Jump to content

She has herpes


One_Made_of_Silver

Recommended Posts

One_Made_of_Silver

I met up with a girl I met online, and she informed me that she has genital herpes. I'm glad as hell she told me, but for me, that is a dealbreaker, and I'm absolutely firm on that. (Additionally, I didn't feel her personality was a good match for me, but that's obviously the lesser issue here). My problem is, I need a way to tell her I don't think it's a good idea to keep dating or associating. I want her to get the message, but I don't want to sound too harsh. :(

 

Suggestions?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell her it's too much for you and you prefer to not pursue, she will be ok she's a big girl and you're not the first man to reject her for it. Try not to be a big @sshole about it please. She has enough to deal with already, try to be considerate.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine

If it really isn't a good match, then I would frame it in that context. But given that you posted about her condition, I feel this is the real reason you are not pursuing her and that you otherwise might.

 

I think that herpes, HPV, and STIs in general, get a much worse public rep than is warranted. America is really awful about education on STIs and has used a lot of scare/religious tactics more than actual education.

 

Genital herpes is seriously nothing, and way more people have it than you think (and most don't know it). In fact, some researchers believe that in the future, it is inevitable that the majority of sexually active people will have genital herpes. How do you know you don't have it already? When were you last tested specifically for HSV-2? Many people have no outbreaks, or only one outbreak and it is so mild they don't think it's herpes.

 

I'm saying all of this not to persuade you to pursue the girl, but to go public with a point: this stuff really isn't a big deal. If you ever meet someone who is seriously worth your time but has HSV-2, I would consider it. After all, you probably have it already, and if you don't now you will at some point.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly (and unfortunately), she's probably waiting for you to end it. I'm sure she's aware of the fact that some men won't want to pursue her. I'd tell her you don't think it's a good match, and leave it at that.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Whatever reason you choose to tell her she will still know it's because of the herpes, since you are having that talk with her after she told you.

 

Don't be insulting, just tell her straight up that you really appreciate her honestly about her condition, and although you don't want to come off as an ass and hurt her, you just don't feel comfortable dating or getting intimate with someone with herpes.

Wish her the best and that's that.

 

If you try any reason other than the truth (worded in a gentle way), it's just going to come off condescending.

 

I'm sure she's used to getting rejected for having herpes.

It's not on you to date her. Just be honest and be gentle.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
If it really isn't a good match, then I would frame it in that context. But given that you posted about her condition, I feel this is the real reason you are not pursuing her and that you otherwise might.

 

I think that herpes, HPV, and STIs in general, get a much worse public rep than is warranted. America is really awful about education on STIs and has used a lot of scare/religious tactics more than actual education.

 

Genital herpes is seriously nothing, and way more people have it than you think (and most don't know it). In fact, some researchers believe that in the future, it is inevitable that the majority of sexually active people will have genital herpes. How do you know you don't have it already? When were you last tested specifically for HSV-2? Many people have no outbreaks, or only one outbreak and it is so mild they don't think it's herpes.

 

I'm saying all of this not to persuade you to pursue the girl, but to go public with a point: this stuff really isn't a big deal. If you ever meet someone who is seriously worth your time but has HSV-2, I would consider it. After all, you probably have it already, and if you don't now you will at some point.

 

I beg your pardon? Of course it's a big deal. There is no cure for it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I beg your pardon? Of course it's a big deal. There is no cure for it.

 

There is also no cure for the common wart you get on your finger, how is that threatening to your life?

 

Hsv-2 has no incidence on your health. It won't shorten your life, put you in a wheelchair, or disable you in anyway. How is it a big deal? It's only a big deal because pharmaceutical companies have decided to better sell their antivirals they had to make it something shameful and shameful sells.

 

Before the pharmaceutical companies got involved herpes was just a normal rash to come and go like a cold sore is a common rash that comes and goes.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
There is also no cure for the common wart you get on your finger, how is that threatening to your life?

 

Hsv-2 has no incidence on your health. It won't shorten your life, put you in a wheelchair, or disable you in anyway. How is it a big deal? It's only a big deal because pharmaceutical companies have decided to better sell their antivirals they had to make it something shameful and shameful sells.

 

Before the pharmaceutical companies got involved herpes was just a normal rash to come and go like a cold sore is a common rash that comes and goes.

 

I've never had it, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you very much. It is a painful, contagious STI with an enormous stigma. OP seems to feel the same way, and I think he's got the right to want to head the other direction.

Edited by oberkeat
Link to post
Share on other sites
I've never had it, and I'd like to keep it that way, thank you very much. OP seems to feel the same way, and I think he's got the right to want to head the other direction.

 

It's perfectly fine to not want to date someone with hsv-2 like it's perfectly fine for me to not want to date a man with small hands.

 

I am not trying to convince OP to change his mind. He doesn't like her enough. If he did like her a great deal and wanted to talk about the fact she has hsv-2 then I'd spend time and efforts in here to explain things to him as I carry hsv-2 myself and I date around the clock with it with no problems.

 

What I don't like is people that are not educated about it that comes in threads with their preconceived ideas that it's dangerous.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine
It's perfectly fine to not want to date someone with hsv-2 like it's perfectly fine for me to not want to date a man with small hands.

 

I am not trying to convince OP to change his mind. He doesn't like her enough. If he did like her a great deal and wanted to talk about the fact she has hsv-2 then I'd spend time and efforts in here to explain things to him as I carry hsv-2 myself and I date around the clock with it with no problems.

 

What I don't like is people that are not educated about it that comes in threads with their preconceived ideas that it's dangerous.

 

Agree 100%. The miseducation and stigma is what is harmful, and not the actual herpes virus itself. I do not have HSV-2 (so far), but I would see someone who carried it if I thought the relationship had potential. Catching a cold from someone is literally more hazardous to your health than herpes. America really does a ****ty job with sex education.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine
Agreed. If you do that, she won't tell anyone else about it and ruin a lot of people.

 

No, that is not true. This person sounds honest and open, and understanding of how others will react. I hope she finds the person who will accept her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it sad how there is a huge stigma around genital herpes while there is no stigma around oral herpes- cold sores...which are very common. Not all oral herpes is caused by HSV1 and not all genital herpes is HSV2. Both HSV 1 and HSV2 can be the cause of genital herpes and in fact with oral sex becoming completely normal and mainstream sexual habit the newly diagnosed genital herpes cases are more and more often HSV1. In some countries is over 50%. Over 85% of us will have oral herpes (most often HSV1) by the time we are 60. If you have ever had a coldsore it means you have oral herpes in your system and you can give someone genital herpes by performing oral on them. So you might not have genital herpes but you have the potential to give someone genital herpes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Agreed. If you do that, she won't tell anyone else about it and ruin a lot of people.

 

Only a person that regularly uses deception would think such thing. Believe me, people that carry hsv-2 had to learn fast to be tough and move on from people that don't accept them with their condition.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
One_Made_of_Silver

She's not really my preference in terms of her physical appearance, and she's got some pretty intense emotional baggage, so I doubted there was long term relationship potential before her admission. I don't like her enough to risk getting this. I'm sorry.

 

At the same time, I know it took incredible courage and integrity for her to tell me, and I feel sorry for her. :(

Edited by One_Made_of_Silver
Link to post
Share on other sites
She's not really my preference in terms of her physical appearance, and she's got some pretty intense emotional baggage, so I doubted there was long term relationship potential before her admission. I don't like her enough to risk getting this. I'm sorry.

 

At the same time, I know it took incredible courage and integrity for her to tell me, and I feel sorry for her. :(

 

Honey, it's ok. You are not a bad person for not pursuing with her. You can tell her it was nice meeting her but you didn't feel enough chemistry to pursue and this before she told you about hsv. Make is short and considerate and wish her luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sure she understands that you don't want to risk contracting a lifelong disease that results in regular breakouts of painful sores. No one is worth going through that.

 

She screwed up her life, you don't have to do the same.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sure she understands that you don't want to risk contracting a lifelong disease that results in regular breakouts of painful sores. No one is worth going through that.

 

She screwed up her life, you don't have to do the same.

 

How did she screw up her life? Maybe someone else screwed it up for her, ever thought of that? How sure are you that the person you date or live with doesn't screw around? That's how I got it. Yep! the man I was in love with for 4 years, lived with, had a house and a life with, screwed around and brought this gift back home to me.

 

And for your information, as you are no educated on the matter, 80% of people with hsv do not have outbreaks and will never have them.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just had a great idea!!!!

When I want to check how much my date likes me and before we sleep together, I will just lie - I have a genital herpes, ta daa!

And if he stays he really likes me and if he goes he didn't like me that much after or or is totally ignorant so good riddance in either case.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I just had a great idea!!!!

When I want to check how much my date likes me and before we sleep together, I will just lie - I have a genital herpes, ta daa!

And if he stays he really likes me and if he goes he didn't like me that much after or or is totally ignorant so good riddance in either case.

 

haha, I got some news for you. I get more ONS offers and FWB offer than ever. Men think it's no big deal to 'do me' a few of times. It's those that are looking for long term that usually will stop and ask for a pause to think about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just had a great idea!!!!

When I want to check how much my date likes me and before we sleep together, I will just lie - I have a genital herpes, ta daa!

And if he stays he really likes me and if he goes he didn't like me that much after or or is totally ignorant so good riddance in either case.

 

I don't think that's fair. Nobody is worth compromising your health and getting an STI. I don't care how good their conversation is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think that's fair. Nobody is worth compromising your health and getting an STI. I don't care how good their conversation is.

 

This is YOUR opinion. Let others decide what is worth and not worth once they are properly educated on the matter. You speak like someone who's completely unaware of the world out there and dating nowadays. In 1975 it was shameful just like it was shameful to be a single mother. It's 2015, we've evolved since and we now understand hsv-2 is something common. Look at the people around you, every 1 person out of 4 you talk in a day carries it. Your colleague, your neighbor, your sister, your nephew, your accountant, even that cute girl singing in church choir.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sure she understands that you don't want to risk contracting a lifelong disease that results in regular breakouts of painful sores. No one is worth going through that.

 

She screwed up her life, you don't have to do the same.

 

A lifelong disease that most people carry without realising..spreading it without realising.

Very few people have regular breakouts of painful sores. I dont have genital herpes and i have had several people in my life who would have been worth a small risk. I dont see it as screwing up one's life..besides that is a very ignorant thing to say, you dont know how she caught it.. one doesnt have to be promiscous, careless or unfaithful to get it. you can get it even if you only have sex in long term relationships and use protection or have had no relationship at all. ( there are children who have genital herpes as a result of being sexually abused. Even babies.)

Edited by JGirl83
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine
This is YOUR opinion. Let others decide what is worth and not worth once they are properly educated on the matter. You speak like someone who's completely unaware of the world out there and dating nowadays. In 1975 it was shameful just like it was shameful to be a single mother. It's 2015, we've evolved since and we now understand hsv-2 is something common. Look at the people around you, every 1 person out of 4 you talk in a day carries it. Your colleague, your neighbor, your sister, your nephew, your accountant, even that cute girl singing in church choir.

 

Yeah, those statistics are accurate. I am genuinely shocked my last HSV-2 test was negative. Also...very strange what you said earlier about men offering ONS but reluctant on the LTR front. What do you make of that?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you have slept with more than a couple women chances are you have been with someone that has herpes or hPV and has not told you. Both are incredibly common. I think its a little silly to lose interest just because of that but its your call. Most people do not tell people they have it. They figure its not deadly, not always transmitted, so why tell everyone and let the word get around they have it? I would ask her how often she has breakouts. If its only once a year or so or even more infrequent you probably will never show she has it.

 

If you really are not interested, then tell her. Chances are 1 in 3 or 4 women you have dated has it. So you have likely been exposed. Herpes...the gift that keeps on giving.

Edited by SugarLips72
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...