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Rejected. How to respond?


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So this girl and I have known each other for a year now.

Over past few months, I started liking her a lot more than a friend.

We became very close, and we're now going on a working-holiday/placement with each other in early 2016. A few of my friends have been telling me to go for it, but I didn't think it would happen. Plus she's been on-and-off with this dick of a boyfriend for the past 10 months or so. It's a bit of a long-distance thing, and he lets her down and yet she always gives him another chance. Why? I have no idea.

 

Her birthday last weekend. She practically spent the whole night with me, despite having her best friends there and what not. Her boyfriend wasn't there. From 11pm till 4am, she was with me dancing/chatting and stuff.

Wanted me to act as her boyfriend to stray strangers away from her. I didn't realise what I was doing at times but I was tickling her lower back and stuff and she didn't seem to mind or anything.

 

One of HER friends came up to me near the end of the night telling me that I should make a move on her etc. I thought it's a bit risky given with the placement next year (together just me and her for 8 weeks).

 

So Wednesday, we go for a walk. I ask subtly if she was single, and to me to surprise she said she's still with that dick of a boyfriend. She could tell I was thrown a bit and just kept on harassing me to tell her whats up. Unfortunately I cracked and just told her that I liked her. I'm astonished that she seemed surprised by it. I thought it was painfully obvious that I liked her, but she didn't seem to get the hint over the past few months.

 

I ask her why the hell she's still with her boyfriend, given how her family hates him, her best friend hates him and even she says she has no idea why she's with him. She's giving him one last chance apparently.

 

So I'm rather distraught. Walking back to our cars. It's obvious she feels crap because she thinks she's played me on and feels awful for making me feel like **** now. Says "If I wasn't with him, then it may be different - but I don't know". Whips out the classic friendzone line of "You're one of my best friends" which was like a sucker punch to the balls.

 

So. I feel quite annoyed with her about it because the way she acted last weekend - it was not like you'd act with your best friend. She had her bestest best friend there, and yet she was with me for hours being really flirty. Is that really how you hang out with your best friend?

 

She sent a message apologising and stuff and said that she had no idea how I felt and that "it will take some time for it to sink in". WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

 

So I'll be surprised if the boyfriend doesn't **** up again, so I'm trying to think on what to do. I care about this girl a lot, and given how we'll be spending 8 weeks together working/travelling in early 2016 - I can't really just end our friendship. I do value our friendship a lot, but I'll always want more. A bit like Ross to Rachel from Friends I'd say :rolleyes:

 

Not sure what to do.

"It'll take some time to sink in". I just don't get what she meant by that.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Piece of advice. Dont go slandering someone as a dick especially if you dont know them

 

Second piece of advice. Dont go playing with someone else`s girlfriend.

 

Third piece. Why the hell didnt you not wait until after your work placemtn for this to happen. It might be awkward for the pair of you to go with this hanging in the background.

 

I d say pull back for now. Shes in a relationship with someone. Give her the opportunity to miss you. Disappear for a while. She mentioned "You're one of my best friends". Let her think about it and for her to come to you.

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My advice....

 

- You are right to question why she keeps hanging onto an absolute dick. I think it says volumes about her emotional health to be honest. She appears to be an insecure female who is easily manipulated by the bad boy. Unfortunately until she grows past this stage she will continue to go running every time he whistles. I've known young women like this and they just can't help themselves, they love being treated like a pet dog. No amount of common sense makes any difference. They are addicted to the drama. Even if she agreed to be with you, she would still text him whenever he texts, still go running back to him. It's a cycle only she can break.

 

- Distance yourself, you have to in order to save your sanity. She flirted with you, lead you on and then acted all confused. Trust me, she's not confused or unaware of what she did. She did it because she liked your attention but doesn't like it well enough to actually commit to you. It's a horrible situation and I think she was being entirely selfish that night.

 

- With a bit of luck you'll soon meet another girl to fall in love with or at least become infatuated with. Hopefully you'll be banging her well before Feb 2016 so you have something else to focus on when you do placement and a steady girlfriend to keep your thoughts sane and your libido satisfied.

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Piece of advice. Dont go slandering someone as a dick especially if you dont know them

 

Second piece of advice. Dont go playing with someone else`s girlfriend.

 

Third piece. Why the hell didnt you not wait until after your work placemtn for this to happen. It might be awkward for the pair of you to go with this hanging in the background.

 

I d say pull back for now. Shes in a relationship with someone. Give her the opportunity to miss you. Disappear for a while. She mentioned "You're one of my best friends". Let her think about it and for her to come to you.

 

I do appreciate the reply back.

 

But I call him a dick because of the stories she's told me about him. The number of times he's put her down/sad is infuriating. Her parents hate him, her sister called him a waste of space, and her best friend thinks he's a dick too.

 

Also, I thought she was single. The way she acted with me on weekend, you'd not blame my surprise that she wasn't single. I even apologies for calling him a dick to her after the walk, and said I'm sure he's a nice guy. Which she said "no he is a dick". What the hell right? I wouldn't have mentioned anything to her had she not pestered me to tell her what was bothering me. We were sitting down at the time and she would not let me leave my seat until I told her.

 

But I will take your last piece into account. As I said, really do appreciate the reply/advice.

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My advice....

 

- You are right to question why she keeps hanging onto an absolute dick. I think it says volumes about her emotional health to be honest. She appears to be an insecure female who is easily manipulated by the bad boy. Unfortunately until she grows past this stage she will continue to go running every time he whistles. I've known young women like this and they just can't help themselves, they love being treated like a pet dog. No amount of common sense makes any difference. They are addicted to the drama. Even if she agreed to be with you, she would still text him whenever he texts, still go running back to him. It's a cycle only she can break.

 

- Distance yourself, you have to in order to save your sanity. She flirted with you, lead you on and then acted all confused. Trust me, she's not confused or unaware of what she did. She did it because she liked your attention but doesn't like it well enough to actually commit to you. It's a horrible situation and I think she was being entirely selfish that night.

 

- With a bit of luck you'll soon meet another girl to fall in love with or at least become infatuated with. Hopefully you'll be banging her well before Feb 2016 so you have something else to focus on when you do placement and a steady girlfriend to keep your thoughts sane and your libido satisfied.

 

Think she'd be the first to admit that she's insecure, so don't see myself disagreeing with you on that one.

 

That's what shocks me. She's such a nice girl so I'm surprised about the whole thing. I think what annoyed me is tht she told me that some of her friends told her that they think I like her but she didn't think it was true. She definitely was careless that night.

 

But yeah we'll see. I'll see how it goes. I think we're both adult enough to not let this get between us. She's 24 and I'm 23 in 8 months or so.

 

We'll see if this new girl rocks up or not then :)

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I do appreciate the reply back.

 

But I call him a dick because of the stories she's told me about him. The number of times he's put her down/sad is infuriating. Her parents hate him, her sister called him a waste of space, and her best friend thinks he's a dick too.

 

Also, I thought she was single. The way she acted with me on weekend, you'd not blame my surprise that she wasn't single. I even apologies for calling him a dick to her after the walk, and said I'm sure he's a nice guy. Which she said "no he is a dick". What the hell right? I wouldn't have mentioned anything to her had she not pestered me to tell her what was bothering me. We were sitting down at the time and she would not let me leave my seat until I told her.

 

But I will take your last piece into account. As I said, really do appreciate the reply/advice.

 

 

Great response to your feedback.

 

I d say lie low for mow and speak to other girls. If she is the one you want then I d ask you wait to see how you get on on your work placement.

 

It`ll give youmore time to see what she is like and how her current relationsip is going.

 

Resist any temptation to make a move from your friends for now. She has to come to you. She knows you liek her and she knows where you are.

 

Just takes time. Thats all.

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I would pull back, a bit, be friendly yet cool, this makes them sometimes want you. Then let time do the work for chances are she will grow tired of the Loser.

 

 

Also those 8 weeks will be something to look forward to for the opportunity to showcase who you are and have her fall for you and dump him.

 

 

And, if none of this comes to light then you will be no worse off then you are now. So nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

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(And quit starting all your sentences with the word 'so'.

It's a coordinating conjunction, not a noun, a verb or an adjective....

 

That would mean a whole lot more to me than you apparently do to her.

 

Seriously. Don't mess up your grammar. Great grammar is so sexy....)

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Great response to your feedback.

 

I d say lie low for mow and speak to other girls. If she is the one you want then I d ask you wait to see how you get on on your work placement.

 

It`ll give youmore time to see what she is like and how her current relationsip is going.

 

Resist any temptation to make a move from your friends for now. She has to come to you. She knows you liek her and she knows where you are.

 

Just takes time. Thats all.

 

Will do. Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely not be doing any advances until she's single again, or at least gives me hints while she's single. Think leaving it until after placement is a good call.

 

Many thanks again!

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OP, with the exception of one post (I think you know which) you got some great advice here.

 

The only thing I can add is some women NEVER grow out of this stage. they end up marrying the bad boy, have a few kids then divorce or separate & go right back to the guys who treat them bad.

 

In the case of the on/off BF they will date other guys for a while but as soon as the "BF" comes back into the picture she will find the silliest reason to dump the guy so she can get back with mr on/off.

 

I know because i've pretty much friendzoned half a dozen of these women and i'm in my early 40's.

 

They are not relationship material.

They are someone to have fun with & date for a while.

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(And quit starting all your sentences with the word 'so'.

It's a coordinating conjunction, not a noun, a verb or an adjective....

 

That would mean a whole lot more to me than you apparently do to her.

 

Seriously. Don't mess up your grammar. Great grammar is so sexy....)

 

Apologies for that. When I'm posting on a forum, I tend to do that unfortunately :laugh: I don't do it orally so it's rather strange I do it on a forum actually. Never noticed that before.

 

Will try and restrict that on future forum posts :D

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OP, with the exception of one post (I think you know which) you got some great advice here.

 

The only thing I can add is some women NEVER grow out of this stage. they end up marrying the bad boy, have a few kids then divorce or separate & go right back to the guys who treat them bad.

 

In the case of the on/off BF they will date other guys for a while but as soon as the "BF" comes back into the picture she will find the silliest reason to dump the guy so she can get back with mr on/off.

 

I know because i've pretty much friendzoned half a dozen of these women and i'm in my early 40's.

 

They are not relationship material.

They are someone to have fun with & date for a while.

 

I can see where you're coming from. It's just odd though as she's admitted that she has no idea why she's with him. I wouldn't feel as bad if she was with a good guy but hey-ho.

 

This is apparently his last chance - she's never said that before so we shall see.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

Admittedly, I'm surprised how cool I am about the whole thing. I obviously still like her and stuff, but I expected myself to be a lot more sad about it. It is sad, but I haven't cried or anything or panicked about the potential awkwardness about it all. I think it'll be alright. Our placement should be really fun, and I guess if something happens - it happens.

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Apologies for that. When I'm posting on a forum, I tend to do that unfortunately :laugh: I don't do it orally so it's rather strange I do it on a forum actually. Never noticed that before.

 

Will try and restrict that on future forum posts :D

 

You're a sweetie, I love you and want your children!

 

See how seductive good grammar is?? :D

 

Thank you for being so receptive.

 

I think she's lost out on a good one, myself.

If she can't appreciate your quality and would rather stay with aforementioned what's-his-face, then maybe her people-picker is off, and you dodged a bullet.

 

Who's choose curdled milk over double dairy-whipped cream?

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Just learn from this experience. It's a valuable lesson.

 

You've now seen which guys women go for and which they don't. Up to you which guy you want to be.

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I can see where you're coming from. It's just odd though as she's admitted that she has no idea why she's with him. I wouldn't feel as bad if she was with a good guy but hey-ho.

 

This is apparently his last chance - she's never said that before so we shall see.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

Admittedly, I'm surprised how cool I am about the whole thing. I obviously still like her and stuff, but I expected myself to be a lot more sad about it. It is sad, but I haven't cried or anything or panicked about the potential awkwardness about it all. I think it'll be alright. Our placement should be really fun, and I guess if something happens - it happens.

 

it's all noise.

What women say & do are in my experience two different things.

When one of my chick friends bitches about how badly her BF treats her I tell them the same thing.

 

That their the dumbass that puts up with it and can end it any time they want.

 

They usually stop talking to me for a few weeks at that point but i'm ok with that because for some reason my not putting up with that nonsense and not caring if I sleep with them or not ends up with them wanting to sleep with me. go figure.

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travelbug1996

Continue to be a good guy and one day you'll meet a woman that doesn't go for bad boys. Personally, I can't stand jerks and as soon as I see those traits I'm out.

 

As for this one, pull back because she wouldn't know a good thing if it hit her right in the nose. That's not your fault and don't take it personal. Be friendly to her, but keep your feelings in check.

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Just learn from this experience. It's a valuable lesson.

 

You've now seen which guys women go for and which they don't. Up to you which guy you want to be.

 

OP, you seem like a guy with a solid moral compass, a good attitude, and respect for women as equally valuable humans.

 

Don't stoop to treating them like dirt just to "get some."

 

You're too good for that.

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OP, you seem like a guy with a solid moral compass, a good attitude, and respect for women as equally valuable humans.

 

Don't stoop to treating them like dirt just to "get some."

 

You're too good for that.

 

Thanks - I do try.

 

Plus, thanks for all of the replies everyone.

Feeling good for now :)

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