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We're now dating ~7 months, I feel like I've grown a lot in the relationship. Past the initial excitement, we had some problems, mainly related to balance (we were spending time primarily in his house due to roommate issues on my side; spending/saving differences; and more recently - episode of frequent "benign" arguments - almost like we're trying to prove to each other who knows more:)).

 

Now life happened: my rent cranked up, his housemate left, ...and I spend more time in his house than in my own, so we planned to move in together in 1-2 months. Sounds like a good idea, right? Well, I'm starting to get anxious, although I really want it.

 

First, it is quite early on in the relationship (not extreme, but I had a terrible experience with an early move-in before... I end up living with a broke alcoholic, barely escaped). I trust my BF and I think we're very compatible living style wise, but still - I'm anxious. Second, he's religious - not clear how his friends are going to look at the live-in arrangement. Not a problem for me, but I'm afraid how he'd feel. Third, he has had overspending tendencies... I was quite bothered, now we put it in the rails, but still the financial aspect makes me anxious. And forth, I haven't yet introduced him to my family. I met everyone on his side, but due to certain issues from my past, I'm not comfortable talking love life with family, and I'm afraid to say I'd probably never will be... but if we're living together, I'd need to force introductions.

 

I'd be happy to hear experiences/advice on the above aspects of moving in (i.e. initial anxiety, finances, family, external pressure etc)... I believe that the decision is right, but I'm still so nervous about it..

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When I was making sense of my failed cohabitation, I had an enlightening conversation with my girlfriend.

 

Her first live-in fell apart because they moved in together for financial reasons (not married).

 

Her second live-in eventually ended in marriage (after a few years) because they moved in together with the purpose of commitment and building a life together.

 

My cohabitation failed in part because there was no commitment on the guy's part. Motivation to build a life with someone doesn't necessarily grow over time, or because you live with someone.

 

If you are not on the same page with your end goals, living together can be counterproductive, because it ties you to a situation that keeps you from meeting those goals (e.g., if you want marriage).

 

I'm not religious, but I will never again live with a man unless he puts a ring on it--unless he's willing to give me 10000%. Disentangling myself from that last situation was terrible. I have no energy to build a life with someone that isn't meant to flourish.

 

Not to say that yours WON'T flourish... I'm just saying, take great care to make sure it will regardless of finances. Make sure it's what you both want.

 

Nothing is worse than a dead bedroom relationship that you're trapped in because of cheap rent. Stay true to yourself and your end goals.

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We're now dating ~7 months, I feel like I've grown a lot in the relationship. Past the initial excitement, we had some problems, mainly related to balance (we were spending time primarily in his house due to roommate issues on my side; spending/saving differences; and more recently - episode of frequent "benign" arguments - almost like we're trying to prove to each other who knows more:)).

 

Now life happened: my rent cranked up, his housemate left, ...and I spend more time in his house than in my own, so we planned to move in together in 1-2 months. Sounds like a good idea, right? Well, I'm starting to get anxious, although I really want it.

 

First, it is quite early on in the relationship (not extreme, but I had a terrible experience with an early move-in before... I end up living with a broke alcoholic, barely escaped). I trust my BF and I think we're very compatible living style wise, but still - I'm anxious. Second, he's religious - not clear how his friends are going to look at the live-in arrangement. Not a problem for me, but I'm afraid how he'd feel. Third, he has had overspending tendencies... I was quite bothered, now we put it in the rails, but still the financial aspect makes me anxious. And forth, I haven't yet introduced him to my family. I met everyone on his side, but due to certain issues from my past, I'm not comfortable talking love life with family, and I'm afraid to say I'd probably never will be... but if we're living together, I'd need to force introductions.

 

I'd be happy to hear experiences/advice on the above aspects of moving in (i.e. initial anxiety, finances, family, external pressure etc)... I believe that the decision is right, but I'm still so nervous about it..

 

Based on what you know right now, today, would you marry this man? That should be your gauge on whether or not you should move in together. If you have misgivings, then you shouldn't do it. I don't care about what financial reasons or whatever there is for doing so. (And seriously, didn't you learn your lesson the last time?)

 

IMO, it's way too soon and you seem to have too many potential areas of incompatibility that should be discussed prior to taking this step. You need to discuss the financial stuff. You don't know him well enough. He hasn't even met your family! I mean...what? What's the rush?

 

IMO, you should not move in with him until he has proposed marriage and you have accepted. Why get yourself into what might be a bad situation again? Why make this commitment right now? What's the rush? But, I'm old and conservative. :D

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I moved in with an ex years ago, we were 6 months into the relationship. We moved in together because his roommate left and I was looking for a place to move. So the pieces fell together and we ended up living under the same roof. We both were excited and positive about it, and everything went well the first couple of months. 9 months later we ended up breaking up. It is very difficult to live with someone unless you both moved in together for the right reasons. By right reasons I mean getting engaged planning a life together. If we wouldn't have moved in together I am sure our relationship would have lasted a lot longer. If you're having doubts now I don't think it will be an smart idea to do it. Maybe in a few years of being together, but from experience I think it's to early to do it. Unless you want to take the risk. Good luck

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If you guys have spence much of your free time together snd you stayed over at his place snd everything was fine I don't see a problem living together.

 

I look at living together as the next step in a relationship.

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Thanks for the opinions, guys.

 

I am personally not that concerned about the marriage part... because I know he wants it, more than me. It is the way how he was raised, so we discussed his understanding of commitment very early on.

 

I actually prefer to cohabitate before getting engaged, mainly to see if he is responsible partner, financially and in other way, as well as how he'd treat my cat and visiting friends.

 

Family is a long story... No idea how I'd bring this up with them, but it will be in baby steps, it is more a problem between me & my family, my BF just happens to be there, it would be slow and painful (the introductions) with whoever I dated...

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Listen,

 

You and lots of other people have to get over the idea that "living together" is a bad idea. Not everyone - in fact more than 50% of people don't...graduate HS at 18, move into a college dorm room, gradate college at 22, get a job making 55,000k or more a year, rent a place they can afford with people they know/like, have parents who can help get them through graduate school, earn their MBA, meet the right person by 27-29, get engaged, get married, etc. you articulated very good reasoning as to the purpose of moving in - finding out what they're like day/in day/out.

 

No - I would caution you, it's up to you and your own feelings. If you do it for the right reason then great. Even if it doesn't work out, you learn & move on and do better next time.

 

1. Don't buy him things. Make clear that what you but for the place will go with you if things end.

2. go because you want to see if things are good with him. I moved in twice with the wrong person, because my parents can barely handle their own stuff and didn't provide me with much for the future.

3. Do not let what others think dictate your choices. If he freezes over his family's or friends' objections - then you know who's more important

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Listen,

 

You and lots of other people have to get over the idea that "living together" is a bad idea. Not everyone - in fact more than 50% of people don't...graduate HS at 18, move into a college dorm room, gradate college at 22, get a job making 55,000k or more a year, rent a place they can afford with people they know/like, have parents who can help get them through graduate school, earn their MBA, meet the right person by 27-29, get engaged, get married, etc. you articulated very good reasoning as to the purpose of moving in - finding out what they're like day/in day/out.

 

No - I would caution you, it's up to you and your own feelings. If you do it for the right reason then great. Even if it doesn't work out, you learn & move on and do better next time.

 

1. Don't buy him things. Make clear that what you but for the place will go with you if things end.

2. go because you want to see if things are good with him. I moved in twice with the wrong person, because my parents can barely handle their own stuff and didn't provide me with much for the future.

3. Do not let what others think dictate your choices. If he freezes over his family's or friends' objections - then you know who's more important

 

Actually, it can be a very bad thing.

 

"In 2002 the CDC found that for married couples the percentage of the relationship ending after 5 years is 20%, for unmarried cohabitators the percentage is 49%. After 10 years the percentage for the relationship to end is 33% for married couples and 62% for unmarried cohabitators." (From the CDC study)

 

Cohabitating and Domestic Partnership

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Live together because you love each other & see that as deepening of your relationship. Moving in for economic reasons is a recipe for disaster.

 

Living together IMO does not involved co-mingling of finances or co-owning anything other then the groceries & cleaning supplies. It's easier to take it all apart if it doesn't work.

 

Really talk about expectations before you even hunt for a place. Chores? Need for space? Sleeping / shower habits? Visitors? etc. The 1st man I lived with -- I was livid because his friends & family would randomly show up without calling first. It made me crazy. It took about a year but I finally got them to call first. I was OK with we'll be there in 5 minutes because it was at least 5 minutes I had to make sure i was dressed & to brush my teeth.

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I think it's a very bad idea to move in together under 1 year dating AND in your case a series of red flags. I am not talking red flags like he leaves his dirty socks on the floor, I am talking red flags like being financially irresponsible. Most couples fight about money and sex.

 

I may be old fashion but when a man moves in with me it's because we are totally and hopelessly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Not because his room-mates have moved out. I would be really embarrassed to tell anyone around me my boyfriend is moving in after 7 months because it's practical. It would absolutely make our love look like second-hand.

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We're now dating ~7 months, I feel like I've grown a lot in the relationship. Past the initial excitement, we had some problems, mainly related to balance (we were spending time primarily in his house due to roommate issues on my side; spending/saving differences; and more recently - episode of frequent "benign" arguments - almost like we're trying to prove to each other who knows more:)).

 

Now life happened: my rent cranked up, his housemate left, ...and I spend more time in his house than in my own, so we planned to move in together in 1-2 months. Sounds like a good idea, right? Well, I'm starting to get anxious, although I really want it.

 

First, it is quite early on in the relationship (not extreme, but I had a terrible experience with an early move-in before... I end up living with a broke alcoholic, barely escaped). I trust my BF and I think we're very compatible living style wise, but still - I'm anxious. Second, he's religious - not clear how his friends are going to look at the live-in arrangement. Not a problem for me, but I'm afraid how he'd feel. Third, he has had overspending tendencies... I was quite bothered, now we put it in the rails, but still the financial aspect makes me anxious. And forth, I haven't yet introduced him to my family. I met everyone on his side, but due to certain issues from my past, I'm not comfortable talking love life with family, and I'm afraid to say I'd probably never will be... but if we're living together, I'd need to force introductions.

 

I'd be happy to hear experiences/advice on the above aspects of moving in (i.e. initial anxiety, finances, family, external pressure etc)... I believe that the decision is right, but I'm still so nervous about it..

Third, he has had overspending tendencies... I was quite bothered, now we put it in the rails -- but still the financial aspect makes me anxious-- Until enough time has passed for you to clearly see that he has amended and will stick to a responsible spending mode, I would wait it out a bit. Sometimes people will start doing what needs to be done but then will revert to old habits fairly soon. Are his spending habits "mood" driven? In other words, does he get depressed and then feel the need to spend as a way of comforting himself or maybe the opposite, when he's on a "high" he spends extravagantly? This is important and an indicator of a possible emotional issue.

 

If you two are reliant on each other to provide for shared expenses and he can't keep up his end, you will be left hanging.

 

And, I would not co-mingle financial accounts. Keep your own accounts for savings and checking and no joint credit cards. You can get a joint account to pay rent, etc. and each of you make necessary deposits for those things.

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Maybe because I'm confident he loves me I'm not that bothered by the practical side. I think he almost tries to convince himself and his friends he's doing it for practical reasons because ... well, it interferes with his religious beliefs.

 

Yeah, it will be 8 months in the time of the move. Less than an year, but also not that short (considering that we're in our thirties and more or less know what to expect).

 

However, you make a good point about the financial aspect. I was very adamant about splitting the rent/utilities to the T. The rest of the common expenses - i.e. groceries and cleaning supplies, we haven't yet discussed, but even in the worse case scenario, it will not be a bill that will broke me if he's irresponsible with that. Still, I'm worried about the financial aspect... and I really need to find a way to address it before moving in.

 

I think it's a very bad idea to move in together under 1 year dating AND in your case a series of red flags. I am not talking red flags like he leaves his dirty socks on the floor, I am talking red flags like being financially irresponsible. Most couples fight about money and sex.

 

I may be old fashion but when a man moves in with me it's because we are totally and hopelessly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Not because his room-mates have moved out. I would be really embarrassed to tell anyone around me my boyfriend is moving in after 7 months because it's practical. It would absolutely make our love look like second-hand.

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How do you see this long term?

 

Does he own the house he lives in?

 

You think you just have to pay your share but there will be a time he'll spend mortgage money, insurance money or municipal tax money on toys and he'll look to you to help him. Would you really let him get in trouble with the bank if he cannot come up with his mortgage money?

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It was early on in the relationship and in his understanding, people bond over experiences. I think that's why we went to... way to much events, restaurants etc. I told him I'm trying to save and he stopped.

 

Else he's quite stingy - keeping his old possessions forever :)

 

I am actually quite scared about being left hanging with the shared expenses because I HAD exactly that experience with someone else... But here I decided to trust him... with some precautions of course (e.g. all utilities are on his name so it will be impossible to string me along with paying them all easily).

 

Indeed, I am strictly against shared account for now. I plan to write him checks for the big shared expenses (rent, utilities), still thinking shall I do the same for the smaller ones (groceries, cleaning supplies), or alternate buying these.

 

Third, he has had overspending tendencies... I was quite bothered, now we put it in the rails -- but still the financial aspect makes me anxious-- Until enough time has passed for you to clearly see that he has amended and will stick to a responsible spending mode, I would wait it out a bit. Sometimes people will start doing what needs to be done but then will revert to old habits fairly soon. Are his spending habits "mood" driven? In other words, does he get depressed and then feel the need to spend as a way of comforting himself or maybe the opposite, when he's on a "high" he spends extravagantly? This is important and an indicator of a possible emotional issue.

 

If you two are reliant on each other to provide for shared expenses and he can't keep up his end, you will be left hanging.

 

And, I would not co-mingle financial accounts. Keep your own accounts for savings and checking and no joint credit cards. You can get a joint account to pay rent, etc. and each of you make necessary deposits for those things.

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I think he's almost trying to convince himself it is practical decision because of his religious beliefs (we were discussing before that, and in hs opinion things should proceed towards marriage within an year of dating... that's his thinking, I have no strong opinions in that respect).

 

Sleeping/shower habits we are on the same page, as well as for the big expenses and space separation. However, you make good points: we need to discuss chores, visitors (oh my... I'm not a fan either of unexpected ones), expenses for food and cleaning.

 

Live together because you love each other & see that as deepening of your relationship. Moving in for economic reasons is a recipe for disaster.

 

Living together IMO does not involved co-mingling of finances or co-owning anything other then the groceries & cleaning supplies. It's easier to take it all apart if it doesn't work.

 

Really talk about expectations before you even hunt for a place. Chores? Need for space? Sleeping / shower habits? Visitors? etc. The 1st man I lived with -- I was livid because his friends & family would randomly show up without calling first. It made me crazy. It took about a year but I finally got them to call first. I was OK with we'll be there in 5 minutes because it was at least 5 minutes I had to make sure i was dressed & to brush my teeth.

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Maybe because I'm confident he loves me I'm not that bothered by the practical side. I think he almost tries to convince himself and his friends he's doing it for practical reasons because ... well, it interferes with his religious beliefs.

 

Yeah, it will be 8 months in the time of the move. Less than an year, but also not that short (considering that we're in our thirties and more or less know what to expect).

 

However, you make a good point about the financial aspect. I was very adamant about splitting the rent/utilities to the T. The rest of the common expenses - i.e. groceries and cleaning supplies, we haven't yet discussed, but even in the worse case scenario, it will not be a bill that will broke me if he's irresponsible with that. Still, I'm worried about the financial aspect... and I really need to find a way to address it before moving in.

 

I really need to find a way to address it before moving in -- he needs to address it and demonstrate his resolve and that needs to be observed over time. You say you've put it to the rails, which means you have addressed it with him already. If you have to keep doing that to stay on top of him, that's not a good thing. It will begin to be about "nagging". If you have to "nag" someone, it erodes the relationship anyway. You state your need for financial security from him once and observe whether he makes a sincere effort to accommodate that need. Women who have to revisit these kinds of things over and over again become frustrated and really lose their "power" in a relationship because there are never any consequences. Establish the boundary now before you move in.

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And, to be clear, you should only be addressing his spending habits to the extent that it may affect his ability to pay his share of things. In other words, if his spending habits have prevented him from paying his rent or other bills in the past, it could be a problem for YOU.

 

If, however, he was taking care of the necessities while spending a lot, it's not your problem. I'm just saying, it's only your business to the extent that it would affect you personally at this point. You are not married or engaged and so technically, the rest is none of your business.

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Haha I lived with parents till 22, then with roommates 22-24, alone 24-29, and with other BF and roommates again 29-31. I'm also making enough to afford a place on my own, but after hmmm unpleasant experience with a sociopathic ex I didn't dare to be alone in the past year... (I was scared he'll return to mooch my money if he realizes I am alone - this person was extremely dangerous).

 

So now I lived with roommates but honestly, I feel too old for that... And that's my practical side of wanting to move with my BF. Another important practicality - as mentioned I want to evaluate him as a potential life partner. Sure I love im and he loves me too, but that I admit is not the reason for the move in: we anyway see each other almost every nigh, and the whole weekend, so it won't be a lot of a difference in the time spend together.

 

I will keep in mind your points, which are very rational.

 

 

Listen,

 

You and lots of other people have to get over the idea that "living together" is a bad idea. Not everyone - in fact more than 50% of people don't...graduate HS at 18, move into a college dorm room, gradate college at 22, get a job making 55,000k or more a year, rent a place they can afford with people they know/like, have parents who can help get them through graduate school, earn their MBA, meet the right person by 27-29, get engaged, get married, etc. you articulated very good reasoning as to the purpose of moving in - finding out what they're like day/in day/out.

 

No - I would caution you, it's up to you and your own feelings. If you do it for the right reason then great. Even if it doesn't work out, you learn & move on and do better next time.

 

1. Don't buy him things. Make clear that what you but for the place will go with you if things end.

2. go because you want to see if things are good with him. I moved in twice with the wrong person, because my parents can barely handle their own stuff and didn't provide me with much for the future.

3. Do not let what others think dictate your choices. If he freezes over his family's or friends' objections - then you know who's more important

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I hope this will turn long term indeed.

 

The apartment is a rental property. I am going to add my name on the lease, which is for 6 months, if the things work out well, we'll rent/buy another place next year, if not... part ways when the lease is over.

 

I thought about the worst case scenario - if we break up before the lease is over - it is two bedroom, so we can still live together (I'm not 100% sure yet, but I think we have very compatible lifestyles and good conflict resolution in general).

 

How do you see this long term?

 

Does he own the house he lives in?

 

You think you just have to pay your share but there will be a time he'll spend mortgage money, insurance money or municipal tax money on toys and he'll look to you to help him. Would you really let him get in trouble with the bank if he cannot come up with his mortgage money?

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I addressed the overspending on date nights. Here I'm thinking to discuss common house supplies - that's expected/ok right?

 

I admit I told him a few times he should save more for retirement. I hope he realizes I'm saying this because I am evaluating him as a long-term partner... But yeah, I stated my preferences and desires, so now is his turn.

 

I really need to find a way to address it before moving in -- he needs to address it and demonstrate his resolve and that needs to be observed over time. You say you've put it to the rails, which means you have addressed it with him already. If you have to keep doing that to stay on top of him, that's not a good thing. It will begin to be about "nagging". If you have to "nag" someone, it erodes the relationship anyway. You state your need for financial security from him once and observe whether he makes a sincere effort to accommodate that need. Women who have to revisit these kinds of things over and over again become frustrated and really lose their "power" in a relationship because there are never any consequences. Establish the boundary now before you move in.
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The apartment is a rental property. I am going to add my name on the lease,

 

DO NOT DO THAT.

 

Let him keep the lease to his name for the remaining of the lease. You said yourself it's a test. It's no time to be putting your name on things with him. You know he has problems with money. By putting your name on that lease YOU are legally binding yourself to paying FULL rent if he bails.

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For him is a test too, right? If I'm not on the lease, I'm not confirming that I'll stick to paying (I know I will, but he has the right to doubt).

 

Another reason that I wanted to be on the lease: if the worse comes to worse, and we break up, if I'm not on the lease I can effectively get homeless... I will have no legal protection to stay in the place...

 

So it is not a simple decision, although I see your point.

 

DO NOT DO THAT.

 

Let him keep the lease to his name for the remaining of the lease. You said yourself it's a test. It's no time to be putting your name on things with him. You know he has problems with money. By putting your name on that lease YOU are legally binding yourself to paying FULL rent if he bails.

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I addressed the overspending on date nights. Here I'm thinking to discuss common house supplies - that's expected/ok right?

 

I admit I told him a few times he should save more for retirement. I hope he realizes I'm saying this because I am evaluating him as a long-term partner... But yeah, I stated my preferences and desires, so now is his turn.

 

It's perfectly ok to discuss shared household expenses. You have to do that much.

 

And, you've told him he should save more for retirement because you are evaluating him for the long term. That's ok, but until you are engaged, it's still HIS business. If you are dating a man while watching his pocketbook to monitor whether he's going to have enough for you later, that's a sticky thing. What will you do if he proposes and you don't think he's got enough saved?

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For him is a test too, right? If I'm not on the lease, I'm not confirming that I'll stick to paying (I know I will, but he has the right to doubt).

 

Another reason that I wanted to be on the lease: if the worse comes to worse, and we break up, if I'm not on the lease I can effectively get homeless... I will have no legal protection to stay in the place...

 

So it is not a simple decision, although I see your point.

 

You will be the one moving in with him. If it doesn't work it's normal you move out. Not having your name on the lease will allow you to move out anytime you wish. You said you are financially responsible so it should not be a problem for you to get yourself a new place or even go sleep on your mom's couch for a couple of weeks.

 

If in 2 months after you move in it's not working and you desperately want to move out, and your name is on his lease, you will end up paying 2 leases.

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Ohhh... I've done the 2 lease thing with another man before and it gives me chills... I still feel angry at myself with how much money this ex conned me.

 

So I'm probably acting very naive... But I trust my BF will not do that... Again, worse case scenario - his lease is for 6 months only.

 

I don't have a good support network here, well...close to none. I also have a cat, complicating the renting scenarios. My mom is on another continent. So if it doesn't work out, it will be difficult at best to leave quickly. This almost makes me second guessing the decision... trying to be confident it will work out still.

 

You will be the one moving in with him. If it doesn't work it's normal you move out. Not having your name on the lease will allow you to move out anytime you wish. You said you are financially responsible so it should not be a problem for you to get yourself a new place or even go sleep on your mom's couch for a couple of weeks.

 

If in 2 months after you move in it's not working and you desperately want to move out, and your name is on his lease, you will end up paying 2 leases.

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