Friend gone cold after hooking up

[leafguy]

Hey guys / girls.

 

Hooked up with a long time friend last week. Since then she has been distant and very unresponsive. Going from fairly chatty almost on a daily basis too not responding or two and three word texts once or twice a day. I have been initiating since the night trying to see / talk to her. She initiated plans for the night where everything happened.

 

We have had next to 0 communication since the night of and I definitely think we need to talk to get on with the next phase of our relationship whatever that maybe. Do I just walk away for the time being and let her come to me? How long is a reasonable time to let her figure herself out on the matter?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated..would love a few females perspectices on this. Is she evaluating? Embarrassed? Anything else I am missing?

[Gaeta]

Of course.

 

She is afraid you will read something into your night together.

 

Just tell her what happened doesn't change anything for you, you are remaining just friends.

[katiegrl]

Hey guys / girls.

 

Hooked up with a long time friend last week. Since then she has been distant and very unresponsive. Going from fairly chatty almost on a daily basis too not responding or two and three word texts once or twice a day. I have been initiating since the night trying to see / talk to her. She initiated plans for the night where everything happened.

 

We have had next to 0 communication since the night of and I definitely think we need to talk to get on with the next phase of our relationship whatever that maybe. Do I just walk away for the time being and let her come to me? How long is a reasonable time to let her figure herself out on the matter?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated..would love a few females perspectices on this. Is she evaluating? Embarrassed? Anything else I am missing?

 

Hmmm...going from daily chats before sex .... to zero chats after sex.

 

Gee, could it be possible she didn't like the sex? Just because you did, doesn't necessarily mean she did.

 

Also, it seems that now, after sex, you expect to take this relationship to the next level.

 

Has it occurred to you she may not want to take it to the next level?

 

If she did, trust me she would not be ignoring you now.

Edited October 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[kendahke]

What discussions did you have about introducing sex into your platonic friendship before you two had sex? Was she looking to make a deeper connection with you where she was acknowledging romantic feelings for you and wanting to begin building this new aspect of her involvement with you?

 

Or did she say "I got an itch, wanna scratch it?" and you said "sure!!!!!!!!"?

 

If all she wanted to was get some, looks like she accomplished what she set out to do. She kind of left you in the dark as to her intentions--and you probably left her in the dark by not expressing your intentions and the aftermath of taking your friendship into sexual territory.

 

I'd say something to her. You're friends, so you should be able to discuss anything with her. If she plays the nut role, then she was just after some Richard and that's it. If she doesn't, then you two obviously need to sit down and have a discussion about the parameters of your involvement with one another now that sex has been introduced.

[katiegrl]

Kinda hard to discuss something with someone who has become distant and non-responsive.....

 

OP said he has tried to talk to her, to no avail.

 

Not much you can do OP except let her know you'd like to talk, and wait for her to respond.

 

Don't push it...

 

Ball is in her court now...

[smackie9]

I say she is regretting her choice and can't find the words to say "This isn't going to work out".

 

Most don't want to continue with a friendship knowing the other has strong romantic feelings for them.

 

I have a feeling there is no "Next phase".

 

You can CALL her, not text, and tell her in your own words that if she feels things are now awkward and doesn't want to pursue anything, that it's OK with you.

[leafguy]

Katie,

 

Honestly the sex just happened...always been friends with that chemistry. As far as it being bad....always a possibility but we had been friends for 15 years. I wouls like to think there is enough there to talk about everything. Given the fact we know just about everything about each others past relationships and everything else.

 

She was also the one the said she wants to see where things go between us after the hookup. I took that at face value, but I am starting to question it now. Do I want a relationship with her yes. I have been honest about my feelings to her saying that I really care for her and that I agreed about saying lets see where things go.

 

Kendah...there was really no discussion about it prior to. Beyond that, I really want to know where we stand but have no idea how to even talk to her anymore as she has basically shut down.

[leafguy]

Smackie,

 

I have intentions of calling her over the weekend for none other than the fact it might be best to have a couple days where I let my mind get a bit of peace and gives her sn extre few days to reach out. I also have to accept the distinct possibility she was more horny than anything and perhaps nothing else was on her mind. The last part is more bothersome because of the fact I didnt envision that it would possibly have this much trouble getting her to talk about it afterwards.

 

I get the fact everything has changed and there maybe no going back or forward but I still want the peace of mind knowing we talked about it. Not trying hard to talk and make things. right tk be shut down

[kendahke]

Kendah...there was really no discussion about it prior to. Beyond that, I really want to know where we stand but have no idea how to even talk to her anymore as she has basically shut down.

 

I trust, having known one another and been friends for 15 years, that you know where she lives and where she works?

 

IMO, this isn't a conversation to have over the phone or through texting.

 

Better to make the effort to talk to her than to torture yourself with "what ifs" and speculation.

[leafguy]

I do know where she works and lives. Arr you suggesting that I force the issue and just show up?

 

I agree this needs to be done in person so body language and everyrhing else can be read.

 

Out of curiousity, how much can external stuff affect a female mindset...I do know she is absolutely miserable at work to the point she has considered quitting.

[katiegrl]

 

 

**I do know where she works and lives. Arr you suggesting that I force the issue and just show up?***

 

 

 

I agree this needs to be done in person so body language and everyrhing else can be read.

 

Out of curiousity, how much can external stuff affect a female mindset...I do know she is absolutely miserable at work to the point she has considered quitting.

 

Quote in asterisk, IMO, I would not recommend it leafguy.

 

Give her time to let this new development "marinate."

 

She may be feeling a bit overwhelmed right now... which is understandable. She may not even know what she's feeling.

 

You have reached out, now it's her turn, when she'ready.

 

Don't push it, or show up unannounced ...just give her time.

 

You have been friends for 15 years for chrissakes, she'll be back.

 

Good luck.

[sportygirl89]

Katie,

 

Honestly the sex just happened...always been friends with that chemistry. As far as it being bad....always a possibility but we had been friends for 15 years. I wouls like to think there is enough there to talk about everything. Given the fact we know just about everything about each others past relationships and everything else.

 

She was also the one the said she wants to see where things go between us after the hookup. I took that at face value, but I am starting to question it now. Do I want a relationship with her yes. I have been honest about my feelings to her saying that I really care for her and that I agreed about saying lets see where things go.

 

Kendah...there was really no discussion about it prior to. Beyond that, I really want to know where we stand but have no idea how to even talk to her anymore as she has basically shut down.

 

I had a guy like this girl. Friends with strong chemistry. After we messed around communication stopped nearly completely. Then didn't respond to my texts at all. It was hurtful. But I knew he wasn't over his ex. So that was my fault on that part. But I think people are just crap though most of the time. It is more of a reflection on them then you. He claimed he didn't want our friendship to change. But essentially ghosted. I can't even imagine what it would be like if we had actually had sex. So glad we didn't go farther. Just harder when people say one thing then do the other. We were friends for 10-12 years. I get your pain. If the friendship was strong they will be back. This guy always had a way of coming back when I was in a relationship. But honestly he can stay gone this time

Edited October 1, 2015 by sportygirl89

[leafguy]

Katie,

 

How long should I let it marinate? I'm usually almost sure of my feelings within a few days, and this was no different. I realize a week isn't that long, but would have expected at least something

 

I would not be shocked at her just wanting a night to sort of relax and get the stress out given her work situation, so that could be it too.

 

I agree she will be back, as me disappearing for a few days I will likely hear at least something from her.

 

Sporty,

She always asks about my dating life without fail, so I know there is interest. I also expect her back because of the friendship, but I don't know if there is going back now with regards to where we were. It has happened once where we hooked up, it can easily happen again now that the cat is out of the bag.

[Jinx01]

I did this with a guy friend once.

 

It was really something like, or wanted to have sex and hang out more but he told me he loved me and freaked me out.

 

I had to pull away and eventually have the talk with him about the fact he was wanting something entirely different from what I could give.

[leafguy]

Jinx,

 

ive been honest and told her I really.care for her. I wouldnt drop the love bomb until A. I was sure of it and B. I was in a steady relationahip when the other party wont get scared off.

 

I dont think she has any idea on what she couls give right now. The more I talk about this with everyone the more scared and messed up I think her head is. At.the end of the day the talk has to happen in person and probably sooner than later...and I am looking at that from a friend perspective not a relationship perspective.

 

Romantically we owe each other nothing but aa friends for that long, we owe a talk to each other to figure out what is there and where it is going to go. Can I ask you how long it took you to have this chat qith your friend? Part of me is a bit worried that I may have scared her a bit by even saying I cared for her

[smackie9]

no a part of you is worried of losing her...........

[leafguy]

Well yeah that is a given....

[Versacehottie]

Call me devious. But I wouldn't have the "talk", a "talk" or whatever. Her actions are speaking pretty loudly. Just pull back and see what she does next--in the meantime doing your own thing--not waiting!!! I think she needs a bit of a challenge. Any talk you have at this point, IMO, are going to be perceived as pressure and she's already acting like she is overwhelmed (maybe it's a combo with the job and what is going on with you, who knows, doesn't matter). I think she is going to wonder what's going on if you don't make it so easy for her. Anyway, you should be questioning what you think about her due to her actions after the hookup. I'm guessing there's a lack of overwhelming need to be together because you are "right there", obviously into her and too available. So having a talk to tell her more of the same is no bueno. Some people only "get it" when they get a bit of a challenge/pushback. Good luck.

[Jinx01]

I put the talk with my friend off for a while. Maybe a month.

 

My situation was a little different because my friend very much wanted love as the outcome for the situation.

 

It's best if you wait a while just like the normal amount of time you would wait between the two of you spending time with each other. That way you won't make her think that you are all of a sudden more needy for attention and different.

 

The best thing to do is just be able to show that your friendship hasn't changed too much and only try having this talk when you can see she's comfortable around you again.

 

My guy friend made the mistake of showing up at my house because I wasn't answering his calls to profess his feelings...Don't do anything weird and out of character like that.

[fitnessfan365]

Honestly the sex just happened...always been friends with that chemistry. As far as it being bad....always a possibility but we had been friends for 15 years.

 

That's just it though. How do you tell someone that you've been friends with for 15 years and finally hooked up with that the sex was terrible? In any case though, she's obviously dealing with some sort of conflict over it based on her behavior. So maybe the best thing is to just give her some space and the chance to come to you.

[leafguy]

Thx for all the responses everyone...

 

Fitness,

As a friend, I think she would be able to tell me at least something other than to just go cold regardless if the sex was the worst or the best she has ever had. Friends are truthful with each other and I think the first time between most people is always a bit akward. That being said, if she regrets it, then just say it.

 

Versace, thx as always for chiming in.

 

I have pulled back the last few days and havent attempted contact in the last 48 hours Dont plan on reaching out to her unless she reaches out first. It is true that I have been pretty available to her as a friend, but I have always been pretty flexible with plans. Wish I understood the whole challenge thing better. Im 29, so this whole idea of push and push back thing is weird. Everyone likes to be chased a bit, but when I am pretty set what nights I am free, it should not be viewed as being too available.

 

Jinx, thx again for your advice.

I have no intention on showing up at her place to force a talk. Im fairly confident she will be around soon because she always does when I go mia for a while, but im not sure how she will act this time. I have been fairly emotional this week about it, but not to the point I ever bombarded her.phone or did something stupid. Im super busy this weekend so it will be easy to get oast a few more days without thinking about it too much. As you pointed out I think I am scared of losing her completely because of this because I know everything has changed, but I know if roles were reversed id at least have the decency to say something.

[Versacehottie]

Thx for all the responses everyone...

 

Fitness,

As a friend, I think she would be able to tell me at least something other than to just go cold regardless if the sex was the worst or the best she has ever had. Friends are truthful with each other and I think the first time between most people is always a bit akward. That being said, if she regrets it, then just say it.

 

Versace, thx as always for chiming in.

 

I have pulled back the last few days and havent attempted contact in the last 48 hours Dont plan on reaching out to her unless she reaches out first. It is true that I have been pretty available to her as a friend, but I have always been pretty flexible with plans. Wish I understood the whole challenge thing better. Im 29, so this whole idea of push and push back thing is weird. Everyone likes to be chased a bit, but when I am pretty set what nights I am free, it should not be viewed as being too available.

 

Jinx, thx again for your advice.

I have no intention on showing up at her place to force a talk. Im fairly confident she will be around soon because she always does when I go mia for a while, but im not sure how she will act this time. I have been fairly emotional this week about it, but not to the point I ever bombarded her.phone or did something stupid. Im super busy this weekend so it will be easy to get oast a few more days without thinking about it too much. As you pointed out I think I am scared of losing her completely because of this because I know everything has changed, but I know if roles were reversed id at least have the decency to say something.

 

Well glad you are busy this weekend. That's what you need to do! In life even when things aren't going the way I want or what I expected, I try to act true to myself so that I don't have regrets. Doesn't mean things always work out in the perfect, ideal way but I don't usually look back with regrets. Everything is an opportunity to learn about the other person and yourself. People aren't perfect but they do teach you something about their patterns and interaction styles--something that will surely be valuable in deciding to move forward with her or not, how you do so if you guys are together or that you have enough information to move on. Like most of the stories I told you, one party or the other usually wasn't "ready" when the other was (thought of another one too--and same thing!!). That may be what is going on here. I think you need to keep lines of communication open, i.e. in that she knows she can use them and you will be receptive to talk with her--not laying everything on line and in meantime live your life so she can see you have value and self-respect and if she doesn't jump on it soon, she might miss out. Good luck

[Buddhist]

Any advice is greatly appreciated..would love a few females perspectices on this. Is she evaluating? Embarrassed? Anything else I am missing?

 

She's regretting and wants to bury the issue not talk about the next phase of the relationship. In her mind there is no relationship and she probably wishes that the sex didn't happen.

[leafguy]

Agreed Versace...I try to live my life without regrets and in this situation I would probably do the same thing avain despite the unpleasant outcome. Though that being said, I do regret this a bit.

 

As far as the lines of communication, there hasnt been any sinxe wednesday. I will try and reach out again at some point in the next dew days to see how she is doing, even if I get a voice mail. I would still like to try the friendship route again even if it ks a bit akward.

 

Buddhist, I definitely have to agree with you there. I suspected the same thing after the conversation turned very short responses and long response times from her. The problem is I dont think this issue can be buried until it is talked about.

[CalvinM]

Going into this you probably should've weighed the consequence of it not working out and dissolving your friendship. It reads like you were both impulsive and neither of you discussed the ramifications.

 

As a result, you're now in a stalemate.