can be unbelievably stressful. What people need then is support, not fair weather friends who are angling to flee at the first sign of a cloud. I'm not saying that was your intent, but you might have given that impression. More than anything, when someone is down for the count, they need to know the people in their corner have their back.

 

Second, from your description of things, instead of supporting him, you made it about you...Are you breaking up with me? Here are all the things you're doing to me that aren't right... That's not low maintenance. That's adding more stress to an already stress-filled plate.

 

In your defense, you're in this weird position. You aren't a long-term girlfriend or spouse. It's just three months of dating. There hasn't been a long history of give and take and him being a wonderful, thoughtful partner. Of course, you let someone know when they aren't meeting your needs this early in the game.

 

Third, there are times in someone's life when they just aren't able to give. Emotionally they're spent and are running on empty. It's irrelevant how wonderful the person in front of them is. Divorce, death of a parent, losing your home, being fired are all major life stressors. It's not about you.

 

Fourth, I strongly suspect there is more to the story than he is letting on. That's his prerogative. It's a new relationship.He's not comfortable spilling his guts just yet, but he's told you enough to make it clear this isn't the typical workplace miscommunication/snafu.

 

Even if you had handled it differently, my advice would be the same. Wish him well and point out that you don't want to add stress at a time when he needs space and is asking for it. You can tell him that he's a great guy and you're open to resuming things should he want to reconnect at a future time.

 

But then, put him behind you and move on. Do NOT wait around for him to get his life in order. Get on with yours. There are lots of other guys out there who aren't Peter Pans who will be way better partners for you right now. Chalk this one up to bad timing and his situation, and move along to the next person.

 

i kind of think you dug your own hole with this relationship and started to end it even before he did. in your post you said that

 

>>>>So I let him alone for a week. After that week I asked him if he wanted a permanent break from me but he didn't answer.>>>>

 

you brought this stuff up before he even had a chance to. it's like as soon as he experienced some hard times you wanted to bail on him and give him space before he asked. at that point he was just following what you'd already put out there. what if, instead of saying what you did, and suggesting a break from you, you had suggested a break away together?, or to support him instead? it might have changed the relationship for the better. it comes across to me that you prematurely ended this by suggesting space for him.

[Ami1uwant]

I would not call 3 months 'early on'. At 3 months dating the way OP is describing you're suppose to have made a good connection already.

 

It depends. 3 months can be well advanced in a relationships. It also could be not so much advanced.

 

Still 3 months in you may still want to hide dome of your deep dark secrets.

[LoveLady]

Second paragraph -- That is precisely why I don't think it's related to work.

 

If it was only about work, he would want to talk with her about it, and would not be shutting her out.

 

His comments "I am closed off, **this is just how I am, I don't understand myself**," suggest a much deeper issue...one that he is VERY aware of.

 

I do agree with you G, in that if he felt connected to her, he *would* wish to share what's happening.

 

I just disagree that his disconnect is related to his work. IMO, that is just a ruse to disguise the deeper issues...as explained earlier.

 

JMO

 

My guy friends and male coworkers told me otherwise. They all said that guys are not like women, they do not call people to discuss their feelings, that they want to handle issues themselves no matter how much you like someone so they pull away. Whether its true in this case or not That made me think different.

 

But yes the comment that he is closed off does suggest a deeper issue and I am just going to continue to move on.

[katiegrl]

My guy friends and male coworkers told me otherwise. They all said that guys are not like women, they do not call people to discuss their feelings, that they want to handle issues themselves no matter how much you like someone so they pull away. Whether its true in this case or not That made me think different.

 

But yes the comment that he is closed off does suggest a deeper issue and I am just going to continue to move on.

 

Fair enough, just going on my own experiences.

 

I've had boyfriends who struggled with work and other issues a few months into our RL, and they always shared with me.

 

Even my current, when we first started dating, he was faced with some huge issues at work, which resulted in him leaving and seeking new employment in a completely different field.

 

He shared all of it with me, he didn't disconnect and shut me out.

 

But obviously every guy is different, and will therefite handle these things differently.

 

That said, I do think he felt disconnected *prior to* the work issue, not *because* of the work issue ...... which is why he did not feel comfortable sharing with you in the first place..

 

I am glad you have chosen to move on ...smart choice.

 

All the best going forward...